Codependent wife of dual addict- I think!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bushkill, PA
Posts: 3
Codependent wife of dual addict- I think!
Hi all! I just joined today and this will be a long post I am sure.
I have been married for 7 1/2 months. Right after we got engaged my then-fiance confessed he'd been taking Xanax and Vicodin for two years including stealing from his mom's needed prescriptions (she has two legit diagnoses and has as-needed prescriptions for both but seldom takes them).
He went through withdrawal.
Two months later he bought a house and we moved to PA. Then the drinking I had suspected he had a problem with started to happen every single night. Drink from 9PM until midnight or so. Then I found the bottle of Vicodin hidden in a coat pocket in the guest bedroom closet- with 15 pills missing after 3 days of it being filled.
This Fall he drank 2 liters of vodka a night from early October until January 2nd. I also just found out he has been switching up Vicodin prescriptions- getting the extra strength from his dentist one month, and the regular strength from our primary the next, since November.
He totally denies having a problem but hides the pills, still lies about it when I find them as if I can't count, and tries to tell me the alcohol is disappearing because I drink it to (even if I've had one drink in two weeks) and that he only drinks after 9PM so it is okay.
I deny him having a problem sometimes in his defense and thinking I must just be a prude.
I came here because I am at my wit's end with worrying about it all.
I have been married for 7 1/2 months. Right after we got engaged my then-fiance confessed he'd been taking Xanax and Vicodin for two years including stealing from his mom's needed prescriptions (she has two legit diagnoses and has as-needed prescriptions for both but seldom takes them).
He went through withdrawal.
Two months later he bought a house and we moved to PA. Then the drinking I had suspected he had a problem with started to happen every single night. Drink from 9PM until midnight or so. Then I found the bottle of Vicodin hidden in a coat pocket in the guest bedroom closet- with 15 pills missing after 3 days of it being filled.
This Fall he drank 2 liters of vodka a night from early October until January 2nd. I also just found out he has been switching up Vicodin prescriptions- getting the extra strength from his dentist one month, and the regular strength from our primary the next, since November.
He totally denies having a problem but hides the pills, still lies about it when I find them as if I can't count, and tries to tell me the alcohol is disappearing because I drink it to (even if I've had one drink in two weeks) and that he only drinks after 9PM so it is okay.
I deny him having a problem sometimes in his defense and thinking I must just be a prude.
I came here because I am at my wit's end with worrying about it all.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I am new here to, but be patient and you will receive replies that mean so, so much and are true based on experience. Keep posting and keep reading and you will know your inner senses are correct.
I'm not one to give advice only being 10 days into my challenges. Others advice is the best.
I'm not one to give advice only being 10 days into my challenges. Others advice is the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
chasingamazing,
welcome to s/r. it is indeed a great forum.
i don't think i've ever ever ever in my long-legged life seen someone wonder if a person is an addict without it actually being true.
we have this wiring in us that alerts us when something is just not right. some call it intuition, some just know that when they go back and look at the moment they felt it, that their gut was correct. it is simply the way we humans are created.
what happens, though, is well-meaning, or similarly messed-up parents, friends, or what-have-yous, "teach" us to deny those feelings. we may have grown up learning to not trust, and we don't trust ourselves.
i am so sorry you are going through this - there is nothing i've experienced in my life that is as painful as living with an addict who isn't ready to get better.
have you ever considered al-anon or nar-anon?
welcome to s/r. it is indeed a great forum.
i don't think i've ever ever ever in my long-legged life seen someone wonder if a person is an addict without it actually being true.
we have this wiring in us that alerts us when something is just not right. some call it intuition, some just know that when they go back and look at the moment they felt it, that their gut was correct. it is simply the way we humans are created.
what happens, though, is well-meaning, or similarly messed-up parents, friends, or what-have-yous, "teach" us to deny those feelings. we may have grown up learning to not trust, and we don't trust ourselves.
i am so sorry you are going through this - there is nothing i've experienced in my life that is as painful as living with an addict who isn't ready to get better.
have you ever considered al-anon or nar-anon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bushkill, PA
Posts: 3
I have looked briefly into al-anon and only online. According to the online search, the only meetings are well over an hour away.
It is true that I tend to discount and second guess my feelings- doubt myself.
His father and brother are both recovering alcoholics who both had substance abuse addictions, too. His father no longer uses either but his brother now takes too much OTC stuff and sometimes OD's on his prescriptions.
It is true that I tend to discount and second guess my feelings- doubt myself.
His father and brother are both recovering alcoholics who both had substance abuse addictions, too. His father no longer uses either but his brother now takes too much OTC stuff and sometimes OD's on his prescriptions.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. I recommend the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. Lots of wisdom on those threads! Some of our stories are there too.
When living with an addicted personality, I was doubting my ability to make good decisions. The addict was always taking my words and weaving a tale that left me doubting myself. I felt like a pretzel.
Addicts will lie, blame-shift, deny, manipulate and create drama to hide their addictions. It's part of the cycle.
Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as needed.
We are here to support you!
You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. I recommend the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. Lots of wisdom on those threads! Some of our stories are there too.
When living with an addicted personality, I was doubting my ability to make good decisions. The addict was always taking my words and weaving a tale that left me doubting myself. I felt like a pretzel.
Addicts will lie, blame-shift, deny, manipulate and create drama to hide their addictions. It's part of the cycle.
Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as needed.
We are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Murrieta, CA
Posts: 2
I just left my husband for the second time in two years because of his addictions. The first time around it was because he was constantly overdosing on a pain killer called Tramadol. Having seizures and passing out. After I left he "stopped" talking pills, I needed time to work on things and he started using Heroin. Apparently thats my fault because I "Didn't beleive he stopped taking pills" well he went to rehab and we started to work on things. He started smoking dope again right before he graduated rehab, unfortunately I didnt' find out until 1 week after I worked my butt off recreating a home for us.
Addicts Lie, steal hid, blame-shift. Twist everything around and make it your fault! Those bits of your story sound like mine! My husband would constantly tell me I couldnt count! And hide stuff than pretend he wasn't hidding anything. I will never forget the night I found burnt foil hidding in his wallet and I confronted him about it. He seriously fought and argued with me, that I actually put the foil in his wallet so that I could find it, than accuse him of using drugs, so that I could start a fight and find some reason to want to leave him again. LOL. What sucks is the twist shift and manipulate until you just give up and say whatever! What else can you say? They do make you doubt yourself, make you feel crazy, think you are really crazy. And you don't know whats really right or wrong anymore. I once also found foil baggies and other trash in the garbage, my husband did nothing but talk about what a crazy phys co B@#$% I was for going through the trash, and calling me disgusting. Telling me and insisting that what I found wasn't really there. ... how much can you argue with that? You just go in cricles and circles fighting, and it never gets anywhere.....
Addicts Lie, steal hid, blame-shift. Twist everything around and make it your fault! Those bits of your story sound like mine! My husband would constantly tell me I couldnt count! And hide stuff than pretend he wasn't hidding anything. I will never forget the night I found burnt foil hidding in his wallet and I confronted him about it. He seriously fought and argued with me, that I actually put the foil in his wallet so that I could find it, than accuse him of using drugs, so that I could start a fight and find some reason to want to leave him again. LOL. What sucks is the twist shift and manipulate until you just give up and say whatever! What else can you say? They do make you doubt yourself, make you feel crazy, think you are really crazy. And you don't know whats really right or wrong anymore. I once also found foil baggies and other trash in the garbage, my husband did nothing but talk about what a crazy phys co B@#$% I was for going through the trash, and calling me disgusting. Telling me and insisting that what I found wasn't really there. ... how much can you argue with that? You just go in cricles and circles fighting, and it never gets anywhere.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Murrieta, CA
Posts: 2
I don't know your whole situation and marriage relationship, and the depth of his addiction, but I would say get out. Support your husband if he wants to get help.... but don't keep yourself in this position.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 71
I have been married for 25 years to a man that bounces from alcohol to pills and back again. Lying, twisting words, hateful talk, manipulation, etc is the norm. Good luck, Stay here and you will see you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
to SR Chasingamazing!SR is a wonderful place ... SR members saved me from insanity!
The best advice I can give you is to read, read, read.... read as much as you can.... the stickies at the top are so very helpful.
Before I joined SR I lurked for a few months. I saw myself in others stories and began learning... so much to learn... but YOU can learn...
I am recently divorced. My exah was an alcoholic and addict... he would switch his addictions by the day or hour... I never knew just exactly what was up... one thing is for certain... if you're having weird feelings.... it's not because you're weird... it's because strange things are happening and stories don't match up.
My greatest sense of discontent was to finally understand that there was absolutely nothing.... nothing I could do to change him.... any changes that happened... were because I changed.
I had to accept that I didn't cause it, couldn't cure it and certainly couldn't control it. I had to learn to let it go.
Come as often, post and say what you need to say... SR is always open.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Addicts lie. They have to in order to keep their addiction going.
You know what's going on, you don't need him to confirm it. He can't, because if he did than he would have to face it. And if he was ready to face it, he wouldn't need you to make him do it.
Ways that helped me to reach some peace of my mind, and stop feeling I'm going crazy:
I stopped checking up on him, stopped asking him questions that I hoped are going to make him realize, come clean and heal. Unfortunatelly it doesn't work that way, you can't make him see anything he doesn't want to see. There is no reasoning with an addict. Addiction is stronger than any reason and logic.
In my opinion all you can do is think about yourself, and see what can you do for yourself, ... I know it's hard to watch your loved one ruining his life and not be able to do anything about it, I struggled with it myself for such a long time, so my honest advice here is: trust your own gut, try to avoid the trap of needing him to validate it for you, as doing it makes it so, so much harder for you, it blures your vision and makes you question yourself, makes you loose yourself and every new step down that road makes it harder to come back.
You know what's going on, you don't need him to confirm it. He can't, because if he did than he would have to face it. And if he was ready to face it, he wouldn't need you to make him do it.
Ways that helped me to reach some peace of my mind, and stop feeling I'm going crazy:
I stopped checking up on him, stopped asking him questions that I hoped are going to make him realize, come clean and heal. Unfortunatelly it doesn't work that way, you can't make him see anything he doesn't want to see. There is no reasoning with an addict. Addiction is stronger than any reason and logic.
In my opinion all you can do is think about yourself, and see what can you do for yourself, ... I know it's hard to watch your loved one ruining his life and not be able to do anything about it, I struggled with it myself for such a long time, so my honest advice here is: trust your own gut, try to avoid the trap of needing him to validate it for you, as doing it makes it so, so much harder for you, it blures your vision and makes you question yourself, makes you loose yourself and every new step down that road makes it harder to come back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: NORTH CAROLINA
Posts: 74
hi, welcome to the forum....wow, that kind of sounds a little like my using days of pills. excepts in the end i didn't use alcohol just pills and more pills, but i would hide them and dare my girls to go near my pocket book. i would lie to my husband when he went through my purse and I couldn't believe he would do such a thing! The lies were ridiculous and it's a full time job too! It made married life so crazy plus throw 3 little ones in the mix and everything is all to hell. Anyway, I hope you have the courage to face him. My husband did and although he asked me before about my using , this time it was different. I knew I needed help desparately and would do anything as long as to get it. 98 days later still sober and grateful for a second chance pill free!
Hugs((
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Hugs((
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