CAPTAINZING2000

trust, respect are as important as love. Not sure how a person can have a healthy relationship with out it. Like cancer, you hope the cheating is in remission and doesn't spread. By the same token if he respects you, he's not going to be cheating on you either.

IamSaved

I am not sure about that either. He has no respect for himself, how could I have expected him to have any for me?

It's really very sad, and the more I read, the more I see how absolutely connected all of us are in this terrible cycle of addiction.

If only love were enough to make my A stop, and make him want to build a loving, sober life with me. If only...but we all know that sometimes, love just isn't enough. And when you walk away from someone you love, who is addicted, the pain is tenfold. Because you lost someone you never even had, or ever knew.

Trust, love, companionship, all wonderful things we crave as humans. But, when we are involved with an addict, these basic things are twisted into a pretzel. And it feels, to me, that we as the ones that love the addict, get left behind by them because they really can't face how much they hurt us. Easier to blame us, leave us behind, and swim in their own pool of self-hate and self-loathing. That is all they know, and blaming us for leaving them is easier than looking in the mirror and saying...I AM AN ADDICT. My life is falling apart because of the choices I MAKE!

Summerpeach

A PERFECT explaination of the reality of being with an addict.

Everything an addict does, unless they are working a serious program, is always twisted.

TakingCharge999

Oh yes it is much worse than breaking up with a "normie". At least you know the great moments were fully lived with other ex's.

IN my case the ex bfs, or myself have come back to ask forgiveness, and get it, and we are able to say "are we good? yes we are good" MEAN IT, then go on with our lives. Even after a few years. Healing those breakups is sooo much easier than with an active alcoholic. This... oh, to me it felt as if I let in my heart a madman with a razor, and couldn't stop crying.

But it gets much better. I'm happier and stronger and you will be too! you seem to be doing well. I have no doubt you will heal. Breathe and know, he is in HP's hands, and more importantly YOU are in his hands. Everything happened as it was supposed to. Forget the "shoulds". HP has better things for you, you DONT know better than HP do you trust HP? does it really sink in HP is ALWAYS looking after you?

I'm so glad we got so many resources for daily healing and SR is one of them. Its been a year and a half and sometimes I get stuck again but now that I am back to sanity and know how it looks like, I know addiction was a catalyst for me to change MY life and take MYSELF and MY happiness seriously. I wouldn't trade myself for who I was then or the years before. I feel I was floating midair, and after leaving an addicted person I am finally coming down back to Earth and feeling alive and happy to be ME, able to love and enjoy a sunset, to share my heart with honest people, to laugh and trust better people. One day.. one realizes losses were really gains, goodbyes are also hellos, and "midnight is where the day begins" (I just love that phrase from a U2 song!"

HUGS

TakingCharge999

CAPTAIN, thank you, thank you for that question. In my case my answer is NO IN A MILLION YEARS. Thank you for reminding me I really don't want that person near me and that its magical thinking to imagine trust can ever be rebuilt. DEAD END, got your chance buddy, you ruined it, now I take with me what you didn't want. Its mine and its still worthy regardless of YOU

IamSaved

Amen to that!

CAPTAINZING2000

I think, you can learn to forgive maybe not forget though. If, it's a one time deal. Since we have substance abuse with grr I'd have to go look again with was it denial over abusing. I do believe this to be true. I was a drunken a hole Take the alcohol away, I can still be an A hole.

Seems to be true from what I know about being around the tables, we have more problems then drinking and drugging

MissFixit

You are not alone. Mine lied to me for 5 or 6 months while cheating with another woman and later marrying her. It hurt on many levels, but does get easier with time.

TakingCharge999

Thanks Captain, that is what ppl said to me in AA "when we drink we are worth nothing ...it was good you left and get as away as possible". It is very very powerful when a recovering or recovered alcoholic tells you that in the eye, they KNOW... and yes the drink gets too much credit!

Thanks for sharing MissFixIt and me are about the same "generation" and its great to see myself in her posts... a year before the posts were VERY different !! well I still go back to codieland once in a while but we are cheering you... its as if I can see your future .. I say it looks GREAT IF you stay NC.

Go NC. It was all a bad dream.. only a dream (or nightmare I would say ) Learn stuff, then keep on walking...

CAPTAINZING2000

We''ve not got a lot in the way of Al Anon around here shame too. I need to go. I can read someone's post and give you a clue as to how I was thinking.

My whole family has problems with alcohol

I do believe, it's genetics