Last Wills
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Last Wills
Another left field question dilemma - sorry.
My AH is currently in the UK attending his AF funeral. His Father lived alone for over 25 years and died alone of a massive stroke at 65 years old. My AH saw his flat and was shocked, he said that if he had picked up a vagrant and put him in the flat, it would be cleaner! There were empty whisky bottles everywhere. AH and myself hadn't spoken with him for the last 4 years, as he had stolen money from us, money that was to be a deposit to buy a home when we migrated.
AH came from a dysfunctional family and hasn't spoken with his mum, brother and sister for 20 years. He met with his brother and sister a couple of days before the funeral, to discuss arrangements and see his fathers flat. The brother and sister mentioned that there was no will. They had been trying to get their dad to do a will but he never got around to signing it. They are saying about the estate being split 3 ways between them.
However, we have a will here with us in Australia, that his dad did about 5 years ago in which he leaves the bulk of his estate to my AH. My AH is suggesting to me that we keep this will to ourselves, as he hasn't told his siblings about it and let the money be split 3 ways to be fair. His dad said at the time that he did the will, that his brother and sister would be looked after by their mum where my AH wouldn't and all they had were each other. We did a lot of caring and running around for him and his brother and sister werent in contact with my FIL at that time.
I keep trying to practice MYOB (Mind your own business), trying not to manipulative or control the situation. This is a huge thing to do though, and could effect my AH's future and I fear that he is making an emotional decision based on a couple of meetings with his siblings and now feels bad. I feel that we dont owe his brother and sister anything, they are continuing to play happy families with each other and their mother and at the end of the day, it was what his dad wanted and his final wishes and that should count.
This obviously effects me too. Am I entitled to give my opinion and thoughts on the subject or leave it to an emotional wreck (AH) to decide. I know its a tough one!! I am not easy or healthy!
My AH is currently in the UK attending his AF funeral. His Father lived alone for over 25 years and died alone of a massive stroke at 65 years old. My AH saw his flat and was shocked, he said that if he had picked up a vagrant and put him in the flat, it would be cleaner! There were empty whisky bottles everywhere. AH and myself hadn't spoken with him for the last 4 years, as he had stolen money from us, money that was to be a deposit to buy a home when we migrated.
AH came from a dysfunctional family and hasn't spoken with his mum, brother and sister for 20 years. He met with his brother and sister a couple of days before the funeral, to discuss arrangements and see his fathers flat. The brother and sister mentioned that there was no will. They had been trying to get their dad to do a will but he never got around to signing it. They are saying about the estate being split 3 ways between them.
However, we have a will here with us in Australia, that his dad did about 5 years ago in which he leaves the bulk of his estate to my AH. My AH is suggesting to me that we keep this will to ourselves, as he hasn't told his siblings about it and let the money be split 3 ways to be fair. His dad said at the time that he did the will, that his brother and sister would be looked after by their mum where my AH wouldn't and all they had were each other. We did a lot of caring and running around for him and his brother and sister werent in contact with my FIL at that time.
I keep trying to practice MYOB (Mind your own business), trying not to manipulative or control the situation. This is a huge thing to do though, and could effect my AH's future and I fear that he is making an emotional decision based on a couple of meetings with his siblings and now feels bad. I feel that we dont owe his brother and sister anything, they are continuing to play happy families with each other and their mother and at the end of the day, it was what his dad wanted and his final wishes and that should count.
This obviously effects me too. Am I entitled to give my opinion and thoughts on the subject or leave it to an emotional wreck (AH) to decide. I know its a tough one!! I am not easy or healthy!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Wow, that's a tough one. You don't have to act right away. Let it all sit for a while. I think eventually, you should tell him what you think, but ultimately, you should leave it up to him. This is his family. By the way, I'm a trusts and estates attorney, and this kind of $hit kills me. Lawyers should keep their clients' original wills and people should communicate their plan with their family.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
None of us is entitled to anything, really, if you think about it. Fair, unfair, right, wrong. We are not entitled to, nor do we deserve, whatever we think we are entitled to or deserve. We came into the world naked, didn't we? We are going out naked too. Who gets what doesn't amount to a hill of beans.
What is the HEALTHIEST, LEAST DRAMATIC choice you can make?
What is the HEALTHIEST, LEAST DRAMATIC choice you can make?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
wow, this is huge. it almost seems like a no-win situation from where i'm sitting.
1. you apparently have (based on your previous post) a grudge and i think it's playing out here. there are two, really. the one involving you and his siblings - the bad blood that is obviously affecting you very much. and the other, in which your deceased father-in-law stole money from you. i think this second one plays into your bias big-time. and maybe that's "fair" - not sure.
2. you don't give your ah credit for being capable of making a sound decision. i get it that he's an addict, but that doesn't neccessarily preclude his ability to make the "right" call here.
i agree with "wanting" in that you do not need to make a snap decision. it seems that it's possible that your husband would like to have a relationship with his family, and that's his right. perhaps this is -symbolically - his way of helping to do that.
often times, when it seems that something has to be this way or that way, there is yet another way, that is somewhere in the middle. i would think that this could be negotiated, if they are getting along at the moment, serious about mending the relationship, etc. (your third plus the amount he took, something like that?)
if you're anything like a lot of us here, you really want to control the outcome. give yourself a pat on the back for fighting against that.
1. you apparently have (based on your previous post) a grudge and i think it's playing out here. there are two, really. the one involving you and his siblings - the bad blood that is obviously affecting you very much. and the other, in which your deceased father-in-law stole money from you. i think this second one plays into your bias big-time. and maybe that's "fair" - not sure.
2. you don't give your ah credit for being capable of making a sound decision. i get it that he's an addict, but that doesn't neccessarily preclude his ability to make the "right" call here.
i agree with "wanting" in that you do not need to make a snap decision. it seems that it's possible that your husband would like to have a relationship with his family, and that's his right. perhaps this is -symbolically - his way of helping to do that.
often times, when it seems that something has to be this way or that way, there is yet another way, that is somewhere in the middle. i would think that this could be negotiated, if they are getting along at the moment, serious about mending the relationship, etc. (your third plus the amount he took, something like that?)
if you're anything like a lot of us here, you really want to control the outcome. give yourself a pat on the back for fighting against that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I went to see my psychologist this morning and he has set me straight.
My FIL will has nothing do to with me and AH decision has nothing to do with me. If AH wants to be 'fair' thats his choice and his reasoning to be so. He also said that if it helps with AH own healing in his own mind, that he has dealt with his siblings fairly then that is in itself a good thing, he would be the bigger, better person. So basically I have to butt out.
That is my healthiest, least dramatic choice. (Thanks Learn2Live)
I actually feel less stressed about it, now that I dont have to worry or think about it, so thats good. I am beginning to see how much that I have tried manipulating, controlling situations and obsessing about finding the answer, when really I could have stepped back as it wasnt anything to do with me in the first place - thats detachment I suppose.
My psychologist says that I can still set my own boundaries about whether I will allow AH siblings back into my own life (which I wont) but that is my decision which I can make. My psychologist had no problem at all with cutting off with 'family' members who are not healthy. He said we shouldnt label people with titles such as 'family' as its about whether you allow people into your lives who respect you, love you unconditionally, support you etc. If they dont, then dont feel bad about stepping away from them.
That all made sense to me. Slowly, I am getting a healthy mind back again and hope that I can be a better person.
Coffeedrinker - you were absolutely right, I do have bad blood, anger, resentment about AH's family and lots of other feelings too. I also dont give credit to AH for making the 'right' decision if it doesnt 'match' mine. Thats how its always worked.
My psychologist has made this simple for me to understand - it is none of my business! If I tell myself that, then I dont even have to think about problems if I dont own them and make myself sick with stress in the process. Sounds so simple - hope that I can put it into practice and keep doing it.
Thanks guys for all of your inputs.
My FIL will has nothing do to with me and AH decision has nothing to do with me. If AH wants to be 'fair' thats his choice and his reasoning to be so. He also said that if it helps with AH own healing in his own mind, that he has dealt with his siblings fairly then that is in itself a good thing, he would be the bigger, better person. So basically I have to butt out.
That is my healthiest, least dramatic choice. (Thanks Learn2Live)
I actually feel less stressed about it, now that I dont have to worry or think about it, so thats good. I am beginning to see how much that I have tried manipulating, controlling situations and obsessing about finding the answer, when really I could have stepped back as it wasnt anything to do with me in the first place - thats detachment I suppose.
My psychologist says that I can still set my own boundaries about whether I will allow AH siblings back into my own life (which I wont) but that is my decision which I can make. My psychologist had no problem at all with cutting off with 'family' members who are not healthy. He said we shouldnt label people with titles such as 'family' as its about whether you allow people into your lives who respect you, love you unconditionally, support you etc. If they dont, then dont feel bad about stepping away from them.
That all made sense to me. Slowly, I am getting a healthy mind back again and hope that I can be a better person.
Coffeedrinker - you were absolutely right, I do have bad blood, anger, resentment about AH's family and lots of other feelings too. I also dont give credit to AH for making the 'right' decision if it doesnt 'match' mine. Thats how its always worked.
My psychologist has made this simple for me to understand - it is none of my business! If I tell myself that, then I dont even have to think about problems if I dont own them and make myself sick with stress in the process. Sounds so simple - hope that I can put it into practice and keep doing it.
Thanks guys for all of your inputs.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Lessons
Turning things over, letting go of outcomes, accepting that things will turn out just as they should w/o you figuring it out first, not having resentment because it is not your way.. . showing your husband respect and supporting him through this difficult time w/o your own agenda.......
These are the lessons in front of you. May you see your role clearly before you act.
Often we want others to change when the change needed may be from us.
Family healing is priceless.
Your husband has grief with out you piling more on to him
These are the lessons in front of you. May you see your role clearly before you act.
Often we want others to change when the change needed may be from us.
Family healing is priceless.
Your husband has grief with out you piling more on to him
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