What to do??
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
What to do??
Big drama yesterday...I don't like drama anymore.
Back story: I am 1.5 years divorced from XAH. I was a blue ribbon codie and have worked hard on recovery. 2 kids...teen girls and they see Dad 35% of the time due to his choice. They also see him one at a time due to friction between him and younger child. He continues to not seek help with parenting and her behavior has deteriorated with him and leaked over onto me.
I was vaguely aware of an issue for about 6 months. One of those parenting moments where I suddenly realized. "Oh boy the behavior is now really bad." It snuck up on me and the defiance is equally horrid with both of us.
She is DEFIANT. I got a book on teen defiance and it has these handy checklists to determine if the teen has a problem. She does.
Her behevior at 12.9 years of age can drive a person off the deep end. I have lost it with her on occassion. I realize we need therapy to help us through this, and vowed to double my efforts to control myself and set a good example. I understand Dad's reaction even though I don't condone it.
Drama involved this child who was with her Dad. Her behavior with me was disrespectful, upsetting to my other kid and me, and rude I said it was time for her and I to take a break and she need to go live with Dad for a week. He asked her to do something minor, and she flew into a rage. Complete out of control behavior. She was outside screaming at the top of her lungs, than ran inside. He asked her to stop, it enraged her and she was screaming at him, and then he slapped her.
She ran to the neighbors and told them about the slap. He should not have touched her. He knows that. He went over to the house and thinking it was just the kids he knocked. No one answered and apparently he called a few times. No response.
I get a call from him. So I call and she does answer. It tell her to please stop the behavior and go with her Dad. She hung up. I call back, no response and I think the kids are alone too.
He and I don't know what to do. So he sits on the deck and waits for about 30 minutes occassionally knocking and calling for her and then leaves.
I am at work and call back about 10 times, leaving messages and also I called the Mom's cell phone informing her of the situation becuase I think she is not at home.
Well, the mom was there all along and did not answer the door or let XAH know she was there. Even though I called and left a message for her to give my kid back to her Dad she would not. She would not answer my calls. She finally called and left a message TELLING me I could come by and get the kid after work, she would not give the kid to her dad. Finally, I called and said I want my kid back at my house by 5. Still my kid was not returned.
Come to find out they had called the cops. She felt XAH was angry and harassing her because he would not leave the porch and knocked on the door and kept calling ( um...the calls were me and if you would have appeared at the door and talked to him he would have left ). Sheriff
was over and after talking with the child and tracking down XAH, sheriff realized the kid was out of control, not a mark on her, XAH had owned up to slapping her, and sheriff recommended counseling. He was filing and informational report and social workers may be calling us.
My dilemma: I am thankful this woman cared about my child. BUT, I am angry that this woman did not listen to me. I am angry that this woman, who did not know the full story, did not ask me for the story, took it upon herself to take over my role as parent. She would not give my child back to her dad because he appeared angry. She allowed my child to manipulate her. Her husband also got involved and kept my child from me. How dare they do this.
If the situation had been reversed and I had kept their child from them, refused to answer the door or phone calls, kept them in the dark and would not follow their requests, a squadron of lawyers would be at my door today.
Apparently, her husband called XAH and tried to make light of the situation, he also called me to explain why they did not return my kid (the sheriff was there...well could they not have called me and let me in on this?)
I haven't done anything yet. I lost sleep over it. My gut response is to cut the relationship out of my life as this is not the first time they have been overbearing and pushy. Their kid is a good friend of my defiant kid. I also see one of their kids in my career, so I am thinking of ending that too.
All XSH and advice welcome.
ps... There is a silver lining to this cloud. Teen realizes now how out of control she is. Dad realizes he can be too aggressive. I am getting another lesson in how one actually does stand up for herself....because I want to run away and hide.
Back story: I am 1.5 years divorced from XAH. I was a blue ribbon codie and have worked hard on recovery. 2 kids...teen girls and they see Dad 35% of the time due to his choice. They also see him one at a time due to friction between him and younger child. He continues to not seek help with parenting and her behavior has deteriorated with him and leaked over onto me.
I was vaguely aware of an issue for about 6 months. One of those parenting moments where I suddenly realized. "Oh boy the behavior is now really bad." It snuck up on me and the defiance is equally horrid with both of us.
She is DEFIANT. I got a book on teen defiance and it has these handy checklists to determine if the teen has a problem. She does.
Her behevior at 12.9 years of age can drive a person off the deep end. I have lost it with her on occassion. I realize we need therapy to help us through this, and vowed to double my efforts to control myself and set a good example. I understand Dad's reaction even though I don't condone it.
Drama involved this child who was with her Dad. Her behavior with me was disrespectful, upsetting to my other kid and me, and rude I said it was time for her and I to take a break and she need to go live with Dad for a week. He asked her to do something minor, and she flew into a rage. Complete out of control behavior. She was outside screaming at the top of her lungs, than ran inside. He asked her to stop, it enraged her and she was screaming at him, and then he slapped her.
She ran to the neighbors and told them about the slap. He should not have touched her. He knows that. He went over to the house and thinking it was just the kids he knocked. No one answered and apparently he called a few times. No response.
I get a call from him. So I call and she does answer. It tell her to please stop the behavior and go with her Dad. She hung up. I call back, no response and I think the kids are alone too.
He and I don't know what to do. So he sits on the deck and waits for about 30 minutes occassionally knocking and calling for her and then leaves.
I am at work and call back about 10 times, leaving messages and also I called the Mom's cell phone informing her of the situation becuase I think she is not at home.
Well, the mom was there all along and did not answer the door or let XAH know she was there. Even though I called and left a message for her to give my kid back to her Dad she would not. She would not answer my calls. She finally called and left a message TELLING me I could come by and get the kid after work, she would not give the kid to her dad. Finally, I called and said I want my kid back at my house by 5. Still my kid was not returned.
Come to find out they had called the cops. She felt XAH was angry and harassing her because he would not leave the porch and knocked on the door and kept calling ( um...the calls were me and if you would have appeared at the door and talked to him he would have left ). Sheriff
was over and after talking with the child and tracking down XAH, sheriff realized the kid was out of control, not a mark on her, XAH had owned up to slapping her, and sheriff recommended counseling. He was filing and informational report and social workers may be calling us.
My dilemma: I am thankful this woman cared about my child. BUT, I am angry that this woman did not listen to me. I am angry that this woman, who did not know the full story, did not ask me for the story, took it upon herself to take over my role as parent. She would not give my child back to her dad because he appeared angry. She allowed my child to manipulate her. Her husband also got involved and kept my child from me. How dare they do this.
If the situation had been reversed and I had kept their child from them, refused to answer the door or phone calls, kept them in the dark and would not follow their requests, a squadron of lawyers would be at my door today.
Apparently, her husband called XAH and tried to make light of the situation, he also called me to explain why they did not return my kid (the sheriff was there...well could they not have called me and let me in on this?)
I haven't done anything yet. I lost sleep over it. My gut response is to cut the relationship out of my life as this is not the first time they have been overbearing and pushy. Their kid is a good friend of my defiant kid. I also see one of their kids in my career, so I am thinking of ending that too.
All XSH and advice welcome.
ps... There is a silver lining to this cloud. Teen realizes now how out of control she is. Dad realizes he can be too aggressive. I am getting another lesson in how one actually does stand up for herself....because I want to run away and hide.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
The dilemma of what to do about the neighbor is not the problem here. I have to say that, given my past experience, I would probably do the same thing. I would feel as though I had to protect an innocent child from an angry, abusive parent. I hear some minimizing of that in your post.
While I understand the need to take a break, it must feel to your daughter like a punishment. "You've made me angry, so now you have to go to your Dad's." That kind of message could exacerbate defiant behavior while at Dad's, couldn't it?
I think your instincts that counseling are needed are on target. My daughter went through a "difficult" phase after her dad and I split up. Counseling helped tremendously. She and I had a lot of feelings we needed to work through. She was the same age as your daughter at the time. She's 17 now and we have a much more mutually respectful relationship. There are still rough spots sometimes, but we have tools we can use to smooth them out.
L
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123 
Drama involved this child who was with her Dad. Her behavior with me was disrespectful, upsetting to my other kid and me, and rude I said it was time for her and I to take a break and she need to go live with Dad for a week.
I think your instincts that counseling are needed are on target. My daughter went through a "difficult" phase after her dad and I split up. Counseling helped tremendously. She and I had a lot of feelings we needed to work through. She was the same age as your daughter at the time. She's 17 now and we have a much more mutually respectful relationship. There are still rough spots sometimes, but we have tools we can use to smooth them out.
L
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
My dilemma: I am thankful this woman cared about my child. BUT, I am angry that this woman did not listen to me. I am angry that this woman, who did not know the full story, did not ask me for the story, took it upon herself to take over my role as parent. She would not give my child back to her dad because he appeared angry. She allowed my child to manipulate her. Her husband also got involved and kept my child from me. How dare they do this.
Wouldn't mean I think the worst or was trying to usurp the child's parents, or think I know best just would mean I didn't have a clue and couldn't have a mistake on my conscience.
I hope if this ever happens to my kids someone does the same.
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