Dadtrying

I recently posted about my current issues and part of it was the wife not drinking much at all but exhibiting all of the same behaviors as before. In effect, nothing has changed except for the "just add alcohol" part.

Now I am trying to navigate my course in life and have some major decisions to make. As I read these posts about AW, AH, ABF, AGF etc.. the problems come back when the drinking causes it.

Drinking isn't causing our problems, though she is still an alcoholic. I almost feel guilty posting here because I think to myself "maybe it's me".

Alcohol was just an outlet for her. A coping mechanism. Her real problem is a mental disorder more serious than depression that has gone undiagnosed.

I am not perfect. I get angry. I don't always handle her behavior properly but am I entitled to emotions too?

Her MO is mess up, blame me for days while pushing my buttons until she can "pin something on me" not even related.

So anyway I know that the alcohol is not the problem therefore the lack of alcohol is not the solution. Am I in the wrong place?

Ceres

Codependancy seems to be the main underlying issue with us. It doesn't need to be an alcoholic or addict per se. Many codependents are with others with mental or personality disorders. It's still mainly identified as an alocoholic/addict thing. So, you'll probably get more insight here anyway.

So, stick around. :-)

bookwyrm

You know, this forum is for codependents. Are you a codie? Do you want help in dealing with your codependency? The name of this forum is 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' but the main focus is on US and not our qualifying other. I came to this board looking for a way to 'save' XAH and instead found a way to save me. Do you think we could help you save yourself too?

Dadtrying

Sure do. I guess that's why I come back. I am (co)dependant on this forum.

Serenebynow

Hi, so sorry you are here. It's actually a good place to be(sr). It sounds to me like you have hit your bottom. It is sad but it's also a time to work on yourself. You can only change you. My abf is dry, will not admit again he's an alcoholic because he thinks he's in control of his disease. It drove me crazy! How can someone who has had 11 d w i's not be an alcoholic? I sat in meetings with him and heard him say he was, but now he's not?
The only way I could get better was to focus on me and my disease, which I got from being raised in a house filled with addicts/alcoholics. Having said that, you are not alone.
Please, try alanon, or codependent meetings. It is time now to focus on yourself and your kids.
I'm really sorry you are in this position, but I'm happy to say, hope is found in recovery.
Keep coming back!

LucyA

I just keep on coming back, because whatever my problems someone here can help me work it out one way or another, and hopefully I can help someone else one day.
And because I love you guys x

Freedom1990

Alcoholism and mental illness often go hand in hand. There's a long line of alcoholism and mental illness on both sides of my family.

Had I not ended up addressing both in my own life eventually, well the ending would not have been very happy.

I address my alcoholism through the 12 steps of AA. I address my mental health issues through qualified professionals in the mental health field.

qwe

Hi Dad,

Although i haven't been here long, I think this group supports its members through many things. Alcohol is still an issue in your life even if you label it "her coping mechanism". So I would recommend staying, and tossing the guilt. SR and the steps in Al-Anon apply to situations outside of just alcoholism so I hope you will find it useful across your life.

However, I hear you about thinking that maybe some of it's relationship stuff and some might be yours. Maybe. I have also thought that eventhough we're also dealing with alcoholism in my relationship. May I suggest Lisa Merlo-Booth. Straight Talk on Relationships. Lisa's website/blog has lots of straight talking articles on various relationship subjects and you can read and see where your behaviour might be "off", as she calls it. If you find areas, you can always add that to the work that you're doing "on your side of the street". From a personal perspective I'm taking her telecourse for women right now and am finding it quite insightful, and that's why I'm suggesting her, although there's many places out there.

Regardless of what you do outside of here, know that in here you've got a great group of friends who will listen and make suggestions as you request - and sometimes (like me) even without being asked? Hey, does that make me a codie too?

wanting

Dadtrying, alcohol isn't a problem in my life anymore either. I come here because it helps me to focus on me, and because we are all on a similar journey of trying to disentangle ourselves from another person and find our paths.

coffeedrinker

many of us had a "qualifier" when we came here, but lost him/her along the way. there are still issues underneath it all.

because your wife is not currently drinking, doesn't mean she's not alcoholic.
mine sometimes went months, or even years, without drinking.

your questioning about your behavior. wow, that's healthy in my book. we can do it in a loving and honest way. some of us think we're all messed up in the head, or we take all of the blame for things that sometimes are not ours at all! some of us don't ever think we had a role in the issues.
one end of the spectrum vs. the other.

we do play a part in a dysfunctional relationship. identifying it is real progress - especially if it leads to changed attitudes and behaviors. hey, i've got an idea! we'll help you with that.

Kassie2

Hi Dadtrying,

I didn't come here either b/c my husband has been in recovery for the past year. I initially thought it would support me in exploring my side of the problems and help me understand what I know of the illness and apply it.

We were separated b/c of his drinking and still that way eventho he is sober. He has a long way to go in recovery in all areas of his life. He also has other problems which he has been in/out of therapy for years with little advancement until he met me. Unfortunately as the therapist put, it is therapeutic rel for him but not for you. I have had to look at that. I do that here.

Yes, you get to be a real person and have feelings, thoughts, and desires for a positive relationship. What most are doing is to get to know ourselves all over again and then make those important decisions.

hope that helps.

Dadtrying

Hello,

Looks like it has been six years since this post. Almost to the day.

I logged in here today and checked my old posts to see what I was feeling then. Not much has changed. I will return with more. Things are NOT good right now and I need some guidance....or at least an ear so I know I am not alone.

See you all soon.

AnvilheadII

Welcome back!

Bekindalways

Welcome back Dadtrying. Let us know how you are. We may not be able to help but we can support you in whatever you are going through.

teatreeoil007

So far, I have seen that this board can help you with any dysfunctional relationship you have whether it's related to addiction, other mental illness or whatever; just going through a bad break-up or divorce or whatever. Co-dependents tend to get in relationships and situations where they are looking at being enablers and unhealthy just by the "nature of the beast". We enable other peoples' destructive behavior. People do not have to be addicted to a substance per se to be difficult to deal with. People do not have to be addicted to a chemical substance to have "bad habits" whatever those habits may be and bad habits can range from anything like overspending to infidelity to verbal abuse to being irresponsible, procrastination, over eating, whatever. I happened to marry into an ADHD and ADD family. And at times, they have driven me bonkers. Sometimes it's the job and co workers that can drive you crazy. The co-dependent can sometimes even turn to substances themselves to cope with the behaviors of others and so then they become an addict as well as a co-dependent. Yuck! The addict brain is never satisfied. It's just wants more and more of whatever it is that gives them their next fix. For some it's having a new car or a new girlfriend every few years. Trade the old one in for a new one. When we think "addict" we envision someone who is in some dark alley in a bad part of town shooting up with a dirty needle. There are many types of addicts out there. Anyone can become addicted to something destructive.

FeelingGreat

That made me smile Mr 23 posts. Have a look at the number of posts for other contributors, including me. I am a sober A, and I use SR as part of my recovery support.

You are gaining some clarity about your actions and how you react to your wife's actions. If that's helpful, then stay, if you feel it's not then maybe some other form of therapy, or a group like Al-anon would suit you better.

Thomas45

We're here to listen. You're definitely not alone among this crowd.

Liveitwell

Nope-not alone at all keep coming back.