queenofca

my ah says now that now he knows i am not his biggest champion and supporter in his quitting drinking. He said he always thought i was, but because i thought he had been drinking last night. he knows that i am not. he said i was supposed to be his best friend.

i tried to tell him, that it was because he quit before and he hasn't been talking to me about how he has been feeling this last time that he quit. he says he is stronger than before. but i dont know that. When i told him i need to know what his plan was or to share with me what was going on he said, and i am quoting

ME: why do i have to ask to find out, this is something that affects both of us why cant you le me in on your process. you told me once not to ask anything and that if you wanted to talk about it youd let me know.

HIM: yes, i did, and that hasn't changed much, really. i'd prefer you just trusted that i was going to do well, without daily updates from me.

how i deal with things is my business. and you're selfish beyond words to ask me to change that just for you. if i'm not drinking, then whatever i'm doing is working.


i dont know what to think anymore. now things are worse between us then when he was drinking. It's hard to have these conversations long distance.

I feel like *#%!*#%!*#%!*#%!. I'm hurting terribly. Is he right. was i wrong to doubt him? does that make me bad? i dont know what to think now. I hate this more than anything.

When i said that i was hurt by all this and it was killing me. he said well so am i.

great so now i hurt him. this wasn't what i wanted to do, i was just trying to be honest in my feelings. he says to me just because i feel something doesnt mean its right or make it ok or justified.

now i feel like drinking.

Cecilia

I maybe wrong but I think a lot of bingers dont consider themselves A.s because they dont drink daily. They say Im not an Alkie, I can stop anytime. And they do for months.

Since its longer beween episodes it takes longer to establish trust. If your guys a daily A he will fall off the wagon a lot quicker. You might have to wait months wondering id a binger is going to fall off.
I dont think your bad at all. I think youre human. Your A sounds controlling and manipulating. Ive BTDT with mine. Tell him hes been a bad boy in the past and he has to earn your trust. He cant demand it, He cant maniplate it , and he cant guilt trip it.

Could be the reason hes on his high horse is because he WAS drinking. Ive found that the more wrong mine is the louder he is. As an ex football jock he seems to think that the best defense is a good offense. Divert your wifes attention off some crap youve done by making a scene. LOL.

You have no control to stop or start his drinking. If hes really serious it shouldnt matter to him what you say. Dont let him do a number on you. Sounds like he might already be drinking and hes setting you up as the fall gal.

If Im wrong Im sorry but I see a lot of my Huz in your post.

Juls

Oh no, Miss Thang,

Don't let him pull that wool over your eyes. He needs to be accountable for himself, more so because he's had problems with his drinking. You are not supposed to "just trust him" cause he says so. Trust has already been broken, and it's on him to rebuild it, anyway you need to.

He is laying a BIG head trip on you, and you are taking it on by questioning yourself. Your instincts are correct, and if that's his attitude, then he needs to think again.

I don't know to advise you, but I hope you at least feel, oh what's that word, Oh, "validated."

Juls

queenofca

Yes, he's a binger. He didn't (doesnt?) drink that often, but when he does he doesn't know when to quit. I have often been worried that he'll have a sitution like your husband (which by the way I am SO sorry to read in your posts--you are a strong woman and i admire that)

The thought did cross my mind That he did in fact drink-- he was over the top in his getting mad. He was like that last night and today when we fought. He knows how to push my buttons, but I would have liked to think that he'd tell me the thruth. Unless he was feeling really guilty and not wanting to admit it, and figured since he was away he'd just instead make me feel bad and get some milage out of it.

i tried to tell him that if there wasn't a problem then he shouldnt get so mad or worry what i think. of course that backfired and he said well then from now on i am not going to care what you think. he used that against me today.

it is so hard to know what to think anymore. it just hurts me that when he says that i dont believe in him and it hurts him. I told him if i didnt believe you could do it then i would have left. he said that was *#%!*#%!*#%!*#%! because that just meant that being with him drinking was better than being alone.

who knows. i know i can't spend all this time worrying about it. but i guess i am so deep in it now that its too late for that.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hey Queenie.

I have to admit I thought the same thing Cecelia did... there would be no reason to make such a big deal of this if he was not feeling guilty. Any reasonable person would realize that trust takes time and has to be earned.

On the other hand...

people recover in a lot of different ways. The number one way people quit drinking is to just quit drinking. Of course you have doubts and questions. He's earned them. However, it doesn't do you any good to try to figure out what he's up to. There's a book called "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie that a lot of us like. There's so much more to life than trying to micromanage someone else's addiction and recovery. It doesn't mean you don't care when you let go. It only means you acknowledge that the decisions and the actions regarding his recovery are not yours to make.

Hugs,
Smoke

Rainy

Hi queenofca,

"he says to me just because i feel something doesnt mean its right or make it ok or justified."

He's right..but so are you...you are entitled to YOUR feelings, how he takes them is up to him.

It also sounds like he's trying to guilt you too..... Your not his champion and best friend because you THOUGHT he was drinking last night? How many times in the past did you think he was drinking, only to find out you were right? Your fears and insecurities are not going to dissipate over night, and he should understand that. Whether he does or not is again, up to him.

My H is also in recovery, 5 months today. I've been through this before, like you, so I know the thoughts that can start going through your head, the doubts, etc.

I have a rather simple way of dealing with things this time around. At first I did this just so I could get through each day w/o driving myself nuts with worry like I did last time.

I started out by telling him I was there to support him and his effort to remain sober, but I was not going to interfere at all this time. I won't ask about meetings, I won't ask about what step you're on, I won't ask if you're craving, where you've been, who you've been with, nothing. BUT, if you choose to come to me and want to talk about any of it, I will be more than happy to do that, but only when you're ready. I also worked on me, kept going to Alanon, minded my own business and kept the focus on my own recovery, learning how to set healthy boundaries, etc.

He didn't talk to me much in the beginning, but as the months have gone by, he comes to me more and more and has opened up about his life a lot, his feelings, fears, insecurities, etc. Now we are getting to the stage where I can see he's having a hard day and I will say "you look like you're having a rough day, need a hug?" and he'll talk about what's bothering him.

I think part of your H's reaction is guilt feelings on his part (he's put you through hell in the past and now he wants you to trust him AGAIN!), shame, insecurity.

Are you going to f2f Alanon? If not, please try it. I have spent most of my life living in co-dependent dysfunction. Learning the tools I needed to put the focus on MY needs and MY recovery has been the greatest gift I've ever received.

((hugs)) and take good care of YOU,

Cecilia

I cant remember where I got this quote but it fits a lot of us.

"The more you try to control someone, the more control you give them over you."

Yours sounds a lot like mine. Ive found that I cant argue with him in a fair fight cause I dont care to be that loud and nasty. Now when he does that I point out to him that when hes wrong he gets verbally abusive so he must think hes wrong. Cause if he was right we would be discussing this quietly.

If he gets really obnoxious and I dont want to argue I just agree with everything he says. Yes your right, Your always right, I dont know what got into me. I dont know how you put up with me.

queenofca

Thanks all. You have helped me a ton. It's funny I know we all 'know' better. I've been in counseling, lived with an addict brother, read the books worked on myself. But it doesn't seem to make a difference sometimes when you get yourself stuck in a certain pattern of thought. I remember once I told myself that it's easier to do the bad thing and harder to do the right thing. That can apply to a lot of stuff, addictions, co-dependency and so forth.

well, I am off to my first ever face to face al-anon meeting.

Thanks to everyone. I hope to be able to return the favor.