Where were you??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Where were you??
It's not unsual to post a thread here and receive your own words from days, months, or even years back in a reply with a gentle, and sometimes no so gentle, questioning of what has changed for you.
Sometimes it's hard to read those words, but I admit it has never failed to motivate me to make healthy changes.
I decided to challenge myself and look back to where I was in recovery around this time last year. I wanted to see how far, or how not so far, I've come.
I was a little surprised when something I thought I'd fixed jumped right out at me.
I posted a thread on 04/01/2009. At the time, I was living with my now XABF and was about 4 mos into my recovery work. Here are the bits that bugged me.
I think I have hit a bit of a wall in detaching from my ABF and putting my efforts towards me.
I started out taking some quiet time each morning to process my thoughts and make small daily goals for myself.
This is still true and is an amazing tool I use daily to keep me moving forward. BUT, I also wrote....
Now, I find my thoughts always turn towards something my ABF has done that has upset me, something he has said that hurt or manipulated me, or some way that his drinking pattern has changed and what that might mean. I find myself focusing on what I should say to him or what action I should take that will make him "see the light" and make him change his behavior in some way. I keep trying to slant what I do for me to have some effect on him. Of course, we all know what this is...codie nonsense...but I can't seem to let it go.
I STILL seem to dwell on how to affect others around me to make things go my way. While this is not directed at XABF anymore since we are separated now, I have replaced him with roommates and family members.
I'm not going to kick myself for not making progress because that is far from true. I've come a long way baby. But this was something I thought I had a handle on and I realize now that I don't. It's just been redirected.
It's time to dig around in my recovery tool box, take inventory, and get crackin' on this one. You suppose my HP had anything to do with this trip back in time??? I wouldn't doubt it.
****
I pose my challenge to others and ask.....Where were you this time last year? Have you made the progress you were hoping to make? Are you still stuck but maybe don't know it?? Like me, is there something that's been lingering that you forgot about??
Do I need to double dog dare you?? 'Cause I will.
Alice
Sometimes it's hard to read those words, but I admit it has never failed to motivate me to make healthy changes.
I decided to challenge myself and look back to where I was in recovery around this time last year. I wanted to see how far, or how not so far, I've come.
I was a little surprised when something I thought I'd fixed jumped right out at me.
I posted a thread on 04/01/2009. At the time, I was living with my now XABF and was about 4 mos into my recovery work. Here are the bits that bugged me.
I think I have hit a bit of a wall in detaching from my ABF and putting my efforts towards me.
I started out taking some quiet time each morning to process my thoughts and make small daily goals for myself.
This is still true and is an amazing tool I use daily to keep me moving forward. BUT, I also wrote....
Now, I find my thoughts always turn towards something my ABF has done that has upset me, something he has said that hurt or manipulated me, or some way that his drinking pattern has changed and what that might mean. I find myself focusing on what I should say to him or what action I should take that will make him "see the light" and make him change his behavior in some way. I keep trying to slant what I do for me to have some effect on him. Of course, we all know what this is...codie nonsense...but I can't seem to let it go.
I STILL seem to dwell on how to affect others around me to make things go my way. While this is not directed at XABF anymore since we are separated now, I have replaced him with roommates and family members.
I'm not going to kick myself for not making progress because that is far from true. I've come a long way baby. But this was something I thought I had a handle on and I realize now that I don't. It's just been redirected.
It's time to dig around in my recovery tool box, take inventory, and get crackin' on this one. You suppose my HP had anything to do with this trip back in time??? I wouldn't doubt it.
****
I pose my challenge to others and ask.....Where were you this time last year? Have you made the progress you were hoping to make? Are you still stuck but maybe don't know it?? Like me, is there something that's been lingering that you forgot about??
Do I need to double dog dare you?? 'Cause I will.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Um, well, this time last year, I hadn't even found SR or any kind of recovery. I was just plugging along, thinking I could save my marriage. 
I was finishing up my paid maternity leave and was being harassed by XAH to find a job real quickly so he wouldn't "have to support the family" (oh god what a burden). At the same time, I was slowly integrating my then 10-month old baby into daycare, which was such a difficult and heart-breaking thing to do. I was running around the city going to interviews at temp agencies, sometimes with my father driving around the block and stopping to pick me up so I could nurse DD before going to my next appointment...then rushing home to buy beer for XAH and pick up my then DSS from school. I was also trying to find us a new apartment because it had become clear that we needed more space than our tiny two bedroom could offer.
Evenings were a mess of trying to clean up, nursing DD, overseeing homework, fights with XAH, avoiding sex/violent video games/endless movies, etc etc.
When I look back, I consider that I was in a total fog. It's only in October of last year that I finally found SR.
I was finishing up my paid maternity leave and was being harassed by XAH to find a job real quickly so he wouldn't "have to support the family" (oh god what a burden). At the same time, I was slowly integrating my then 10-month old baby into daycare, which was such a difficult and heart-breaking thing to do. I was running around the city going to interviews at temp agencies, sometimes with my father driving around the block and stopping to pick me up so I could nurse DD before going to my next appointment...then rushing home to buy beer for XAH and pick up my then DSS from school. I was also trying to find us a new apartment because it had become clear that we needed more space than our tiny two bedroom could offer.
Evenings were a mess of trying to clean up, nursing DD, overseeing homework, fights with XAH, avoiding sex/violent video games/endless movies, etc etc.
When I look back, I consider that I was in a total fog. It's only in October of last year that I finally found SR.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I think the ability to discover that shows your progress, Alice. Awesome.
I wasn't here a year ago, but oh good lord do I remember a year ago. It was when I was so fed up with AH that I was going to leave. I was so drained from his drinking that I thought I would die. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he cried and begged and pleaded and promised, and so I gave him ...one...more...chance... He quit drinking April 23, and then started having an affair soon after. This was followed by months of sadness and depression and drama. I wish I had left when I initially wanted to. It would have saved me a ton of pain. But I am a believer that things happen for a reason. The pain did cause me to face a lot of my deeper issues.
I wasn't here a year ago, but oh good lord do I remember a year ago. It was when I was so fed up with AH that I was going to leave. I was so drained from his drinking that I thought I would die. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he cried and begged and pleaded and promised, and so I gave him ...one...more...chance... He quit drinking April 23, and then started having an affair soon after. This was followed by months of sadness and depression and drama. I wish I had left when I initially wanted to. It would have saved me a ton of pain. But I am a believer that things happen for a reason. The pain did cause me to face a lot of my deeper issues.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You know, I used to tell myself that things would be better next year and to just tough it out whatever the drama. Of course, with XABF it was only 'better' for short periods and then would always get worse. What a crock.
I said aloud again the other day that next year would be better if I just toughed it out. I was having a down moment, but it actually made me laugh....because this time it's actually true and I'm going to see that it is.
I hope next year when I look back on my time here and pull up this thread it doesn't make my head spin. You know, looking back at a thread that's all about looking back. Oy.
Alice
I said aloud again the other day that next year would be better if I just toughed it out. I was having a down moment, but it actually made me laugh....because this time it's actually true and I'm going to see that it is.
I hope next year when I look back on my time here and pull up this thread it doesn't make my head spin. You know, looking back at a thread that's all about looking back. Oy.
Alice
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I wasn't here a year ago, but I remember what I was doing. I was struggling mightily with the realization that my H was certainly, without question, and alcoholic. I think I was in the bargaining stage because I kept trying to talk to him about it - actively trying to bargain with him to quit drinking.
I was also learning that the alcohol was only one cog in our wheel o'problems. he had determined that he wasn't interested in any relationship with me other than to live in the same house and share credit cards - which I was responsible for paying. He would, however, keep the children while I ran errands or went on my evening walks. And I was realizing that he preferred his life when I was away.
It was August before we broke up - due to his drinking and acting out and my unwillingness to pretend it wasn't happening. But HP had put the wheels in motion by April.
I did not understand at that time that we couldn't be saved if only he would reduce his drinking and become more engaged. I was only starting to understand that even if I pulled out the big guns and threatened to leave him and told him how truly unhappy I was and that his drinking was affecting our whole family, he still was not going to change for the sake of himself, me or the children.
I was learning that not only were we not that important to him, but that we weren't powerful enough to fix him. I was just starting to get it.
I was also learning that the alcohol was only one cog in our wheel o'problems. he had determined that he wasn't interested in any relationship with me other than to live in the same house and share credit cards - which I was responsible for paying. He would, however, keep the children while I ran errands or went on my evening walks. And I was realizing that he preferred his life when I was away.
It was August before we broke up - due to his drinking and acting out and my unwillingness to pretend it wasn't happening. But HP had put the wheels in motion by April.
I did not understand at that time that we couldn't be saved if only he would reduce his drinking and become more engaged. I was only starting to understand that even if I pulled out the big guns and threatened to leave him and told him how truly unhappy I was and that his drinking was affecting our whole family, he still was not going to change for the sake of himself, me or the children.
I was learning that not only were we not that important to him, but that we weren't powerful enough to fix him. I was just starting to get it.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Good question. Ummm... last year at this time my husband had 3 months of recovery and doing friendship with me. We had been separated for almost one year b/c of his drinking. I was skeptical and distant. He wanted to date. I was looking at new homes in case the marriage ended. I wanted to test out what was possible for me. I was making plans to help move my kids onto their own lives knowing that I was ok. I was posting on a forum designed to help people avoid divorce and didn't know about this site. But I was reading daily meditations from Alanon books purchased the year before and thinking about going back to help myself move forward. I was trying to set goals for knowing when to leave permanently or move forward together.
I was frustrated to see a lot of the same behaviors but learned that this is usual. I discovered that I could be ok without him if needed. I discovered that my kids were grown up. I discovered my children's father and others were more compassionate than I believed and they were willing to help me in anyway needed with the kids or myself. It was a nice relief for a change.
Today I see myself is much of the same place with one exception. Then I didn't know if I could live without him in many ways and today I know I can. Then I was testing the waters and today I know what my options are. Then I didn't know what my kids could handle, and today I know they are great people! They have been supportive, help when asked but have their own lives unless invited in which shows great boundaries. They are successful and opening up in such wonderful ways it blows me away sometimes in a good way. Last year I couldn't tell anyone what was going on and today I will tell others the facts, I will ask for support, but I don't dwell.
What is the same for the most part is that I still think about him all the time, and find I still wonder what I could do to make a difference. I still need to remind myself that it is his job.
Another biggie - last year I was feeling that I somehow failed in this relationship and at times I blamed him for his illness. Today I know I did not fail - he did not fail - I felt rejected and unwanted, now I know he has to heal himself first - I know he loves me but can't do this now. I am ready to accept whatever happens and I am planning to set a date for resolving things to stop the limbo. Last year I was angry, tired, frustrated with life and today I am still tired but for good reasons, I have more compassion for others, and I have few frustrations in life. The anger is gone. The sadness is much less and the negative thinking has been replaced by my natural view of possibilities.
I was frustrated to see a lot of the same behaviors but learned that this is usual. I discovered that I could be ok without him if needed. I discovered that my kids were grown up. I discovered my children's father and others were more compassionate than I believed and they were willing to help me in anyway needed with the kids or myself. It was a nice relief for a change.
Today I see myself is much of the same place with one exception. Then I didn't know if I could live without him in many ways and today I know I can. Then I was testing the waters and today I know what my options are. Then I didn't know what my kids could handle, and today I know they are great people! They have been supportive, help when asked but have their own lives unless invited in which shows great boundaries. They are successful and opening up in such wonderful ways it blows me away sometimes in a good way. Last year I couldn't tell anyone what was going on and today I will tell others the facts, I will ask for support, but I don't dwell.
What is the same for the most part is that I still think about him all the time, and find I still wonder what I could do to make a difference. I still need to remind myself that it is his job.
Another biggie - last year I was feeling that I somehow failed in this relationship and at times I blamed him for his illness. Today I know I did not fail - he did not fail - I felt rejected and unwanted, now I know he has to heal himself first - I know he loves me but can't do this now. I am ready to accept whatever happens and I am planning to set a date for resolving things to stop the limbo. Last year I was angry, tired, frustrated with life and today I am still tired but for good reasons, I have more compassion for others, and I have few frustrations in life. The anger is gone. The sadness is much less and the negative thinking has been replaced by my natural view of possibilities.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
I was in the midst of being accused of having an affair and being in porn movies, living with an AH who was angry all the time and berating me every night as soon as I got home for things I didn't do. It wasn't until October and this forum that I realized the trouble I was in in this marriage. Since then I have left him, am going through divorce proceedings, living on my own, and with my wonderful 16 YO son who has come to live with me since I'm not with the bad man. I have learned so much, although I still have a long way to go.
Great thread! Wonderful to see how people have progressed. This site ROCKS!
Great thread! Wonderful to see how people have progressed. This site ROCKS!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
A year ago today? I'd shipped STBXAH off to his first inpatient rehab stint and was rather enjoying the break from his vomiting-stumbling-blame-shifting-self.
Wouldn't be the last, but it was a step in the direction I am today - filed for divorce, letting the lawyers duke it out, and planning a fabulous vacation. Without him. I'd threatened divorce a year ago, and was seriously thinking about it. Rehab didn't work, or he just didn't "work it" and here I am.
Wouldn't be the last, but it was a step in the direction I am today - filed for divorce, letting the lawyers duke it out, and planning a fabulous vacation. Without him. I'd threatened divorce a year ago, and was seriously thinking about it. Rehab didn't work, or he just didn't "work it" and here I am.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Anniversary weekend
This is my anniversary weekend for my divorce from my A. I had been thinking about posting the changes of the last year. Thank you for starting this thought provoking thread, Alice!
My divorce was final one year ago.
My move away from our family home occured the same weekend.
My children, pets and I moved 2 hours away from our family home.
My exhusband was one month sober and working with a sponsor at AA.
There are no posts from me for about 3 weeks during that time.
However, I did find this post from Feb 2009 that involves my anger at it's height. I was livid.
Here it is:
Tough week
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Background: I am separated from my AH. He took his personal belongings out on the 11th. I was home alone for several days this past weekend as my children were out of town. I worked most days, but was home alone Sunday. I survived. I have started to do my yoga/pilates dvd again and have kept it up daily.
I went to two more alanon meetings this past week. Different meetings at different locations. I liked them both. I have borrowed two books and purchased one. I even stayed after the last meeting to chat with someone who has been married to an alcoholic. And, I have phone numbers!
This past Tuesday, I experienced ANGER from hell. Crazy Anger! Yelling and screaming and crying anger! I was home alone (cat and dog count?) As mad as I wanted to be at him, I was still just as mad at me! Stupid, stupid, stupid things I have done, things he has done that I over looked. Anyway, I needed that and the next step I took was very cleansing! I purged my home of alcohol! Now the environmentalist will have to skip this next part, or forgive me, please. We had litres, half gallons, pints, fifths of vodka, rum, tequila, whiskey, cordials, etc ....still in the cabinet. We have a septic tank, so I did not want to put them down the sink, and did not want them breaking from all the weight in the trash. So, I used them as weed control on my back fence! My dog tried to lick up the Baileys!
Next I tackled the fridge in the garage and about 1 1/2 cases of beer. Fertilizer for my flower beds! This yard smelt like a distillery! I felt relief.
Wednesday, was tough. My heart was breaking. There is no communication between us, other than an occasional e-mail about bills.
Thursday, I'm still down. I realized he had been gone a week and he had not called our daughter to check on her (still hasn't) I was sick inside. I hurt. I almost lost it at work. I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. My sister left me a nice message on my phone and I called a friend after work. My friend had some good advise for me. Try to realize that as bad as this feels it could be worse. How? I might not be communicating with him but it could be because he was in a hospital unable to talk, and I agreed that it could be worse if he were in jail from committing DUI homicide. It sounds crazy, but I found comfort in knowing it was not as bad as that!
Both my sis and friend reminded me of the emotions I will be experiencing: anger, guilt, fear, sorrow, mourning. My friend asked me to call her if I ever get stuck in one of these feelings and she will help me get unstuck. I was laughing and crying when I said:
Oh yeah! I don't want to miss out on the roller coaster ride of emotions and get stuck in anger when I could spend my time in sorrow!! And then I sighed with joy! It's okay! I am thankful for the strength to feel all of my emotions, feel them all, instead of drowning them out with alcohol! It is painful, but I am growing! This is progress, not perfection! A slogan realized!
Today was a better day. One day at a time. Thank you all for your support. I have been reading here daily, but not always posting. I am cautious because he knows I frequent this site and he knows my id.
I want to thank anvilhead for this nugget of wisdom that is on a notecard on my mirror now. I have been struggling with my feelings of loss and sorrow and I do not want to go back into the same old, same old, out of fear and loneliness. I know I want more for myself and my children. This is what Anvilhead posted on someones thread earlier this week:
"I want someone who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as a full-fledged partner in life"
One day at a time....
__________________
My divorce was final one year ago.
My move away from our family home occured the same weekend.
My children, pets and I moved 2 hours away from our family home.
My exhusband was one month sober and working with a sponsor at AA.
There are no posts from me for about 3 weeks during that time.
However, I did find this post from Feb 2009 that involves my anger at it's height. I was livid.
Here it is:
Tough week
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Background: I am separated from my AH. He took his personal belongings out on the 11th. I was home alone for several days this past weekend as my children were out of town. I worked most days, but was home alone Sunday. I survived. I have started to do my yoga/pilates dvd again and have kept it up daily.
I went to two more alanon meetings this past week. Different meetings at different locations. I liked them both. I have borrowed two books and purchased one. I even stayed after the last meeting to chat with someone who has been married to an alcoholic. And, I have phone numbers!
This past Tuesday, I experienced ANGER from hell. Crazy Anger! Yelling and screaming and crying anger! I was home alone (cat and dog count?) As mad as I wanted to be at him, I was still just as mad at me! Stupid, stupid, stupid things I have done, things he has done that I over looked. Anyway, I needed that and the next step I took was very cleansing! I purged my home of alcohol! Now the environmentalist will have to skip this next part, or forgive me, please. We had litres, half gallons, pints, fifths of vodka, rum, tequila, whiskey, cordials, etc ....still in the cabinet. We have a septic tank, so I did not want to put them down the sink, and did not want them breaking from all the weight in the trash. So, I used them as weed control on my back fence! My dog tried to lick up the Baileys!
Next I tackled the fridge in the garage and about 1 1/2 cases of beer. Fertilizer for my flower beds! This yard smelt like a distillery! I felt relief.
Wednesday, was tough. My heart was breaking. There is no communication between us, other than an occasional e-mail about bills.
Thursday, I'm still down. I realized he had been gone a week and he had not called our daughter to check on her (still hasn't) I was sick inside. I hurt. I almost lost it at work. I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. My sister left me a nice message on my phone and I called a friend after work. My friend had some good advise for me. Try to realize that as bad as this feels it could be worse. How? I might not be communicating with him but it could be because he was in a hospital unable to talk, and I agreed that it could be worse if he were in jail from committing DUI homicide. It sounds crazy, but I found comfort in knowing it was not as bad as that!
Both my sis and friend reminded me of the emotions I will be experiencing: anger, guilt, fear, sorrow, mourning. My friend asked me to call her if I ever get stuck in one of these feelings and she will help me get unstuck. I was laughing and crying when I said:
Oh yeah! I don't want to miss out on the roller coaster ride of emotions and get stuck in anger when I could spend my time in sorrow!! And then I sighed with joy! It's okay! I am thankful for the strength to feel all of my emotions, feel them all, instead of drowning them out with alcohol! It is painful, but I am growing! This is progress, not perfection! A slogan realized!
Today was a better day. One day at a time. Thank you all for your support. I have been reading here daily, but not always posting. I am cautious because he knows I frequent this site and he knows my id.
I want to thank anvilhead for this nugget of wisdom that is on a notecard on my mirror now. I have been struggling with my feelings of loss and sorrow and I do not want to go back into the same old, same old, out of fear and loneliness. I know I want more for myself and my children. This is what Anvilhead posted on someones thread earlier this week:
"I want someone who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as a full-fledged partner in life"
One day at a time....
__________________
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Amazing, Pelican!!
It actually surprised me to read that. I'm trying to understand why.
I guess the same way I have forgotten details of where I was a year ago, I have also fogotten where others have been. Our journeys are so fresh in our minds yet it still feels like it all happened ages ago or in some other lifetime.
As they say....the mileage can be rough.
I have come to count on your posts for inspiration and wise guidance and this is no exception. What fantastic look back on how you worked through a very raw time in your life. A lot to learn from your recovery story.
...And look at you now, my friend.....Wow!
Alice
It actually surprised me to read that. I'm trying to understand why.
I guess the same way I have forgotten details of where I was a year ago, I have also fogotten where others have been. Our journeys are so fresh in our minds yet it still feels like it all happened ages ago or in some other lifetime.
As they say....the mileage can be rough.
I have come to count on your posts for inspiration and wise guidance and this is no exception. What fantastic look back on how you worked through a very raw time in your life. A lot to learn from your recovery story.
...And look at you now, my friend.....Wow!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
A year ago I also was not here. Me and STBXAH were separated for a year. He was sober for 2 months and I was considering a reconsiliation. Just then came a huge relapse and I moved on to filing for divorce.
What changed for me in this past year:
. I came to believe that I am not the cause of his drinking
. I became more aware of his manipulation skills (to hook me into relationship)
. I have less guilt - about him being lonely
. I cry a lot less that a year ago - better for the children
. I know now we cannot reconcile- not only guessing
. Children feel more safe with me(emotionally) as I am stronger
. Children/I have more respect for me.
I am still depressed. He is currently sober and in AA and therapy. I tend to get more sad when he is better due to the person thet I love that is back.
What changed for me in this past year:
. I came to believe that I am not the cause of his drinking
. I became more aware of his manipulation skills (to hook me into relationship)
. I have less guilt - about him being lonely
. I cry a lot less that a year ago - better for the children
. I know now we cannot reconcile- not only guessing
. Children feel more safe with me(emotionally) as I am stronger
. Children/I have more respect for me.
I am still depressed. He is currently sober and in AA and therapy. I tend to get more sad when he is better due to the person thet I love that is back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Wow, great thread. I reread my journal from a year ago, and it really struck me that some things have stayed the same, despite RAH's 7 months of sobriety.
I've learned many, many things in the past year. The most startling realization is that my primary feeling is loneliness. That was true a year ago, it is true now, but I've only come to realize this in the past couple of weeks. Yep, there's resentment, but much of that resentment stems from the fact that I'm feeling lonely. I know now that I deserve to have a partner, and if I'm going to be lonely in a relationship, what's the point of being in it?
Many questions. Answers seem to be slow coming, but I'm working on it.
Alice, thanks for the thread, and thanks to the posters for sharing.
I've learned many, many things in the past year. The most startling realization is that my primary feeling is loneliness. That was true a year ago, it is true now, but I've only come to realize this in the past couple of weeks. Yep, there's resentment, but much of that resentment stems from the fact that I'm feeling lonely. I know now that I deserve to have a partner, and if I'm going to be lonely in a relationship, what's the point of being in it?
Many questions. Answers seem to be slow coming, but I'm working on it.
Alice, thanks for the thread, and thanks to the posters for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
A year ago I wasn't here though I had started my Al Anon program. I was waiting for my ex to "come back" (a sober, yet dry alcoholic) while we took one of our many long breaks while he does god knows what, get enough distance from the relationship to miss me I guess.
What has changed for me:
--I'm realizing I have been selling myself short with work, my career has suffered from my relationship obsessions
--I am focusing on the moment instead of what I don't have
--I am happy!!!!!
--I am not being tossed around because of someone's intimacy problems.
--I feel I have a future, and a new perspective
When I was involved with the "dry drunk" I had begun to lose hope for my life. The best way I could describe our interaction was "every request denied". If he found out I wanted or needed something it was like he would do everything he could to make sure I didn't get that and blame me for it.
I've taken the power back in my life and I'm bringing those things that I want for myself with my own efforts. And it's working. I'm a lot happier, more stable, and connected.
What has changed for me:
--I'm realizing I have been selling myself short with work, my career has suffered from my relationship obsessions
--I am focusing on the moment instead of what I don't have
--I am happy!!!!!
--I am not being tossed around because of someone's intimacy problems.
--I feel I have a future, and a new perspective
When I was involved with the "dry drunk" I had begun to lose hope for my life. The best way I could describe our interaction was "every request denied". If he found out I wanted or needed something it was like he would do everything he could to make sure I didn't get that and blame me for it.
I've taken the power back in my life and I'm bringing those things that I want for myself with my own efforts. And it's working. I'm a lot happier, more stable, and connected.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
I find myself focusing on what I should say to him or what action I should take that will make him "see the light" and make him change his behavior in some way. I keep trying to slant what I do for me to have some effect on him. Of course, we all know what this is...codie nonsense...but I can't seem to let it go.[/B]
I find I still am. I think I'm almost free of it.
One year ago, my xabf had not yet fallen. But there were still tons of things I wanted him to do to get healthy, and had the illusion that he would.
It is heartening for me to read a post like this, from someone like you, who often posts such wisdom. You seem to be on such solid ground.
Thank you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'd almost forgotten - things are sooooo different now
The following utter panic attack was from about one year ago......my then BF, now Mr. HG, had given his son 30 days notice to move out, and his son was arrested that very weekend of the deadline.
arrested, yay! released.....oy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was not able to sleep very well at all last night in spite of the fact that we thought my BFs AS was securely behind bars. So when I got out of bed this morning, I checked the public records section of the local jail, and he was no longer listed as a detainee!!!!!
So, I called my BF to let him know and he says yes, he's here in his bed!!!
Apparently, my BF was up early this morning, too, and began to box up some of his son's clothes from the closet. After putting a few things in the box, he picked it up off the floor and put it on the bed.....and a groan issued from the bed!! Scared the living c*** out of him! Bear in mind this room is like a tornado hit it, and his son was just another lump on the bed so he did not see him, and thought he'd be in jail all weekend.
So it's going to be a crazy weekend after all. One minute at a time, one minute at a time, one minute at a time.........
HG
My now A stepson is living on his own, homeless, drinking again.....the difference? We are not in a panic. We know that it is his life and these are his decisions and consequences and that it's OK for us to distance ourselves from his chaos. We do pray for him and for his recovery every day!
Whew.....interesting to take a trip down memory lane, eh?!
Hugs, HG
arrested, yay! released.....oy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was not able to sleep very well at all last night in spite of the fact that we thought my BFs AS was securely behind bars. So when I got out of bed this morning, I checked the public records section of the local jail, and he was no longer listed as a detainee!!!!!
So, I called my BF to let him know and he says yes, he's here in his bed!!!
Apparently, my BF was up early this morning, too, and began to box up some of his son's clothes from the closet. After putting a few things in the box, he picked it up off the floor and put it on the bed.....and a groan issued from the bed!! Scared the living c*** out of him! Bear in mind this room is like a tornado hit it, and his son was just another lump on the bed so he did not see him, and thought he'd be in jail all weekend.
So it's going to be a crazy weekend after all. One minute at a time, one minute at a time, one minute at a time.........
HG
My now A stepson is living on his own, homeless, drinking again.....the difference? We are not in a panic. We know that it is his life and these are his decisions and consequences and that it's OK for us to distance ourselves from his chaos. We do pray for him and for his recovery every day!
Whew.....interesting to take a trip down memory lane, eh?!
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
One year ago this month I had just moved to my residence having no idea what I was about to face this past year.
One year ago I was having hours of phone conversations with someone who was drinking himself to sleep while we spoke.
One year ago I was completely oblivious to the control that alcohol had over someone I cared about.
One year ago I put someone else's needs far above my own for fear of hurting him, and for fear of losing a chance with him.
One year ago I was waiting.....waiting....waiting for someone to say I love you and can't imagine my life without you, while I couldn't say it to myself.
One year ago lead me to today and today I am learning to find happiness within myself. It's a daily process.
Today I would never ever settle for what I settled for one year ago.
Today I would acknowledge and accept any red flags as reality.
Today I have the future to look forward to, and it's based in reality, not in thinking that someone who drinks himself to sleep on the phone with me is going to miraculously become a constant ray of sunshine and build a life with me where we are frolicking through wonderland.
Today I have expressed feelings about my past, my childhood and family which have influenced my choices for relationship partners as an adult.
Today I am more aware of those choices, and knowing that the common denominator is me. No one can hurt me unless I give them the power to.
Today I worry "what if I haven't learned my lesson, what if I still make poor choices in the future, I wonder if I will ever get it right?"
Today I know to breath, take it one day at a time, and learn that I am in complete control of my life. No one else.
:ghug3
One year ago I was having hours of phone conversations with someone who was drinking himself to sleep while we spoke.
One year ago I was completely oblivious to the control that alcohol had over someone I cared about.
One year ago I put someone else's needs far above my own for fear of hurting him, and for fear of losing a chance with him.
One year ago I was waiting.....waiting....waiting for someone to say I love you and can't imagine my life without you, while I couldn't say it to myself.
One year ago lead me to today and today I am learning to find happiness within myself. It's a daily process.
Today I would never ever settle for what I settled for one year ago.
Today I would acknowledge and accept any red flags as reality.
Today I have the future to look forward to, and it's based in reality, not in thinking that someone who drinks himself to sleep on the phone with me is going to miraculously become a constant ray of sunshine and build a life with me where we are frolicking through wonderland.
Today I have expressed feelings about my past, my childhood and family which have influenced my choices for relationship partners as an adult.
Today I am more aware of those choices, and knowing that the common denominator is me. No one can hurt me unless I give them the power to.
Today I worry "what if I haven't learned my lesson, what if I still make poor choices in the future, I wonder if I will ever get it right?"
Today I know to breath, take it one day at a time, and learn that I am in complete control of my life. No one else.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Here is my journal entry from a year ago...
I had been reading SR for a few months by this time last year... was trying to grasp concepts... and save my husband from himself.... and I was loosing my mind in the process.
So glad I found SR... what a difference a year makes.
April 13th – 4:14 am You’re puking in the front yard! I said that I wanted you to go to the Doctor for a check up – “people don’t puke in their front yard unless something is wrong”. In less than 10 minutes you deny that anything is wrong. It’s a figment of my imagination.
So glad I found SR... what a difference a year makes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
Wow...what a great post you have all responded to. In reflection...I feel as if I've already read my own in yours collectively.
A year ago....
I suspected, but didn't know the extent of my AH and his drinking
I knew we were in financial freefall
I saw that our college aged kids needed our (my) help in getting them through this year
I felt abandoned, alone, and sucked dry
I feared the future
I saw no hope
I struggled to find the good in my AH that he once had
Today.......
I know the pit my AH is trying to climb out of
I can tackle the finances...as bad as they may be
I've learned that my kids have grown up and can find some ways to help themselves
I know I have great friends, family, and resources to help me
I look forward to a better future that will give me independence from my AH
There is hope
My AH has good in him...he can be healed, but I will not be living with him when he is finally where he needs to be.
What a difference a year makes.
Peace to all of you friends here on SR. Without this place to write and communicate, it would have been a much lonelier year.
I hope your Saturday is sunny and bright, wherever you are.
A year ago....
I suspected, but didn't know the extent of my AH and his drinking
I knew we were in financial freefall
I saw that our college aged kids needed our (my) help in getting them through this year
I felt abandoned, alone, and sucked dry
I feared the future
I saw no hope
I struggled to find the good in my AH that he once had
Today.......
I know the pit my AH is trying to climb out of
I can tackle the finances...as bad as they may be
I've learned that my kids have grown up and can find some ways to help themselves
I know I have great friends, family, and resources to help me
I look forward to a better future that will give me independence from my AH
There is hope
My AH has good in him...he can be healed, but I will not be living with him when he is finally where he needs to be.
What a difference a year makes.
Peace to all of you friends here on SR. Without this place to write and communicate, it would have been a much lonelier year.
I hope your Saturday is sunny and bright, wherever you are.
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