This place is my sanctuary..'others' just don't understand!
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This place is my sanctuary..'others' just don't understand!
I am so glad I stumbled on this forum.
I made the very difficult decision to leave my ABF on Feb 5th. I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment, relieved. One moment, sad. One moment, angry.
We have had NC since I left. A part of me is grateful, a part of me is hurt! I am reading on this forum that the A's will call, beg, plead, text, email, leave vmail BEGGING to be taken back.
My A has done NONE of these things. It's like HE deleted ME! Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? I should be on my knees, thanking God that he is not putting me through all that, but in a sad, sick way, it would validate my leaving, and that he misses me!
In moments of clarity, I am grateful that I had the strength and courage to leave. I would have spent a lifetime in the web of his addiction, his lies, his deceit and his pain. I would have given up MY dreams for his non-existent ones.
In moments of sadness and loneliness, I miss him. I miss his 'presence' in my life. I miss our conversations, our interactions, and the companionship.
Then, the moment passes, and I do NOT miss the DRUNKEN conversations, DRUNKEN interaction..and DRUNKEN COMPANIONSHIP.
Do I want to hear from him? YES. Do I want him to validate my feelings of loss? YES. Do I need him to miss me? YES! YES! YES!
BUT
He cannot do any of those things for me. The man I loved, the one that I believed loved me, is the one I will hold onto in my mind. That man misses me, and he thinks about me when he lays in OUR bed, and feels his loss. That man is the one that I loved.
The sad, true fact, is that man NEVER existed. Only the addict remains now. I can live without him.
The addict is the one that took the life out of me, and the joy of living out of me. He stole my dreams and he made me feel bad for wishing for a better life with a SOBER LOVING partner.
The more I am here, the more I realize the only people we can really share our feelings with are people that have been in it, through it or going through it. I am blessed to have a very close friend who has a RAH, and she calls me daily. She checks on me, and lets me talk and talk and talk and talk until I can't talk anymore. It helps me to deal with the loss, and it helps that she understands, and isn't quick to say..."Get over it, move on." "Better things ahead." "You are better off, this too shall pass.." blahblahblah
What if..just for a little while, I want to lay in the puddle of grief, mourn the 'death' of the man I loved, and move on when I'm ready? Don't tell me to MOVE ON, don't tell me I'm better off, because right now, I don't feel like I am! I know, in time, I will feel that, but let me GRIEVE, let me wallow, let me talk and let me just get over this in my own time!
Does anyone know what I mean? My mother, my family, all mean well, but I need to get over this when I am ready..not because YOU think it's time for me to MOVE ON!
I am getting stronger everyday, and I know that one day, I will wake up and not be consumed by the pain, or the worry, or the grief of the loss of my relationship with my XABF. But until that day comes, I need to process this in my own time, in my own way..and make my own decisions about when I am 'over it'.
Peace and ((HUGS))
I made the very difficult decision to leave my ABF on Feb 5th. I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment, relieved. One moment, sad. One moment, angry.
We have had NC since I left. A part of me is grateful, a part of me is hurt! I am reading on this forum that the A's will call, beg, plead, text, email, leave vmail BEGGING to be taken back.
My A has done NONE of these things. It's like HE deleted ME! Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? I should be on my knees, thanking God that he is not putting me through all that, but in a sad, sick way, it would validate my leaving, and that he misses me!
In moments of clarity, I am grateful that I had the strength and courage to leave. I would have spent a lifetime in the web of his addiction, his lies, his deceit and his pain. I would have given up MY dreams for his non-existent ones.
In moments of sadness and loneliness, I miss him. I miss his 'presence' in my life. I miss our conversations, our interactions, and the companionship.
Then, the moment passes, and I do NOT miss the DRUNKEN conversations, DRUNKEN interaction..and DRUNKEN COMPANIONSHIP.
Do I want to hear from him? YES. Do I want him to validate my feelings of loss? YES. Do I need him to miss me? YES! YES! YES!
BUT
He cannot do any of those things for me. The man I loved, the one that I believed loved me, is the one I will hold onto in my mind. That man misses me, and he thinks about me when he lays in OUR bed, and feels his loss. That man is the one that I loved.
The sad, true fact, is that man NEVER existed. Only the addict remains now. I can live without him.
The addict is the one that took the life out of me, and the joy of living out of me. He stole my dreams and he made me feel bad for wishing for a better life with a SOBER LOVING partner.
The more I am here, the more I realize the only people we can really share our feelings with are people that have been in it, through it or going through it. I am blessed to have a very close friend who has a RAH, and she calls me daily. She checks on me, and lets me talk and talk and talk and talk until I can't talk anymore. It helps me to deal with the loss, and it helps that she understands, and isn't quick to say..."Get over it, move on." "Better things ahead." "You are better off, this too shall pass.." blahblahblah
What if..just for a little while, I want to lay in the puddle of grief, mourn the 'death' of the man I loved, and move on when I'm ready? Don't tell me to MOVE ON, don't tell me I'm better off, because right now, I don't feel like I am! I know, in time, I will feel that, but let me GRIEVE, let me wallow, let me talk and let me just get over this in my own time!
Does anyone know what I mean? My mother, my family, all mean well, but I need to get over this when I am ready..not because YOU think it's time for me to MOVE ON!
I am getting stronger everyday, and I know that one day, I will wake up and not be consumed by the pain, or the worry, or the grief of the loss of my relationship with my XABF. But until that day comes, I need to process this in my own time, in my own way..and make my own decisions about when I am 'over it'.
Peace and ((HUGS))
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
It sounds to me like you need to do the same thing that I am trying to do... Get your head and your heart in the same spot. I'm proud of you for being strong. Just keep remembering why you left him in the first place.
Taking time to grieve a past relationship is healthy, but don't let it take over your entire life.
Taking time to grieve a past relationship is healthy, but don't let it take over your entire life.
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Jennabe...
Oh I am not letting that happen. I am simply trying to say that in my time, I will let go. I do feel stronger everyday, I don't miss him as much as before, and I realize that this was the BEST thing for me.
Oh I am not letting that happen. I am simply trying to say that in my time, I will let go. I do feel stronger everyday, I don't miss him as much as before, and I realize that this was the BEST thing for me.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When I blocked XABF's number from my phone I had a lot of thoughts about whether or not he was trying to contact me or if he had moved on.
I wanted him to stop calling because No Contact was the healthy path for me. But...In my hurt state, I wanted him to try to contact me and be denied. I wanted him to want me and not have me. This is probably because I felt like I tried to reach through to him for so many years and was denied time and time again.
I wanted him mad, sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, missing me, and wanting to be sober.
I kept my head stuck firmly in reality with the help of folks here and just kept telling myself that healthy behaviors can be hard to get used to. My heart eventually caught up with my head and now when a passing thought goes through my mind about contact with him, in my head I know it could happen, but now in my heart I wish it never does.
The changes within you are coming. Stay the course and give it time.
I can relate to family wanting you to move on. I got another mention from my mom that she and my dad hope I find someone new before they die. Ugh. I asked her if that means the longer I stay single, the longer they'll be around 'cause I'm in no hurry.
Alice
I wanted him to stop calling because No Contact was the healthy path for me. But...In my hurt state, I wanted him to try to contact me and be denied. I wanted him to want me and not have me. This is probably because I felt like I tried to reach through to him for so many years and was denied time and time again.
I wanted him mad, sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, missing me, and wanting to be sober.
I kept my head stuck firmly in reality with the help of folks here and just kept telling myself that healthy behaviors can be hard to get used to. My heart eventually caught up with my head and now when a passing thought goes through my mind about contact with him, in my head I know it could happen, but now in my heart I wish it never does.
The changes within you are coming. Stay the course and give it time.
I can relate to family wanting you to move on. I got another mention from my mom that she and my dad hope I find someone new before they die. Ugh. I asked her if that means the longer I stay single, the longer they'll be around 'cause I'm in no hurry.
Alice
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
What if..just for a little while, I want to lay in the puddle of grief, mourn the 'death' of the man I loved, and move on when I'm ready? Don't tell me to MOVE ON, don't tell me I'm better off, because right now, I don't feel like I am! I know, in time, I will feel that, but let me GRIEVE, let me wallow, let me talk and let me just get over this in my own time!
Suppressed feelings will surface eventually so allowing ourselves the process is vital.
There cannot be a set timeline on this because we all have different personalities,resources, experiences, support etc. Some may need days , some months.
Have you given yourself a timeline to process this relationship ending? i read that somewhere (cant remember where) a tactic some use is to grieve however they damn please but set a date to pick slef up and get on with life. Just a thought. I am not saying you will be healed by a set date if you give yourself one becasue ultimately the permanent healing is life long.
How are you going with your own personal goals for your wonderful future?
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Originally Posted by Gold 
Have you given yourself a timeline to process this relationship ending? i read that somewhere (cant remember where) a tactic some use is to grieve however they damn please but set a date to pick self up and get on with life. Just a thought. I am not saying you will be healed by a set date if you give yourself one becasue ultimately the permanent healing is life long.
How are you going with your own personal goals for your wonderful future?
How are you going with your own personal goals for your wonderful future?
Gold,
I have not thought about the timeline thing. It is a good idea, who needs to be stuck in grief and sadness for any length of time?
For me, I think I will know, when I know. I am going to allow myself to have all these feelings, and process them in whatever order they come. And to you-know-what with anyone that feels the need to 'rush' me through my own grieving process! It's not theirs, it's mine!
As far as my goals, my dreams? My wonderful future? I am making great strides. I moved into my own place, and was able to buy everything brand new. From the toilet brush, to the new 32" HDTV. While I lived with my A, I was smart enough to pay off all my debt, and put money in an emergency fund. I used almost everything I had saved, but everything in my apartment belongs to me. No payments, no debt, no bills following behind me. What a great feeling!
I go to WW (weight watchers) and I have lost 35lbs since Oct 2009. I refuse to give up on that. I even went out this past weekend, and bought some new clothes in a smaller size (YAH ME!), and some sexy new undies! Why not? I'm worth it!
He took that from me, he made me feel like I was a slob, not sexy and not worthy. Guess what? I am sexy, fabulous and YOU never knew what you had! I hope that bottle of Miller Lite keeps you warm and cozy on cold nights, cause I never will again!
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Remember not to forget the man that he wasn't while you grieve for the man you wished he was 100% of the time. As they always tell us...never go into a relationship thinking that you will change them...because you won't and you will be sad.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I'm going to have to hijack your post. You hit so many things that had swirled in my mind but could never put to words! I just thought, let someone else put up with your "issues" aka crap.
You are going to come into a rebirth of sorts. It's coming, not too much longer now! You've made the first steps. Let go of your ego in that you "need him to miss you". It's his loss and eventually you won't care if he does or doesn't miss you.
You are going to come into a rebirth of sorts. It's coming, not too much longer now! You've made the first steps. Let go of your ego in that you "need him to miss you". It's his loss and eventually you won't care if he does or doesn't miss you.
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Originally Posted by Insulated
Let go of your ego in that you "need him to miss you". It's his loss and eventually you won't care if he does or doesn't miss you.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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Jennabe, it is hard getting thru the thought that we seem to have been put aside so darn easily, especially as we seem to have them in mind so much. Lots of A's do so much to try and re-trap their gone SO, and others appear to screw us up like a piece of scrap paper and into the bin we go.
I guess the scrap folk have to spend longer at healing themselves, to really dig deep, and that may be a bonus in future relationships. But oh, how it hurts at the time.
As for grieving time, that is personal and as varied as our personalities, so each plugs away at our own pace, weaving our own way thru the maze of emotions.
Yes, it will pass....but the when is in our own time.
Some ideas and hints from others going thru the process, can be of help to us, and we can find other ways to help for ourselves, still it is our grief, our suffering and done at our speed. Anyone trying to gee us up and get us to move faster is meddling for their own reasons and needs, and can take their bag of tricks elsewhere.
God bless
I guess the scrap folk have to spend longer at healing themselves, to really dig deep, and that may be a bonus in future relationships. But oh, how it hurts at the time.
As for grieving time, that is personal and as varied as our personalities, so each plugs away at our own pace, weaving our own way thru the maze of emotions.
Yes, it will pass....but the when is in our own time.
Some ideas and hints from others going thru the process, can be of help to us, and we can find other ways to help for ourselves, still it is our grief, our suffering and done at our speed. Anyone trying to gee us up and get us to move faster is meddling for their own reasons and needs, and can take their bag of tricks elsewhere.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Do I want to hear from him? YES. Do I want him to validate my feelings of loss? YES. Do I need him to miss me? YES! YES! YES!
I agree that's the voice of your EGO not you. Can you take some time to draw a little, funny, harmless monster and place it near your monitor or somewhere you can see it often? that is the ego and its not you, its just a little critter trying to get your attention. But its definitely NOT you.
I am you a year and a half later... everyone tells me I've changed A LOT, I am no longer apologizing for EXISTING, and I got a "healthier" relation... I am willing to go for whatever I wish for myself, with or without someone on board. I feel much more like myself and it geels GOOD. Of course I still got triggers and sometimes remember... but I am faster now, to get back to the present moment. I remember enough of the bad to keep me away but not enough to make me obssess once again, make me feel like a victim, etc. That "fine tuning" is hard but it is worth it. And after I left I heard nothing else either. I just saw him with someone else and he seemed to have mourned me for, like, a DAY? All that hurts but ultimately that is what separates us. I treat humans as humans because that is who I am, I treat everyone equally. Some jerks discard ppl, use them, etc, and like a poster here says "we are on the same planet but in different worlds". Also some days I don't remember him at ALL and its GLORIOUS! or I enjoy my life sooo much more now and I know I am valuable. When I feel angry and wish the worst for him I remember just being him is bad enough someone incapable of feeling compassion and destroying whatever good was created. Someone living a delusion, feeling independent yet being totally dependent on company and drinks because he can't stand himself. That is his reality. And mine and yours are VERY different.
We are here for you...
I agree that's the voice of your EGO not you. Can you take some time to draw a little, funny, harmless monster and place it near your monitor or somewhere you can see it often? that is the ego and its not you, its just a little critter trying to get your attention. But its definitely NOT you.
I am you a year and a half later... everyone tells me I've changed A LOT, I am no longer apologizing for EXISTING, and I got a "healthier" relation... I am willing to go for whatever I wish for myself, with or without someone on board. I feel much more like myself and it geels GOOD. Of course I still got triggers and sometimes remember... but I am faster now, to get back to the present moment. I remember enough of the bad to keep me away but not enough to make me obssess once again, make me feel like a victim, etc. That "fine tuning" is hard but it is worth it. And after I left I heard nothing else either. I just saw him with someone else and he seemed to have mourned me for, like, a DAY? All that hurts but ultimately that is what separates us. I treat humans as humans because that is who I am, I treat everyone equally. Some jerks discard ppl, use them, etc, and like a poster here says "we are on the same planet but in different worlds". Also some days I don't remember him at ALL and its GLORIOUS! or I enjoy my life sooo much more now and I know I am valuable. When I feel angry and wish the worst for him I remember just being him is bad enough
someone incapable of feeling compassion and destroying whatever good was created. Someone living a delusion, feeling independent yet being totally dependent on company and drinks because he can't stand himself. That is his reality. And mine and yours are VERY different. We are here for you...
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Wow just wanted to say well done on the fabulous weight loss!! In the midst of all your hardship you have manage to do something wonderful for yourself too!!.....
I have just recently re joined weight watchers (I am a re offender lol!!)....and I am going well on week three!! i feel so much better for soing something just for me.......enjoy the new clothes and undies BECAUSE YOU ARE SO RIGHT - YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!
Take care and keep us posted Phiz
I have just recently re joined weight watchers (I am a re offender lol!!)....and I am going well on week three!! i feel so much better for soing something just for me.......enjoy the new clothes and undies BECAUSE YOU ARE SO RIGHT - YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!
Take care and keep us posted Phiz
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Thanks Phiz!
I am doing things for me, and I am actually enjoying my solitude. I am getting to know ME again. I kinda lost ME in all the alcoholic madness.
Peace and ((HUGS))
I am doing things for me, and I am actually enjoying my solitude. I am getting to know ME again. I kinda lost ME in all the alcoholic madness.
Peace and ((HUGS))
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Oh gosh I know the whole losing myself in the alcoholics madness syndrome!!
Good for you! I too am making alot of changes and focusing on myself....doing things I enjoy for myself.....and even though some days are still hard I am feeling better and stronger everyday.
Reading and posting here and educating myself on alcoholism and my part in the chaos and drama really really helps. SR keeps me sane!!
You Take care and keep us up to date....Phiz :0)
Good for you! I too am making alot of changes and focusing on myself....doing things I enjoy for myself.....and even though some days are still hard I am feeling better and stronger everyday.
Reading and posting here and educating myself on alcoholism and my part in the chaos and drama really really helps. SR keeps me sane!!
You Take care and keep us up to date....Phiz :0)
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Ah the weight loss, the new clothes and hairdos, the frequent compliments, the good food and company, the sleeping for hours without being woken up by a stumbling drunk......... welcome to recovery, the best "extreme makeover ever" lol
lol
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HI,
Be careful what you wish for.
This man is sick. If he contacted you, it would be a sick person contacting you. Sick people don't make healthy or rational choices.
I like others wanted mine to do that. He didn't directly, but in indirect sicko manipulative ways. It screws with your head. If he isn't in recovery, then contacting you means nothing more than a sick person clinging to something that makes him feel better for the moment. (I do not mean to be harsh. This is only my opinion and experience).
Be careful what you wish for.
This man is sick. If he contacted you, it would be a sick person contacting you. Sick people don't make healthy or rational choices.
I like others wanted mine to do that. He didn't directly, but in indirect sicko manipulative ways. It screws with your head. If he isn't in recovery, then contacting you means nothing more than a sick person clinging to something that makes him feel better for the moment. (I do not mean to be harsh. This is only my opinion and experience).
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Ah the weight loss, the new clothes and hairdos, the frequent compliments, the good food and company, the sleeping for hours without being woken up by a stumbling drunk......... welcome to recovery, the best "extreme makeover ever" lol
lolEvery day it's easier, and I am making great progress!
Thank you to ALL who are here, that share their stories daily. We all live in the madness, and it helps to talk about it, and know you are not alone.I am grateful to all of you!
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Great thread IAS :-)
The addict runs strictly on ego and acts of ego alone. Ego is all they have since they are spiritually dead.
Your ex won't contact you right now because his ego was toyed with when you left. He may contact you in time to see if he can still get you to react.
I know how much this hurts, when I left my ex once, he just didn't care if I was gone or not. He lived his life like I was never in the picture.
Don't beat yourself up, you're making amazing progress, It takes many of us months if not years to walk away from this dead-end street and you just got up and did it.
I envy your courage and strength
The addict runs strictly on ego and acts of ego alone. Ego is all they have since they are spiritually dead.
Your ex won't contact you right now because his ego was toyed with when you left. He may contact you in time to see if he can still get you to react.
I know how much this hurts, when I left my ex once, he just didn't care if I was gone or not. He lived his life like I was never in the picture.
Don't beat yourself up, you're making amazing progress, It takes many of us months if not years to walk away from this dead-end street and you just got up and did it.
I envy your courage and strength
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Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
Answer this, could you ever trust him again?
I would love to say, YES, I could learn to trust him. BUT the honest truth? NO. He betrayed me and lied to me. The worst offense is the adult friend finder website he had been browsing and doing God knows what else since Aug 2009. For SIX MONTHS I lived in the dark about his secret life. He cheated on me. The drinking was bad enough. But now, knowing what that website is all about, and what he could have brought home to me, diseases, STD's, etc. and put MY life in danger because of his selfishness and addiction?
I can say NO, I do not and will never trust him again.
I don't think the road is long enough for me to ever ever ever be able to go down it with him, and have him earn my trust back. It's too late baby, now it's too late.......
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