This is my life with a drunk husband.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by tigger11 
Dear HW -
Oh my goodness yes, most of us have been exactly where you are. And I am one of those who includes being abused in my marriage. One of the things I've had to realize is that the alcoholic and/or drug user and/or abuser rarely "gets better". In fact, they almost always get progressively worse. We try, in the beginning, to reason with them, try to make them see what their abusive behavior is doing to them and to us. It is so clear to us. But logic and reason don't work with our abusers (alcohol/drug/violence). Rather, they justify, blame anyone but themselves, further self-medicate to squash any guilt they might have (which isn't much).
With my STBXAH (soon to be ex alcoholic husband), I was looking for a dream man and thought he was it. Trying to distinguish the dream from reality is incredibly difficult, but it can be done.
And as several here have said, once you make the break from the abuse, and start to heal and grow, the end result is an exponentially much better life for yourself, your child, and your future.
HUGS to you HW! Stick around, there is an endless supply of hope and help on this wonderful Forum.
Oh my goodness yes, most of us have been exactly where you are. And I am one of those who includes being abused in my marriage. One of the things I've had to realize is that the alcoholic and/or drug user and/or abuser rarely "gets better". In fact, they almost always get progressively worse. We try, in the beginning, to reason with them, try to make them see what their abusive behavior is doing to them and to us. It is so clear to us. But logic and reason don't work with our abusers (alcohol/drug/violence). Rather, they justify, blame anyone but themselves, further self-medicate to squash any guilt they might have (which isn't much).
With my STBXAH (soon to be ex alcoholic husband), I was looking for a dream man and thought he was it. Trying to distinguish the dream from reality is incredibly difficult, but it can be done.
And as several here have said, once you make the break from the abuse, and start to heal and grow, the end result is an exponentially much better life for yourself, your child, and your future.
HUGS to you HW! Stick around, there is an endless supply of hope and help on this wonderful Forum.
It is impossible to predict who and/or when they will recover. I suggest you don't hold your breath until he chooses sobriety cause it may happen tomorrow, next week, next year, or never. If Jesus came back to earth and told him to quit, believe me, he wouldn't give a rats ass.
The best thing you and any family members can do is live your lives, enjoy life, have fun, be happy, treat yourselves well. I know this is very difficult for you to do at this time. I was in your shoes, as were all of us.
Whatever happens or doesn't happen with him is out of your influence, short of setting boundaries.
Until if and when he decides to get sober, the problem will progress and he will deteriorate further.
Big hug and kiss from all of us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
[QUOTE=Bucyn;2501419]You aren't going to get what you want.
You can change what you want though, to something that you can get.
What you want, him to change, is as impossible as you wanting your little boy to change into a little girl. If it's important to you to have a little girl, then rather than waiting for your son to become one, you should adopt or have another child. But if you wait for your son to turn into a little girl, you are wasting your life; and if you try to force him to become one, you are going to destroy both of you.
Will your husband change. Almost certainly. But not likely as you imagine. If he doesn't get treatment, he will change for the worse. It's inevitable. If he does change, he will change his way, in a direction that serves his needs, not those of you and your son.
[QUOTE]
HOLY SMOKES are you ON FIRE Bucyn!
This is fabulous stuff!!
Thanks!!!
You can change what you want though, to something that you can get.
What you want, him to change, is as impossible as you wanting your little boy to change into a little girl. If it's important to you to have a little girl, then rather than waiting for your son to become one, you should adopt or have another child. But if you wait for your son to turn into a little girl, you are wasting your life; and if you try to force him to become one, you are going to destroy both of you.
Will your husband change. Almost certainly. But not likely as you imagine. If he doesn't get treatment, he will change for the worse. It's inevitable. If he does change, he will change his way, in a direction that serves his needs, not those of you and your son.
[QUOTE]
HOLY SMOKES are you ON FIRE Bucyn!
This is fabulous stuff!!
Thanks!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Agree with you all, been there, done that and have the physical and mental scars to prove it all.
I had more chance of turning from the ordinary, ill old woman I was then, into a beautiful young woman, than I had of changing him into the man I wanted him to be.
Gave up the fight for him, and began fighting to get ME back.
At 65 I am better than I have been in years, but hope you don't wait so long to do it.
God bless
I had more chance of turning from the ordinary, ill old woman I was then, into a beautiful young woman, than I had of changing him into the man I wanted him to be.
Gave up the fight for him, and began fighting to get ME back.
At 65 I am better than I have been in years, but hope you don't wait so long to do it.
God bless
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Wow.
now that - is a first post.
Welcome to Soberrecovery, hon.
I hope you'll take and thoroughly think about the advice you've gotten here.
one thing was so beautifully written -
Yes.
I hope more than anything else you come away with from this first post -
you are not alone.
Look how many others answered 'yes' to that statement.
Myself included.
Welcome.
The people on this website will stand with you,
all the way through.
Something not many people in 3-D
will actually DO... when you really need 'em.
Welcome.
he was on his way to kill the horses.
now that - is a first post.
Welcome to Soberrecovery, hon.
I hope you'll take and thoroughly think about the advice you've gotten here.
one thing was so beautifully written -
Do you know what it's like to see the one you love with their eyes vacant and hollow, with no expression on their face, and to feel so completely terrified and afraid of what they may be capable of?
I hope more than anything else you come away with from this first post -
you are not alone.
Look how many others answered 'yes' to that statement.
Myself included.
Welcome.
The people on this website will stand with you,
all the way through.
Something not many people in 3-D
will actually DO... when you really need 'em.
Welcome.
he was on his way to kill the horses.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: portsmouth
Posts: 1
is this still active
I could have wrote this post myself...I'm always reading forums and books but I've never related to anything like this, although we have 5 children together. What happened to you? My husband gave up drinking for a year and half and has recently started again, I'm so miserable and he does not care anymore lol. I don't know where to turn to get the help and strength to end this marriage, I don't want to give up on our beautiful family he is a good father
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This thread is years old, so probably not. If you go to the top of the F&F home page there will be an option to start a new thread and tell your story. Hugs and welcome. You've come to the right place, though I'm sorry for what brought you here.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by lostwidow
I could have wrote this post myself...I'm always reading forums and books but I've never related to anything like this, although we have 5 children together. What happened to you? My husband gave up drinking for a year and half and has recently started again, I'm so miserable and he does not care anymore lol. I don't know where to turn to get the help and strength to end this marriage, I don't want to give up on our beautiful family he is a good father
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
The poster is still here under a different name. I will allow her to disclose her new username if she chooses. However, she has recently left her abusive, alcoholic husband and is grower stronger, happier and more confident every day.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what you mean by the hollow vacant look in their eyes and being terrified.
My husband used to interrogate me about my past too. Turns out he's the one doing all the cheating. I'm getting ready to leave him and I'm scared but happy at the same time.
Keep posting. The support here is amazing.
My husband used to interrogate me about my past too. Turns out he's the one doing all the cheating. I'm getting ready to leave him and I'm scared but happy at the same time.
Keep posting. The support here is amazing.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Welcome to SR. I read your post and could feel the pain and confusion you are experiencing. My separated AH is also a binge drinker and I understand when you say just as you are about to trust him he goes off. My H and I were together 18 years and throughout that time he had periods of sobriety but they never lasted before he went back to drinking and it was always worse then before he gave up, almost as though he was making up for the time he didn't drink. I did everything for him, supported him, encouraged him loved him and never gave up on him as there was a sweet loving man underneath who would have been so remorseful after drinking and promised the world, but was never able to follow through. He knew he would never follow through but continued to promise. I am only beginning to realise that the alcoholic and the loving kind man I know underneath is the same person, he knew how much he was hurting me but things didn't change. He eventually walked out preferring to drink.
You can't change him, I'm sorry but nothing you do will make him stop drinking only he can make this choice. You have to protect you and your son and focus on your recovery. I agree about reading co dependency no more but also how to stop being addicted to a person, I'm addicted to my AH and like you begged and pleaded with him to not drink, not risk our family, to not leave. The best advice I received was going no contact unless about the kids, now that's hard and I've broken it so many times but when I do t have contact with him I feel emotionally stronger and able to focus on me not him. This disease is not a reflection on you or your worth as a person but a reflection on him. I am sorry but his addiction is what is running the show and his love for alcohol is much stronger than his love for you and his son. I'm sorry I know that is and to hear, believe me the first time I read it I cried but I have slowly started to accept it and it's because addiction is stronger, the power it has over your husband is so strong that only he can seek help to break it's hold and prevent it from destroying his life. Addiction is a progressive illness and your situation will only get worse until he is ready. So again I say look after you and stand strong, don't give ultimatums unless you can follow them through but it's good that your away from the situation, give yourself some breathing space and don't respond to his calls and texts
Please look after yourself, protect yourself and your son.
I wish you peace and clarity
You can't change him, I'm sorry but nothing you do will make him stop drinking only he can make this choice. You have to protect you and your son and focus on your recovery. I agree about reading co dependency no more but also how to stop being addicted to a person, I'm addicted to my AH and like you begged and pleaded with him to not drink, not risk our family, to not leave. The best advice I received was going no contact unless about the kids, now that's hard and I've broken it so many times but when I do t have contact with him I feel emotionally stronger and able to focus on me not him. This disease is not a reflection on you or your worth as a person but a reflection on him. I am sorry but his addiction is what is running the show and his love for alcohol is much stronger than his love for you and his son. I'm sorry I know that is and to hear, believe me the first time I read it I cried but I have slowly started to accept it and it's because addiction is stronger, the power it has over your husband is so strong that only he can seek help to break it's hold and prevent it from destroying his life. Addiction is a progressive illness and your situation will only get worse until he is ready. So again I say look after you and stand strong, don't give ultimatums unless you can follow them through but it's good that your away from the situation, give yourself some breathing space and don't respond to his calls and texts
Please look after yourself, protect yourself and your son.
I wish you peace and clarity
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Hi lost!
I am the OP of this thread. I was quite shocked to see it again, to be honest, and felt a little ill when I read it.
It's been more than four years since I wrote that, and I can honestly say I'm happier in many ways than I have been in years.
My husband continued on that pattern of episodic binge drinking. He did quit for an entire year at one point, only to relapse even harder. He is still not a daily or even weekly drinker, but the scary situations I was finding myself in became too much for me and I couldn't live with bringing my children up in that environment.
It took a long time, and a lot of reading here, but as someone mentioned already, I moved out with my boys in April of this year. I was terrified but I felt I had no choice. My husband is on his own now to deal with his issues and try to straighten his life out. He is currently undergoing some medical treatment because the doctors have found a couple of issues with his brain. Could that be the root of some of his anger issues? It could be true, but that's not for me to figure out. I have been working at letting go with love and it is the best thing I could have ever done for my family. He is surprisingly taking a very active role in co-parenting, and my kids are happier for it. I was so afraid to leave him for so long, thinking he would die without me. I imagined him lying there drinking every day and losing his job. Surprisingly, that hasn't been the case so far. It seems like my leaving him on his own has forced him to look in the mirror every day and take care of himself. He does his own grocery shopping and laundry, and pays the bills himself. He has the occasional angry outburst toward me, but I am coming here for support when that happens and more and more, I realize that's now own anger toward himself and always has been.
I am sleeping very, very well at night now. I used to worry, literally every single day, about whether or not he was drinking. I was even afraid to stand up for myself because I was afraid if I upset him, he might drink. And him drink = not a fun night for me. I feel much more confident now, knowing I did the right thing for my kids. I don't know what lies ahead for our family, and I don't know what AH will decide to do with his life, but I have more hope now than ever! I let fear rule my life for seven long years, because I didn't want to feel like a failure or abandon my husband. But I had done all I could do, and given all I could give. I begged and pleaded, I tried to be a good wife. I am still his wife, and I still honor that vow. I haven't made any official decisions to divorce yet. There is time for that. But right now is time for healing. I realize that he may heal, he may not. My job is to heal myself and my children, and if he wants to join us, wonderful, but we will be alright no matter what
Message me anytime!
I am the OP of this thread. I was quite shocked to see it again, to be honest, and felt a little ill when I read it.
It's been more than four years since I wrote that, and I can honestly say I'm happier in many ways than I have been in years.
My husband continued on that pattern of episodic binge drinking. He did quit for an entire year at one point, only to relapse even harder. He is still not a daily or even weekly drinker, but the scary situations I was finding myself in became too much for me and I couldn't live with bringing my children up in that environment.
It took a long time, and a lot of reading here, but as someone mentioned already, I moved out with my boys in April of this year. I was terrified but I felt I had no choice. My husband is on his own now to deal with his issues and try to straighten his life out. He is currently undergoing some medical treatment because the doctors have found a couple of issues with his brain. Could that be the root of some of his anger issues? It could be true, but that's not for me to figure out. I have been working at letting go with love and it is the best thing I could have ever done for my family. He is surprisingly taking a very active role in co-parenting, and my kids are happier for it. I was so afraid to leave him for so long, thinking he would die without me. I imagined him lying there drinking every day and losing his job. Surprisingly, that hasn't been the case so far. It seems like my leaving him on his own has forced him to look in the mirror every day and take care of himself. He does his own grocery shopping and laundry, and pays the bills himself. He has the occasional angry outburst toward me, but I am coming here for support when that happens and more and more, I realize that's now own anger toward himself and always has been.
I am sleeping very, very well at night now. I used to worry, literally every single day, about whether or not he was drinking. I was even afraid to stand up for myself because I was afraid if I upset him, he might drink. And him drink = not a fun night for me. I feel much more confident now, knowing I did the right thing for my kids. I don't know what lies ahead for our family, and I don't know what AH will decide to do with his life, but I have more hope now than ever! I let fear rule my life for seven long years, because I didn't want to feel like a failure or abandon my husband. But I had done all I could do, and given all I could give. I begged and pleaded, I tried to be a good wife. I am still his wife, and I still honor that vow. I haven't made any official decisions to divorce yet. There is time for that. But right now is time for healing. I realize that he may heal, he may not. My job is to heal myself and my children, and if he wants to join us, wonderful, but we will be alright no matter what
Message me anytime!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
I want to send you hugs and support. I am where you are. My *a* never abused me physically, but everyone in this sector of the recovery site has been abused in one way or another. Some of the things that are written here, I think.... wtheck was that about, as it seems harsh and brass and in your face. I came here, needing support. Some of the posts seemed so hurtful, even though they were being so supportive, and that, is what I found is within me... the truth that we know within ourselves but so hard to let go of that person we felt we fell in love with. I read nearly every post on here. I try to comment, but sometimes do not, as I don't feel I always have my footing on the wisdom as some people here have been supporting each other and getting their footing for years, and their wisdom far surpasses mine, through their research, alanon, and reading. Please listen to what people offer. Know that sometimes it is going to look and sound really not so fun, and it is going to be so difficult. However, that difficulty is what we are helping create.
While I was reading through the responses, I started getting teary... and when I came across Findingpeace's writing, I just had to swallow, as this was meant for you, there are things here that are going to trigger all of us... and we are going to learn from each other as well... but her words...
The little girl in you who is trying SO HARD to be good enough, to hold it together, to make it okay...you can tell her to come sit in your lap. She can stop. She is enough.
Read those words again and again.... and when you read them enough to understand, read them again and again....
Sending you hugs and peace. Be kind to yourself, I trust you with that....
While I was reading through the responses, I started getting teary... and when I came across Findingpeace's writing, I just had to swallow, as this was meant for you, there are things here that are going to trigger all of us... and we are going to learn from each other as well... but her words...
The little girl in you who is trying SO HARD to be good enough, to hold it together, to make it okay...you can tell her to come sit in your lap. She can stop. She is enough.
Read those words again and again.... and when you read them enough to understand, read them again and again....
Sending you hugs and peace. Be kind to yourself, I trust you with that....
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
God bless you and your baby. Unless he *fully commits* himself to getting sober, this is unfortunately what life with him will be -- abusive, anxious, scary, awful. For now, be content to be safe with people that love you. It's the best place for you right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
I've seen those eyes on my exabf. We were on a trip in Switzerland and I was stuck in a very small room with him as he was in the midst of the worst binge I have seen. He wasn't trying to be mean, but he grabbed me up and my back was against the wall. He was trying to be sexy and he put his face about an two inches from mine and those eyes...it broke my heart, because I believe that was the moment that I gained a little reality...in those eyes were emptiness and they appeared so old and worn...it was sad and repulsive at the same time.
Hang in there, you are not alone. As always, coming to SR helps me put it into perspective when I am fledging on my own.
Hang in there, you are not alone. As always, coming to SR helps me put it into perspective when I am fledging on my own.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
