Bad feeling this morning
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Bad feeling this morning
STBXAH and I sold the house. Closing is in 2 weeks. He has never really left the house (he had access to it during the day for business purposes). He never found a place to live so he has always taken visitation at home. I just left the house or stayed out of the area where he and the kids were. Things started out rough but have been amicable with periods of him losing it--then doing what he usually does, pretend that he never did lose it. Custody and placement order was signed this week and part of that is that neither of us are allowed to drink or use controlled substances 12 hours before or during periods of placement. I suggested that during mediation and the mediator said that to make it fair it would have to go both ways--I said fine. AH has continued to drink (as reported by kids) but until this week he was not in contempt because it had not been signed by a judge. Now he will be in contempt if he drinks/uses while with the kids.
STBXAH has been unable to get a loan for a new residence because he was bascially hardly employed and most of our income came from me. I am being pretty frugal in my home search because I don't want to be house poor. AH is self-employed and wrote off everything for the last 3 years he did not have a regular job and was just doing his self-employment gigs. So he shows very little income.
The last 2 days he has been calling me at work about not being able to find a place to live, not being able to get a loan (he is paying child support but it is not that much and is much less than he could be paying if what I am seeing--him working a lot more--is true). But I have just left child support alone since I don't want my kids visitation with him to be in a hovel.
Yesterday he called me again about the housing situation he is in and I told him he needed to go to his family for help (the same family who thinks I am the hag from hell for leaving him and are in total denial that he has any problems). Because of his whole upbringing (it is a long story) he refuses to go to them for help because he does not want to "go begging". He said he would beg from a friend first. During he conversation he started weeping and hung up. This morning I ran into him before I left for work. He looked like hell. He told me he had some paperwork we need to give the real estate agent. I told him to leave it and I would make copies. I went looking for him before I left for work and he was gone.
I have a bad, bad feeling right now. I have totally stayed out of his housing mess except for yesterday when I suggested he call his family. He has lied to everyone about his alcohol and drug use and they choose to believe him. Now he is feeling desperate. I am extremely conflicted. He has threatened to commit suicide on a number of occasions but those were attention getting threats. He did not threaten to commit suicide this morning but his behavior yesterday and this morning left me with a bad feeling.
I don't know what to do. If I called anyone in his family or other enabling friends I would just be doing the codie thing. But, he is the father of our kids and IF he committed suicide they would be devasted beyond belief.
Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know how to handle this.
STBXAH has been unable to get a loan for a new residence because he was bascially hardly employed and most of our income came from me. I am being pretty frugal in my home search because I don't want to be house poor. AH is self-employed and wrote off everything for the last 3 years he did not have a regular job and was just doing his self-employment gigs. So he shows very little income.
The last 2 days he has been calling me at work about not being able to find a place to live, not being able to get a loan (he is paying child support but it is not that much and is much less than he could be paying if what I am seeing--him working a lot more--is true). But I have just left child support alone since I don't want my kids visitation with him to be in a hovel.
Yesterday he called me again about the housing situation he is in and I told him he needed to go to his family for help (the same family who thinks I am the hag from hell for leaving him and are in total denial that he has any problems). Because of his whole upbringing (it is a long story) he refuses to go to them for help because he does not want to "go begging". He said he would beg from a friend first. During he conversation he started weeping and hung up. This morning I ran into him before I left for work. He looked like hell. He told me he had some paperwork we need to give the real estate agent. I told him to leave it and I would make copies. I went looking for him before I left for work and he was gone.
I have a bad, bad feeling right now. I have totally stayed out of his housing mess except for yesterday when I suggested he call his family. He has lied to everyone about his alcohol and drug use and they choose to believe him. Now he is feeling desperate. I am extremely conflicted. He has threatened to commit suicide on a number of occasions but those were attention getting threats. He did not threaten to commit suicide this morning but his behavior yesterday and this morning left me with a bad feeling.
I don't know what to do. If I called anyone in his family or other enabling friends I would just be doing the codie thing. But, he is the father of our kids and IF he committed suicide they would be devasted beyond belief.
Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know how to handle this.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
You have no control of what he does. Your kids would be devastated, but it is his choice.
If he has a therapist then maybe call that person with concern. If he threatens again, then I suppose you can call the police, but other than that, calling a friend or his family is about all I can think to do. It really is in his hands.
If he has a therapist then maybe call that person with concern. If he threatens again, then I suppose you can call the police, but other than that, calling a friend or his family is about all I can think to do. It really is in his hands.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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I agree. You can't stop him from making poor choices any more than you can stop him from drinking.
I hope, for the children's sake, he doesn't do anything rash, but you cannot blame yourself if he does. You don't have that much power.
If he says anything to you that indicates a suicide threat, you can call the police. That's the only power you have.
L
I hope, for the children's sake, he doesn't do anything rash, but you cannot blame yourself if he does. You don't have that much power.
If he says anything to you that indicates a suicide threat, you can call the police. That's the only power you have.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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This seems like one of those "hands off the alkie" situation, no matter how difficult it is to do so. He did this to himself, over the course of many years; it is not within your power to save him from his choices.
When I left my XAH, it was clear that he was going to be in financial trouble without my income. I still disconnected the cable, the telephone and the internet that were in my name. Right before we separated, XAH came home one night with bloodied knuckles and cuts on his shoulder (he self-mutilated a lot), I guess to "show" me what distress he was in. Perhaps it was cold, but I pretended not to notice and promised myself I would be calling the cops should he try to off himself. Funny enough, it never came to that. This is just my experience though...
I understand the desire to protect your children from the hurt that his potential suicide would bring, but this is also something *he* did. Keeping the man alive and miserable isn't going to make your children any happier.
When I left my XAH, it was clear that he was going to be in financial trouble without my income. I still disconnected the cable, the telephone and the internet that were in my name. Right before we separated, XAH came home one night with bloodied knuckles and cuts on his shoulder (he self-mutilated a lot), I guess to "show" me what distress he was in. Perhaps it was cold, but I pretended not to notice and promised myself I would be calling the cops should he try to off himself. Funny enough, it never came to that. This is just my experience though...
I understand the desire to protect your children from the hurt that his potential suicide would bring, but this is also something *he* did. Keeping the man alive and miserable isn't going to make your children any happier.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I agree with what has already been said. You can't control this situation any more than you can control his drinking. I am sorry, this is not an easy thing to deal with. I hope for the sake of the kids and everyone involved that hitting his bottom in this way gives him what he needs to start turning his life around. You are in my prayers, Wife2kids.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I don't know what to do.
Go to a meeting.
This is NOT your problem. It is NOT your job to "fix" him or set the stage for his visits with the children. Neither can you control what this man does, or control the universe in order to prevent your children from having one feeling or experience, or another. It is a tough pill to swallow but this is who he IS, and this is who he HAS BEEN, and this is who he WILL BE.
Let Go and Let God.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I agree that he is feeling the consequences of his choices up to this point. It is sad, but not for you to fix for him.
His only chance for recovery is to face these consequences on his own. It is not something the people who love him want to see and hence the enabling will continue.
Despite his family's protestations, you are not the cause of this. You are trying to keep yourself and your children out of harms way.
Keep doing what you're doing and stay back. If his family or friends wants to intervene so be it. They may not have taken notice because he is fine around them and only despairng around you to move you to take on his cause again.
Contact authorities if you feel he is in imminent danger.
As much energy as we spend over time trying to save our addicted loved ones, it takes the same amount of energy to step back and let them his their bottom.
Hug your children and keep moving forward.
Alice
His only chance for recovery is to face these consequences on his own. It is not something the people who love him want to see and hence the enabling will continue.
Despite his family's protestations, you are not the cause of this. You are trying to keep yourself and your children out of harms way.
Keep doing what you're doing and stay back. If his family or friends wants to intervene so be it. They may not have taken notice because he is fine around them and only despairng around you to move you to take on his cause again.
Contact authorities if you feel he is in imminent danger.
As much energy as we spend over time trying to save our addicted loved ones, it takes the same amount of energy to step back and let them his their bottom.
Hug your children and keep moving forward.
Alice
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I dunno. You've gotten great al anon advice here, I can only add that there have been times when I've considered an intervention. In the past, that is. I did some research into them, and think it's critical to have a professional "interventionist" doing the dirty work. that was when I was very worried about my AH committing suicide.
I ended up calling his brother, who was a SWAT detective and trained in that sort of thing and he went over to AH's place and talked to him for a few days straight. It helped. He's still alive at least.
I think, also, with an intervention, you have to be sure to stay super al-anoned up, and have no expectation. For me I did that to prevent a suicide, not get him sober. I've lost alcoholic friends to suicide and that was what drove me to try to circumvent his.
Some folks will disagree with this, but if you're really worried, to me it seems those are your two choices. It's either let go and let god, or arrange an intervention.
Either way, it's important to stay grounded in the reality that he is suffering under his disease and there really ain't anything you can do about it.
ps) I love how LEARNTOLIVE always reminds us to breath. Thank you!
I ended up calling his brother, who was a SWAT detective and trained in that sort of thing and he went over to AH's place and talked to him for a few days straight. It helped. He's still alive at least.
I think, also, with an intervention, you have to be sure to stay super al-anoned up, and have no expectation. For me I did that to prevent a suicide, not get him sober. I've lost alcoholic friends to suicide and that was what drove me to try to circumvent his.
Some folks will disagree with this, but if you're really worried, to me it seems those are your two choices. It's either let go and let god, or arrange an intervention.
Either way, it's important to stay grounded in the reality that he is suffering under his disease and there really ain't anything you can do about it.
ps) I love how LEARNTOLIVE always reminds us to breath. Thank you!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Posts: 2,615
Dear Wife, I can't add anymore wisdom to what has been posted by all above and agree with Live2Learn words totally.
He does seem to have a big dose of the "poor me's' and is baiting every hook he can in the hope you will bite, as you have before. He has yet to accept that he is where he is, only because HE DID what he did to get there, and won't do what is needed to get himself out of there.
All I have to offer is my own prayer for when it gets too much.
Lord, you made (name), I leave you to fix them.
You also made me, Lord. I ask you to fix me.
God bless
He does seem to have a big dose of the "poor me's' and is baiting every hook he can in the hope you will bite, as you have before. He has yet to accept that he is where he is, only because HE DID what he did to get there, and won't do what is needed to get himself out of there.
All I have to offer is my own prayer for when it gets too much.
Lord, you made (name), I leave you to fix them.
You also made me, Lord. I ask you to fix me.
God bless
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My xah did all kinds of whining, threatening, begging, pitiful me stuff through out this. Oh the drama! I just ignored it for the most part and didn't offer any advice etc. I probably helped more then I should but I'm still feeling OK about it. For instance - his phone is on my plan and I did not pull that. I wanted to be able to call him, and I wanted a phone there when the kids were there. I could have taken the phone and given it to the kids but I chose not to. Anyway - I didn't pay any attention to his 'homeless, now I have a terrible apartment, I have no food, I can't eat, no gas, blah blah blah'. I just ignored it entirely and I'm glad I did. I was never worried about suicide, thank heaven's, but if that would have been an issue I'd have called the proper mental health authority.
If giving advice worked he'd have been sober by now so aim for detachment. Wishing you the best in this stressful time.
If giving advice worked he'd have been sober by now so aim for detachment. Wishing you the best in this stressful time.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I did it. I stayed detached--for the most part. Tuesday was my birthday and I had told my kids we could go to the local diner for dinner (they have great shakes!). STBXAH works Wed. night at a restaurant about 2 blocks down. I drove through the public parking lot where he works on the way home (it was not out of the way) and noticed his van was there.
So it was a full-blown poor pitiful me attempt to get me to do something for him--who knows what. I did give it up to my HP early afternoon yesterday. Decided to pick up the kids and go have a blast at the diner--and I did not feel guilty that I did. So there is some improvement.
STBXAH showed up at the house this morning and was all chipper and fine. My guess is he found someone to drink with last night and commiserate how horrible I am. I do know that I did not cause him to be the way he is and that I am not responsible for the way he has decided to live his life. I am responsible for me and my kids. I have already asked my attorney what to do if AH has the kids for visitation and I know he is drinking/using and he said I am within my rights to pick them up and remove them from wherever he is because as of Monday he will be in contempt if he drinks or uses controlled substance 12 hours before or during visitation.
Thanks for helping me get my head on straight, for seeing the manipulation for what it was, for breathing, for the prayers. The codie is still lurking in there so it is back to meetings for me.
So it was a full-blown poor pitiful me attempt to get me to do something for him--who knows what. I did give it up to my HP early afternoon yesterday. Decided to pick up the kids and go have a blast at the diner--and I did not feel guilty that I did. So there is some improvement.
STBXAH showed up at the house this morning and was all chipper and fine. My guess is he found someone to drink with last night and commiserate how horrible I am. I do know that I did not cause him to be the way he is and that I am not responsible for the way he has decided to live his life. I am responsible for me and my kids. I have already asked my attorney what to do if AH has the kids for visitation and I know he is drinking/using and he said I am within my rights to pick them up and remove them from wherever he is because as of Monday he will be in contempt if he drinks or uses controlled substance 12 hours before or during visitation.
Thanks for helping me get my head on straight, for seeing the manipulation for what it was, for breathing, for the prayers. The codie is still lurking in there so it is back to meetings for me.
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