iwantcontrol

I think I am finally starting to let go of my need to control ABF and do things for him. I want him to do them for himself else it doesn’t mean as much anyway. I want to give him the chance to do it all by himself, but for him to know I’m there if he needs to ask for help. I had a minor victory in my own head last night when he promised to call me in a couple of hours. Well that time came and went and usually I would have called him (maybe even before the 2 hours was up), but I made a conscious decision not to. It sounds trivial but I was quite pleased with myself. It turns out he wasn’t drunk or asleep anyway, but that’s irrelevant.

He has his first (for quite a while) counselling appointment today I think and said he’d let me know how it went so I’m going to fight the urge to call him if I don’t hear anything. Last 2 times he had similar counselling he went off to the pubs in town and got really drunk and didn’t answer any of my calls. I was frantic. That isn’t going to happen this time. If he goes off and drinks he will have to deal with it himself, and get in touch when he’s ready I suppose. I hate it when that happens but I am trying to deal with it in the appropriate way instead of going mad, abandoning what I’m doing and running to find him.

I do get panicky that if he’s out drinking in pubs then he’ll end up meeting women and be so drunk he does something with one. I’m 99.9% sure he has never cheated on me and wouldn’t when sober, but when he is drunk I just don’t know how his brain works (or doesn’t work). I think he probably wouldn’t even be able to do anything, but it is something that worries me, mainly because of my own suspicious mind and paranoia but also because he lies about other things a lot and I know he’d had quite a few one night stands etc when he was going out drinking a lot.

Anyway, back to me, I’m starting to get a bit nervy about his counselling and why he hasn’t called yet, but I’m determined not to cave in. I need to keep my mind focused on work. I think even though my actions are starting to show I’m letting go, my brain is a bit behind and it’s fighting to keep hold of these damaging thoughts.

Any tips on how to let go of these obsessive thoughts? Just keep busy and stay strong I guess?

Pelican

This works for me:

Take out a piece of paper and jot down brief notes. Something like - ABF and counselor meet today.

Take the piece of paper and put it in the trash bin, purse, toilet, bra or someplace odd. Tell thyself "I am giving this to you my HP to handle" and then leave it with your HP.

Then I recite the serenity prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference


It works for me!

iwantcontrol

thanks pelican. while i don't really believe in a HP or any religion, I think the idea of writing it down and putting the note somewhere could help. Like mentally decluttering. I do wish i could see a way of using the HP concept but I just don't see how right now. Perhaps i need to search for more info on the net about this.

Insulated

i want.... I was thinking about you last night while reading the codependent no more book in the section about detaching with love. You're doing a fine job and are inspiring at staying in your hula hoop.

Summerpeach

You know that feeling you get when you feel like you just can't go on, like you just want to give up, but you get up another day and do it all over again? Well that is a higher power. I doesn't have to be a religion or a light or anything but an energy that moves you.
When you feel happy, that is your soul tapping into a great energy, a higher power.
I'm not religious at all but do know that my soul is much bigger than what I can see

Hope this helps

iwantcontrol

thanks insulated, i really appreciate that. I am going to start reading it again and join in with the discussion. I know the book helped me understand i had a codep problem when i read it the first time so it can onyl help to read it again.

iwantcontrol

thanks summerpeach, i will give it some thought as to whether i can develop my own idea of a HP. it's hard getting rid of the religious aspect in my head though. i guess when i just say i'll leave something to its own accord, in a way i'm leaving it to just being. And i guess i could see this force/energy as a HP. maybe i'm just confusing myself now. that probably makes no sense!

LaTeeDa

What helped my most was to get my own counselor and work on my own issues. Turns out there was plenty of stuff in my own life that needed my attention, and much of it had nothing at all to do with him.

L

iwantcontrol

i've actually just finished my sessions of free counselling and i have made lots of progress. i know there's a long way to go but i'm on the right road. his actions still annoy and preoccupy me too much though, i know.

Pelican

HP can stand for anything. I joke with my children that my HP is my Hewlett Packard, because it can do more than my simple mind can imagine.

Just writing it down, and giving it away to a power greater than myself (universe, tree, god) can free my mind of the obsessive thinking.