my story 3.0
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my story 3.0
hi bit of a whi1e since i posted i have been here just in the back ground reading we11 im at the A f1at and we11 i suppose u cou1d say i finished it ca11 it a mistake or fate or whatever i dunno but i sent a text to a very good friend whos been there for me quite a bit of 1ate and put on the text i was missing him and sent it to the A by mistake and he read it and wondered who i was saying that to and we11 it a11 came out my unwi11ingness to 1ive with the drinking anymore my fee1ings for this other guy a1though its nothing 1ike what i fee1 for the A hes re1iab1e he dont drink much and he thinks the wor1d of me known him about a year and hes made his fee1ings in 1ast few days very c1ear its me thats been ho1ding it back cos we11 sti11 1ove the A prob a1ways wi11 do but we11 my heads saying it wont work with the A never in a mi11ion years he doesnt even recognise what he is 1et a1one get he1p for it.
He went missing for 3 days and said he was in hospita1 with food poisioning which i know is 1ies my own doctor says no was do they admit u for two days with that its a1coho1 prob the wine he drank on sat which he admitted to so nothing he says can i ever be1ieve and wi11 a1ways wonder is this the truth or more 1ies and this is the best bit i 1eft some money 1ast time i was here to pay for new kb for this puter 30 pounds a1ot of money for me and hes spent it on booze and not on1y that he expected me to repay this to get the kb another 30 p1us the 30 for his own one i was gob smacked when he said this and when i said u had no right to spend that u wi11 have to pay it back he said we11 u have to pay some of the bi11s here ermmm i dont 1ive here i said and he gave me such a 1ook of utter surprise but i dont 1ive here i 1ive with my brother.
So why does it fee1 so wrong though breaking from him why cant i accept this new guy is the better one for me he wont treat me 1ike something hes trod in ha1f the time and 1ie to me why cant i break away and why does it fee1 so bad cos i do fee1 bad espica11y more so they way i did it a1though i knew it was coming just i think was matter of when not if but i sti11 want him sti11 1ove him why cant i just 1et go
He went missing for 3 days and said he was in hospita1 with food poisioning which i know is 1ies my own doctor says no was do they admit u for two days with that its a1coho1 prob the wine he drank on sat which he admitted to so nothing he says can i ever be1ieve and wi11 a1ways wonder is this the truth or more 1ies and this is the best bit i 1eft some money 1ast time i was here to pay for new kb for this puter 30 pounds a1ot of money for me and hes spent it on booze and not on1y that he expected me to repay this to get the kb another 30 p1us the 30 for his own one i was gob smacked when he said this and when i said u had no right to spend that u wi11 have to pay it back he said we11 u have to pay some of the bi11s here ermmm i dont 1ive here i said and he gave me such a 1ook of utter surprise but i dont 1ive here i 1ive with my brother.
So why does it fee1 so wrong though breaking from him why cant i accept this new guy is the better one for me he wont treat me 1ike something hes trod in ha1f the time and 1ie to me why cant i break away and why does it fee1 so bad cos i do fee1 bad espica11y more so they way i did it a1though i knew it was coming just i think was matter of when not if but i sti11 want him sti11 1ove him why cant i just 1et go
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hon, i think what you really need to do is go through life for a time without a man in it.
we can use people - and for us women it is often men we are in relationships with - in similar ways that others use drugs or alcohol. ya know?
i think that you have not even been really done with the last one before you are in a relationship with the new one. that doesn't sound healthy to me.
there are lots of possible reasons you don't feel with new guy as you did with old guy. but what is inside of you that is broken? can you work on that for a time?
we can use people - and for us women it is often men we are in relationships with - in similar ways that others use drugs or alcohol. ya know?
i think that you have not even been really done with the last one before you are in a relationship with the new one. that doesn't sound healthy to me.
there are lots of possible reasons you don't feel with new guy as you did with old guy. but what is inside of you that is broken? can you work on that for a time?
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
hon, i think what you really need to do is go through life for a time without a man in it.
we can use people - and for us women it is often men we are in relationships with - in similar ways that others use drugs or alcohol. ya know?
i think that you have not even been really done with the last one before you are in a relationship with the new one. that doesn't sound healthy to me.
there are lots of possible reasons you don't feel with new guy as you did with old guy. but what is inside of you that is broken? can you work on that for a time?
we can use people - and for us women it is often men we are in relationships with - in similar ways that others use drugs or alcohol. ya know?
i think that you have not even been really done with the last one before you are in a relationship with the new one. that doesn't sound healthy to me.
there are lots of possible reasons you don't feel with new guy as you did with old guy. but what is inside of you that is broken? can you work on that for a time?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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it really is his first mistress. it hurts like hell to come to this realization.
cry, post here on s/r, go to al-anon, journal, go to therapy -- any or all of the above.
it really stinks, but the only way through it is to go through it. try to put some healing in your life so that you don't get with another one like that down the road.
peace,
cry, post here on s/r, go to al-anon, journal, go to therapy -- any or all of the above.
it really stinks, but the only way through it is to go through it. try to put some healing in your life so that you don't get with another one like that down the road.
peace,
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
it really is his first mistress. it hurts like hell to come to this realization.
cry, post here on s/r, go to al-anon, journal, go to therapy -- any or all of the above.
it really stinks, but the only way through it is to go through it. try to put some healing in your life so that you don't get with another one like that down the road.
peace,
cry, post here on s/r, go to al-anon, journal, go to therapy -- any or all of the above.
it really stinks, but the only way through it is to go through it. try to put some healing in your life so that you don't get with another one like that down the road.
peace,
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You know why he's not fighting to keep you? Because he doesn't need to, or doesn't think he needs to.
To fight to keep you he would have to promise change, plus he prolly knows from experience that when he does nothing you panic and then go back to accepting him for what he is for fear of being alone.
To fight to keep you he would have to promise change, plus he prolly knows from experience that when he does nothing you panic and then go back to accepting him for what he is for fear of being alone.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Kia, you have invested so much time and effort into this relationship - you have sacrificed a lot for it. It makes it really hard to just let go. I was with my XAH for 18 years, I know how that feels. But there came a point when I realised that I was the only one wanting to save the relationship. I was the only one trying to make everything work. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership - why was the effort so one sided? He was never going to put as much effort into things while I was doing all the work - why would he?
I discovered that you don't always get out what you put in and that XAH was sucking my very soul dry. I needed to save ME. I needed to start working on my relationship with me, and try and put as much effort into that as I had into my marriage. Time to step away from the drama and work out why I put up with such an unequal partnership for so long. Why I don't feel like I deserve to be treated with respect. I'm still working on it!!
Have you managed to get to an AlAnon meeting yet?
I discovered that you don't always get out what you put in and that XAH was sucking my very soul dry. I needed to save ME. I needed to start working on my relationship with me, and try and put as much effort into that as I had into my marriage. Time to step away from the drama and work out why I put up with such an unequal partnership for so long. Why I don't feel like I deserve to be treated with respect. I'm still working on it!!
Have you managed to get to an AlAnon meeting yet?
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Originally Posted by TheMissus
You know why he's not fighting to keep you? Because he doesn't need to, or doesn't think he needs to.
To fight to keep you he would have to promise change, plus he prolly knows from experience that when he does nothing you panic and then go back to accepting him for what he is for fear of being alone.
To fight to keep you he would have to promise change, plus he prolly knows from experience that when he does nothing you panic and then go back to accepting him for what he is for fear of being alone.
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Originally Posted by bookwyrm
Kia, you have invested so much time and effort into this relationship - you have sacrificed a lot for it. It makes it really hard to just let go. I was with my XAH for 18 years, I know how that feels. But there came a point when I realised that I was the only one wanting to save the relationship. I was the only one trying to make everything work. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership - why was the effort so one sided? He was never going to put as much effort into things while I was doing all the work - why would he?
I discovered that you don't always get out what you put in and that XAH was sucking my very soul dry. I needed to save ME. I needed to start working on my relationship with me, and try and put as much effort into that as I had into my marriage. Time to step away from the drama and work out why I put up with such an unequal partnership for so long. Why I don't feel like I deserve to be treated with respect. I'm still working on it!!
Have you managed to get to an AlAnon meeting yet?
I discovered that you don't always get out what you put in and that XAH was sucking my very soul dry. I needed to save ME. I needed to start working on my relationship with me, and try and put as much effort into that as I had into my marriage. Time to step away from the drama and work out why I put up with such an unequal partnership for so long. Why I don't feel like I deserve to be treated with respect. I'm still working on it!!
Have you managed to get to an AlAnon meeting yet?
Hes spent the day as we11 doing a11 the cooking etc trying to make me fee1 gui1ty but ive to1d him i cant cope with the drink and with the constant no contact he does when drinking heavy and im not there hes admitted hes at fau1t with the contact but the drink no chance hes drinking again tonite and cider he knows i dont 1ike him mixing them think thats his way of annoying me too and hes said he wi11 see how the weekend goes as to whether we wi11 get back together is that code for u have a go at me over the drinking no chance of us getting back together hmmm or is that me been too cynica1
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Originally Posted by kia
your so right hes actua11y not fighting to keep me and has sajd he wont do that hes not prepared to do anything and has spent most of today trying to make me fee1 gui1ty and its worked cos i do fee1 gui1ty right now so whats the answer then wa1k away and fee1 so bad or stay and put up with it
"so whats the answer then wa1k away and fee1 so bad for a little while or stay and put up with it and feel bad forever"
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Originally Posted by TheMissus
"so whats the answer then wa1k away and fee1 so bad for a little while or stay and put up with it and feel bad forever"
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we11 hes given me and kiss and a cudd1e and thinks thats everything back to norma1 in me paying for most things and his drinking it a11 away nothing is so1ved or changed i go home on tuesday and i rea11y need to make some decisions i can stick to even now hes watching me a11 the time cant even ta1k to friends on msn and hes just asked me what thread im updating and i 1ied how daft is that
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Kia, I say this with love, but you're LETTING him treat you this way. You're letting him think everything is back to normal, you're letting him let you pay for everything and you're letting him drink it all away.
There's no rush to make decisions, you can go at your own pace, but remember, in his mind HE DOESN'T HAVE TO CHANGE. What does he have to change for? You go back to him each time, he doesn't have to do a thing, just say a few nice WORDS once in a while or give you a cuddle. Words don't mean anything without actions behind them.
You go home next week but don't be suprised when he acts the same again, that's what he does and he'll carry on until you stop him.
There's no rush to make decisions, you can go at your own pace, but remember, in his mind HE DOESN'T HAVE TO CHANGE. What does he have to change for? You go back to him each time, he doesn't have to do a thing, just say a few nice WORDS once in a while or give you a cuddle. Words don't mean anything without actions behind them.
You go home next week but don't be suprised when he acts the same again, that's what he does and he'll carry on until you stop him.
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Trying to help you with some clarity....instead of listening to what he says to determine what is going on ....what would you think of going back to your first post and reading what you have said over time?
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it wou1d prob say nothings changed rea11y if anything its going back wards a1though he was nice to me 1ast nite ta1ked me to more said hes trying to make changes getting counse11ing etc but that its gonna take time but i have made one decision other guy needs to go back to been friend as anything more just rea11y muddys the waters cos i think i did somewhat encourage more so that needs to be put right even A has agreed with that that he thinks ive used him and maybe i did do a1though was never on my part.
So now what wait and see what happens cos he did have spot of good news which seems to have 1ightened his mood hes not been this happy in a whi1e but sti11 drinking though and yes i wi11 read back on them once im home and get back to u i think i wi11 prob be shocked
So now what wait and see what happens cos he did have spot of good news which seems to have 1ightened his mood hes not been this happy in a whi1e but sti11 drinking though and yes i wi11 read back on them once im home and get back to u i think i wi11 prob be shocked
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Kia, please read your previous post. Your happiness, your well being, still seem to be centred on your ABF. What he's doing, how he's feeling, how he behaves. This is a recipe for disaster - I know because I've been there. You've lost yourself. Can you put the focus back on you? What will you do today, just for YOU? Don't be passive in your pursuit of happiness. Go get it!
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I see a pattern in your posts that says alot more than any one conversation that you can have either with us or with him.
I very much agree with what Bookwyrm has said above. What you think and feel seems to be completely on his actions in the moment.
I don't know about you but in a romantic relationship I also want some trust and security.
I very much agree with what Bookwyrm has said above. What you think and feel seems to be completely on his actions in the moment.
I don't know about you but in a romantic relationship I also want some trust and security.
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we11 im at home now and me and him were chatting on msn f1irty and nice him saying he misses me wants me back straight away and other more crazy stuff which made me a1armed but ok then he turned right on a knife edge says were finished again and go s1eep with this other guy the jea1ousy he has for this other guy is very bad so i just said im going now and i wi11 ta1k to u when your sober which wi11 prob be never given what i know as for me yes your right im 1osing me again somewhere in his craziness which is why i insisted on coming home even though he tried to make me stay it just fe1t as if i was suffocating and i was right he was over 1ooking my chats with other guy so im going to see my women friends today see what they think prob be comforted by them cos right now im trying to work out how it turned so sudden1y 1ast night in one sentence and yes i know it wi11 get worse
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i think theres something more going on here than just drink does anyone have any experience of drugs cos tonite it was c1oud cuckoo 1and comp1ete fantasy none of it rea1 and he made me a dea1 to on1y drink at weekends to then an hour 1ater b1ame me for making him give up and dump me again amoungst other things
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