WOW, A NEW LOW. I am embarassed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 39
WOW, A NEW LOW. I am embarassed
Hi all, I just had to post this. I got home a few hours ago from a medical procedure that had me out. My family and friends say my stomach issues are a result of my worries over my ex drug and alcoholic....
Please imagine this moment with me. I don't drink and don't smoke and knew only what I saw on TV of drugs okay, so I wake up in recovery with a nurse calling my name. I was gagging and I realized I was covered in tears and sick to the point of vomiting before coming too. Why was I crying? the inoocent nurse asks. I tell her ( without really knowing what the heck I was saying) I am sooooooooooo sad. My ex is a crack and alcoholic and I leave him in silence for three months and cave my love for him is killing me???? WHAT IN THE WORLD. HOW EMBARRASSING?
I was doing well over three months of no contact for three months and than he called at work to say he got me a b-day card. called to check on it and I caved. I love his voice and I was so lonley for him and it was my b-day. I thought it could be my present....he is back to the same thing. Telling me he cares about me and has not been seeeing anyone and does not want me to get over him and I am so special to him and yet when I said IF NOTHING
CHANGES NOTHING CHANGES...what has changed he could not say much.
Friends, I love him and have forgiven him for things that no other man on this planet could get close to doing and yet I am sick without him and kinda sick with him. truth be told on the days I have contact with him I smile and seem to have more hope. He is far away and I don't see him but I think I need him to know he is killing me
Please imagine this moment with me. I don't drink and don't smoke and knew only what I saw on TV of drugs okay, so I wake up in recovery with a nurse calling my name. I was gagging and I realized I was covered in tears and sick to the point of vomiting before coming too. Why was I crying? the inoocent nurse asks. I tell her ( without really knowing what the heck I was saying) I am sooooooooooo sad. My ex is a crack and alcoholic and I leave him in silence for three months and cave my love for him is killing me???? WHAT IN THE WORLD. HOW EMBARRASSING?
I was doing well over three months of no contact for three months and than he called at work to say he got me a b-day card. called to check on it and I caved. I love his voice and I was so lonley for him and it was my b-day. I thought it could be my present....he is back to the same thing. Telling me he cares about me and has not been seeeing anyone and does not want me to get over him and I am so special to him and yet when I said IF NOTHING
CHANGES NOTHING CHANGES...what has changed he could not say much.
Friends, I love him and have forgiven him for things that no other man on this planet could get close to doing and yet I am sick without him and kinda sick with him. truth be told on the days I have contact with him I smile and seem to have more hope. He is far away and I don't see him but I think I need him to know he is killing me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 39
I am embarrased because I have become so good at pretending that all is well at work with people etc. No one would think I would be in this situations....you know. blah blah you are too smart to pretty etc. Even the dr. said you need someone new you are a beatufiul woman. Does any one understand I don't want somone new
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Aww, sweetheart. Take strength. Your feelings are never something to be ashamed of.
I don't think you need to tell HIM he is killing you.
Detach. Breathe.
The other thing to give yourself a break on is: You have to do the roller coaster till you're ready to be done.
That doesn't make you a dork or a fool; it makes you human. You are doing what you have to do to learn. It will take as long as it takes till you are ready. That's okay.
Meanwhile, what are you doing to cultivate YOU and the support of you so when you feel the feelings of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired) you can go to your recovery resources instead of going to him?
Consider, as a master athlete does, previewing in your mind the merry-go-round situation where you get lonely (or however you feel) and are overcome with needing him. Feel how it feels. Make it as real as possible. Then come up with solutions to survive the experience without taking action that will cause more suffering. What are those other options?
You know we are here for you!
w
I don't think you need to tell HIM he is killing you.
You need to tell YOU.
Telling him ANYTHING is you hooking him in.Detach. Breathe.
The other thing to give yourself a break on is: You have to do the roller coaster till you're ready to be done.
That doesn't make you a dork or a fool; it makes you human. You are doing what you have to do to learn. It will take as long as it takes till you are ready. That's okay.
Meanwhile, what are you doing to cultivate YOU and the support of you so when you feel the feelings of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired) you can go to your recovery resources instead of going to him?
Consider, as a master athlete does, previewing in your mind the merry-go-round situation where you get lonely (or however you feel) and are overcome with needing him. Feel how it feels. Make it as real as possible. Then come up with solutions to survive the experience without taking action that will cause more suffering. What are those other options?
You know we are here for you!
w
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Nothing is going to change if you keep talking to him. It's just going to keep you all upset and wallowing around in misery. I'm not sure what hold this guy has on you, but Anvil is right...this sure ain't love.
Take care of yourself. Get yourself well physically and then do whatever it takes to get yourself well mentally. You don't need this guy and there's no telling what wonderful guy out there you're letting get away by wasting time crying over some guy who doesn't deserve you.
Take care of yourself. Get yourself well physically and then do whatever it takes to get yourself well mentally. You don't need this guy and there's no telling what wonderful guy out there you're letting get away by wasting time crying over some guy who doesn't deserve you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Honey, how many times have you said to your ex, "crack and alcohol is killing you"?
You seem as much addicted to this toxic man, as he is to his toxic addictions.
Time to enter your Rehab and get clean of him, by every means possible.
Rehab for you is possibly using Alanon, a counsellor/therapist, SR forums, reading all you can and above all, realising that you are in charge of your life, you have no control over anyone else.
God bless
You seem as much addicted to this toxic man, as he is to his toxic addictions.
Time to enter your Rehab and get clean of him, by every means possible.
Rehab for you is possibly using Alanon, a counsellor/therapist, SR forums, reading all you can and above all, realising that you are in charge of your life, you have no control over anyone else.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
The recovery room nurses are used to people waking up saying real bizarre things. My XAH used lots of hooks to drag me back in until I realized what he was doing. He was saying my cat needed food......(the outdoor cat the neighbor feeds) where he lives. I moved but he knows I love that halfwild cat. He would use sex, or guilt as hooks. Have you researched codependence? I am a code. Alanon and "no contact" will help you gain a healthy perspective.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
you are not alone ! I had a procedure a few years ago when we were breaking up - the urgency and suddness of the surgery shook me into reality and realizing that the reason I was so sick was b/c I was so focused on my AH and not on me. i remember waking up from surgery and crying also b/c I had lived - I asked for a psych consult and was told they only had chaplins - told her the story and she prayed with me. later I was embarrassed that I let someone else affect me that way. took back control over my life - still working on it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Please don't be embarrassed here. I HAVE DONE THE SAME THING, cried and cried to EVERYONE, told them all the stories, for YEARS, in AT LEAST TWO different relationships. I ran out of people to tell the same old story to. They were so sick of hearing it, I know my sister wanted to SHAKE me silly. It took a LONG time. I don't know how my family put up with me. You can try to hide it from others at work if you need to, etc, but it is just fine to come here and post what you are doing, and what you are going through. You HAVE to go through this. I know it is hard; but you HAVE to. Life is a journey and this is your journey. It is OKAY to feel what you are feeling. Just don't forget to breathe.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by sosad09 
truth be told on the days I have contact with him I smile and seem to have more hope.
you have some hope, and you feel a spring in your step on the days you have contact with him....but, have you forgotten what will follow? NOW you feel hopeful, but it is an illusion! have you really forgotten the other days, the dark, heavy dread in the pit of your stomach, the constant anxiety, where nothing you do makes it lessen, the restless nights, the times where he was in the same room but not really there? this is the roller coaster that i'm SURE you want to get off of. just because there are those times where you feel a littler happy, a bit smiley, and have hope -- there are more of those other days to come if you repeat this pattern.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
When I was with XABF I had all sorts of funny aches.... funny how ALL of them DISAPPEARED when I went No contact!
Now I save that money that I used to spend on docs, medicines etc... then I use it for SHOES and CONCERTS and SPA TREATMENTS
Now I save that money that I used to spend on docs, medicines etc... then I use it for SHOES and CONCERTS and SPA TREATMENTS
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Sosad-
It is that ONE contact from them that will put us into a tailspin! I know exactly what you mean! And I am once again coming down from the rollercoaster of emotion that the one contact can do.
And already I am feeling calmer, a little more peaceful and serene. TakingCharge is soooo right..... those feelings of anxiety start to go away again when you commit to NO CONTACT. It's the only way.
I have been up and down up and down lately wondering when, if I will hear from him again...why!!??? I took a personal day today to get some of my thoughts together. I am staying away from things that bring me pain. And focusing some attention here, and committing to journaling everyday.
I love what Coffeedrinker said too! Don't forget the dark days! As much as I want to get past this pain, I don't want to forget it because I never ever want to put myself in the position of feeling this way again!
I love what everyone here says!
And don't feel bad about waking up and letting it out to the nurse. True story....I had something done a few years ago, and as soon as I woke up after surgery, I came to saying how hot I thought the anesthesiologist was, and if he was single...and I kept asking them to go get him to say goodbye to me! LOL Yeah, they hear ALL kinds of stuff. Don't even worry about it.
He did NOT come say goodbye.
It is that ONE contact from them that will put us into a tailspin! I know exactly what you mean! And I am once again coming down from the rollercoaster of emotion that the one contact can do.
And already I am feeling calmer, a little more peaceful and serene. TakingCharge is soooo right..... those feelings of anxiety start to go away again when you commit to NO CONTACT. It's the only way.
I have been up and down up and down lately wondering when, if I will hear from him again...why!!??? I took a personal day today to get some of my thoughts together. I am staying away from things that bring me pain. And focusing some attention here, and committing to journaling everyday.
I love what Coffeedrinker said too! Don't forget the dark days! As much as I want to get past this pain, I don't want to forget it because I never ever want to put myself in the position of feeling this way again!
I love what everyone here says!
And don't feel bad about waking up and letting it out to the nurse. True story....I had something done a few years ago, and as soon as I woke up after surgery, I came to saying how hot I thought the anesthesiologist was, and if he was single...and I kept asking them to go get him to say goodbye to me! LOL Yeah, they hear ALL kinds of stuff. Don't even worry about it.
He did NOT come say goodbye.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
Oh man... I can relate, too. Just like everyone here.
I go No Contact, then he pops up. Then I go No Contact again, then I cave in. It's a process I think we all have to go through. Each time, I realize a little quicker how ridiculous it is... this putting so much energy into a bad situation.
Yeah, I love him. BUT...
In the last month, I've had THREE healthcare professionals (doctor, dentist, and personal trainer) that my stress level is going to do permanent damage if I don't get it under control. What they don't know is the cause of the stress is HIM and this alcoholic nightmare roller coaster. My body is doing it's best to tell me that this situation is TOXIC TO ME and I need to stop.
A few months ago, I had to have a scary biopsy (had breast cancer a few years ago and doc found a lump, thank goodness it was nothing). He was overseas, but we still spoke/Skype'd often... but on that day? He was nowhere to be found. He didn't check in with me until two days later, his excuse was that his mom had died from breast cancer and he didn't think I realized how hard this really was for him. At the time, I felt so bad for him... like I was so selfish to not realize this. As I type this, I want to smack my own self in the face!!! What was I thinking???
Yes, I still wake up thinking of him. I probably will for a long time. Do most of my friends think I am over him? Yes. Am I? Absolutely not. But I am working on it, every minute of every day. I know if I keep at it, I will make it out of this insanity and feel whole again.
And so will you.
You're not alone... xoxo
I go No Contact, then he pops up. Then I go No Contact again, then I cave in. It's a process I think we all have to go through. Each time, I realize a little quicker how ridiculous it is... this putting so much energy into a bad situation.
Yeah, I love him. BUT...
In the last month, I've had THREE healthcare professionals (doctor, dentist, and personal trainer) that my stress level is going to do permanent damage if I don't get it under control. What they don't know is the cause of the stress is HIM and this alcoholic nightmare roller coaster. My body is doing it's best to tell me that this situation is TOXIC TO ME and I need to stop.
A few months ago, I had to have a scary biopsy (had breast cancer a few years ago and doc found a lump, thank goodness it was nothing). He was overseas, but we still spoke/Skype'd often... but on that day? He was nowhere to be found. He didn't check in with me until two days later, his excuse was that his mom had died from breast cancer and he didn't think I realized how hard this really was for him. At the time, I felt so bad for him... like I was so selfish to not realize this. As I type this, I want to smack my own self in the face!!! What was I thinking???
Yes, I still wake up thinking of him. I probably will for a long time. Do most of my friends think I am over him? Yes. Am I? Absolutely not. But I am working on it, every minute of every day. I know if I keep at it, I will make it out of this insanity and feel whole again.
And so will you.
You're not alone... xoxo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Oh yes, I've been there...every single time I need something the A disappears. There's always an excuse I'm supposed to understand, and when I "don't understand" then I'm "not accepting of who (they) are".
It's so validating to read this. Hang in there, Sosad. I can totally understand the heartbreak even though he has done so many things that you wouldn't expect yourself to tolerate. And I agree that the nurses/docs hear all kinds of things when people are coming to. Our unconscious comes forward when we least expect it sometimes! Try to laugh about it, and commend yourself for being honest with yourself about how you feel.
Hugs,
pp
It's so validating to read this. Hang in there, Sosad. I can totally understand the heartbreak even though he has done so many things that you wouldn't expect yourself to tolerate. And I agree that the nurses/docs hear all kinds of things when people are coming to. Our unconscious comes forward when we least expect it sometimes! Try to laugh about it, and commend yourself for being honest with yourself about how you feel.
Hugs,
pp
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
klm said:
STRESS KILLS. I am serious. SOON you HAVE TO stop it before it kills you! I think this is what I meant earlier today when I used the word "self-preservation."
I know!!! The same situation here! But get this: At least the person in your case had an excuse: HE was alcoholic! The guy I was with wasn't. He was just plain SOCIOPATHIC! What a lesson that was for me to learn: They don't have to be alcoholic or addicted to drugs to be selfish a$$hole$!
Thanks for sharing.
THREE healthcare professionals ... my stress level is going to do permanent damage if I don't get it under control. My body is doing it's best to tell me that this situation is TOXIC TO ME and I need to stop.
A few months ago, I had to have a scary biopsy .. He was nowhere to be found. He didn't check in with me until two days later, his excuse was ... At the time, I felt so bad for him... like I was so selfish to not realize this. As I type this, I want to smack my own self in the face!!! What was I thinking???
Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Jordan, MN
Posts: 91
Been there; done that. I used a red marker and X'd off the days that I was able to do the No Contact - 24 hours at a time. I deleted his texts without reading them and I deleted the voicemails from him without listening to them. I spent the time working on myself - and it was so empowering!
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