What Do You Make of This?
 

Backstory:
As I was trying to maintain my NC with XABF, he contacted me and after about three weeks he contacted me with "<3" So I didn't respond..thought it out and wrote to him how much I cared, explained my actions that needed explaining (things ways in the past we never talked about), and told him to get help or never see me again. He tried to bend me, but I wouldn't..Told him to help, plain and simple. I've been trying to move on, but you all know how hard it is. This is still a person I love..

He contacted me this weekend via text - I wouldn't answer his call. He told me he's realized after all this time after not talking he's realized how much he's hurt the people he cares about. I was very skeptical and cautious. He said he wanted to take me out to dinner (which as crazy as it sounds, we never did things like that...our relationship was more like artist friends...hard to explain) which was one of the things I said if he was sober, we could have done. I was really shocked. He's never acted like that really. He seemed responsive...not drunk, lol.

So I said if you are trying to take sobriety seriously then we can talk - he said he wanted to apologize face to face. I said that would be nice. Then he started with all the "well, you hate me anyways, etc ,etc..blah blah" Testing me out sorta. I was very bad and I didn't trust what he was saying..that he would eventually ask me so we could plan for it. He's never done that so I couldn't imagine him taking the initiative. He said he trying really hard to "not be that guy" and taking "baby steps" towards sobriety.

Well last night I text him "Well let me know when you want to go. That would be nice." He didn't respond. It was pretty late and I put aside that initial panic I get if he doesn't respond..There have been very painful times when he would run away from me in the past. So I tried to just forget about it. Well still no response today so I just started to loose control...

And I said "are you doing that thing again where u ignore me?"
He said "no, i just feel asleep pretty early last night"
I lost it. I'm pretty sure I completely lost it. All of this anger has been killing me and I tried to remain calm, but I let him have it.

I said "so what? you weren't going to respond? Everything u say that isn't mean, is most likely a lie. And you haven't even really apologized, you've just asked if I still hate u! You have destroyed me (I know, its me, but for texting sake , ya no..) and all you can say is do u still hate me?!! Grow up!! All you're going to do is hurt me over and over. You're not even sober. Don't contact me. Let me be sad myself."

I got triggered really, really bad by the lack of responsiveness. I felt so scared, back in that hopeful place again. So unbelievably scared. And I just feel bad because I felt like he was trying to apologize and I just got impatient and frustrated that he wasn't being more aggressive about it.

I'm so raw still. Vulnerable. And the half attempt to win me back just really pisses me offfffff. And I know, no contact means no contact. But he was being sweet so I can him a chance to talk. That's the frustrating part. I was like I'm giving you an opportunity here to voice your regrets, and you're pretty much not taking it.

Whew? Did i really mess up here? Does anyone have experience/advice?

I feel better now. I don't really feel anything most of the time anymore, but I got really panicked and I hated that because it felt very out of control and irrational.

Does anyone have experience/advice

I had to go back on NO CONTACT a few times , before I was ready for NO CONTACT. There is a reason he is your ex Mary. MY STBXAH would would do that every time to see if I was still there for HIM and his disease.It is not good for them or us if we keep being there for them.

Is he in recovery? Would you be interested if he is not in recovery? True recovery takes committment and hard work. Even then real sobriety can take a long time to happen.

His lure worked. He got you talking again, did what he does again, got you angry again. As long as you continue to dance, he's going to keep playing the music. You can always go no contact again, but that means not explaining anything to him, not telling him what you are doing or why. No contact means NO CONTACT.

I know. This was the response I was expecting.

I was waiting for him to come to this realization, so I got excited. But yeah, its too soon. I feel like such an idiot. I started out tough I said "okay, you've come to that realization..what have you done about it?"

And from that moment. It shifted. I should have realized it. Its so hard to be tough! Because its something that I want to, so its easier to break that rule.

ARR. I just really believe that he will get better. But it doesn't matter because realistically, even if he is being honest, its still not enough time.

He was all like "Rome wasn't built in a day" and man...did I just role my eyes. #1. Don't get cute with me. #2. no **** #3. Did u just compare yourself to an empire? #4. right, but what are you doing NOW...?!


I guess I need to trust my judgement more. Its going to take more than suggestions and song lyrics to earn me!!! Gawsshhh Dangit!

thanks guys. Even not seeing him or talking to him. I've been having a hard time forgetting. I don't feel "relieved" like some people who post here do after cutting ties. I feel like my heart is no longer inside of me. So he's not there and I just got excited.

Should we be explaining why we are going NO CONTACT with our A's? I'm afraid to even bring up my exagf's drinking because she turns demonic and goes crazy if anyone merely mentions her alcoholism.

oh man marygoround,

numbers two and three!
:lmao
:You_Rock_

Can't explain anything to a brain eating zombie.
Just lets them close enough to swipe at you again.

Maybe it's because you haven't actually cut ties... No contact is more than just not talking to them.... you are still concentrating on him... what he's doing... how he's doing.... where he's doing.... when he's doing...etc.

I promise you the relief comes when you begin to concentrate on you.... what you're doing.... how you're doing.... where you're doing.... when you're doing....... etc.

That's what it took for me to feel "relieved".

Take care.

Sounds about right. You see, the Codie in me probably feels he needs to explain his actions. It's precisely that kind of thinking that our A's pray upon - the feeling that we need to take responsibility and make sure everyone is happy with our decision, when in reality we are the only person that needs to be happy with it. Difficult to wrap your head around entirely when you've been codie most of your life.

I've spent too long qualifying myself in my life. It's time to shed that behaviour forever.

Yes. Thank you Hammerhead. You are right. And I feel like ****. I'm angry, I'm sad. I'm unhappy. I just don't even care anymore, ya no? But I've got to get up and do something about it. I've definitely been spiraling downard for the most part as far as depression goes, but I have apt. this week.

I haven't been concentrated, cuz if it were up to me...I would stay in bed and stare at the wall. I know its bad cuz I really don't want to do anyyyything.
And spring is my favorite time of year, and I just don't even feel anything. Yeah, I didn't want to go this route again, but I need mental help. God, I'm just so angry and I know its just been turned inward.

thanks Wicked, That made me smile. I mean seriously...is it possible to be ego tripping and have low self-esteem at the same time?

And Duped, yeah I explained myself a lot. Especially in hopes he would explain himself back. But I mean, I was prticing the golden rule, but I guess that's codepedent lol.

Sweetie... don't get down on yourself... many people have been exactly where you are.... spiraling downward stops when you LET GO.... cuz they will drag you down with them..... use your wings to fly instead.

So be kind to yourself... you've been through a tough spot.... just remember to think of YOU and take care of YOU.

You are not alone.

MaryGo,

This was the red flag I saw when I read your O.P:

If someone told me they were taking "baby steps" or even "steps" for that matter, I would say "well, call me when you've arrived".

Don't think all is lost. This, too, was a lesson.

Sucks, don't it?


You do get one of these, though
:ghug3

So true Anvilhead. They either tread water in their growth or grow down.

Thank you guys. Thanks Coffee.

Yeah ya no, I'm gonna be okay. Its just really hard to pick myself up sometimes.

He seems to think that us being together needs to come first before he commits to sobriety. He's looking for some sort of guarantee that I'll be there. And that's not how it works. Thank God I have enough smarts now that I know there is nothing I can do.

He wants me to be his "new fix." That's not even healthy talk and I didn't believe. I just slipped, got engaged, and upset because yeah..I was expecting something to happen.

I know that I am not strong enough to maintain that slope of "no" contact right now. He may be headed in the right direction or not, but regardless I'm not ready to be tested. I started to go down fairytale lane again...and it bit me in the ass. He's young, I mean chances are he gets better or he doesn't. No one in their right mind would marry him. I have nothing to be in a hurry about.

But man, he threw those buzzwords around and although I remained strong verbally. I crumbled inside....the funny thing is I gave him those exact buzzwords myself when I "explained" myself. I thought since I never really enabled in the obvious or classic ways (i.e. money, rides, etc, etc) I was okay. I thought it would be okay to maintain the most distance I ever have with him, but all the while still being emotionally open with him at the same time. Hhahaha. That's not giving him an oppurtunity to earn me. I gave him a set up. Because I didn't think he could figure out to get help by himself.

You were right Suki from other thread...I have to make him question whether I would ever reconsider. I guess I'm afraid that would be too much for him. And really, the whole thing is still about the fact that I am utterly so afraid to loose him for good. Ahh! ******* pipedreams! They never die!!

He loves me, that has been made clear...so I can handle that, but what he does about it. Isn't up to me. He's so busy feeling sorry for himself STILL he can't even make amends properly. I was so good, and then as soon as I got a familiar taste...I knew it was all ******** pretty much. And he ******* knows I know too. He has nothing to say.

It should have been clear as day that he's not healthy yet when the first thing that came out of his mouth wasn't "I'm sorry."

I had a friend who became addicted and he tried desperately to make amends with me. I kind of brushed him off, but he kept saying "I'm sorry for everything I did. Please forgive me." And boy, we have a pretty nice friendship now. All because he didn't give up on pursuing my forgiveness. Lovely X over here...started to get cute the minute I started to sniff him out. Going as far as "what's the point if you're to get judgmental?" After I started to ask questions about said "baby steps."

I have a right to judge what company I keep, thank you.
God Moron! LOL, I guess that makes me the moron for falling for it! Arr.

:lmao
OMG there isn't a laughing smilie that's big enough for how hard I'm laughing right now.

Back to NC with you, mary. Find your serenity again.

You were right Suki from other thread...I have to make him question whether I would ever reconsider. I guess I'm afraid that would be too much for him. And really, the whole thing is still about the fact that I am utterly so afraid to loose him for good.

Well, I don't think I said that, but if it came out that way, I didn't mean for it to. You dont have to make him do or think anything. All you need to do is take care of YOU. When you engage in contact with him, sure it might get him to thinking, but it also keeps you involved in all the drama. No contact isn't so much for the addict/alcoholic, it is for YOU.

Yeah. Thank you.

What about parents who go no contact? I mean at what point can let them back in? Where's the line? Never? What if they are working sobriety when is it okay?

For some reason I can't detach from it in my head. I'm so pissed and I need help dealing with the anger and sadness.

I guess it doesn't matter. I haven't even let it go completely. ****!