Don't know what to do!!!

Old 10-02-2003, 05:36 PM
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Don't know what to do!!!

My wife is a recovering alcoholic (at least I think)

Just about a year ago I found out that my wife had been drinking behind my back when I went to sleep at night. Well she went to one detox and it just introduced herself to other drinkers and drug addicts. After a week of detox she went and lived with other addicts. About 2 weeks later she begged me to take her back and I did. About 2 weeks after that she drank again while I was at work and took a bunch of pills, She was in ICU for 3 days on a breathing machine, I stayed by her side and as soon as she got out of the hospital she went to another detox program-not a week later she was telling me she didn't want me and she went back to the other addicts and stayed. about 2 weeks later I took her back and she was staying clean on her own so I thought--she just went from alcohol to perscribed pills. About 3 months later she relapsed and I had her thrown in jail for hitting me--well she became clean again after that..not 3 more months later she drank again and she went to jail again, I took her back. Yes I know I was probably dumb to take her back after all that had happened. Each time I really thought she was getting better. We have 3 boys together and I thought I loved her.

Well 3 months ago I got promoted to a different town and she had been clean for about 4 months, I thought by going to another place-just her and I and our 3 boys we could start a new life together. 2 months after living here she drank again and i had her thrown in jail for hitting me again--My kids are back staying with my parents, because I didn't know anyone being new to the town--I took her back, and she started going to a real good counceling center, I really thought it was working. my problem is that I am constantly searching for pills and alcohol, There is not a day that goes by that i think she is doing something, Today I found some pills that she hid from me and I don't know what to do? Any advice would help. Thank You
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Old 10-02-2003, 06:01 PM
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highly confused,
You really should get to some Al Anon meetings. You're obsessed with her behavior and are spending all your time watching her, searching for evidence that she's using. It doesn't matter.....if she wants to use, she will use. It sounds like you really love her and want to keep your family together. You need to realize, though, that she is not going to quit until she hits her own bottom and decides she's done. History tells her she can do what she wants and still come back to you. Until she reaches her bottom there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her. Its so hard to accept that and sometimes many of us never do. But for your own sanity and the future of your boys you need to seek some help for yourself. You'll learn in time that sometimes you have to let them fall and pick up the pieces on their own. That's the hardest part of dealing with an addict I think because we hurt for them and so want them back to the way they used to be. They also have meetings for kids if your boys are struggling with this. Your boys need their father so do some nice things just you and them. You're in my prayers....
paige
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Old 10-02-2003, 06:19 PM
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I for some reason don't feel that I would be comfotable at a meeting. I think she has hit her bottom of the drinking when she put my youngest son in a bear hug while she was drinking. What gets me is the lies and the hiding stuff from me---the pills I found today were for depression---It's the fact that she hides them from me---I would not be upset if she would do it in front of my face-Its just the fact of doing it behind my back..Can trust be earned back here-I am really stuck on what to do.

My boys seem to be doing pretty good--they know that we love them and they arent any part of this--I miss my kids-I see them every weekend, but i feel letting them stay there is the best thing for now.
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Old 10-02-2003, 06:38 PM
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Highly Confused -

If your kids are having to live with someone else, they are part of this. You have sent them away to protect them and no one can blame you for wanting to keep them safe. The hardest part of living with an addict is having to watch them detroy themselves and not letting them take you down with them. If you don't find a way to keep yourself sane, who will be there for your kids?

If you don't feel comfortable attending an Alanon meeting ( and they really are alot more comfortable than you can imagine) try doing some reading from the books listed at the top of this site. You might be amazed at the help available. You can only help yourself and your kids. Your wife has to decide to help herself. I will say a prayer for all of you. Keep coming back. We all care and all know how you feel.

Hugs, Jo
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Old 10-02-2003, 07:17 PM
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I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I can see that you are trying to do the right things - especially since kids are involved.

I'm not an expert, but I think some Al-Anon meetings would do you good. I think you will get an idea that there is not much you can do to help her. She has to help herself. At the same time I think the meetings will help you regain your sanity.

Best Wishes to you.

Marianne
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Old 10-03-2003, 06:28 AM
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Highly Confused~
I understand the pain you are in and the dilemma...but you need to know that you can not cure her no matter how hard you want to. It needs to come within. I think that perhaps for a man, it might be harder to go to a meeting for the first time and say out loud what you are feeling and I certainly understand that. Please keep coming back here and hopefully you will begin to feel comfortable enough to go to a meeting. Meetings really help you to see that there are thousands of others dealing with similar situations. Take care of you...for your sanity and your sons! Please, do yourself one other favor...stop looking for her pills/stash/whatever....she'll find new spots and it'll only drive you crazier!!! If you can, Melody Beattie writes some great books on Co-dependancy ...start reading those. I KNEW I wasn't an enabler and that it was HIS problem, until I read the books and really opened my eyes and saw how I contributed to the problems in my household! You can't control her, but you can control you. You can't change her, but you can change you...and no, it's not easy. Take it day by day...even hour by hour....

Keep coming back..people here care!

sped teach
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Old 10-03-2003, 12:25 PM
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Highly Confused WELCOME,

Please reconsider going to Al-Anon.....The program can give you the support and tools you're going to need if you continue to live with the FAMILY DISEASE of ALCOHOLISM. It not only distorys people but relationships as well....
PLUS your boys deserve atleast one healthy parent.....

My home group has one man in it and his presentence lets the rest of us see things from a total new point of view....so you would be giving to the group as well...

Please follow the suggestions others on this post have made...You are only alone if you choose to be....in the meantime;

Love and prayers from one who cares,
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Old 10-04-2003, 05:53 PM
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highly confused
the only thing that i can say is that my thoughts are with you, take care of yourself.
And, it's never ok for anyone to assualt anyone, man or not.
Be true to yourself,
Tracy
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