Why is this so hard and feels so wrong?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
Why is this so hard and feels so wrong?
My RAH had a relapse last weekend after 19 months sober, but it was a bad relapse where he disappeared for 2 nights and went clear over to the drug side and terrified both himself and me. He checked into detox on Monday. We've been having quick but polite chats every night but I told him yesterday that I didn't want him to come home yet, that I needed some headspace around this. We didn't really get into it, tho.
There were so many 'what ifs' that could have happened - money was spent (a lot), credit cards were stolen, I changed deadbolts on the house once he went missing, etc.
So today he calls me and he says he could sign up for a daytox program at the center, but he was hoping he could come home to stay while he did that and his regular meetings - he would hardly ever be home. The nurse told him that he needed as much stability as possible, and that transition houses were iffy (possibility of drugs around, etc). But I stuck to my guns and said I needed time, that I went through a traumatic experience (of which we both did, I know, but I'm thinking about me right now). He sounded so sad. He said he wouldn't try to convince me and that he still had to come home at some point to finish up some of the things he had left before the relapse binge occurred. I suggested staying with family, or friends, or getting his own place. He said he was resourceful and would think of something.
It was SOOO tempting to say okay, to have him home, to be a family again. Our DD (she's almost 6) misses him so much (she's too young to remember the difficult days before recovery). I miss him. I know he feels bad. I'm not doing this to punish him but it feels like I am. He's not a bad man, he's a sick man. But he's my husband, we've been together 18 years and we have a daughter. I can't imagine life without him, but at the same time, I have to.
I know that he has to get back on the horse, not beat himself up. I'm trying not to add to that and trying to keep it about me but it also affects him and bah, now I'm rambling.
I got off the phone and bawled my face off. It hurts SO much. I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing or not. I just can't go through that drug thing again - no wait, I don't WANT to go through that again. I need to see him work his recovery 110%, not the 90% (and dwindling right before the relapse). He never did have a sponsor, for instance.
Plus I'm extra emotional today as my grandfather passed away last night. This almost two weeks after my step-grandpa died. It's been a helluva start to 2010...
Does it sound like I'm on the right track? Or am I letting fear of the unknown (how this relapse is going to affect him with regards to his attempts at recovery - starting all over again) holding me back?
There were so many 'what ifs' that could have happened - money was spent (a lot), credit cards were stolen, I changed deadbolts on the house once he went missing, etc.
So today he calls me and he says he could sign up for a daytox program at the center, but he was hoping he could come home to stay while he did that and his regular meetings - he would hardly ever be home. The nurse told him that he needed as much stability as possible, and that transition houses were iffy (possibility of drugs around, etc). But I stuck to my guns and said I needed time, that I went through a traumatic experience (of which we both did, I know, but I'm thinking about me right now). He sounded so sad. He said he wouldn't try to convince me and that he still had to come home at some point to finish up some of the things he had left before the relapse binge occurred. I suggested staying with family, or friends, or getting his own place. He said he was resourceful and would think of something.
It was SOOO tempting to say okay, to have him home, to be a family again. Our DD (she's almost 6) misses him so much (she's too young to remember the difficult days before recovery). I miss him. I know he feels bad. I'm not doing this to punish him but it feels like I am. He's not a bad man, he's a sick man. But he's my husband, we've been together 18 years and we have a daughter. I can't imagine life without him, but at the same time, I have to.
I know that he has to get back on the horse, not beat himself up. I'm trying not to add to that and trying to keep it about me but it also affects him and bah, now I'm rambling.
I got off the phone and bawled my face off. It hurts SO much. I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing or not. I just can't go through that drug thing again - no wait, I don't WANT to go through that again. I need to see him work his recovery 110%, not the 90% (and dwindling right before the relapse). He never did have a sponsor, for instance.
Plus I'm extra emotional today as my grandfather passed away last night. This almost two weeks after my step-grandpa died. It's been a helluva start to 2010...
Does it sound like I'm on the right track? Or am I letting fear of the unknown (how this relapse is going to affect him with regards to his attempts at recovery - starting all over again) holding me back?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
First, I'm so sorry about your grandparents, rock. 
This is a lot for you to go through all at once.
Personally, I think you're doing the only sane thing you can do. How much longer do you want to live like this? Until he gets in some kind of drug/money trouble on one of his benders and someone hurts your daughter? This is ugly, ugly stuff he dabbles in when he's in active addiction. And the old adage applies perfectly here: Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You're not a bad person -- in fact I find you extremely brave, even though your heart wants to take the path of least resistance, back into "everything's okay" with him, your mind is strong and is protecting you.
He will be fine. He can be somewhere else, work his program, and you can see how it goes. Addicts who are protected from the repercussions of their actions remain addicts.
Please take tender care of yourself and your daughter. And please try not to give in to the siren song of "maybe everything will be just fine THIS time....."
This is a lot for you to go through all at once.Personally, I think you're doing the only sane thing you can do. How much longer do you want to live like this? Until he gets in some kind of drug/money trouble on one of his benders and someone hurts your daughter? This is ugly, ugly stuff he dabbles in when he's in active addiction. And the old adage applies perfectly here: Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You're not a bad person -- in fact I find you extremely brave, even though your heart wants to take the path of least resistance, back into "everything's okay" with him, your mind is strong and is protecting you.
He will be fine. He can be somewhere else, work his program, and you can see how it goes. Addicts who are protected from the repercussions of their actions remain addicts.
Please take tender care of yourself and your daughter. And please try not to give in to the siren song of "maybe everything will be just fine THIS time....."
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I'm very sorry to hear about your Grandfather. Prayers ad thoughts with you.
Rock wrote: I don't think so.
I think you're being subtly manipulated into feeling that way
by 'mr. woe-is-me-sad-eye'd-many-sighs'.
You know -
there was a consequence.
You set a boundary.
HE knew there would be.
But he also banked on not having to PAY that consequence.
And that... is disrespect.
It's saying YOU aren't REALLY an equal partner
because when YOU make a consequence.... it doesn't matter.
Only HIS actions and problems ... matter.
I hope
this sudden loss of family
doesn't make a hole
that he is going to crawl back into.
Because they're always hunting for a way back in to the easy life.
He needs to pay ALL the consequences of his actions.
If you don't hold to that -
you will never get that ground back again.
It has to do with HIM having a problem, and being sick, yes.
But it ALSO has to do with respect.
With honor.
And with INTEGRITY.
He's not a 'bad' man, probably.
But he *did* a *bad* thing.
If you hand him back the keys,
he'll just take it for granted.
For granted next time he 'has' to binge.
YOU have a right to be respected.
Letting him set the means by which he comes back
when You've said no -
robs him of the opportunity
to earn some integrity
and be good to his word.
Don't rob him of that.
This is the only way... he will actually DO it, IMHO.
*prayers*
Rock wrote:
I'm not doing this to punish him but it feels like I am.
I think you're being subtly manipulated into feeling that way
by 'mr. woe-is-me-sad-eye'd-many-sighs'.
You know -
there was a consequence.
You set a boundary.
HE knew there would be.
But he also banked on not having to PAY that consequence.
And that... is disrespect.
It's saying YOU aren't REALLY an equal partner
because when YOU make a consequence.... it doesn't matter.
Only HIS actions and problems ... matter.
I hope
this sudden loss of family
doesn't make a hole
that he is going to crawl back into.
Because they're always hunting for a way back in to the easy life.
He needs to pay ALL the consequences of his actions.
If you don't hold to that -
you will never get that ground back again.
It has to do with HIM having a problem, and being sick, yes.
But it ALSO has to do with respect.
With honor.
And with INTEGRITY.
He's not a 'bad' man, probably.
But he *did* a *bad* thing.
If you hand him back the keys,
he'll just take it for granted.
For granted next time he 'has' to binge.
YOU have a right to be respected.
Letting him set the means by which he comes back
when You've said no -
robs him of the opportunity
to earn some integrity
and be good to his word.
Don't rob him of that.
This is the only way... he will actually DO it, IMHO.
*prayers*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
I felt better after I posted, bawled my face off, then prayed a lot. And cried some more. Then fell asleep.
He decided to go back temporarily to the sober living section of the rehab he went to as they had a room available immediately for him. Temporarily because it's pricey (great, more $$) but also because he had nowhere else to go right away except home and that wasn't going to happen, as much as it hurt me to say so. Over the next week or so, he's going to research transitional housing or other options and go from there. Apparently some are better than others, and he'd prefer not to go to one that has rampant drug use.
He came home, got his things together, and spent a little time with our daughter to explain to her what was happening (she cried - it was heartbreaking for all of us). He told her he was sick and was going away to get better, and that he would call her or email her every night. We talked a bit while he was packing and he said to take my time, not worry about him, and that he wouldn't ask to come back but would wait until I was ready, if ever; that he would focus on his recovery and I was to focus on taking care of myself and our daughter. He said he understood where I was coming from and was sorry. He realized that it had probably been the toughest week of my life with two deaths and his relapse. I know he's sorry. I know this sucks for him. I feel for him, but not enough to go through the whole beginning recovery process all over again. I need time to see improvement and full recovery efforts. I pray that those happen, but the hope I once had has been diminished a bit. But I still hope.
He also promised that things would get better, not to worry about the money. I know he means it when he says it, but again, they're unfortunately just words.
I did hug him and tell him I loved him. I drove him to the ferry terminal and he arranged for a friend to pick him up on the other side and give him a ride to the center. So he took care of the arrangements all by himself.
I came home, then went to visit my parents just to get out of my head. It all feels so surreal. I can't believe I actually did it, and that he actually went with my feelings for once, without guilt or accusations or threats as he used to way back when. He also brought up our February trip to Disneyland for our daughter's 6th birthday, which I was avoiding because I wasn't sure how he would take to the fact that I still wanted to take our daughter but not with him so early into recovery again (did that last time - he closet drank the whole time but kept it under control, but it was still awkward). But he actually suggested I go without him, take my Mom or a friend. I was shocked. I pray that means he's truly on the road to recovery but only time will tell. I pray SO hard. It's the only thing that gives me peace.
It is sad. That's a lot of years. We basically grew up together and have been through so much, and the past 19 months had really started to rediscover one another again. It's scary because the future is so unknown but I have to have faith that I am on the right path and that my HP is looking out for me. He's protected us both from so much. So many miracles have happened, even through this last episode. It could have been so much worse for all of us.
So time will tell. I appreciate all the support here. I am sort of mourning, but I will snap out of it eventually. So much has happened these past couple weeks that it's overwhelming at times. But I'll just take it one day at a time. It's all I can do.
Rock
He decided to go back temporarily to the sober living section of the rehab he went to as they had a room available immediately for him. Temporarily because it's pricey (great, more $$) but also because he had nowhere else to go right away except home and that wasn't going to happen, as much as it hurt me to say so. Over the next week or so, he's going to research transitional housing or other options and go from there. Apparently some are better than others, and he'd prefer not to go to one that has rampant drug use.
He came home, got his things together, and spent a little time with our daughter to explain to her what was happening (she cried - it was heartbreaking for all of us). He told her he was sick and was going away to get better, and that he would call her or email her every night. We talked a bit while he was packing and he said to take my time, not worry about him, and that he wouldn't ask to come back but would wait until I was ready, if ever; that he would focus on his recovery and I was to focus on taking care of myself and our daughter. He said he understood where I was coming from and was sorry. He realized that it had probably been the toughest week of my life with two deaths and his relapse. I know he's sorry. I know this sucks for him. I feel for him, but not enough to go through the whole beginning recovery process all over again. I need time to see improvement and full recovery efforts. I pray that those happen, but the hope I once had has been diminished a bit. But I still hope.
He also promised that things would get better, not to worry about the money. I know he means it when he says it, but again, they're unfortunately just words.
I did hug him and tell him I loved him. I drove him to the ferry terminal and he arranged for a friend to pick him up on the other side and give him a ride to the center. So he took care of the arrangements all by himself.
I came home, then went to visit my parents just to get out of my head. It all feels so surreal. I can't believe I actually did it, and that he actually went with my feelings for once, without guilt or accusations or threats as he used to way back when. He also brought up our February trip to Disneyland for our daughter's 6th birthday, which I was avoiding because I wasn't sure how he would take to the fact that I still wanted to take our daughter but not with him so early into recovery again (did that last time - he closet drank the whole time but kept it under control, but it was still awkward). But he actually suggested I go without him, take my Mom or a friend. I was shocked. I pray that means he's truly on the road to recovery but only time will tell. I pray SO hard. It's the only thing that gives me peace.
It is sad. That's a lot of years. We basically grew up together and have been through so much, and the past 19 months had really started to rediscover one another again. It's scary because the future is so unknown but I have to have faith that I am on the right path and that my HP is looking out for me. He's protected us both from so much. So many miracles have happened, even through this last episode. It could have been so much worse for all of us.
So time will tell. I appreciate all the support here. I am sort of mourning, but I will snap out of it eventually. So much has happened these past couple weeks that it's overwhelming at times. But I'll just take it one day at a time. It's all I can do.
Rock
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Rock -
yes it is sad. But I can feel from this mail that you're in a much better place in your head... and that's what's important right now.
I am glad to read that he isn't going to try and slide back in on the 'grief ticket' ... maybe there's some hope there.
Well done.
*hugs*
yes it is sad. But I can feel from this mail that you're in a much better place in your head... and that's what's important right now.
I am glad to read that he isn't going to try and slide back in on the 'grief ticket' ... maybe there's some hope there.
Well done.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
When it comes to the "grief" scenes, the "poor me bits" etc, seeing some of the A's I have known in the past has almost had me in tears even tho I KNEW it was not for real. Most of the performances could have had me giving them a standing ovation.
Come to ABF and all my knowledge and experience went out the door, and I fell for the same lines, over and over for years til finally something snapped and I quit believing or even wanting to believe.
When I called him on his "misery", by asking why he didn't seek help to address those issues it rocked him.....where had his sympathetic fall girl go to?
Letting him sort his life out (up to now anyway) gave me space to do what I needed to do to sort out mine. I mourned the lost and wasted years, and was angry with myself for not doing this so much earlier......now I just accept that I WAS NOT READY until that shining moment when my brain clicked and said "this is the same load of bull, and I am not listening anymore".
Now it is up to your AH to match his actions to his words, and for you both and your girl, I do so hope he does this, and you get back the husband and father you want.
Only time will tell if that is to happen, and you have that time to come to terms with what you need and want for yourself and daughter in the future.
At least he is doing something about it, taking some first steps, which is more than so many others posted about here have done.
God bless
Come to ABF and all my knowledge and experience went out the door, and I fell for the same lines, over and over for years til finally something snapped and I quit believing or even wanting to believe.
When I called him on his "misery", by asking why he didn't seek help to address those issues it rocked him.....where had his sympathetic fall girl go to?
Letting him sort his life out (up to now anyway) gave me space to do what I needed to do to sort out mine. I mourned the lost and wasted years, and was angry with myself for not doing this so much earlier......now I just accept that I WAS NOT READY until that shining moment when my brain clicked and said "this is the same load of bull, and I am not listening anymore".
Now it is up to your AH to match his actions to his words, and for you both and your girl, I do so hope he does this, and you get back the husband and father you want.
Only time will tell if that is to happen, and you have that time to come to terms with what you need and want for yourself and daughter in the future.
At least he is doing something about it, taking some first steps, which is more than so many others posted about here have done.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
dear rock&hardplace-
it gets better with time. do the program, work the steps, reach out via alanon, take care of yourself. you've been thru a tragedy and have courageously taken the steps to save yourself and your daughter. take heart in that and be gentle and kind to yourself.
he's going to do what he's going to do. there really is nothing you can do to assist him at this point...he's got to do it himself. tough to swallow, but it is the truth.
take care,
naive
it gets better with time. do the program, work the steps, reach out via alanon, take care of yourself. you've been thru a tragedy and have courageously taken the steps to save yourself and your daughter. take heart in that and be gentle and kind to yourself.
he's going to do what he's going to do. there really is nothing you can do to assist him at this point...he's got to do it himself. tough to swallow, but it is the truth.
take care,
naive
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