Love926

Let me first start off by saying how glad I am that I found this website. I can already tell the people on here are going to be a wealth of help to me. I have recently come to the point of disparity with my (now ex) fiance and was hoping to find something exactly like this so I am extremely grateful for all the helpful post and any advice that is given to me.

I posted a blog explaining my issue and got a response on it to come here and I am so glad that I did. Let me re-state my issue...

My fiance and I were together for 3.5 years, we were suppose to be married this Aug. and we have a beautiful 2 year old son together. My fiance is a recovering alcoholic. He was sober for 2 years after our son was born. About 2 months ago he thought that since so much had changed in his life he could handle having a drink or two with out losing it. I, not knowing much about the alcoholics mind set, agreed that we could try this since indeed many changes had taken place since his heavy drinking days. I really believe that my fiance thought he could handle this. But needless to say this wasnt the case. The second time he tried drinking things got completely out of hand which lead to our separation. My thoughts being that if I removed myself and our son from his life for a while(only seeing his son on the weekends) he would see what it was like to be with out us and would straighten up for sure. But that simply wasn't the case it just made things worse. Once his "higher power" as he calls myself and his son, were gone he just lost it. He had already had that first drink and once we were gone it was all down hill for him. After about a month I thought things were going ok and we were trying to work things out but then I found out he has been drinking for the past month and a half and not telling me of fear that he would lose us forever. He is currently getting help and trying to get a fresh start on things. I know he is capable of getting things together because he was sober for two years and the only reason why he even tried to drink again was because he honestly thought he could handle it. He obviously knows now that no matter what changes happen in his life he can't pick up a single drink. I'm hoping that since he has come to this understanding on his disease that he will have a better hold on it.

I guess I'm just to the point where I'm clueless on what to do. I don't understand how alcoholics work(which is why I am here to get a better understanding). I was that person that thought I could say the right thing and do the right thing and be the right thing and it would change him. But now after reading many posts on here I'm starting to understand how that just isn't the case. My ex is not a bad person by any means he is a very loving and caring person. I want more then anything to help him. I don't want to just walk out on him and leave him with his issues but I also feel like things are completely out of my hands. I have a 2 year old son I need to think about(although he has never been abusive to our son or to me) and the out come of my whole life.

I'm not sure what type of answers or advice I am looking for I guess. Maybe some good success stories on people who stood by there significant other while they were recovering and had good luck with it. Or even bad luck...and wish they never did it. I guess I just feel like my ex is capable of pulling it together because he has done it before. Even when his father passed away back in Nov. he didnt pick up a drink because he said he had us there to help him through it. In fact he never really wanted to drink at all while we lived together. It wasn't until he thought that he could handle it and tried to drink, couldn't handle it, then lost us that he started having cravings for it. So I guess I just can't help but think if he had never tried again after 2 years of being sober that all of this never would have happened and I guess I'm hoping that he will keep it together this time around since he now knows that no matter how long he has been sober or what big changes have happened in his life that he can't take a single sip. I just don't know what to do anymore...and that's why I am here.

nodaybut2day

Hi Love...and WELCOME TO SR!! This is a wonderful place full of supportive and humourous people. I'm glad you found us.

First off, let me start by posting the 3 C's of alcoholism, in case you don't know them already:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

As much as you feel bad about the fateful drink two months ago, none of it is your fault. Your XAF (ex alcoholic fiancé) made a choice and he's now dealing with the consequences of his choice. If he was recovering, then it would stand to reason that he would have a sponsor to help support him in his journey...anyhow, I won't get into that because I'm not the most knowledgeable on the issue. I'm sure others will be along shortly to discuss this part.

As for the choice you made, I applaud you. I am also a mother of an almost 2 year old toddler and I chose to leave my alcoholic partner last year. I understand the need to protect your child, *even if* your XAF was never abusive towards him or you. Living with an alcoholic is destructive enough.

Considering the 3 C's posted above, my gentle advice would be for you to step back and let your XAF find recovery, if he does. You cannot "make him" hit rock bottom, and you cannot "make him" decide to recover by removing yourself from his life. Whatever he decides, he will do it himself.

You have a lovely little boy to focus on as well as the most important in the world: YOU!

Have you considered attending Al-Anon to get the support you need to get through this difficult time?

Keep posting as much as you like. That's what SR is here for!

freefalling

Dear Love

You say you do not know a lot about alcoholism - well here you will learn a lot. Firstly I want to add that when alcoholics relapse ,they apparently go back very quickly to where they were before they stopped drinking. It does not take long to get there.

You must see this not as a time to make him see what he has lost - you will set yourself up for heartache. He will not stop for anything or anybody ,but himself. See this as a time that you protect yourself and your baby against the devastating effects of alcoholism. And for that I applaud you.

If and/or when you decide to go back at a certain stage - please make sure not to make hasty decisions.There is no hurry.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family, Love!

You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. We are open 24/7.

Educating myself about alcoholism has helped me to understand how a person becomes addicted physically and mentally to alcohol. The book that helped me understand alcoholism is "Under the Influence" and there is a link on this forum with excerpts from the book. Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.

Christen

Let me first start off by saying how glad I am that I found this website. I can already tell the people on here are going to be a wealth of help to me. I have recently come to the point of disparity with my (now ex) fiance and was hoping to find something exactly like this so I am extremely grateful for all the helpful post and any advice that is given to me.

I posted a blog explaining my issue and got a response on it to come here and I am so glad that I did. Let me re-state my issue...

My fiance and I were together for 3.5 years, we were suppose to be married this Aug. and we have a beautiful 2 year old son together. My fiance is a recovering alcoholic. He was sober for 2 years after our son was born. About 2 months ago he thought that since so much had changed in his life he could handle having a drink or two with out losing it. I, not knowing much about the alcoholics mind set, agreed that we could try this since indeed many changes had taken place since his heavy drinking days. I really believe that my fiance thought he could handle this. But needless to say this wasnt the case. The second time he tried drinking things got completely out of hand which lead to our separation. My thoughts being that if I removed myself and our son from his life for a while(only seeing his son on the weekends) he would see what it was like to be with out us and would straighten up for sure. But that simply wasn't the case it just made things worse. Once his "higher power" as he calls myself and his son, were gone he just lost it. He had already had that first drink and once we were gone it was all down hill for him. After about a month I thought things were going ok and we were trying to work things out but then I found out he has been drinking for the past month and a half and not telling me of fear that he would lose us forever. He is currently getting help and trying to get a fresh start on things. I know he is capable of getting things together because he was sober for two years and the only reason why he even tried to drink again was because he honestly thought he could handle it. He obviously knows now that no matter what changes happen in his life he can't pick up a single drink. I'm hoping that since he has come to this understanding on his disease that he will have a better hold on it.

I guess I'm just to the point where I'm clueless on what to do. I don't understand how alcoholics work(which is why I am here to get a better understanding). I was that person that thought I could say the right thing and do the right thing and be the right thing and it would change him. But now after reading many posts on here I'm starting to understand how that just isn't the case. My ex is not a bad person by any means he is a very loving and caring person. I want more then anything to help him. I don't want to just walk out on him and leave him with his issues but I also feel like things are completely out of my hands. I have a 2 year old son I need to think about(although he has never been abusive to our son or to me) and the out come of my whole life.

I'm not sure what type of answers or advice I am looking for I guess. Maybe some good success stories on people who stood by there significant other while they were recovering and had good luck with it. Or even bad luck...and wish they never did it. I guess I just feel like my ex is capable of pulling it together because he has done it before. Even when his father passed away back in Nov. he didnt pick up a drink because he said he had us there to help him through it. In fact he never really wanted to drink at all while we lived together. It wasn't until he thought that he could handle it and tried to drink, couldn't handle it, then lost us that he started having cravings for it. So I guess I just can't help but think if he had never tried again after 2 years of being sober that all of this never would have happened and I guess I'm hoping that he will keep it together this time around since he now knows that no matter how long he has been sober or what big changes have happened in his life that he can't take a single sip. I just don't know what to do anymore...and that's why I am here.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Love926;2554698]

Dear Love 926,

My name is Christen. My husband is addicted to pain pills. We have been married 2 years. We met in kindergarten, & have known each other our entire lives. I always say- I married exactly the right man, he just happens to be an addict.

I can't say that I have a success story for you. Our life is very difficult. But what I would like to give you is some practical advice that I wish someone would have told me before I got married.

1. You can't change him. You can't control him.

2. Personally I don't believe in divorce. So if you marry him, remember this. By saying "I do" with an alcoholic/addict, you are agreeing to stand by him FOREVER. I believe when you marry him you accept who they are as a person, including the fact that they are an alcoholic or addict.

3. Most importantly----- ask yourself this- can I handle this for the rest of my life? This question isn't about love or him, it's about you. Are you strong enough to deal with relapses, money problems, rehab, arrests, job losses, LIES, and on & on & on. Can you handle it?

I hope these help you. I'm not trying to be negative. I'm just telling you the truth. My heart goes out to you. I'm just trying to tell you that it takes a really tough woman to be with an alcoholic/addict. It's kind of like being a mother to them and not a wife or girl friend.

One more thing I'd like to warn you about. You can help your man, but don't neglect yourself. You must take care of your self, especially since you have a kid. I have let my hubby's addiction break me. Have you ever had your heart broken so bad that it makes you sick? You have to know where to draw the line. You must take care of yourself.

Don't Give Up,

Christen

Love926

Thanks you so much for all of the helpful responses. So I guess I will just take this one day at a time...be there for him but not be with him in a relationship at this point. Most of the time I feel like being with him and dealing with the issues would be easier then being with out him. But I know he has to do this on his own with support from others. So I guess I will just let him know I support him but also keep a safe distance as he works on killing his own demons himself. I'm so glad I found this website. It feels so good to talk to people who understand and have helpful educated answers to provide based on experience. I have tried to talk to friends and all they say is if he really cared he wouldn't do this. But I think with alcoholics it takes more then that. If all it took was someone to care about then we wouldn't have alcoholics in the world because everyone cares about someone or something. I will definitely be posting on here on and off when I need support. It's good to have a point of view from someone who isn't personally attached to the situation. Every time I try to talk to a friend they just say "oh my god what a selfish *******" because they care about me and don't want to see me get hurt. It's nice to be some place where I can say anything and not get judged or have my ex judged for his actions and for that I thank you guys.

FindingPeace1

My danger bells went off with the fact that he calls you his HP. No one can be an HP for another. If he is depending on you for guidance or to save him - neither of you can thrive. Does it feel good to be needed that way?
Have you read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More?
Hugs,
w