What Do You Make of This?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi Mary,
Sorry I wasn't here yesterday to respond more quickly.
Yes, I have been through this many times. I know my husband and I love each other and want to be together. I also have learned that he has a problem in learning how to live life without alcohol and I have a problem learning how to live my life without someone to take care of.
I am not sure if all his words are just words, or if he really means them. I am sure that he wants to mean itbut making actual change requires hard work. Have you ever worked really hard at changing some longstanding problem in your life? I have done two things really big in my life and I know how long it took me to get to that point and how hard it was to follow through. And when I did, I didn't tell anyone what I was doing - I just did it - and I didn't need anyone to notice - I noticed and all the reinforcement I needed -was me seeing that I was doing it.
I feel most days that I am right with you. I want things to work out. That relief others feel here - I don't get it either. Glad you said something b/c I have been trying to explain this to others. But when I am reminded that we are apart for one reason - I am reminded that we all have choices. He could choose to work things out with all his heart, soul and mind or he can stay away. He is obviously choosing to stay away and that should tell me something. It does not matter if it is what he wants or not -it is what he is doing. No judgements, a lot of hurt, not the one I want, but it is his life. My choice is in deciding what I will do.
And when I think about the relief part of earlier change process? It came little by little over time as I made progress and saw the results for me. Exercise your choices
Sorry I wasn't here yesterday to respond more quickly.
Yes, I have been through this many times. I know my husband and I love each other and want to be together. I also have learned that he has a problem in learning how to live life without alcohol and I have a problem learning how to live my life without someone to take care of.
I am not sure if all his words are just words, or if he really means them. I am sure that he wants to mean itbut making actual change requires hard work. Have you ever worked really hard at changing some longstanding problem in your life? I have done two things really big in my life and I know how long it took me to get to that point and how hard it was to follow through. And when I did, I didn't tell anyone what I was doing - I just did it - and I didn't need anyone to notice - I noticed and all the reinforcement I needed -was me seeing that I was doing it.
I feel most days that I am right with you. I want things to work out. That relief others feel here - I don't get it either. Glad you said something b/c I have been trying to explain this to others. But when I am reminded that we are apart for one reason - I am reminded that we all have choices. He could choose to work things out with all his heart, soul and mind or he can stay away. He is obviously choosing to stay away and that should tell me something. It does not matter if it is what he wants or not -it is what he is doing. No judgements, a lot of hurt, not the one I want, but it is his life. My choice is in deciding what I will do.
And when I think about the relief part of earlier change process? It came little by little over time as I made progress and saw the results for me. Exercise your choices
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Kassie, I relate so much to your post. Loving each other, wanting to live a healthier life and one free from drugs. But God doesn't wave a magic wand even when they do put down the d.o.c. My ABF was afraid of losing me, plus he wanted to be clean and sober - for life, not just til he couldn't take it anymore. But some of the old behaviors are still present, and what I'm experiencing is that as I continue to become more healthy, even though he may be making progress, we are still at different "levels" of function, or mental health. My hope that he would "catch up" doesn't seem to be working because I have not stayed stagnant.
Mary, it's not enough, as you know. Even if right this second he wants sobriety, there is much more than needs happen, and that takes time.
I know all too well the feeling of wasted time waiting for someone who may or may not ever get there. Go live your life!!
Mary, it's not enough, as you know. Even if right this second he wants sobriety, there is much more than needs happen, and that takes time.
I know all too well the feeling of wasted time waiting for someone who may or may not ever get there. Go live your life!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Hi and so sorry you are going through this. I can relate.
I can only tell you for my situation, after his two failed rehab attempts and all the lying..that drove me deeper into to viscous cycle. I would get hope and then be let down and that made me spiral out of control. Had I had more Alanon under my belt..I would have walked away after the first time and told him to call me when he was sober for a year and saved myself a lot of misery and pain. I hurt no one but myself by not detaching.
I am Catholic so the thought of divorce really made me cringe..but I am over that. I have talked to the church and to priests and I have options. Even though I have filed for divorce a small part of me loves the dream we had.
I try to remind myself this is a sickness. But its treatable and my STXAH just wont stick to AA mtgs and footwork. He even told me he only went to rehab and meetings to win me back. My gut wouldnt let me go back and boy am I glad because if we were back together and I uncovered everything I now know, I may have gone for the knife in the kitchen. As usual, he told me all lies. Its so sad as we had it all, or so I thought. We got married and we had everything we could want. But then his disease kicked in full throttle and let me tell you..I am still trying to escape. Stick to your guns...if he ever really gets sober you will feel/see the difference and then make your decision but for now..live you life to the fullest because he may never get sober.
I can only tell you for my situation, after his two failed rehab attempts and all the lying..that drove me deeper into to viscous cycle. I would get hope and then be let down and that made me spiral out of control. Had I had more Alanon under my belt..I would have walked away after the first time and told him to call me when he was sober for a year and saved myself a lot of misery and pain. I hurt no one but myself by not detaching.
I am Catholic so the thought of divorce really made me cringe..but I am over that. I have talked to the church and to priests and I have options. Even though I have filed for divorce a small part of me loves the dream we had.
I try to remind myself this is a sickness. But its treatable and my STXAH just wont stick to AA mtgs and footwork. He even told me he only went to rehab and meetings to win me back. My gut wouldnt let me go back and boy am I glad because if we were back together and I uncovered everything I now know, I may have gone for the knife in the kitchen. As usual, he told me all lies. Its so sad as we had it all, or so I thought. We got married and we had everything we could want. But then his disease kicked in full throttle and let me tell you..I am still trying to escape. Stick to your guns...if he ever really gets sober you will feel/see the difference and then make your decision but for now..live you life to the fullest because he may never get sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
Ahh these replies were so nice to read. Thanks so much guys.
Yeah I am positive he would need lots of work even after he chooses sobriety.
I don't think he's had chance to heal after witnessing his mom get hit by a car @ age 8. So that's a long time to heal from. He basically needs to relearn everything about the way he communicates and copes. So DUH! he's just figured out exactly what I want to hear now. But I immediately saw his actions not matching up and it felt like being baited. So I exploded.
I guess because our relationship never got too serious ( I never let it because of the disease, well neither did he I guess, because he would run away)I wanted it so bad so I can see where we could go. I have kept my distance so carefully and as much as I could because I always knew it would never work, but yet invested so much hope for us. I've never met a creative person I was attracted to and we all know how charming they are to get what they want...
When people say he's no good for you it just pisses me off. And its because they're right. But I KNOW if he could just get help we could. I just know.
However, he hasn't, isn't and may never.
I don't really feel my self-worth is being validated by his choice or not...it's more a deep sadness for a loss. I'm have a very hard time moving on because this is something I believe in so strongly that I simply do not want to accept in the end we won't be together. I waited sadly. I waited patiently. I waited angrily. I waited impatiently. I feel angry and mad at myself for mistakes I have made and I've always been really hard on myself. I know I can't hold out for someone like that and so I'm just all nerves...I'm so tired of giving in that it seems I've become a bitch to nearly everyone around who needs ANYTHING.
He loves me and he's sorry. But that doesn't mean ****. I think he's just now realizing how serious I am and that means the end because in his mind sobriety isn't looking like an option. He's not ready.
I need to really really work hard on recreating my life in the sense of becoming fulfilled by completely removing him as much as I can MENTALLY
and finding myself. I really feel like I need to move or take a trip over seas, but $ is always something I stress over. I just want to be as far away from the campus we share as possible.
Now people ask me, how is K?
And as much as I like the opportunity to vent I really realized how this has taken over my life. Its broken up relationships I've tried to start, caused fights with friends, and made me loose focus on school. I can't imagine being married and having kids. I need to completely redefine.
I realize how my boundaries have been SO WEAK, that I've been like a piņata...going any which way he needs to swing. Bending over backwards not to do anything for him (I never allowed myself to go toooo far), but trying to subtly prove I'm worthy enough to choose sobriety. I KNOW intellectually of my self-worth, so that part is okay. But to realize the lies and the manipulation have just really broken my heart. I need to heal.
This is my time to heal too.
Yeah I am positive he would need lots of work even after he chooses sobriety.
I don't think he's had chance to heal after witnessing his mom get hit by a car @ age 8. So that's a long time to heal from. He basically needs to relearn everything about the way he communicates and copes. So DUH! he's just figured out exactly what I want to hear now. But I immediately saw his actions not matching up and it felt like being baited. So I exploded.
I guess because our relationship never got too serious ( I never let it because of the disease, well neither did he I guess, because he would run away)I wanted it so bad so I can see where we could go. I have kept my distance so carefully and as much as I could because I always knew it would never work, but yet invested so much hope for us. I've never met a creative person I was attracted to and we all know how charming they are to get what they want...
When people say he's no good for you it just pisses me off. And its because they're right. But I KNOW if he could just get help we could. I just know.
However, he hasn't, isn't and may never.
I don't really feel my self-worth is being validated by his choice or not...it's more a deep sadness for a loss. I'm have a very hard time moving on because this is something I believe in so strongly that I simply do not want to accept in the end we won't be together. I waited sadly. I waited patiently. I waited angrily. I waited impatiently. I feel angry and mad at myself for mistakes I have made and I've always been really hard on myself. I know I can't hold out for someone like that and so I'm just all nerves...I'm so tired of giving in that it seems I've become a bitch to nearly everyone around who needs ANYTHING.
He loves me and he's sorry. But that doesn't mean ****. I think he's just now realizing how serious I am and that means the end because in his mind sobriety isn't looking like an option. He's not ready.
I need to really really work hard on recreating my life in the sense of becoming fulfilled by completely removing him as much as I can MENTALLY
and finding myself. I really feel like I need to move or take a trip over seas, but $ is always something I stress over. I just want to be as far away from the campus we share as possible.
Now people ask me, how is K?
And as much as I like the opportunity to vent I really realized how this has taken over my life. Its broken up relationships I've tried to start, caused fights with friends, and made me loose focus on school. I can't imagine being married and having kids. I need to completely redefine.
I realize how my boundaries have been SO WEAK, that I've been like a piņata...going any which way he needs to swing. Bending over backwards not to do anything for him (I never allowed myself to go toooo far), but trying to subtly prove I'm worthy enough to choose sobriety. I KNOW intellectually of my self-worth, so that part is okay. But to realize the lies and the manipulation have just really broken my heart. I need to heal.
This is my time to heal too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi M,
Just another reflection for you.
Your job is to be thinking about you and what you want and need.
He isn't thinking about you, your wants or your needs. He is thinking about himself.
I know that it is an illness, but usually the seriously ill people of the world still worry about how taking care of them can be a burden to us - showing the ability to think about others.
Ponder.
Just another reflection for you.
Your job is to be thinking about you and what you want and need.
He isn't thinking about you, your wants or your needs. He is thinking about himself.
I know that it is an illness, but usually the seriously ill people of the world still worry about how taking care of them can be a burden to us - showing the ability to think about others.
Ponder.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
Kassie..i've been thinking about your post..
But I'm missing something. He's expressed worries about ruining my life before...Is that what you meant?
Yeah I need to focus on myself. Bottom line. That is just so dang hard for me right now. I'm going to to a therapist again. I really liked this woman I had a few years ago, but she moved to Chicago. Hopefully I can find a good one.
Insulated. YOur story always amazes me.
But I'm missing something. He's expressed worries about ruining my life before...Is that what you meant?
Yeah I need to focus on myself. Bottom line. That is just so dang hard for me right now. I'm going to to a therapist again. I really liked this woman I had a few years ago, but she moved to Chicago. Hopefully I can find a good one.
Insulated. YOur story always amazes me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
Yeah I agree.
And it definitely has been one sided in a way. I have to keep reminding myself that what I want he cannot give me right now.
I ran into the other day. He walked into a restaurant I was at and it was like 5:00 and I was having a drink with a friend, talking about the situation a little bit. And there he was. I didn't even see him walk in and take a seat a table near by with classmates. I got up and walked out of that restaurant so fast!
I felt kind of hypocritical. Ah. I hate feeling the feeling of being unresolved, but I guess I've done the best I could and I can live with that. I hate to see the end, but I guess it is. The part that makes me mad is how people can simply say he's no good for you, without even knowing him. But this is something that cannot be. I just really, really wish he would choose sobriety. Cause I miss him and its hard to turn you back on someone you love. So hard.
I try and tell myself that all of this was just to learn a lesson, but I really just wanted to live out my life with this person in it. I can only pray for his strength and mine to have the courage to stick to my convictions, regardless of his thoughts or feelings about me.
Ah. Here's hoping time will continue to do her job...
And it definitely has been one sided in a way. I have to keep reminding myself that what I want he cannot give me right now.
I ran into the other day. He walked into a restaurant I was at and it was like 5:00 and I was having a drink with a friend, talking about the situation a little bit. And there he was. I didn't even see him walk in and take a seat a table near by with classmates. I got up and walked out of that restaurant so fast!
I felt kind of hypocritical. Ah. I hate feeling the feeling of being unresolved, but I guess I've done the best I could and I can live with that. I hate to see the end, but I guess it is. The part that makes me mad is how people can simply say he's no good for you, without even knowing him. But this is something that cannot be. I just really, really wish he would choose sobriety. Cause I miss him and its hard to turn you back on someone you love. So hard.
I try and tell myself that all of this was just to learn a lesson, but I really just wanted to live out my life with this person in it. I can only pray for his strength and mine to have the courage to stick to my convictions, regardless of his thoughts or feelings about me.
Ah. Here's hoping time will continue to do her job...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi ,mary
I have two things to add. The first is the truth that he can't be there right now. The second is nothing gets resolved with an A while drinking. In those situations, make your own resolution.
And one more thing - don't worry about what others think. Others just want us to be happy and not hurting.
I have two things to add. The first is the truth that he can't be there right now. The second is nothing gets resolved with an A while drinking. In those situations, make your own resolution.
And one more thing - don't worry about what others think. Others just want us to be happy and not hurting.
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