BuffaloGal

My aexh and his gf have been living together for a couple of years. Recently my daughter asked me if I minded if she called the gf her stepmom. She said it was simpler than saying "my dad's girlfriend." (This came up after my child received a Valentine's day card from her dad's gf addressed to Dear Stepdaughter.)

I said that if that was [the girlfriend's name]'s choice, that was okay. I added... but I would not call myself anyone's stepmother unless I was married to the child's father, and no matter what term she uses, "dad's girlfriend" is what she is, unless they get married.

My ex has made it clear to me that he does not intend to tie the knot with her... and I know she really, really wants to with him. However, by now, they're probably common law spouses anyway.

Have standards about the use of the term "stepparent" changed when I wasn't looking?

My daughter is going to have to sort out her responses to her dad's life on her own... but I don't want her to think that relationships can be wished true, that saying "stepmother" or "stepfather" makes the person one. My experience is, living together does not equal marriage, even if it's long term. But that's my take. Am I just being too nitpicky?

LaTeeDa

Personally, I prefer names to labels. Why not just call her Carol? (or whatever her name is) My kids call my bf by his first name and both he and they prefer it that way. Even I feel uncomfortable calling him "my boyfriend." I'm too damn old to have a "boyfriend," lol.

L

velma929

I like names, too, for a variety of reasons.

One of my friends was in his late twenties when his widowed mother remarried. He said it seemed odd to refer to his Mom's spouse a "stepfather" when the man hadn't had anything to do with raising him.

Only a handful of states recognize common law marriage: it isn't as simple as living together. There are several requirements to meet the standard.

Common Law Marriage Fact Sheet

Learn2Live

I think it depends on how old your daughter is. I don't see how it could harm her, if she is old enough to understand what these terms mean. I have had several BFs with children and I loved and cared for them all in my heart equally. I helped raise these children: bathed them, cooked for them, tucked them in bed, just the same as any "legal" parent. I am still in touch with one or two of them and they are now adults. So, I think it depends on the person. Does she have a good heart? She is likely as codependent as we are (and in fact may as well BE one of us on SR). I wouldn't deny her a sense of belonging or togetherness with your child as long as the child is mot being harmed.

Ceres

I agree depends on her age. A seven year old - I wouldn't. A 12 or 13 year old, I'd probably tell her whatever they agree on. It's their issue.

transformyself

This is all about your boundaries. They are valid and true.

For me, I call certian Elders "uncle" when there is no blood relationship. It's a term of respect. My 25 year old sons girlfriend of 6 years calls me Momma. I have different boundaries than you do, and that's perfectly ok.

You've got lots of answers here. Who do you turn to? The state? Clergy? Your parents? How do you determine what is right and just for you? Whoever you turn to, it's your house and you determine the guidelines. The morals. That's part of the beauty of raising children; we pass on our ideals to them.

Whatever is inside of you is right. You're full of wisdom.

Hugs, though. This stuff with our kids is really tough, especially when there are "step parents" involved.

kv816

I personally don't believe that you can stop it either way and by telling her no, she can't call her stepmom, you might be creating an uncomfortable area for her.

When my parents married, I called my (step) dad by his first name. But after awhile dad often "slipped" out. It's almost like it came without thought--I had a mom and with mom was dad. My mom came to us one night and said we either need to call him dad or his name but bouncing between the two really hurt him. I started calling him dad.

I told my real dad this (whom I did not have much contact with--once in a blue moon) but he said no, I don't want you to call him dad because I am your dad not him. So at home he was dad, with my dad he was mom's new husband. It was very confusing for me (I was just a child--maybe 8 or 9).

My kids called xabf by his first name but accepted him as their dad. Often times they'd write him a letter and address it to "daddy (name)"

They have a friend down the street. If they aren't all here, they are all there. My kids call their friends' mom "momma (name)".

The fact is these people are doing and playing a role that a mom or dad would play and I should be ecstatic that there is a comfort level there for them to accept that these people provide the love, care and support that a mom or dad provides. I know my place with them and I don't feel at any time like my role as their mom is in jeopardy or at threat to be taken away by these other people.

As for my step dad.....I will be changing my name this year to his last name. He is my dad, and as an adult I now understand completely. He didn't just play the role, he became and is the role. He is my dad.

Insulated

Remember that the girlfriend is going to go out of her way to romance the child in order to earn brownie points with her father. My kids call my 10yr+ exhusbands live in girlfriend by her first name and have for 10 years. It was their decision to do so and it works in the family dynamic for all involved.

coffeedrinker

I think your daughter is respecting you by asking your opinion. Could she also be caretaking you a little? It is clear that this is a thorn in your side. I try to keep a balance with my kids between letting them know how I feel about issues of morality, religion, etc, but also give them the freedom to decide for themselves. I think your daughter knows how you feel about living with each other outside of marriage, but is it a moot point at this point in time?

catlovermi

My first thought was: Should the daughter be encouraged to seek approval from the mother about what she decides to call the father's girlfriend?

I think this is the larger issue.

The courtesy of asking the mother should be noted and appreciated from the mother to the daughter ("Thank you for thinking of my feelings, but I know I will always be your mother and what you decide about your dad's partner isn't mine to decide."), but then the daughter should not be made to feel she needs approval for her decision in this type of decision.

CLMI

JenT1968

Is it that they are not married that is bothering you about the label "step-mom" or do you think it elevates her to a level of importance in your daughter's life that is unwaranted or that you are uncomfortable with?

If my child were happy with the appelation, I wouldn't mind who they called what really, but I understand we are all different, I only reserve 2 names: "mum" and "dad", and only in our situation because we are both present and involved, and actually even if my child decided that they wanted to call me by my christian name and someone else mum, I would be hurt, and would have to spend some time working through that, but I would have to let that go because my issues are not theirs and their relationships with other safe adults are not mine and I want them to be free to explore and build them, with me as a safety net and sounding board but along their own path.

JenT1968

I think you handled it brilliantly by the way, but I don't imagine she has the same view of what STEPmother means, nor do I think from the GF's POV
this is about whether your ex's GF wishes to marry him, or whether he will or about trying to pretend that they are.... it's an expression of her feelings towards your daughter, of a bond of love and care.

Different situation to yours, but underlines my view on marriage and long-term relationships in this context. My brother and his girlfriend have been together for 14 years, 4 years longer than I have been with the man I am now divorcing. Their partnership is bursting with love and joy, (and arguments and trials, it's human). I cannot see how their commitment is less than mine was. They have 2 children, one biologically both of theirs, the other is her child from her first (and only) marriage, which had been disolved years before they met, when the boy was 6. His biological father, despite repeated and ongoing attempts by his mother, has no interest in even meeting the lad, and hasn't for more than 17 years. My nephew calls my brother dad, and he calls him son, clearly this differs from your situation because you are not an absent parent, and there is no Mum shaped hole in your daughters life.

but this woman is a part of her life, of far less weight than her primary relationships with you and her dad, but still important.