Do I let my mom hit rock bottom?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Do I let my mom hit rock bottom?
My mom has suffered with mental illness (clinical depression) since her teenage years. She has been in and out of hospitals for depression. In her early 20s, she started smoking marijuana. She is about 63 and it is my opinion that her marijuana addiction has ruined her life. She smokes about 700-1000 dollars worth of marijuana a month. I am not exaggerating. Add this to a fixed income, debt and alcoholism...well, it has finally gone so far that she is about to lose her house.
She is "taking care" of my grandmother in my grandmother's home and renting her own house out (receiving rent money) but she hasn't paid her mortgage in months. Her mortgage company has worked with her time and time again but she never makes good because all of her money goes to pot. She is financially abusing my grandmother to feed her addiction and now my grandmother hasn't paid her association dues on her house for months and she is being sued. Their combined income is about $3,000. and they should both be able to make their house payments and live on this amount of money.
My grandmother is definitely an enabler, as I have been.
Now my mother is going into one of her deep depressive phases. She is lying in bed all day, unable to eat or sleep. I found out that she went off her anti-depressant a month ago because she didn't think she needed it anymore. This is a pattern. Wild spending, refusal to accept financial limits, relying on bailouts, getting off meds, then crashing. I am very angry that she went off her paxil. I feel like screaming at her "YOU IDIOT! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS AGAIN?"
Both of their houses are now up for sale but they both live in CA and the market is very bad there. My moms house will probably be foreclosed upon. She put $50,000. on it and has drained out all of the equity.
I have always been there to bail my mom out with money or time. I will go and take care of her and buy pot for her or cigarettes or food. I buy the pot because she says that it helps her anxiety and depression and I am so afraid that she will end up in the hospital again. They are so broke right now she is out of her precious marijuana and thinks that this is what is causing her depression. I told her she needs to go back on her paxil but she refuses to call the doctor. I have moved across the country so it is no longer feasible for me to go over and take care of her or buy her drugs.
I have always felt so sorry for her and have never let her hit rock bottom. But I think this might be it. She might lose her house, my grandmother's house and be in some serious financial trouble. It is all of her own doing.
Yet at the same time, I feel that her mental illness is what has allowed all this to happen and she is the victim of clinical depression. I am conflicted.
I fear that she is getting so bad that she wont be able to do the little that she does for my grandmother and my grandmother does need her help. There is absolutely no one else in the family that will help my grandmother or mother. I fEAR that I am going to be asked to go there and help.
The thing is, I have a 9 month old daughter and my family and I are on a tight budget. My mother has destroyed my grandmother's house by smoking, letting her dogs run rampant, not cleaning, etc. It is disgusting and unsanitary. It is no place for a baby. When we went to visit last September, I told my mom, "don't call me when it all falls apart. I am not going to take care of you." It was very depressing to be a first time mother, bringing my daughter to visit her grandmother, and have my mother be drunk and smoking inside the whole time. But what was I to expect.
The guilt is setting in. I feel like I should be out there "helping." If worse came to worse, we could buy me a ticket out there but...
I have never let her hit the bottom and I am wondering if that is what she needs to learn you cannot live this way.
Does anyone have an experience like this with a parent? Help.
I am so angry.
She is "taking care" of my grandmother in my grandmother's home and renting her own house out (receiving rent money) but she hasn't paid her mortgage in months. Her mortgage company has worked with her time and time again but she never makes good because all of her money goes to pot. She is financially abusing my grandmother to feed her addiction and now my grandmother hasn't paid her association dues on her house for months and she is being sued. Their combined income is about $3,000. and they should both be able to make their house payments and live on this amount of money.
My grandmother is definitely an enabler, as I have been.
Now my mother is going into one of her deep depressive phases. She is lying in bed all day, unable to eat or sleep. I found out that she went off her anti-depressant a month ago because she didn't think she needed it anymore. This is a pattern. Wild spending, refusal to accept financial limits, relying on bailouts, getting off meds, then crashing. I am very angry that she went off her paxil. I feel like screaming at her "YOU IDIOT! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS AGAIN?"
Both of their houses are now up for sale but they both live in CA and the market is very bad there. My moms house will probably be foreclosed upon. She put $50,000. on it and has drained out all of the equity.
I have always been there to bail my mom out with money or time. I will go and take care of her and buy pot for her or cigarettes or food. I buy the pot because she says that it helps her anxiety and depression and I am so afraid that she will end up in the hospital again. They are so broke right now she is out of her precious marijuana and thinks that this is what is causing her depression. I told her she needs to go back on her paxil but she refuses to call the doctor. I have moved across the country so it is no longer feasible for me to go over and take care of her or buy her drugs.
I have always felt so sorry for her and have never let her hit rock bottom. But I think this might be it. She might lose her house, my grandmother's house and be in some serious financial trouble. It is all of her own doing.
Yet at the same time, I feel that her mental illness is what has allowed all this to happen and she is the victim of clinical depression. I am conflicted.
I fear that she is getting so bad that she wont be able to do the little that she does for my grandmother and my grandmother does need her help. There is absolutely no one else in the family that will help my grandmother or mother. I fEAR that I am going to be asked to go there and help.
The thing is, I have a 9 month old daughter and my family and I are on a tight budget. My mother has destroyed my grandmother's house by smoking, letting her dogs run rampant, not cleaning, etc. It is disgusting and unsanitary. It is no place for a baby. When we went to visit last September, I told my mom, "don't call me when it all falls apart. I am not going to take care of you." It was very depressing to be a first time mother, bringing my daughter to visit her grandmother, and have my mother be drunk and smoking inside the whole time. But what was I to expect.
The guilt is setting in. I feel like I should be out there "helping." If worse came to worse, we could buy me a ticket out there but...
I have never let her hit the bottom and I am wondering if that is what she needs to learn you cannot live this way.
Does anyone have an experience like this with a parent? Help.
I am so angry.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((gardner)))
I'm sorry it is falling apart on your mom's situation.
Be gentle with yourself. Can you give yourself some time to consider more options? Weekends are a little quiet here at SR, so give yourself some time and maybe the solutions will come.
I took care of my mother while her life ended with cancer. Her lack of domestic skills drove me crazy. I understand the frustration of cleaning up after a parent!
I'm sorry it is falling apart on your mom's situation.
Be gentle with yourself. Can you give yourself some time to consider more options? Weekends are a little quiet here at SR, so give yourself some time and maybe the solutions will come.
I took care of my mother while her life ended with cancer. Her lack of domestic skills drove me crazy. I understand the frustration of cleaning up after a parent!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Thanks Pelican. Yes, I have time to consider the situation. I am just so very angry with my mother. The rage I feel towards her because of her history of doing this makes me crazy. I feel like she is the most selfish person in the world. As I recovering alcoholic myself, I try to separate her from her addictions and illness, but it is so hard to not view her as selfish. I think I will try to find an al-anon meeting. I have never been to one.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Welcome to this site and where you will find friends that care and want the best for you. You have posted and that is the first step towards recognizing a problem. We all here have caring hearts, but also have cared too much for others. That seems hard to believe as it was my goal in life, to love others. There is a difference though in loving too much.
When I was a child my parents disciplined me alot of times or would not let me do things. It was tough love. Make the comparison to what you should do to your mother. If you give in and keep helping her, it will not enable her to grow, or conquer these challenges herself.
I heard a good message Wednesday night at church that him home. Count it all joy when you face trials......... The pastor said our HP is always looking to challenge, or build our character. These trials you are facing now, rise up and find a new inner strength in yourself. Remember in school when we took tests? We hated them right? Tests made us better students and increased our knowledge due to studying for them, or simply achieving a good test result. It was an easy observation. Trials in life our much different because the grade, or corrected test isn't handed back to us. Rather, we our left to decipher how well we did on it. The surest and proven way to know how we did, is to trust our inner sense and to base our decision on the word of the Lord.
Try this.......it worked for me. Sit down in the am and grab the Bible. Before opening it to any chapter or verse ask the Lord to speak to you through his Word. Then, find a chapther and read it and carefully think as you read. Underline the words that jump out at you. When done, reflect on it. He's speaking to us the entire time. It's just that Satan is in our thought too. A battle for me everyday and I consider myself strong in the Word.
Rambled, but hope this helps you.
When I was a child my parents disciplined me alot of times or would not let me do things. It was tough love. Make the comparison to what you should do to your mother. If you give in and keep helping her, it will not enable her to grow, or conquer these challenges herself.
I heard a good message Wednesday night at church that him home. Count it all joy when you face trials......... The pastor said our HP is always looking to challenge, or build our character. These trials you are facing now, rise up and find a new inner strength in yourself. Remember in school when we took tests? We hated them right? Tests made us better students and increased our knowledge due to studying for them, or simply achieving a good test result. It was an easy observation. Trials in life our much different because the grade, or corrected test isn't handed back to us. Rather, we our left to decipher how well we did on it. The surest and proven way to know how we did, is to trust our inner sense and to base our decision on the word of the Lord.
Try this.......it worked for me. Sit down in the am and grab the Bible. Before opening it to any chapter or verse ask the Lord to speak to you through his Word. Then, find a chapther and read it and carefully think as you read. Underline the words that jump out at you. When done, reflect on it. He's speaking to us the entire time. It's just that Satan is in our thought too. A battle for me everyday and I consider myself strong in the Word.
Rambled, but hope this helps you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
have you thought about any ways you might possibly help your grandmother? your mother is taking her down, and not that she's an innocent bystander, but she surely doesn't realize what her role has been, or how to save herself.
you mentioned that you feel the depressive issues have been at the root. as you probably know, most people with mental illness have turned to self-medicating, which in turn leads to addiction.
so....which is the chicken, and which is the egg?
in my opinion, it doesn't really matter.
if she's run out of her drug of choice, she is likely crabby, and/or depressed. that may be what has brought this bout on. if she's not high, she has to face her (self-imposed) problems, and who wouldn't get depressed about that?
one thing you do know, is to not continue giving money or in other ways bail her out. so, that's the first thing you can do.
you mentioned that you feel the depressive issues have been at the root. as you probably know, most people with mental illness have turned to self-medicating, which in turn leads to addiction.
so....which is the chicken, and which is the egg?
in my opinion, it doesn't really matter.
if she's run out of her drug of choice, she is likely crabby, and/or depressed. that may be what has brought this bout on. if she's not high, she has to face her (self-imposed) problems, and who wouldn't get depressed about that?
one thing you do know, is to not continue giving money or in other ways bail her out. so, that's the first thing you can do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
I would let her sink. Easy for me to say now, because I'm angry at what my AW has put me through. You have a family of your own to take care of. Your mother has made her choices. Don't let her take you down with her. That's my .02 cents. If you were buying weed for her illegally, you could go to jail, lose your career, and worse. I wouldn't risk that for anyone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
gardner
That is just a crappy situation to be in. They are both grown women and have a choice. It is not yours to make. You could help by sending them numbers of places that might be able to help them recover. It is up to them now.
Your family what to focus on now. They need you. Focus on being an example to others. The Big Book has a section on anger and suggestions. It doesn't go away over night but it WILL if you work on it.
AG
That is just a crappy situation to be in. They are both grown women and have a choice. It is not yours to make. You could help by sending them numbers of places that might be able to help them recover. It is up to them now.
Your family what to focus on now. They need you. Focus on being an example to others. The Big Book has a section on anger and suggestions. It doesn't go away over night but it WILL if you work on it.
AG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Dear Gardner,
Your are in a difficult position. I took care of my mother until I was adult enough to understand that she was abusing me. I did everything I could to help her but it was never enough. I set up some rules about what I would do or not do (for myself) and that way took control over my emotional state. She would curse me with "you will feel guilty when I die". She did, and I didn't.
My husband is in/out of recovery and we are separated. He has two adult children who both had addiction problems. One is in recovery and doing well, the other is not. I have to manage everyone's questions about what can be done to help the others from each viewpoint. It was crazy making until again, I stepped aside and decided outside of an emergency situation where I was absolutely needed, I let them figure it all out for themselves.
Alanon and this site are helpful. Reading is helpful. Depending on your HP every minute is essential. Do you know we have an alanon meeting on Sat nite? 9PM
Your are in a difficult position. I took care of my mother until I was adult enough to understand that she was abusing me. I did everything I could to help her but it was never enough. I set up some rules about what I would do or not do (for myself) and that way took control over my emotional state. She would curse me with "you will feel guilty when I die". She did, and I didn't.
My husband is in/out of recovery and we are separated. He has two adult children who both had addiction problems. One is in recovery and doing well, the other is not. I have to manage everyone's questions about what can be done to help the others from each viewpoint. It was crazy making until again, I stepped aside and decided outside of an emergency situation where I was absolutely needed, I let them figure it all out for themselves.
Alanon and this site are helpful. Reading is helpful. Depending on your HP every minute is essential. Do you know we have an alanon meeting on Sat nite? 9PM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Thanks for all the replies. I made a decision to not check in on my mother today but she ended up calling me. She sounded a lot better and was excited because her sister was mailing her some pot. Don't even get me started on how crazy that is. My thought was "maybe the cops will find out and she will have to go to jail and maybe she will finally learn a lesson." Horrible, I know.
I made an effort to not try to solve her problems and fix things. She said she would call the doctor on Monday about the paxil.
I can't believe how much her mood was improved by getting her sister to send her pot.
I feel like a made some decisions today and will finally have the courage to follow through on them. I am not going to go out there and help if things fall apart. I know this seems cruel because of my elderly grandmother but the two of them created this situation. Before my mother moved down there to "help" her, she was calling my grandmother for years begging for money whenever she would get in a bind. That is why this is all happening...my mom finally sucked my grandmother dry. I would call my grandmother and beg her to stop sending my mother money because all she would do was buy pot with it and we needed to stop enabling her. My grandmother would never listen. I begged her and my main point was, if she doesn't figure this out for herself now, I am going to be stuck doing it all for the rest of my life. I am upset because my grandmother would never stop. I might change my mind about not helping my grandmother but I am not going to change my mind about not helping my mother.
As far as doing more to help my grandmother, I told her last summer that my husband and I would move to CA and take care of her and my mother could go back to her home. She wouldn't get rid of my mom. The adult protective services have been called on my mother twice. Because my grandmother refuses to say anything bad about my mom and tells them that she is doing a good job, they don't do anything. My grandmother is very sharp and has no dementia and there really isn't much anyone can do without her ok.
I have spent so many nights recently thinking I was a horrible person for not calling adult protective services myself, but without my grandmother agreeing, they won't do anything.
My mom sucks. I love her, she has her good points, but she sucks.
Kassie2, I might try the alanon meeting if I am still awake. I wish I had more energy but up with a little one all day takes it out of you. I don't know how to find the meetings but I am sure I can.
I made an effort to not try to solve her problems and fix things. She said she would call the doctor on Monday about the paxil.
I can't believe how much her mood was improved by getting her sister to send her pot.
I feel like a made some decisions today and will finally have the courage to follow through on them. I am not going to go out there and help if things fall apart. I know this seems cruel because of my elderly grandmother but the two of them created this situation. Before my mother moved down there to "help" her, she was calling my grandmother for years begging for money whenever she would get in a bind. That is why this is all happening...my mom finally sucked my grandmother dry. I would call my grandmother and beg her to stop sending my mother money because all she would do was buy pot with it and we needed to stop enabling her. My grandmother would never listen. I begged her and my main point was, if she doesn't figure this out for herself now, I am going to be stuck doing it all for the rest of my life. I am upset because my grandmother would never stop. I might change my mind about not helping my grandmother but I am not going to change my mind about not helping my mother.
As far as doing more to help my grandmother, I told her last summer that my husband and I would move to CA and take care of her and my mother could go back to her home. She wouldn't get rid of my mom. The adult protective services have been called on my mother twice. Because my grandmother refuses to say anything bad about my mom and tells them that she is doing a good job, they don't do anything. My grandmother is very sharp and has no dementia and there really isn't much anyone can do without her ok.
I have spent so many nights recently thinking I was a horrible person for not calling adult protective services myself, but without my grandmother agreeing, they won't do anything.
My mom sucks. I love her, she has her good points, but she sucks.
Kassie2, I might try the alanon meeting if I am still awake. I wish I had more energy but up with a little one all day takes it out of you. I don't know how to find the meetings but I am sure I can.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by gardner 
Kassie2, I might try the alanon meeting if I am still awake. I wish I had more energy but up with a little one all day takes it out of you. I don't know how to find the meetings but I am sure I can.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Don't know if my PM got back to you - our meeting is through - enter chat and then the meeting room. Any other time you can enter the alanon room to chat with anyone. When I want to chat I usually post a thread asking people to meet me there. When all else fails - the open chat or other rooms will have someone to talk to live if wanted. I am available at nights and weekends if you PM to chat
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by gardner
... I know this seems cruel because of my elderly grandmother but the two of them created this situation.
Because when you finally accept the latter (i.e., that the two of them created this situation), then you realize there is no relationship to you - that your guilt is entirely your fabrication, due to your belief that you have some control or responsibility, or should have some control over the results of their decisions. (This is the definition of codependency...) The truth is that you don't, so what happens to them is nothing to create guilt for you, in reality.
You are a willing participant, when you embrace this false guilt and act forward upon it. The only real cruelty is you being cruel to yourself, embracing that which you do not own or control, and embracing the pain and consequences thereof which you also do not own or control.
Likewise, you can free yourself by working on acceptance of what is yours and what is not yours. You may feel presented with guilt, but can learn to accept that this guilt is false and does not belong to you.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I have moved across the country so it is no longer feasible for me to go over and take care of her or buy her drugs.
You have a daughter now.
I hope you'll find out about ACOA and maybe read on their forum here on SR as well.
I've never been to those meetings, but
as a regular in the local rooms of AA
I've met a few who have shared with me in hopes of understanding their own
past with alcoholism.
Thing is:
Your mother is what she is.
your garndmother is what she is.
Do you understand what YOU are....
because now you've added your own addition to the spiral.
I feel the more we understand ourselves
the better we are for our children.
The closer we come
to breaking the cycle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by barb dwyer
I hope that means that they can't get across the country to knock on your door expecting a place to live one bright morning.
I am desperate to break this cycle. That is why I am in therapy, why I quit drinking, why I moved...I do not want my daughter to ever feel like this. I know I have a long way to go but at least I am traveling in the right direction.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
gardner - and if they show up - you'll be moving even faster! LOL!
I hope that's not how it goes for you.
congratulations keeping in your own circle of recovery while working on the outside.
that's not easy to do with a kid.
well, you've found us now -
and you've got folks to talk to.
I hope that's not how it goes for you.
congratulations keeping in your own circle of recovery while working on the outside.
that's not easy to do with a kid.
well, you've found us now -
and you've got folks to talk to.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I had an idea -
a pre-plan of action for you to consider:
since they know you can't have them at your house
but you're thinking the same thing *I* am thinking -
maybe contact shelters in your area-
get the lowdown on qualifications, arrangements, etc.
there's a place here called 'homeward bound'
where you sign up for a stay of like ... 6 mos
to get your life back on track....
maybe there's something like that where you are.
then -
and if they DO show up...
(because you know as well as I do - that if you say you can't put them up...
they're gonna show up unannounced and that was FORCE you to accommodate them...)
because you know as well as I do this as well -
if they get one night in the house -
you'll never get them out.
so the trick is - get them someplace else to go
so that ONE night ... never happens.
your life won't be up-ended -
you just get in your car....
and take them to the shelter.
Might be worth looking into.
a pre-plan of action for you to consider:
since they know you can't have them at your house
but you're thinking the same thing *I* am thinking -
maybe contact shelters in your area-
get the lowdown on qualifications, arrangements, etc.
there's a place here called 'homeward bound'
where you sign up for a stay of like ... 6 mos
to get your life back on track....
maybe there's something like that where you are.
then -
and if they DO show up...
(because you know as well as I do - that if you say you can't put them up...
they're gonna show up unannounced and that was FORCE you to accommodate them...)
because you know as well as I do this as well -
if they get one night in the house -
you'll never get them out.
so the trick is - get them someplace else to go
so that ONE night ... never happens.
your life won't be up-ended -
you just get in your car....
and take them to the shelter.
Might be worth looking into.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Los Cabos, Mexico
Posts: 34
I do have experience with bringing my mom to live with me because of severe depression and being an A. Our situations are different in that my children are teens...
When I arrived to get her, her intestinal track was so inflamed from wine and not eating (plus she looked 20 lbs under weight) she was having really bad spasms similar to dry heaving. I know I saved her life by bringing her here, but we still need to do blood work to see how her organs are doing. I might have brought her here to watch her die... NOT what I want my kids to see.
Packed up mom's stuff and put it in storage, moved her over 1,000 miles to live with us to a foreign country. It's really hard. I have to drive her to AA. As far as I know, she hasn't drank and SHOULD get her 30 day chip tonight.
I have so much rage we can barely have a decent conversation.
I am doing what we all say you shouldn't. For now, it's okay. What I don't know, is if I am delaying the inevitable. The moment she goes back (to what I'm not sure) will she start it all over? She's still so ungrateful. The stress causes conflict in my marriage. Is this all for nothing? I'll let you know.
Every situation is different. You need to do what's best for YOUR family ie; your daughter and your husband.
We didn't cause this, we didn't create this, and we can't control it.
A's always put themselves first. Very selfish. It's hard, but we need to do the same.
It's an idea... any way to set up nanny cams to help get your grandma away from your mom?
When I arrived to get her, her intestinal track was so inflamed from wine and not eating (plus she looked 20 lbs under weight) she was having really bad spasms similar to dry heaving. I know I saved her life by bringing her here, but we still need to do blood work to see how her organs are doing. I might have brought her here to watch her die... NOT what I want my kids to see.
Packed up mom's stuff and put it in storage, moved her over 1,000 miles to live with us to a foreign country. It's really hard. I have to drive her to AA. As far as I know, she hasn't drank and SHOULD get her 30 day chip tonight.
I have so much rage we can barely have a decent conversation.
I am doing what we all say you shouldn't. For now, it's okay. What I don't know, is if I am delaying the inevitable. The moment she goes back (to what I'm not sure) will she start it all over? She's still so ungrateful. The stress causes conflict in my marriage. Is this all for nothing? I'll let you know.
Every situation is different. You need to do what's best for YOUR family ie; your daughter and your husband.
We didn't cause this, we didn't create this, and we can't control it.
A's always put themselves first. Very selfish. It's hard, but we need to do the same.
It's an idea... any way to set up nanny cams to help get your grandma away from your mom?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
yes i looked after my mum when she began having problems with drink when i was about 13 and that carried on untill i was 21,it was awful i watched her nearly die from withdrawels many times and she still wouldnt stop however when i turned 21 i decided enough was enough,i read up on alcoholism and codependancy and moved out and luckily within a matter of months she got off the drink and has stayed sober hurrah!!
I personally believe that me moving out helped her realise that she had a problem and i believe that was because no-body was picking up the pieces for her anymore and it prompted her to make a change. Your mother is a grown woman and needs to take responsibility for herself,do not bail her out ever and do not give her money it doesn't help but i can totally see why you do because i have been there.The best advice i can give you is to try not helping her seeing as you have tried everything else whats the harm in trying something new with her? xxx
I personally believe that me moving out helped her realise that she had a problem and i believe that was because no-body was picking up the pieces for her anymore and it prompted her to make a change. Your mother is a grown woman and needs to take responsibility for herself,do not bail her out ever and do not give her money it doesn't help but i can totally see why you do because i have been there.The best advice i can give you is to try not helping her seeing as you have tried everything else whats the harm in trying something new with her? xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Yesterday my mother called. She seemed to be doing better because the pot her sister sent had arrived. This just made me enraged, to think about her thinking that this little bit of pot would be a temporary solution the massive financial problems they are in because of her pot an alcohol habit! Anyway, I started trying to fix things...asking how it was that they got into this situation when there was enough money to cover both of their house payments. She was going on about all the bad checks she had written and how 1 for $1.50 was going to end up costing over $100. because they kept putting in back through when it bounced. She was complaining about how unfair the banks were! Anyway, I did what I always do which I know is the wrong thing and started lecturing her (not yelling at her, just trying to get to the bottom of her irrational choices). She lays on the guilt: "How do you think it feels to talk to a person like you who is just berating me? I am just starting to feel better." Then she hung up on me.
I need to start working a co-dependency program but don't know where to begin.
After she hung up on me (which she does whenever she hears something she doesn't like), I marked a spot on the calender and decided she would not have the pleasure to speak with me about her problems for 30 days. I have finally decided that her actions will lead to consequences as far as our relationship is concerned. She just doesn't get to have access to me whenever she wants and then hang up on me. I am so tired of her problems. This has literally been going on my whole life.
I am filled with so much pent up anger about it. Thank god I have a therapists appt on Thursday.
Thanks for sharing both of your experiences, Cookiesaredone and Celticghirl. Cookies--it will do me a lot of good to follow your experience. I would love to know if your intervention will make a difference.
Celtic--I am resolved to not give her any money. She thinks that I don't have any money so that makes it easier because she knows she can't ask. We do have some savings in the bank but no no no am I giving her a penny. In the US, there is always some program you can find to bail you out and help you and it is up to her to do that. I have been saying for months that she needs to learn how many resources there are at her public library. All she does is go there and rent movies that she can sit and watch as she smokes weed, cigs and drinks her martinis from 9 am onwards. She claims she isn't drinking but I doubt it. She has lied before.
I am relieved to have decided I don't need to talk to her for a month.
I need to start working a co-dependency program but don't know where to begin.
After she hung up on me (which she does whenever she hears something she doesn't like), I marked a spot on the calender and decided she would not have the pleasure to speak with me about her problems for 30 days. I have finally decided that her actions will lead to consequences as far as our relationship is concerned. She just doesn't get to have access to me whenever she wants and then hang up on me. I am so tired of her problems. This has literally been going on my whole life.
I am filled with so much pent up anger about it. Thank god I have a therapists appt on Thursday.
Thanks for sharing both of your experiences, Cookiesaredone and Celticghirl. Cookies--it will do me a lot of good to follow your experience. I would love to know if your intervention will make a difference.
Celtic--I am resolved to not give her any money. She thinks that I don't have any money so that makes it easier because she knows she can't ask. We do have some savings in the bank but no no no am I giving her a penny. In the US, there is always some program you can find to bail you out and help you and it is up to her to do that. I have been saying for months that she needs to learn how many resources there are at her public library. All she does is go there and rent movies that she can sit and watch as she smokes weed, cigs and drinks her martinis from 9 am onwards. She claims she isn't drinking but I doubt it. She has lied before.
I am relieved to have decided I don't need to talk to her for a month.
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