sydney

Hi there;
My name is Tracy and I am brand new to this site. I need some advice.
My husband is a recovering alcoholic, he had been sober since November 2001. I began school this fall, and have to live away from him for three days a week. We're a month into the semester and I'm sure that he is drinking again.
The day I left for school, I happened (on my way out of town) to see him at the Beer Store. Wow! That threw me for a loop, so now i know that I'm hyper-sensitive to any of his old drinking habits.
I also know that when we've talked on the phone that he has had some alcohol. He lies and tells me that he is not using again, but he is. This is also the first time that he has lied to me about his use.
A note of interest, he does not go to AA and does not speak to his sponser. He has had one other relapse about six or eight months ago. It was a one-time-deal.
i really think that this is getting out of control, and I don't know what to do. So if anyone has any ideas or advice, please let me know.
I also know that i cannot control his behaviour, but i'm terrified.
Worried,
Tracy

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matters

Welcome Tracy!

I know how hard it is when they have been sober and then slip back into the horror of drinking. My husband has never gone that long without drinking but even after 8 days sober and to see him start again was very hard for me. I had such hope and then...... I felt sadness again. Coming here has given me strength! I read the daily Alanon posts by Debbiebarb. They are very helpful! Remember to take care of YOURSELF!!!!!!!

hugs and prayers,
matters

Gabe

There were several times that I was lulled into a false sense of security when my ex would go through long periods of sobriety. It is always a disappointment when they go back to what got them into trouble in the first place.
IMO, it's a fact that practicing alcoholics lie. They lie to themselves and they lie to others. Especially when they are in denial about the magnitude of their problem. And when they are drinking, they are in denial.
My ex would go back to drinking because he "thought he could handle it now". I remember yelling at him one time and telling him that he was an alcoholic. today, tomorrow and always. I told him that a person doesn't "graduate" from this disease and magically become able to drink like people who aren't alcoholics. Naturally, he didn't listen.
Your husband is going to have to find his own way. He is going to have to have his own awakening about what is going on in his life. Meanwhile, you need to take care of you. Do whatever it takes to maintain your sanity and serenity.
This is a great place to come for experience, strength and hope. Welcome to the board, I hope you stick around.
Peace,
Gabe

sydney

Thanks so much guys, it just helps to know that other people are or have experienced the same thing.
I do need to take care of me, I can only be responsible for me and my decisions. Does that mean that I can tell A that I cannot and will not go through this with him again?
confused.
Tracy

journeygal

Hi Tracy,

If you don't feel you can go down this road again with your A, then don't feel bad for wanting to get off the bus. It's not mean or wrong or unkind to put yourself first. We do ourselves a huge disservice by putting someone else's life and welfare before our own.

Take care,
JG

jojo

Tracy -

If you tell him that you won't go through this again, make sure that you are ready to back up your threat because if you don't it will just be an empty threat with no consequences and he will learn that you don't mean what you say. If you are sure that you are ready to do it and that is what you want, by all means set that boundary with him - but you need to stick with it.

Remember that you don't have to do anything today. Give this some serious thought and try and figure out what you will do and how you will do it - you need a game plan so that if/when the time comes you will be more ready to deal with it.

Take care of yourself and keep coming back.

Hugs, Jo

sydney

Again guys, thanks.
I told him today. I let him know that I will not be with him if he decides to continue going down this raod.
Jo, you're right. i will back this up, no empty promises here. Maybe that's what scares me the most. I can't imagine life without him, but i can't imagine life with him as a using A again.
So, it's out there, and up to him. I can only control the decisions that i make.
here's to waiting.....

This is a great place to put thougths out there and get some feedback from those who have been there. I really appreciate it.
Tracy