Exit Strategy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Exit Strategy
Hi,
After reading here this morning, something dawned on me. I think that people sometimes with A's or any abusive partners might want to leave but not know how. Like the actual, practical steps to start a new life. Boy, that sounds like a tall order doesn't it?
Are there any resources that actually give someone who is financially, emotionally or socially dependent a map to exit the relationship? We talk about detachment and boundaries, but is there a list of concrete steps to take after this?
Miss
After reading here this morning, something dawned on me. I think that people sometimes with A's or any abusive partners might want to leave but not know how. Like the actual, practical steps to start a new life. Boy, that sounds like a tall order doesn't it?
Are there any resources that actually give someone who is financially, emotionally or socially dependent a map to exit the relationship? We talk about detachment and boundaries, but is there a list of concrete steps to take after this?
Miss
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Hi Miss...
I can only speak from my own experience. I lived with my A for 2 1/2yrs. In that time, I paid off all my debt. Looking back, I always KNEW I would end up leaving him. I used him for the free rent, and I paid off my debts to be free of him.
I never wanted to leave, but I guess in hindsight, what I did was to make sure that I had the means to get out. I had planned on leaving in the summer, but circumstances arose, and I left him 2 weeks ago.
It was painful, and it was something I NEVER WANTED. However, now that I am out, and I have PEACE in my life, it was truly the best decision I could have made. I am sure these feelings will change, but for today, I am relieved.
There is a different map for everyone. When you decide 'I've had ENOUGH!' there is always a way out. Family, friends, shelters.... the addict needs US more than we need them. I am learning that through this forum. We are strong! So many of us are so much stronger than we think!
Keep the faith, pray to your HP, and HE will provide!
((HUGS))
I can only speak from my own experience. I lived with my A for 2 1/2yrs. In that time, I paid off all my debt. Looking back, I always KNEW I would end up leaving him. I used him for the free rent, and I paid off my debts to be free of him.
I never wanted to leave, but I guess in hindsight, what I did was to make sure that I had the means to get out. I had planned on leaving in the summer, but circumstances arose, and I left him 2 weeks ago.
It was painful, and it was something I NEVER WANTED. However, now that I am out, and I have PEACE in my life, it was truly the best decision I could have made. I am sure these feelings will change, but for today, I am relieved.
There is a different map for everyone. When you decide 'I've had ENOUGH!' there is always a way out. Family, friends, shelters.... the addict needs US more than we need them. I am learning that through this forum. We are strong! So many of us are so much stronger than we think!
Keep the faith, pray to your HP, and HE will provide!
((HUGS))
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Boundaries and detachment are necessary steps in getting out. Practicing detachment meant I was more aware of what was going on. I began to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for leaving.
I don't think there is a one size fits all kind of approach to this - everyone's circumstances will be different. There are some sticky threads that deal with this - I think - in more general terms. For practical advice, seeing a solicitor is essential.
I don't think there is a one size fits all kind of approach to this - everyone's circumstances will be different. There are some sticky threads that deal with this - I think - in more general terms. For practical advice, seeing a solicitor is essential.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I knew that my situation was unsustainable, so I started thinking about everything that I needed him for, and just started to brainstorm as to what my options were.
For example:
1. I started setting aside $$ (even $25-50 here and there can add up while you plan your escape)
2. He took the older children to school every morning and I took our baby an hour later. I also work.
So I started thinking about what I would need to accomplish this big task without him there. Decided that our nanny could come at 7:30 and help the older two (8 and 7) with lunches, getting dressed, breakfast while I got dressed. Then I would take them to school and nanny would care for the baby and take him to school an hour later.
3. How would I keep our house and pay our bills on my salary?
I looked into my state's child support laws and sat down with a pencil and paper to see whether I could make it financially. (answer: just barely, but it's worth it)
These are just a few of the areas I looked at. I also started to look at houses in the $100k range just in case I would have to sell our house and purchase something less expensive.
In every aspect, I knew for certain that the sacrifices we would make were worth it because the way we were living was NOT going to suffice.
Once I stopped being afraid to examine the reality of life without him, I started feeling free and hopeful.
For example:
1. I started setting aside $$ (even $25-50 here and there can add up while you plan your escape)
2. He took the older children to school every morning and I took our baby an hour later. I also work.
So I started thinking about what I would need to accomplish this big task without him there. Decided that our nanny could come at 7:30 and help the older two (8 and 7) with lunches, getting dressed, breakfast while I got dressed. Then I would take them to school and nanny would care for the baby and take him to school an hour later.
3. How would I keep our house and pay our bills on my salary?
I looked into my state's child support laws and sat down with a pencil and paper to see whether I could make it financially. (answer: just barely, but it's worth it)
These are just a few of the areas I looked at. I also started to look at houses in the $100k range just in case I would have to sell our house and purchase something less expensive.
In every aspect, I knew for certain that the sacrifices we would make were worth it because the way we were living was NOT going to suffice.
Once I stopped being afraid to examine the reality of life without him, I started feeling free and hopeful.
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