Worrying about xabf
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Worrying about xabf
It's only been a little over a week since nc and a few weeks since I've seen him. It seems like forever. I'm worrying about him. I'm worried that he decided to give up and just start drinking all the time again. I'm worried that he's going to choose the path that will ruin his whole life, a path he won't recover from.
I love him. I don't want him to have a horrible life. I don't want him to shorten his life with drinking.
I get scared and want to call just to hear his voice to know he's ok. But I know he's probably not ok and there's nothing I can do about it.
It's such a helpless feeling.
I love him. I don't want him to have a horrible life. I don't want him to shorten his life with drinking.
I get scared and want to call just to hear his voice to know he's ok. But I know he's probably not ok and there's nothing I can do about it.
It's such a helpless feeling.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
I know that feeling well KeepPedaling. First time I broke up with my ex I was sure he was fine (saw him a few days after the break to exchange things) and he then went on a week long bender. Second time, he was in such a state that I wondered whether I should call one of his friends to let him know what had been going on. He had been arrested not long before and clearly wasn't in good shape.
I thought that -someone- needed to be worrying about him. I shake my head at that now. I started going to Al-anon instead and am glad that I just detached. A month later I found out that he had started seeing someone about a week after the split and had a new lease on life. Was happier than he'd been in months etc. etc. Ran into him two months after that and he really did look great - no more bloating, eyes clear, back in shape. Incredibly painful and confusing. Maybe more painful that he was doing well - I wondered whether I really had .... caused it ;-) Back to Al-anon. I felt so stupid for worrying about someone who seemed to be in better shape than I was.
Whether we're there to worry/monitor/fret doesn't matter. All I know for sure is that trying to keep up with the A, or where they're at, whether you're together or not, is painful and frustrating. If he decides to drink all the time again, maybe it will lead to a bottom that will make him want to take responsibility for himself. Only thing I know for sure is that until they reach that point, everything we say sounds to the alcoholic like reverse quacking.
Hang in there, sending hugs.
SL.
I thought that -someone- needed to be worrying about him. I shake my head at that now. I started going to Al-anon instead and am glad that I just detached. A month later I found out that he had started seeing someone about a week after the split and had a new lease on life. Was happier than he'd been in months etc. etc. Ran into him two months after that and he really did look great - no more bloating, eyes clear, back in shape. Incredibly painful and confusing. Maybe more painful that he was doing well - I wondered whether I really had .... caused it ;-) Back to Al-anon. I felt so stupid for worrying about someone who seemed to be in better shape than I was.
Whether we're there to worry/monitor/fret doesn't matter. All I know for sure is that trying to keep up with the A, or where they're at, whether you're together or not, is painful and frustrating. If he decides to drink all the time again, maybe it will lead to a bottom that will make him want to take responsibility for himself. Only thing I know for sure is that until they reach that point, everything we say sounds to the alcoholic like reverse quacking.
Hang in there, sending hugs.
SL.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 61
Tell you what, dear KP, how about you make a Worry Box, and every time a new, different worry pops into your mind, you write it down on a scrap of paper and drop it in the box? Be sure to tell yourself that you will not worry any longer about it now, but will worry about it tomorrow instead. 
I've been struggling with those types of preoccupations as well, but know that no good can come of the worrying. It is emotionally, mentally and even physically draining. It yields no desired results and wields no power over him. It's about as close to any sense of control we've got, I suppose, in circumstances in which truly we have no control....
Another thing that helps is to write down the *good* thoughts you have or things that others share with you here, in Alanon, or books you're reading, so when a moment of fear begins to clutch at you, you can read the thoughts and hopefully allay the fear.
Love,
jc
I've been struggling with those types of preoccupations as well, but know that no good can come of the worrying. It is emotionally, mentally and even physically draining. It yields no desired results and wields no power over him. It's about as close to any sense of control we've got, I suppose, in circumstances in which truly we have no control....
Another thing that helps is to write down the *good* thoughts you have or things that others share with you here, in Alanon, or books you're reading, so when a moment of fear begins to clutch at you, you can read the thoughts and hopefully allay the fear.
Love,
jc
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