LucyA

I agree with you Barb, I couldn't have put it better myself, that is exactly how it is.
Although I've been second guessing myself and going over my own motives for the last 24 hours.

I don't know what she says to Joe when he's with her, I have no control over that and I accept it.
I have control over what I say to him, and I want to get this completely right first time. If he did want to live with her, I would be upset (devastated in fact) and horrified and 100% sure that it would not be a good move for him. I don't need to tell him any of that though and I won't.

I haven't spoken to Joe yet about this, we have a weekend alone and I'm planning to later on. I'm going to ask him if this is what he really wants and discuss whatever answer he gives me.
But as far as I'm concerned he isn't old enough to make this decision, neither is he in the right frame of mind yet.
My decision will be to keep him here, and keep the continuity in his life, keep hin around his friends for support and protect him from her unfair demands and tantrums.

I applied to adopt him, she kicked off and said if i did she would put her own application in, so I put that on hold.

He didnt see her two weeks after Christmas because the weather was too bad to travel so far, she sent my solicitor a letter to say if I didn't allow her contact she would apply for weekly contact.

Now this! someone has to see through her soon.

coyote21

My xmil keeps telling LMC when she's 12 she can come to live with her. I told LMC she would live with me till she was 18, then she could decide. May as well nip that in the bud, also I can't control what xmil says to the kid. The fact that adults manipulate kids this way sucks.

The decision NOT to adopt him out of fear of reprisal is how I lived my life with my axw. Decisions made out of fear were always wrong for me.

FWIW you are a saint in my book. Really, what are her motivations?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

GiveLove

I'd be interested in knowing this:

If Joe were able to wave a magic wand and make things the way HE wants between himself, you, and this aunt, what would the world look like? Could be anything, but I'd sense it'd be something like:

1) continues to live with you, with his local social network
2) visits auntie when HE wants to, and when it doesn't interfere with school and play
3) neither auntie nor you bring up the other when he's in their presence, and certainly never with any negative barbs toward the other
4) if he's being made uncomfortable he can come home at any time
5) etc

What would his perfect situation look like? Maybe getting it down on paper would be empowering for him. And then - of course - there will be parts that aren't his to control, like the aunt's part of #3, but at least he'd have the big picture for himself and would know definitively that there is nothing wrong with the feelings he's having. He just can't control what she says, is all. But what she says isn't gospel...just because she says it doesn't mean it's so.

Hoping this weekend leads you and Joe back to a peaceful fresh start on all this.

Shame she's being such a **********.

(Insert your own insults, of any length you wish. I know I have my own favorites.)

LucyA

I decided to put the adoption on hold because Joes other aunt had told him if I adopted him I would change his name and never let him see her again. Completely untrue and already discussed between Joe and I, he knew I wouldn't change his name, he's the last in the line anyway and he's had his name for all his life, it's who he is, we decided it wouldn't be changed, he was happy.
He knew about contact too, nothing would change except legally I'd be his parent, absoultely nothing else would change, but he'd have the belonging that he so wanted then.
All the reports on us as a family were done, then they moved on to the wider family, our social worker was ready to recomend adoption, but when she kicked off and influenced Joe about it even she backed off.
I only put the adoption on hold because I didnt want Joe to feel pulled between the two fo us, and I explained that to him at the time.
I am so hoping social services have this on record as it would help me no end right now, but if they don't I do, dates names and the whole lot.

I've been way too soft with this woman, I know that now. All the time I did what I thought was best, allowing Joe to have a close relationship with his mums sister. They never were this close when his mum was alive.
If I could do all this over again I would do it completley different. But I can't, so now is the time to start.

Learn2Live

Could all of these problems caused by this woman, and your resultant worry and angst, have been avoided had you gone through with what YOU originally WANTED, which was to legally adopt Joe?

LucyA

I really don't know Learn2Live. For me yes they would probably been avoided, but Joe would still be getting all the flack.

I can't go back in time so I'm working on stopping it all from now though. When I see my solicitor I'm going to ask for things to be done to prevent his aunt from doing certain things without my knowledge, like constantly texting him, arranging things with Joe and bypassing me and undermining my parental responsibility.

I still have 18 months left on my notice to adopt, so I may still do that in the future. I didn't pull out of it completely, just asked for it to be put on hold to save Joe more grief.

LucyA

OK, I bit the bullet today and talked to Joe about this letter. I asked him if it was what he really wanted, he doesn't know.
I asked him if he wasn't happy here, he says he is.
I then asked him why he would say it if he didn't know if it was what he wanted, he says it's because it's what his mum wanted.

Obviously there was more talk than that, but to me they were the most important points.

If he was desperately unhappy here, doing bad in school, had no friends and convinced me he really wanted to go I would think about letting him.

BUT, he's an almost 13 year old kid who's mostly happy, lively, has lots of friends, is doing better in school than he ever has and can't give me one reason why he wants to move.

I'm not doing it! He's staying here if it's within my power to keep him here. I really believe he's being emotionally abused by his other aunt. I've already written one letter to her saying this is what I feel. To me this is just more evidence.

Joe doesn't know if he's coming or going.

I've told him today why I don't think him moving is a good idea and that I need to think more about it. I told him this because I know he'll be quizzed about it by her and I don't want to put him in the position of being able to tell her anything she doesn't need to know, or anything he doesn't want to tell her but might feel he should.

I'm not 100% sure what is right just now, all I know is I've done the best I can for the last two years and I'll carry on doing it.

wicked

To have a 13 year old who is mostly happy, lively, has lots of friends, and is doing better in school, well, I give you much credit LucyA.
Feel good about that, and whatever you need to do to get him to stay with you.
Does that aunt think she will get some money if Joe is with her?
Yes, the crass American always. But with some people that is the bottom line.
Maybe if she gets the idea that she is not gonna get rich here, she will back off.
Just a thought.
Beth

LucyA

Apart from the American bit I think you're spot on.
Joe has a lot of money, some of it supposedly held in trust by her, the rest of it is being arranged into a trust by my mum and my solicitor cousin. I elected long ago to have nothing to do with his money because of the position I'm in with him, ie having parental responsibility. I wanted to make sure I couldn't be accused of using his money or even be in a position where I could use it.
He also has a house to sell, and the proceeds to go into trust.

When I got the letter from her I was mulling over my solicitors advice to take her to court to disclose what she actually does have in trust for Joe, and if it is all as it should be. As his guardian I have the right to know and she legally has to tell me, but she wont.
I don't trust her in the first place and this doesn't help, just makes me think she has something to hide.

suki44883

Lucy, I am so, so sorry you and Joe are having to go through this crap. It is very obvious that you love Joe and are trying to do what's best for him. It's so hard to do the right thing when the other person does not play fair. While you try not to malign her to Joe, she does just the opposite. No wonder Joe is so distraught. I just can't wrap my head around the idea of a person being so down right cruel. Wicked may be spot on about the money angle, if there is one.

Hang in there, Lucy. Fight for what is right. If push comes to shove, even though you wouldn't normally do it, you might need to burst whatever bubble Joe has about this other aunt. ((((HUGS))))

Learn2Live

Here's my opinion: He is a minor child. It is generally accpepted that what is best for all children is stability. The courts have given you responsibility for providing that and it seems you are. Enter the aunt. Her demands and behavior are creating instability both for you and the child. You want to be fair and reasonable but it seems to me you are allowing "the alcoholic" (that is, the person who creates the instability and confusion) to CREATE instability and confusion.

You are the adult, he is the child. He has not approached you and complained about the job you are doing and neither have the courts, right? He has not run away from home or anything. I think, from my perspective, you need to have more confidence that you are doing a good job, and that the boy is relatively happy.

The decisions about this child's upbringing should not be based on the ever-changing, dramatically-communicated desires of "the alcoholic," or the desires of a dead person (mother or not), or on anyone's desire to appear fair and reasonable. You are the parent in this and you have final say. I say stop putting the child in the middle of it, he does not have the capacity to handle this SICK behavior of this woman any more than we do (and we are adults). Stop letting this weird, unstable, dramatic woman create havoc and confusion in this child's life. If and when her behavior and actions cause you or the boy stress, CUT HER OFF. Accept your ability to control what is in your legal and moral right to control.

Keep up the good work! Don't let this woman's behavior and words cause you to second-guess yourself. You are doing the right thing. Follow your instincts!

wicked

<whispering> Hey, LucyA, I am an Anglophile. Love everything English, and therefore think everything is posh there. </whispering>

Yes, dammit, this is how the worm turns. Sorry about this LucyA, but I think you must get the solicitors involved. Oh, how people get evil over money.
So, it appears she just wants to control everything he has, you will not allow her to do this. Gird your loins and do what you have to. I know you can.
Beth

coyote21

Bingo. Saw that coming.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

LucyA

I've sat down by myself and thought about what's been said here. You're all right.
I work in a job where I'm supposed to identify signs of abuse, very few abused people will identify their abuser, or even how they're being abused.
I need to do something about this quicky, I should have done it sooner, but Joe keeps on saying he wants to see her sometimes, of course he does.

Can't get to the solicitor till the 31st, but I still have parental responsibility to use meanwhile.

wicked

Girl, you got a lock on this.
Only got to see the solicitor.
No regrets about what should have been done.
You are the best thing for Joe.
Joe is saying things because he feels he HAS to, you know this.
Like I said, gird your loins, it could just be wishful thinking on her part, that you will fold.
Uh, no, you are his parent now.
Do what you gotta.
:ghug3

LucyA

No regrets wicked, I thought I was doing things for the best. Now I know different so I'll do things different.