NYC_Chick

I was discussing something I had thought about with xabf with my therapist my last session. We talked about all the lies and his drinking. I told her there were still parts of me that were baffled that he, or any alcoholic, would lie about drinking or anything else under the sun. I then told her about some recent events were I was lied to and that I was upset about it. She told me that I was lied to because I invited these people to lie to me. I asked how. She told me that when I asked xabf if he had drank, despite the fact that I could smell it on his breath, I was inviting him to lie to me because he knew if he said yes I would have been upset. I put him in a no-win situation and set myself up for more pain. More chaos for my own life.

As a recovering codie, I thought this was interesting. It made me wonder how much chaos he actually created and how much I actually created by staying and continually handing him invitations to lie to me.

I thought it was interesting, so I thought I would share : )

Still Waters

Kinda brings us back to "How do you know when an alcoholic is lying?...." doesn't it?

Serenebynow

Kinda like how do you know a codependant is manipulting...?

wicked

Oh boy, I remember that feeling. I was so busy blaming him (i stopped drinking and he didn't!), I couldn't see how much I was feeding the chaos machine by inviting the lies, so I could be the martyr. <shudder> Not my proudest moments for sure.
I did eventually learn to ask myself "what am i contributing here?"
by taking responsibility for my own chaos contribution, i was able to avoid so much of it.
Thank you for this timely reminder NYC_Chick

Pelican

Thanks for this reminder!

I am catching myself now - asking questions I know the answer to and expecting truth from someone who will choose lying before truth everytime. Then I get frustrated. I could save myself a lot of frustrations by not asking questions I know the answers to already.

Thumper

So true. Interestingly, parenting books say the same thing.

Still Waters

This question should be in relationship manuals: Does your love interest choose lying when telling the truth would serve them better?

If so, don't bother asking them questions you know they'll lie about.

If only we all had a manual.

ItsmeAlice

NYC Chick - this brings me back to when I started investigating my role in my dysfunctional relationship with my XABF.

I had a lot of 'chicken and the egg' questions and posed some of them here. I wondered which came first...The alcoholic or the codependent. Did I take an alcoholic hostage in my codependent ways or did the alcoholic seek out the enabler in me.

I'm still taking my own inventory, and I learn something new everyday.

Alice

coyote21

I've said for years that living with an 8yo is a lot like living with an alcoholic. Ha!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote