Emeraldstorm

I guess it took me a couple of years to figure out that my ah is suffering for a co-occurring disorder, and it's killing me inside.

I know we are supposed to accept things we can not change, but I can't. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had left my ah. Well, I'm back of course. I felt extremely uncomfortable at my mothers house. She wasn't making me feel uncomfortable, in fact she is always supportive, I just feel so bad because I know she worries about me. I'm just having a REALLY hard time leaving my boyfriend. I care about him so much, and have never heard such a tragic story in my life. I believe he can change and accomplish SO much in his life. I know my mom doesn't understand, why would she, she married an alcoholic as well. My father....

My boyfriend of 5 years has a co-occurring disorder: BPD and Alcoholism. His mother abandoned him and his younger siblings when he was only 11. His dad has custody but is diagnosed with several mental disorders. He gets 100% disability from the NAVY. My boyfriend has had to take on the role of both mom and dad and medical caregiver and is completely and utterly depressed. He is only 22 and he see's his friends going out and living their lives and he wants that so bad.

His dad needs more medical supervision then he or I can provide, and for some reason, my boyfriend can not come to terms with that. So he drinks..

I just want him to get help. He has such an awesome personality when he isn't angry/drunk...but it happens randomly out of nowhere, ALL OF THE TIME....

I'm also afraid that if he does get help it won't do any good because his family is NOT supportive at all..in fact they are manipulating him to clean up their burdens...it's THE saddest thing I have ever seen...

He hasn't worked in quite some time, and I can not afford his treatment. He has no health coverage, but he is trying to stop drinking...again...

He really wants a normal life, and I want to give him the tools to have one. I just dont have money for the inpatient treatment that he needs. If he is having a hard time going through withdraws could the ER help him? Would they take him somewhere that would help??

I'm just out of answers, I can't figure this out and it's killing me. I hate to see him like this, he is an AMAZING person with so much love in his heart....he is just SO afraid

Any advice is appreciated! Thank you so much!

FindingPeace1

Emerald,
I went back and read your posts...
Your boyfriend is abusive to you, an alcoholic and a pot smoker.
Last we heard from you he was blackmailing you because you were doing his homework and wanted to stop.
You have done everything for him, taken care of him, helped him with money, tried to find the right recovery program for him, etc. etc.

Sweetheart, you are not his keeper and he is not your job. You are your job. You. Your process, your life, your happiness.

I see you post in times of trouble, but often don't return to comment again. Do you read people's posts, but it is too painful to respond? I would understand that.

I deeply empathize with loving someone that doesn't treat you right, from my own experience! But you can change.

Have you read Codependent No More and have you tried to go to an Alanon meeting or a Codependent's Anonymous meeting?

That would be a good place to start.

The change has to come from you.
You did not cause this.
You can not control it.
You can not change it.

Cory is who he is. He is an addict. He is abusive.

It isn't gonna change.

You can only change you.

You say you can't accept the things you cannot change, and truth be told, many of us can't. Really, serenity prayer, in my opinion needs one more line.
Change the things you can
Accept the things you cannot change
and GET OUT if you can't accept them. LOL!

You don't have to accept it.
And you can keep trying to change him till you or he dies, sooner or later. It is your choice. But you are causing your suffering.

There is hope.

Learn2Live

Your BF's and your BF's family's issues are not your business. You are making someone else's problems your own and that is not healthy.

Your BF's treatment, health coverage, employment status, ability to pay for inpatient rehab, etc are not your responsibility. YOUR responsibility is to take care of YOU.

You are allowing your BF to make you HIS higher power. It may feel good some times to be looked upon as someone else's higher power, but do you have the resources to perform this job?

Emeraldstorm

No I do not have the resources, but I wish I did....

I know I come here when things get bad so that's probably why it looks like my boyfriend is always abusive and mean...

In reality he's not always like that. We've shared some great times together and I know he deeply cares about me...

I know I'm young and I could get someone else, I know that his family has nothing to do with me...I just want to rescue him...really bad

And I'm having an extremely hard time leaving him all alone. I care about him WAY too much! Maybe I am putting this suffering onto myself, but I feel like it can not compare to the suffering he is going through....

I have to save him...he's only 22

LaTeeDa

You can't. That's the brutal honest truth. You are not god. You do not have the power to save him.

You have only two choices here, save yourself, or go down with him. We all wish the choices were different, that there was something else to choose.

L

nodaybut2day

It doesn't matter if he's 22 or 12, or if he has one arm left or is an abused war victim from Uzbekistan There is no "have to" here. You are putting the burden on yourself. You want to save him, and his difficult past gives you a reason why he *deserves* to be saved. Perhaps you want this because it makes you feel like you have a purpose. Perhaps you need this, because as addicted as he is to alcohol, you are addicted to him and his drama.

Have you considered reading "Codependent No More"?

From re-reading your post, you sound very desperate to "give him what he needs" and you seem to be rather unhappy that you are unable to do this. This is because you are not that powerful! You only have power over yourself.

Please keep posting and working through this!

FindingPeace1

No one thinks he is always abusive and mean. All our loved ones have times of good and bad. As they say, "When they are good, they are really, really good and when they are bad, they are terrible."
No amount of amazing can make up for even SOMETIMES of abusive, addictive behavior and blackmailing. None. Those behaviors aren't okay.

Why do you think he is so important (you need to save him) and YOU are not (you're willing to be with someone that is so hurtful to you)?

And what about the book or the meeting? Are you willing?

Learn2Live

Emerald I don't know how old you are but honey, it doesn't matter how OFTEN he is abusive to you, what matters is that he IS abusive to you at all. It is not good or healthy to allow yourself to be used and abused by ANYONE--I don't care WHO they are or what their EXCUSE for being abusive is.

You KEEP coming here and sharing what you are going through; it's OK whenever you need to come here. I also suggest you go to Al-Anon.

You do not have the ability or the resources to rescue him or help him. You have your SELF and your education to address. ALL of us have just enough energy and resources for OURSELVES. This guy is TOO NEEDY. I know you love him and want to help him but people like that will PULL YOU UNDER and DROWN you.

You know, it is often a game to people like your BF to keep you mired in all that you are mired in; to keep you feeling sorry for him and WANTING to help him. When people do drugs and alcohol to excess, they have no strength to lean on. So they lean on US. But we are not that strong.

My suggestion for you at your age is you should be focusing on YOUR life, and YOUR education, and YOUR future. On having fun, on laughter, on establishing lasting friendships and creating great memories while you are being productive and planning for your future. But you are not doing those things, are you? Why? Perhaps because someone is MANIPULATING you into taking care of their SELFISH wants?

NYC_Chick

You need to save yourself here. You are the only one who can. Let go or be dragged. His alcoholism will take him first and come back for you if you allow it. Right now you are allowing it.

wuzzled

Suggested reading: Women Who Love Too Much. I can't remember who it's by, someone else may. Check it out, great book.

You will never be able to save him, it will be crazy making and you will lose yourself in the process. You can only save yourself, no one else. As hard as it is to see him suffer and make poor choices, they are his choices and he deserves the dignity to make them for himself, regardless of the outcome for him.

It was once said to me to stand inside of a hula hoop. Everything inside the hula hoop was my business, and anything outside the hoop is NOT.

Ceres

Emerald - I replied to your other post.

Emeraldstorm

You guys have helped me more than you would ever know. I have a hard time leaving Cory alone AT ALL. Every time I leave he makes me feel bad for going, like he can not stand to be alone. So it's hard for me to go to the 1 Al-Anon meeting my city offers each week....

I feel stronger than I did 3 years ago....and I really believe it's because of sober recovery! You guys have made me realize things about myself that I never understood. My happiness REALLY DOES depend on his...

And even though I know this and I know what's right for me, I'm still so scared to leave, for so many different reasons.

1. I don't want to be another person to abandon him
2. I know things will get worse if I leave
3. I feel like I'm not accepted in my own family...I'm not a straight A student at a 4-year University like my other siblings are....
4. I can't imagine loosing my best friend while he's still alive

I think I will go out and get that book today...

I just have a hard time seeing myself leaving for good. I know it's good for me, but I literally can't be OK knowing he's not....

It's really sad, and I never thought my life would end up like this...I thought my 20's were supposed to be fun and full of life...

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to go through...my whole body and mind are exhausted...

posiesperson

Emerald,

I just typed up this whole long response to your post and my computer re-booted and it was gone....! Basically I was saying to please check my post: "Tired of drama,drama,drama..." and all the helpful responses of forum members there. I get it, I really do. It sounds like this guy really calls to something in you, so much so that you're willing to put up with a whole lot of questionable behavior. And that makes me wonder how you feel about yourself, that you're so invested in him while he drinks, drugs and blackmails you.

I have faith in your ability to get through this because you're coming here and posting and reaching out. I know for me, when I go back and read my words, I am sometimes surprised at what I've written. There's a whole lot that has happened that I never, ever, ever imagined I would tolerate. I have to ask myself why I have...?

If you wrote a book about yourself and you could choose any partner you wanted, how would you describe your ideal partner? Can you be that person to yourself so that you could offer that to someone capable of receiving it?

And, what would you advise your best friend to do in this situation?

I know you'll figure this out for yourself. We all know what it's like to be in pain, so please know that you're not alone.

pp

NYC_Chick

You will know when you have had enough. It took starving myself for two weeks because I was too stressed out to eat and dropping so much weight I could see my ribs and had no clothes that fit for me to finally let my xabf go. Two more weeks of that would have killed me. I don't know where he is now or if he's ok. I'm really good and that's all that matters to me and those who love me. I hope you can take your life back. You are so young and there is much better out there for you.

nodaybut2day

You will leave when you are ready. And to be honest, you won't "ok" knowing he's doing poorly. A lot of SR members come here daily riddled with guilt, frustration, sadness and anger, knowing that their former partners are digging their own graves with both hands. We all do that cartoonish move where one hand gingerly reaches out while the other pulls it back. That's ok.

The mere fact that you are here, questioning your situation, asking questions, struggling to find answer, is a good thing.

Also, regarding your concerns:
1. Yes Cory has had it tough, but it's not your responsibility to "save" him from his life. He has also made some CHOICES (alcohol, drugs) that had nothing to do with his past, and you are now suffering the consequences of his choices.
2. More than likely, things will get worse when you leave. This is not something you can stop, because the problems are greater than you.
3. Just because you don't feel accepted in your own family doesn't mean you need to take refuge in his. This is definitely an issue I struggled with as well and I'm now working on finding my OWN acceptance within myself, and not in others.
4. Methinks that you've already lost your best friend to his poor choices.

I can totally understand that this is a hard thing to go through, but think of this...you're still young and you're getting an opportunity from HP to learn a great deal about yourself. Think of what you'll be at 30! Watch out mama, here she comes!

Learn2Live

When we cannot emotionally detach from other people, we do not disengage from these kinds of situations voluntarily. We make the CHOICE to stay. When we stay and are not treated well, we know nothing else so we begin to think that this is all there is, there are no alternatives. Eventually we begin to think we DESERVE to be treated poorly, or that this is all we are worth. This happened to me and I was like this for a long time.

If you are lucky the universe will do for you what it did for me at age 29. And that is to YANK YOU out of the situation you have chosen to remain in.

Best wishes.