So Tired

After years and years of my AH's binge drinking, he's sucked me dry of any compassion, sympathy, or love, for that matter. He's a binge drinker, which leaves me on pins and needles between his binges. His longest "dry spell" was four years, and his last one was two years. When he binges, he literally goes crazy and will sit for days on the couch or in bed swilling booze and stinking up the house with his hideous body chemistry, babbling incoherently. The dry spell can last for years, months, or even only two weeks. He's on Prozac as well as the booze, quite a combination, eh? I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop.

He made a halfhearted attempt at suicide a couple of weeks ago. When I woke up from a nap, I found him (as usual) just sitting on the couch in front of the TV. He said "I'm bleeding." My response was "Where?" He showed me his arm and he had stabbed himself in the wrist. I calmly called 911, the troops arrived, and the rescue was on, with all neighbors in our condo complex watching the show. I was simply glad to get him out of the house and felt absolutely nothing. It was good to get a good night's sleep. The sheriff's department inquired if there were any weapons in the house, and with my blessing, collected all 11 of them. AH is a retired sergeant from the sheriff's office, how ironic is that???? The county hospital released him the next day while I was at work, sending him home in a cab. He had no shoes or coat or cell phone and was wandering in the cold for hours until I got home. Unbelieveable. I think this is termed as "neglect" and am thinking of suing the hospital. But that's another story. AH's favorite pasttime is when I try to sleep and he groans and babbles all night. My nerves are so shredded from sleep deprivation that one night I literally grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him until his eyes crossed. Felt good. I know, I know...it sounds like I'm ready to snap, and I am.

A couple of nights later, he was on his way to a Lifering meeting (a group here in California for addicts of just about anything - alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.) He just happened to swing by a bar, stopped in, and the next thing he knew he was being beaten by the cops, and taken to jail. He swears he remembers it all (selective memory, undoubtedly, since he usually says he doesn't remember anything on these escapades) and hadn't been doing anything. Hah, I'll bet. Suffice it to say, his hands were badly bruised, so I suspect "resisting" arrest had something to do with it.

Although I'm almost 67 (and in great health), I still work three days a week and collect social security. I just want to gather up my two cats, get away from this maniac, stop being his nursemaid, and let him make his own choices as to whether he wants to live or not. But we all know that's easy to say, hard to do. I followed up with his psychiatrist, who said this was "beyond his capacity" and then recommended that AH go to a special dependency group at Kaiser (our insurance provider). Hah. Now, doctor, good point but how am I going to get him there if he won't go?

Given my financial situation, I'm concerned about expenses and making it on my own. As we all know, jobs are precious and for all I know I could get laid off any day. AH has a generous, steady retirement income, and I have no idea whether I could get alimony payments since we live in California (land of the no fault divorce). We've only been married six years so I'm not sure I could collect anything. Suggestions anyone? I feel like a trapped animal who is slowly going rabid.

Live

Consult an attorney and start making a plan toward a healthy life for you.

With him, just remember
1 You didn't cause it
2 You can't control it
3 You can't cure it.

Bernadette

I agree with Live - talk to an attorney.

It sounds like you have crossed the line into physically abusive behavior, is there somewhere you can go to get away from him and start working exclusively on yourself and your own issues? Friends? Relatives? Your situation sounds dangerous and toxic to both of you.

peace-
b

Jadmack25

So Tired, I am so sorry for the situation you are in. No wonder you are So Tired, and of course worried at what lies ahead for you.

I wish I could say it will get better, that he will go to rehab and all will be well...BUT...I just can't do that and frankly I don't think you would believe me.

I agree with Live and Bernadette, in that you see an attorney ASAP and find out exactly what rights you have if you are forced to leave him.

I reckon 6 years with your AH is equal to 25 years of marriage, and probably feels that long to you.

I still can't figure how someone can make life such a hell, scare you as he has, force you into leaving for your sanity and health and they aint at fault. Sheesh!!!

Have you got somewhere you can go if you need to? If not, I suggest contacting an agency soon, as a precaution for your safety. If he has such little care for his life, he is incapable of caring much for anyone's, including yours.

No-one at our age, should have this stress put on them and if you can get the legal position clear for you, it may ease the stress you feel a little.

I have you in my prayers.

God bless

Carol Star

I went from living in a house on a beauiful lake in he Blue Ridge Mts. with an active alcoholic/addict to living alone in a basement apt. with my two cats. I am just careful with my $. There is no drama or chaos.......I am 59 and work a partime job. My new family are all in recovery,positive,fun.......You can do it.....The disease is progressive.... and if he doesn't embrace recovery.......let go or be dragged......

MsPINKAcres

((So Tired))
hate you are living in this -
many good suggestions here

I believe seeing an atty may be in your best interest - just to protect yourself.

I also am one that lost my beautiful home, force to file bankruptcy to stop liens against my paycheck for HIS bills, had to fight his claims for spousal support and all the other nightmares that go with divorcing an active addict/alcoholic - but let me reassure you I would rather live in a cardboard box on the side of the road than go back to where I was before -

FOR ME, It is much better NOT living with the active disease - just my point of view.

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity) to you,
Rita

transformyself

Welcome Sotired

I agree with the others. A meeting with an attorney will give you a sound view of the legal landscape, what your choices are.

Some A's do commit suicide after they've threatened. Some don't.

I will say that right now you're in the thick of it and it took months after leaving my AH to get some clarity. Walk through the intense feelings. For me when I left, I had to sort out why I stayed. I think I've done that and am more comfortable with it now. I don't beat myself up about it. Am still mad at him off and on but pushing through the at times confusing landscape.

My AH also talked about suicide, he still may, but doesn't do it with me.

A member here just experienced a suicide of her AH after she left. She had great advice and support for leaving. was at the end of her rope. left to maintain her sanity and her daughters too. His family blames her and so do some of her co-workers for not "doing more."

That is absolute insanity. You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. It's the drowning man syndrome. Go ahead and stay in that water with him, he'll pull you down too.

I liken it to the following scenerio: if my husband constantly talked about robbing a bank and I tried to talk him out of it, would I go along with him and help him because I couldn't stop him? Hold the gun? Be the watch out person?

I know the anger and disgust you're experiencing and hope you keep moving through-or out-of it.

transformyself

This place never ceases to amaze me. I said repeatedly after leaving AH that I would rather live in a hole in the dirt than with him.

So Tired

Thank you for your responses, my friends. They've given me a reality check and my spirits are buoyed already. Ironically, I work in a law firm but will check the area for free legal consultations (outside my firm, of course). I wish I could institutionalize this man! He is a danger to himself and others, as the majority of alcoholics are. I have reported him to the police and given his license number when he's participated in his binges but to no avail. They're too busy answering 911 calls and are stretched to their limits. I'm just thankful that all those guns are finally out of the house. It's hard to separate the fact that alcoholism and mental illness can often be two separate ailments or be hand and hand with each other, and my belief is that he is a victim of both.

nodaybut2day

Hi SoTired...as someone who also works in a law firm, I just wanted to suggest you look into the discounts you could obtain on legal fees through your EAP. I currently have a lawyer on retained that gives me 25% discount on her hourly rate, making it way more affordable for me to use her.

GiveLove

So Tired, I confess that I am worried for you. Alcohol + depression + ex-cop + suicidal thoughts can add up to a very dangerous situation for you. If he sees no value in his own life, I don't think he'd see much value in yours either. Is there any way you can get away from him? Do you have family, friends, colleagues, etc who might be able to help you? Or are there share rentals on the Peninsula that might be affordable?

I moved from my beautiful home, which I owned, to a small, cheap apartment in the city, and I was never happier. I had community, friends, activity, connection.....I didn't care where I lived as long as it wasn't in his black sphere of alcoholic depression any more. He too threatened suicide (never followed through) as did my alcoholic sister (stuck a knife in her own leg, for the drama). It's part of the chaos. I hope you can find some counsel that will help you to escape it.......and soon.

So Tired

Love, my relatives are on the other side of the U.S. My two sons are in California, one has MS and is unemployed, the other a couple of hours away. Unfortunately, there's no way I could get financial help from either since they're both unemployed after being laid off. I have lots of friends but no one who could really give me support other than moral. Yes, I have to get away but can't really count on financial security with so little in my 401(k) and given financial situation. He's a loose cannon for sure and will eventually have to fight the battle with his demons himself. Thanks for your input.

KerBearz

I have a friend who had her father committed because he was suicidal and a danger to himself and others. I have another friend who did the same thing with her adult son. I don't know the laws in other states, but this might be something I would consider. My BIL is an attorney and he mentioned this as a possibility regarding my AH.

My wish for you is safety, serenity, peace and wellness.

Hugs to you!