Feeling sad.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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Feeling sad.
I guess it is my day to ask for support. Been having a hard time moving forward. I am doing everything recommended and still feel very sad and lonely. Been separated for more than a year - RAh has one year -but we are not in contact anymore. He says he is at peace now and it is better this way.
I thought the point of taking a stand for myself would bring me more than an empty house, a lot of alone time, and more responsibility than I can manage - what a way to live out my later years. This is so how I did not want my life to be.
I thought the point of taking a stand for myself would bring me more than an empty house, a lot of alone time, and more responsibility than I can manage - what a way to live out my later years. This is so how I did not want my life to be.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Now that you are where you are, how would you like your life to be? What do you want to change? What do you like about your life right now?
This is something I'm struggling with right now for myself - I have no idea what I want for me! I feel if I just 'knew' what I wanted then I could start working towards it, taking those baby steps. I think I'm a little scared of 'living' since I feel I have screwed my life up so far - what if i make an even bigger mess?
Anyway, before I went off on a downer, what I was trying to say was that if you don't like how you live your life right now, you can do something about it. You have the power to change YOU.
If you've been feeling like this for a long time though, say a month, then I would suggest getting to your GP and ask for some help. Maybe counselling and temporarily taking anti depressants might help lift you out of the rut you seem to feel you're in. have a read at todays post on the Getting Past Your Past blog: Getting Past Your Past You might find it useful.
:ghug3
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i think bookwym makes a good suggestion: do you even know what kinds of things you want in your life? i find that i feel much more fullfilled, and satisfied, and happy, when i am actively engaged with the world around me, whether that be experiencing nature, going out for choir, socializing with friends or family. how about you make a list, and tackle it slowly - you might be surprised at the fact that life can be good - even great - without a partner along side you. i also think this is how we increase our feelings of self worth. volunteering for something meaningful to you (i'm starting with alateen!) would also get you outside yourself, bring value and meaning to your life.
if you can't seem to move to even do some of these things, i think that bookwym's other suggestion of needing a little help getting out of the rut may be a good idea.
:ghug3
if you can't seem to move to even do some of these things, i think that bookwym's other suggestion of needing a little help getting out of the rut may be a good idea.
:ghug3
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Kassie,
Sorry you are sad. Here are some questions to get you moving. Fill in the blanks below
What EXACTLY are you trying to move TOWARD? (be precise and spell out)
Are you waiting for the universe to tell you what your choices are? It is easy to get what you get and decide you don't like it, so think, what EXACTLY (be precise and spell out) do you think you WANT for yourself?
What are your goals, aspirations, and dreams for yourself?
Who is responsible for achieving those things?
I had this view of my life several years ago. I felt so alone and overwhelmed with everything. I recommend CHANGING this perspective of your life AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. Because what having this life-view brought me was a relationship with a man that gave me even MORE OF IT (more of having to take care of all the responsibilities ALONE, with the added responsibilities of another person, and the responsibility of the relationship. This, and the fact that this man did not meet my expectations, all made my life AGONIZINGLY painful and heartbroken and frantic (AGAIN) instead of me just feeling lonely and weak. (Please note, he was NOT alcoholic nor addicted to ANYTHING).
Here is what I learned:
-You attract INTO your life that which you think about most of the time. Change your thinking to be positive. Start noticing the little things you have to be grateful for. Then be grateful. If you are not able to do this, find other people who ARE like this and learn from them HOW to be like this.
-I believe (despite my STRONG independence and demeanor) I was looking for someone to take over my life and run it for me. Make all the decisions, handle all the dirty work, take all the blame. It really didn't matter who, to tell the truth. This gave me the opportunity to cry and say stupid things like, "See how much I LOOOOOOVE you? See all I have given up to be with you? And still you do not do the things I think you should do that indicate you "really" love me!! Boo-hoo-hoo! You don't really love me!" ad infinitum. Makes me sick to remember being this way but that's OK, I had to go through it to learn what I needed to learn, right?
-I had to ACCEPT that I had made the CHOICES that brought me all the responsibilities I wanted someone else to help me with, or take care of. I had to take 100 THOUSAND PERCENT responsibility for me, my life, and my decisions.
Have you worked Step Four? Did you originally think that "getting rid of" the alcoholic in your life would make your life better? It rarely does, because we are still stuck with ourselves.
What other feelings would you prefer to have EXACTLY? Be precise and spell out what you want to feel.
Ask youself, when "bad" things happen in your life, do they happen TO you? Or do they just happen? If you often feel things happen TO you, do some work on building an INTERNAL Locus of Control.
Sorry you are sad. Here are some questions to get you moving. Fill in the blanks below
having a hard time moving forward
Are you waiting for the universe to tell you what your choices are? It is easy to get what you get and decide you don't like it, so think, what EXACTLY (be precise and spell out) do you think you WANT for yourself?
What are your goals, aspirations, and dreams for yourself?
Who is responsible for achieving those things?
an empty house, a lot of alone time, and more responsibility than I can manage. This is so how I did not want my life to be.
Here is what I learned:
-You attract INTO your life that which you think about most of the time. Change your thinking to be positive. Start noticing the little things you have to be grateful for. Then be grateful. If you are not able to do this, find other people who ARE like this and learn from them HOW to be like this.
-I believe (despite my STRONG independence and demeanor) I was looking for someone to take over my life and run it for me. Make all the decisions, handle all the dirty work, take all the blame. It really didn't matter who, to tell the truth. This gave me the opportunity to cry and say stupid things like, "See how much I LOOOOOOVE you? See all I have given up to be with you? And still you do not do the things I think you should do that indicate you "really" love me!! Boo-hoo-hoo! You don't really love me!" ad infinitum. Makes me sick to remember being this way but that's OK, I had to go through it to learn what I needed to learn, right?
-I had to ACCEPT that I had made the CHOICES that brought me all the responsibilities I wanted someone else to help me with, or take care of. I had to take 100 THOUSAND PERCENT responsibility for me, my life, and my decisions.
Have you worked Step Four? Did you originally think that "getting rid of" the alcoholic in your life would make your life better? It rarely does, because we are still stuck with ourselves.
still feel very sad and lonely
Ask youself, when "bad" things happen in your life, do they happen TO you? Or do they just happen? If you often feel things happen TO you, do some work on building an INTERNAL Locus of Control.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh, one more thing I thought of that might help....
Acceptance: I had to learn and accept my limitations. I had to stop biting off more than I could chew. I had to learn to say no when people ask me to do things for them beyond what I am able. I had to learn how to stop volunteering to take things on that do not belong to me. I had to learn how to stop doing for others without being asked (still working on this one; it FEELS really weird, feels selfish actually).
Letting Go: I had to simplify my life. I had to learn how to let go of all the stuff in my life that I did not absolutely LOVE and/or NEED. I had to be tougher in my evaluations of what I NEED versus what I WANT. I had to identify who and what were complicating my life and then remove them completely. I had to learn to make the healthier decisions.
Control: I had to start being SELF-PROTECTIVE and SELF-PRESERVATIVE (Not sure if that is the right word) by focusing more on ME and my needs and LESS on everyone else and THEIR needs. I had to lose the guilt I felt (and still feel) whenever someone else did something for me. I had to lose the shame I felt (and still feel) for being ME.
I am learning to stand up and say my first name OUT LOUD.
Acceptance: I had to learn and accept my limitations. I had to stop biting off more than I could chew. I had to learn to say no when people ask me to do things for them beyond what I am able. I had to learn how to stop volunteering to take things on that do not belong to me. I had to learn how to stop doing for others without being asked (still working on this one; it FEELS really weird, feels selfish actually).
Letting Go: I had to simplify my life. I had to learn how to let go of all the stuff in my life that I did not absolutely LOVE and/or NEED. I had to be tougher in my evaluations of what I NEED versus what I WANT. I had to identify who and what were complicating my life and then remove them completely. I had to learn to make the healthier decisions.
Control: I had to start being SELF-PROTECTIVE and SELF-PRESERVATIVE (Not sure if that is the right word) by focusing more on ME and my needs and LESS on everyone else and THEIR needs. I had to lose the guilt I felt (and still feel) whenever someone else did something for me. I had to lose the shame I felt (and still feel) for being ME.
I am learning to stand up and say my first name OUT LOUD.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
I have no idea if you will even relate to this or not, but it's what came to me when I read your post.
One of my most destructive character traits is that I let fear control me. I find myself WANTING to do something, even talking about doing it, but I have a way of talking myself out of it. Especially anything I haven't done before, don't know if I can do, or is scary in some way. I am averse to taking risks. Not financial risks, mind you (although those scare me too), but personal risks. Doing something that holds the possibility of failure.
But, anytime I have actually faced my fears and done whatever thing I am scared to do, I feel so empowered. Even if I don't do it perfectly, or it turns out badly, I still feel good. You would think those good feelings would motivate me the next time I face something scary. Nope, I still hem and haw and try to talk myself out of it. I swear the anxiety I create in myself trying to avoid the fear is worse than the fear itself! I really have to force myself out of my comfort zone. And I still struggle with it EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Think about the things you want to do. Are there tasks, hobbies, classes, or anything else you would like to try, but fear is holding you back?
L
One of my most destructive character traits is that I let fear control me. I find myself WANTING to do something, even talking about doing it, but I have a way of talking myself out of it. Especially anything I haven't done before, don't know if I can do, or is scary in some way. I am averse to taking risks. Not financial risks, mind you (although those scare me too), but personal risks. Doing something that holds the possibility of failure.
But, anytime I have actually faced my fears and done whatever thing I am scared to do, I feel so empowered. Even if I don't do it perfectly, or it turns out badly, I still feel good. You would think those good feelings would motivate me the next time I face something scary. Nope, I still hem and haw and try to talk myself out of it. I swear the anxiety I create in myself trying to avoid the fear is worse than the fear itself! I really have to force myself out of my comfort zone. And I still struggle with it EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Think about the things you want to do. Are there tasks, hobbies, classes, or anything else you would like to try, but fear is holding you back?
L
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
THanks everyone for the responses!
Don't know what to say I have been reading for awhile here - learning all the time. Doing everything I can - I have been blessed in many ways so I can't really complain - but the happily ever after dream of living out my later years with the man I love just seems to escape me. I just wanted a simple life of a loving close knit family and helping others as much as I can.
Don't know what to say I have been reading for awhile here - learning all the time. Doing everything I can - I have been blessed in many ways so I can't really complain - but the happily ever after dream of living out my later years with the man I love just seems to escape me. I just wanted a simple life of a loving close knit family and helping others as much as I can.
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Originally Posted by Kassie2 
the happily ever after dream of living out my later years with the man I love just seems to escape me. I just wanted a simple life of a loving close knit family and helping others as much as I can.
That doesn't have to mean not being happy, though. I learned to use different words when I talked to myself. I turned my desires into "preferences." I would have "preferred" to grow old with my husband in a happy marriage. It just didn't work out that way. Now I have some more preferences, but I know I will still be okay, and even happy if I don't get them either.
When we make our happiness conditional on somebody else doing things our way, or life turning out the way we want it to, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. When we allow that sometimes things go differently than what we wanted or expected, we can adapt.
Maybe the key to happiness is not getting what you want. Maybe it's accepting gracefully and gratefully what live gives you. And making the absolute best of it for the short time we are here on this planet........
L
P.S. There is no "happily ever after" in real life. That's a fairy tale.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Originally Posted by Kassie2
Don't know what to say I have been reading for awhile here - learning all the time. Doing everything I can - I have been blessed in many ways so I can't really complain - but the happily ever after dream of living out my later years with the man I love just seems to escape me. I just wanted a simple life of a loving close knit family and helping others as much as I can.
Not at all true, as it turns out.
But even if I never found someone deserving to be with, I built myself a life where I felt needed and loved. I brought my gifts to my community in service work, developed beautiful close friendships, and really worked hard at finding out why god/HP had dropped me down here on this earth.
As soon as it didn't matter any more whether I ever "paired" again, then I started attracting healthy men. In multiples.
I'm sorry you're sad...it's normal to mourn something you emotionally invested yourself in.
But there's a lot of life left ahead. People of all kinds are waiting to cross paths with you and share your particular kind of light.
Big hugs,
GL
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Hey Kassie,
Everyone has already said so many helpful things. But I want to let you know I'm hoping you'll get through this.
I can understand how the pain waxes and wanes...and how frustrating it is to still feel sad just when you thought you were starting to feel healthy again. I do believe that those days will become less and less frequent....But right now it seems like you're still in the processing stage...a year isn't that long, really.
It really helps to visit friends. Plan a fun get together with friends maybe...send out an invitation in the mail or through the net..Make them commit to coming so you're forced to plan out the rest of it! (I know I'd even want to go out for my birthday, but I had to because everyone was counting on me to come) And I did the unthinkable. I had fun!!! I think this is a good strategy to use because you can build up the excitement if you plan in advance...
I battle depression sometimes and the one thing that ALWAYS helps is to remember "the only constant is change." No matter how depressed I feel...things are changing, happening EVERYDAY. So you never know what is going to happen. I bet your spending a lot of time in the past in your head, or the future...As hard as it is focus on the now. But if you must daydream about the past or future. Dream up something positive!
No future with A? How about yeah, okay...what can my future really look like? Expand your thoughts to not feel so stuck. Imagine exciting things happening!
I hope that helps. Everyone else put it so well.
Maybe make some changes in your environment. Rearrange your furniture. Take different routes. LOL I know these are so remedial, but I just don't want to see ya get stuck. Cuz I know when I am down I just don't want to step out, so to speak. Do something unusual to spark creativity and build confidence. Something new!
Everyone has already said so many helpful things. But I want to let you know I'm hoping you'll get through this.
I can understand how the pain waxes and wanes...and how frustrating it is to still feel sad just when you thought you were starting to feel healthy again. I do believe that those days will become less and less frequent....But right now it seems like you're still in the processing stage...a year isn't that long, really.
It really helps to visit friends. Plan a fun get together with friends maybe...send out an invitation in the mail or through the net..Make them commit to coming so you're forced to plan out the rest of it! (I know I'd even want to go out for my birthday, but I had to because everyone was counting on me to come) And I did the unthinkable. I had fun!!! I think this is a good strategy to use because you can build up the excitement if you plan in advance...
I battle depression sometimes and the one thing that ALWAYS helps is to remember "the only constant is change." No matter how depressed I feel...things are changing, happening EVERYDAY. So you never know what is going to happen. I bet your spending a lot of time in the past in your head, or the future...As hard as it is focus on the now. But if you must daydream about the past or future. Dream up something positive!
No future with A? How about yeah, okay...what can my future really look like? Expand your thoughts to not feel so stuck. Imagine exciting things happening!
I hope that helps. Everyone else put it so well.
Maybe make some changes in your environment. Rearrange your furniture. Take different routes. LOL I know these are so remedial, but I just don't want to see ya get stuck. Cuz I know when I am down I just don't want to step out, so to speak. Do something unusual to spark creativity and build confidence. Something new!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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your replies are wonderful as usual. but from my past experience, life does work out for me the way it does for others - my wishes hopes and dreams dont make any difference.
I think I am bothered but the fact that others strive very little to have the things I want and I work hard for what I have and don't ever quite achieve it. You all offer words that seem to work for everyone else but me. I think that is what really gets me down at this point in my life. When I was younger it was always easy to find the energy and hope to try something else. But I realized that my whole life I have been achieving many things that others don't ever realize just to pass the time while I wait for what I have really wanted. Seems a bit spoiled view but it is really frustrating to be so capable except where it really matters to me.
I think I am bothered but the fact that others strive very little to have the things I want and I work hard for what I have and don't ever quite achieve it. You all offer words that seem to work for everyone else but me. I think that is what really gets me down at this point in my life. When I was younger it was always easy to find the energy and hope to try something else. But I realized that my whole life I have been achieving many things that others don't ever realize just to pass the time while I wait for what I have really wanted. Seems a bit spoiled view but it is really frustrating to be so capable except where it really matters to me.
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I wrote this three years ago in another thread:
Maybe you think that this "doesn't apply to you" or whatever. But, if you really think about it, it applies to all of us. Being unhappy because someone else "has it easier" or "gets what they want" is really just a form of beating yourself up. Why can't I have it, too? Why does so-and-so get what they want but I don't? It's all about how you view your life. Is it one big ole disappointment? Or is it an adventure yet to be discovered? The same life can be something good to one person, and something bad to another. Which one are you?
L
This is exactly what I mean by making your happiness dependent on someone else.
Have you ever known one of those people who it seems like everything always goes their way? Even when something seemingly bad happens to them, it always seems to work out for the best? And they are usually happy and peaceful and generally in good spirits? And you think to yourself, well geez, if everything always worked out for me, I would be happy and peaceful, too!
What if the reason things always seem to work out for them is because they are happy and peaceful? What if things always go their way because they are in sync with the universe instead of opposing and resisting it? What if it's because they are grateful for what they have and gladly take the riches life offers them instead of insisting on certain outcomes? What if it's because they are happily enjoying the journey instead of trying to get to some preconceived destination?
Just something I've been pondering lately..................
Have you ever known one of those people who it seems like everything always goes their way? Even when something seemingly bad happens to them, it always seems to work out for the best? And they are usually happy and peaceful and generally in good spirits? And you think to yourself, well geez, if everything always worked out for me, I would be happy and peaceful, too!
What if the reason things always seem to work out for them is because they are happy and peaceful? What if things always go their way because they are in sync with the universe instead of opposing and resisting it? What if it's because they are grateful for what they have and gladly take the riches life offers them instead of insisting on certain outcomes? What if it's because they are happily enjoying the journey instead of trying to get to some preconceived destination?
Just something I've been pondering lately..................
L
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