grrl77

I spoke with my ex boyfriend last night, over the phone. I had sent him a book for Christmas, that I knew he'd really like. He'd thanked me for it via e-mail, good enough. Last night, I'd shot him a text asking him what he was up to. I got some partial text that read, "Now is not the time. I'm sure you know this gift is"

Uh. Okay? So I wrote back, "Huh?" and then my phone's ringing. "I'm an ********," he says.
Me: ".... okay?"

He's drunk. "I've been ignoring you, that's it," he says.

Umm.. Well I just called to see how you were. "I'm good, I really love this book you sent, it was obviously really well thought out, it's perfect for me. It's just.. I didn't send you anything. I'm a selfish d*ck. I don't even get my cousins anything. I get my mom, dad, and brother something, that's it." Then he'd asked me about why I called the night before. It was obvious I was upset when I'd called, etc. (To be truthful I sort of remembered it. I've been going through a lot the last month or so, and my sister's having some tests done today that could potentially be bad. They think there's some issue w/ her heart. I'd been a crap day at work, and I wound up getting buzzed on half a bottle of merlot.) So I told him I'd just been worried about things, and I guessed I needed to talk to someone. But then the question that nagged at me earlier, swung into full force.

"Why have you been ignoring me?" I blurt out. Of course, he has no real good answer. He mentioned something about wanting to 'normalize' his life, we're broken up, we shouldn't talk about some of the stuff we talk about, the next day he always winds up feeling weird about it (it's usually sexual in nature, and he's probably right) and so I asked him (and i know this was against my better judgment) why he always felt the need to bring up he and I and the fact that we're broken up all the time. He does it all the time, and personally, I don't really believe he's over it, either. It's been awhile since it happened - fifteen months now, in fact. I'd fallen in love huge, and he basically randomly ended it, giving me no real good reason, other than the glaringly obvious - he didn't wanna quit drinking. I guess I'd fallen in love w/ the guy deep down, beyond all the sick, y'know? So there's this part of me, that feels like he's not over me, and I know sometimes I think I'm not totally over him, either. But yeah, right, is he going to admit this. And I know better. He'd just baited me into something, and now I couldn't get out. "Oh I guess I say that stuff because of my own cockiness. I sometimes think everyone wants me. Everyone wants to employ me. Everyone wants to be my friend. That's my own downfall." Me: "So it has nothing to do with the fact that you maybe aren't totally over us." *sigh* (Why am I f*cking doing this? Seriously? His actions don't always display that he's 'over us,' if you will. I obsess about it even though even if he wasn't, it wouldn't matter. He's a drinker. He's got no intention to quit yet.) As if good's going to come from this conversation, even if it was true. He's baited me into a discussion that's going to go nowhere, fast. I get the, "Well, what do you want me to say? I got bored." He gets bored with every girl he's with. So he's just talking now, I don't even hear him. I'm realizing that nothing he's saying is really making a lot of sense.

Now he's frustrated. "I'm an ********, Jenn. Why aren't you picking up on this? I'm the drunk. I provide you nothing. Why are you still around? I don't understand. I'm a jerk." (all this is blather at this point, we really don't talk a lot to begin with. I don't see him much online anymore. I reach out to him occassionally to see how he is, every once in awhile, he'll shoot me an instant message with a song link and we'll chat a bit.) What's he want me to say? "Yeah, you're right." So I say well... I guess I see ya beyond your problem. I know deep down you're a good guy. I know who you are. I guess it's why I'm able to pick out amazing books for ya, eh? (Trying to keep it light hearted at this point.) Then he launches back into asking why I called last night, it was obvious I was crying. So I told him my sister could be sick. He's not picking up on the why I called bit still. "Okay...?" "Okay, so I guess I was in need of someone to talk to." "Well yeah, but heh. *scoff*.. That's your sister! Don't you have any friends closer?"

Silence. No clue what to say at this point. "Don't I have anybody closer? Really?" He says nothing. Then as some offering of comfort, "If your sister's laying in bed at home right now, she's obviously fine. She's not on her deathbed in some hospital. It's just that this is the fifth call or something I've gotten about someone being sick in your family, and they always turn out okay." (2nd actually.) And he's saying all this, and.. I suddenly just... felt this overwhelming urge to run. Run from this poison. Run from this vitrolic man who IS an ********. He's a self-centered pr*ck. He's telling me that a lot of times when I call, he ignores my calls when he's sober. Whether I wanna believe that or not. He launches into how he met my landlords when he was here, and they were nice people (he knows they're like my second parents) but that they're stupid because they like to go to the casino once in awhile, and how it's a waste of money and how gambling in general is worse for society than alcoholism! Yeah!

So I have this combo of emotions running through me. I'm angry. I'm so, so, so very angry. I'm hurt. I'm ... laughing? Because it's so ridiculous? I realize I'm not a victim here, I'm a healthy smart girl who got caught up w/ this man who's broken, this man that has no friends, and gee, I wonder why? Him and his heightened sense of self? I'm a good girl, I'm sweet, thoughtful, friendly, and he basically said that I can be all those things, and because he's not used to it, he doesn't know what to do, and just because people might be nice to him and afford him their kindness and like him doesn't oblige him to basically give the same back, or feel the same way back. Blah, blah, blah.

It's like a complete WTF moment. I'm sitting here at work, not able to focus on anything, yet feeling a mixture of being angry, and... free? Yeah, free. I can't explain it. Almost released from this ******** once and for all, and I don't know why. I don't know why he hates me so much, I don't know why he's the way he is, other than he's a drinker, and that I deserve *so much better* than this. He, himself, the drunk asked me point blank: Why do you put up with this? My answer was, "Because I keep thinking you'll come around and realize the good in me." What? I'm waiting for him to REALIZE THE GOOD IN ME? What about ME realizing the good in me?!

I'm sorry, I don't even know where this post is going. I'm so pissed off, so ashamed that it took my alcoholic ex who was trashed, to ask me that for me to go "huh?" which makes me realize I've got more issues of my own than I realized. I've been reading Codependent No More, and it's been great. I've been coming here, and you guys have given me so much support that's helped immensely, and I just feel like this conversation with him last night, has thrown me completely back to step 1, and I'm ashamed of that. Then there's this other jacked up part of me that feels... elated! Like I'm free. Like he's released me somehow, drunk or not, his words were vitrolic. Cutting. And I deserve so. much. more. than. that. I'm sad, because he's not always this way. I'm sad because maybe I never really knew him at all, the way I thought I did. Maybe this is how he really feels. He thinks he's above everyone, he appreciates what I do, but doesn't really connect. He doesn't even understand why I called him to seek comfort regarding my sister, ffs! All he can say to that is, "Don't you have someone closer than clear across the country you could talk to?"

Wow, I just.. I'm sitting here at work and I want to cry, I want to smash things, I want to sob over the death of... something, I want to jump for joy in realizing how RIDICULOUS the things he says that come out of his mouth are, and how it has *nothing* to do with me. I feel like I'm in some in between of losing my mind, frustration, sadness, and bliss. I do know one thing though, and that's that I'm goddamn sick and tired of playing the victim role while he gets to parade around, doing whatever he wants, and he only does that because *I've* allowed it.

iwantcontrol

I found this very interesting reading. I can relate to the overwhelming emotions and not knowing exactly how you do feel. My ABF said something similar to me - "you're a mess and need to sort yourself out instead of trying to sort me out", which shocked me and made me feel all those same emotions. It's hard realising you've got more problems yourself than you thought, and it's even worse when the one telling you that is a bloody alcoholic! At least your recovery is now in your own hands.

nodaybut2day

Holy smokes what a conversation.

From reading your post, I'd say your instincts are right: you went seeking closure and validation where there is none to be had. You know this man is toxic, you know he's not worth it, and yet you ignore the screaming voices in your head because you just *want to know*.

I've done this soooo many times. Thinking I needed "some guy" to like me, doing everything in my power to REALIZE that I'm awesome, cute, funny, intelligent and the best thing that's ever happened to his poor pathetic life. Yeesh.

It sounds like you need a looong period of No Contact from this guy. Block his number. Delete it from your phone. Block his emails. No more gifts, no more texts. Pick up a new hobby and keep yourself distracted.

I say this because it sounds as though you are tempted to contact him, and it isn't healthy for you.

Sorry if this sounds all high and mighty. You sound like you need some time to cycle through your grief, your anger and frustration.

harleyd101

Grrl77, I believe that when we talk to them, (Just speaking from my experience) they are "crazy makers". When I first went NC, I thought it would kill me. I thought "how will I do this?". I didn't realize at the time that NC was completely for my benefit, and reading your post today brought that point home. I couldn't see the forest through the trees because I needed to "detox" from him (thank you Nieve, great analogy!). It's been five weeks, and there's not been a lot of crazy in my head (other than those thoughts brought about by my whacked out emotions!) and I do not miss trying to figure him out from conversations that make absolutely no sense! I now have the clarity of mind to understand that trying to talk to someone in active addiction is futile...they do not see reality, they do not want to see reality, they just want to go on doing what they do best...drink reality away.

Today I have a choice, and I never really realized that until I found this forum! I thought before then that I had no choice, this was my life, and I was stuck with this man. Having the power of choice is empowering me each day to want to live life to the fullest, and to get out of the aweful relationship I had been in for 10 years (my choice also). I guess the pain of staying finally outweighed the pain of leaving. I never thought I would be able to leave this man. I was wrong, and someone said yesterday that alcoholics are hard to get rid of, and they will keep turning up as long as we allow them into our world. I had to finally say NO MORE. And mean it...it took me a long time to get to that place, and I thank God every day that I don't want that anymore. Peace and hugs to you today....

FindingPeace1

I read your post and thought, "Good for you!"
He doesn't have self love.
You realize you don't have much self love.
You have been trying to get love from a person that can't love himself.
And you realize its crap!
HOORAY!
Run from him and work on admiring your own realizations and courage and wisdom that is blossoming from within.

Hugs.
w

sailorjohn

Just a couple quick questions.

1. Why are you speaking to your ex boyfriend.

2. Why are you sending your ex boyfriend Christmas presents?

No value judgement here, just an observation.

grrl77

I think for me a lot of it was this realization that I keep going to him to provide me something he simply can't. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't, while he's an active alcoholic. I think I spend a lot of time thinking about what was. How he was. Who I fell in love with. Who he is underneath the sick. That's why I stick around. Almost like... You know, you take someone with a mental illness, and they may say sh*t that is hurtful or mean, but they can't really help it. You're not going to kick them out of your life and be like "Well you said i was bad at photoshop, so. See ya." Y'know? So I think I've held on to this "he's sick, so..." excuse and ignoring what *I* needed.

I gave, and gave, and gave some more, because it's what I do. I give. I'm happy to give. I wasn't really trying to win him back into my life, I don't think. I think I was looking for validation from him maybe? Than anything else. Validation that I was this wonderful girl, validation that I'm an amazing girl that any guy would be so lucky to have - because I *am* a pretty damn good catch. I'm compassionate, sweet, smart, funny, cute, good job, great credit score, I've got my faults, sure.. Everyone does.

It's not even HIM, you know? I don't hate him. I hate the disease. I'm sad, because the man I fell in love with is someone I don't even see anymore, he's buried. When my ex drinks, vitrolic things come out of his mouth, his narcissism becomes prevalent, his own self-hatred comes spewing out of his mouth in waves. I kept my distant, but was caught in the crossfire sometimes, when I'd try to be there, in case he needed someone, I guess, but it was like he'd bite the hand that fed him. He wants to be surrounded by nobody. He wants nobody close to him.

But it's not even about him. It was just ... he kept talking and I no longer heard. It was like something inside me shut off. Something that slowly sank in: I just can't do this anymore. He picks drink over everyone and everything, and as long as he picks drink, he's going to be the monster that comes out, and as long as that monster's around, I can't have it. I just can't. Let God take over, I guess. But I'm tired. Sad. Really, really sad. Sad for him more than anything. I don't take it personally. It wouldn't matter if I was Cindy Crawford flouncing around him naked, y'know? He can't see anything beyond his alcohol, because to him, nothing else matters. I hope he finds his way out. But I think now it's time to find my way.

transformyself

YOu'll work it out, figure out how to really let go. For me, when I was were you are, it helped to acknowledge that none of what he says is reality. He's spinning tales, weaving a web of confusion and drama. He likes it.

You can do that too if you want. He'll keep walking that fence for an eternity as long as you let him. Mine still tries. After moving out and living with his affair partner, coming home so we could "be together forever," then sneaking out to see her, regardless of how it impacted me. I stayed until I left. Then I tried to sort it out until I didn't care.

You will too. Keep comin back and keep sorting out how to move forward, focus on yourself.

peace out, grrrrlll

MaryGoRound

I can really relate to this. Sometimes I feel as if I know my A, better than he knows himself. I totally understand "seeing through the sick." It's so hard because you know that the disease is not them to their core.

I've done the same things as you...gifts, talking to your ex, etc. I've done no contact for extended periods of time...

But nothing shakes the hope I have for some sort of breakthrough. I get so frustrated with myself for not being able to let it all go, completely.

Part of me is just like you, Grl777, "you deserve more" etc. But the other part is so eager to believe and give. Even if from a distance.

Thanks for posting.

grrl77

I think that's the hardest part for me. I still see blips of the man I fell in love with, who I'm still very much in love with. Since we've broken up, we've talked about kid's names for baby names we like. Then he'll laugh and be like, "Here we are, talking about baby names for kids we'll never have."

Three weeks later, we'll be laughing about something from our past, that was obvious something we both treasured, and he'll tell me he misses me, and our time together, but he's "not convinced we'll ever be together again."

The next night? Again, he's bringing up our past. Laughing about a camping trip. I say I need to go to bed, and he doesn't want me to leave the conversation.

We see eachother in person, it's awkward, but there's still very much something alive there. He feels it. I feel it. Yet he shoves it away, I know it's something that cannot be while drinks, but it's there, in his eyes, he misses me. I miss him.

Yet he'll never admit it. When I ask him if he'd just admit he still has feelings, I get met with this scoff, like I'm crazy. Because then, I dunno. He'd have to admit he has a problem? Like for real? He can say all this stuff, all this toxic nonsense, and then say, "you know, this book you sent me for christmas.. I downplayed it. It's truly perfect for me. You couldn't have picked a better gift, it's like it was made for me. Thank you." And you wanna scream, Yeah, well? What do you expect?! I know you. I know who you are, I know what makes you happy. I love you! RAWR!

And then I lose that spark again, it goes away the second it came, fading, as he takes another swig.

I'm watching this man I loved and wanted a future with, just... fade away. Become someone I don't even know, or want to know, yet it's like.. you wanna fight! You wanna beat the sh*t out of his disease, you want to scream, YOU STOLE HIM FROM ME YOU MOTHERF*CKER! I can't tell you how angry I am, how sad it makes me, how I want to yell at him to fight, but he's.. so deep, so into it.. he'd write it off as something else. He was writing off nearly burning down his apartment as a one off situation that was a fluke even though it happened *because* he was drunk. But it becomes a matter of survival. It's like out of a movie. Boy turns into monster. Girl wants to save boy she loves, but cannot. Girl pleads, gives him one last chance. Boy doesn't get it. Girl flits away, broken-hearted. Girl hopes boy will come around, girl hopes that one day boy will show up randomly one day, healthy, safe, propped up against her car as she's coming out of work or something. It sounds stupid, doesn't it?

I don't believe the things he says. I don't believe it when he tells me, "What do I have to be mean? Ignore you more? Tell you that you were boring? Tell you mean, terrible things about why I didn't wanna be with you anymore? What do I need to do? I figured you'd pick up on my d*ck moves but I guess you're not getting it." I don't believe it. But I also can't .. live like that anymore. I can't do it, anymore. I want more. He's not giving it. He can't give it. I'm trying to rationalize and make sense of a man who's sick, broken, and completely out of control in his disease. And it's *so hard* for me, to see that it has nothing to do with me or us, it's so BEYOND us until he decides to quit. Us is no longer. Us doesn't matter. He knows deep down, what we shared. I guess I just wish he could f*cking aknowledge it. The only thing he can really acknowledge, though, is if he can hit up the liquor store in his building before it closes.

Kittyboo

Grrrl, I can totally empathize with how you feel. TOTALLY.

The one thing I learned to be very careful of is constantly giving excuses because of his disease. I see that you reference his disease a lot in your statement.

My XA not only is an alcoholic, but also has combat ptsd. He struggles with those 2 diseases. Ptsd changed his brain chemically, there is nothing he can do about it accept to go to therapy and manage it. But he drinks alcohol to cope with that and all that goes with it. It's a duel diagonosis.

I no longer speak to him and will not speak to him. His lies were plentiful, and he too turned into someone I do not know. And I realized I NEVER knew him.

This is a really hard reality to have to face because sometimes it can be so painful to think that the person we love would choose to speak to us and treat us a certain way because we would never do that to them.
I know you "don't believe it" when he says move on. That's a hard thing to want to believe. But it comes to a point, and it sounds like you are at that point, where you NEED to listen to it, and believe it.

When my heart was BROKEN because of how my A could just cut me out of his life, I did everything I could to rationalize his behavior...oh his disease his disease his disease.
Some things aren't the disease. In my case, he made a choice to lie to me, to take advantage of my feelings for him, to use me for his emotional needs. That was not a cause of his disease. And I had to come to terms with that. I had to accept that this person that I cared about did not value me as much as I did him.

I am certainly not saying that I know how he feels about you. But I am saying that constantly trying to rationalize their behavior can often keep us stuck in thinking that they will change. Sometimes they are just jerks, and they start acting like that, and you have to realize YOU deserve better NO MATTER what is wrong with them.

Accepting what I have now accepted, it has truly allowed me to begin a process of forgiveness, which I gotta say, is the only way I have started to feel truly free. I no longer will offer him excuses for lying to me.....he did it with his eyes wide open to avoide consequences of his actions. And he ended up getting caught. BUT I am now able to start forgiving, because I understand that he only did the things he did because that is the way he selfishly copes with the pain in his life. Forgiveness doesn't mean that I allow him back in my life, but I do it for me. And it feels good. And I do it with MY eyes wide OPEN, and though I forgive his actions, the disease doesn't get credit for his actions......he does.

I hope that makes sense, and doesn't come across as harsh.
BE WELL and give yourself a HUG. Recovering is a process. I was a WRECK just a month ago, for several months.

grrl77

Sorry, I was going to try to edit and add this piece, but I think the allotted time for that expired. Anyway...

Last night when we were talking, I said, "Do you remember when we first started talking? We'd talk for hours. And laugh and have fun." He's like, "Yeah.. " I said, "So what's happened? I'm still the same girl." "I know you are," he says. "What the f*ck do you want me to say? What are you expecting me to say? You're just walking right into it. You want me to tell you I got bored? Fine, I got bored." I said, "Or maybe you're getting worse." I don't mean to poke and be like "Looky. Looky at you and your problem." All I'm saying is, when we first got together, he didn't wanna lose me. So I'd get the I'm sorries. I'd get the e-mails of how much of a monster he is when he drinks, and he went as far as to look into a work-sponsored 3rd party group that handles life balance benefits, which includes something for drug or chemical dependency. They referred him to AA. He just never was ready to go. Was too scared. I don't even get any acknowledgment of his wrong-doing anymore. The end of our phone call last night was literally me being so blown away that I said, "I just don't know what to say." And him saying, "Well then just hang up." And I did. It's like wow, am I old hat? I'm not worth the I'm sorry anymore? What the f*ck, you know?

grrl77

You're totally right. And I have done that a lot. I do use the "well his disease..." thing a lot. The hot part about it, is that when I sit here and talk to him, he's like "I'm a jerk. I ignore you because I dont want to hurt you." It's like really? Here's a quarter. How about you man up, buy some balls with that quarter, and handle your sh*t instead of drowning yourself in poison to cope? Hmm? How's that for a f*cking revelation?

Sorry. I'm just so angry. I think I've hit the livid phase. lol.

Kittyboo

I got THE SAME THINGS in my relationship.... the HOURS of conversations, the acknowledging when he was being a jerk...then when he was DONE with me, and went back to his ex... I GOT NOTHING. He cut me out of his life so fast I didn't know what hit me.
When he used to think I was in pain, he would be there for me, to say things to make me feel better...at the end, when I was in the worst pain I had ever been in, he threw me to the wolves. Like that...the end. He got what he wanted, he's done, over, gone. The EXCRUTIATING pain from that was overwhelming for me.

You're probably not going to get the "im sorry" you want. It's just the way it is. I'm sorry, I know it sucks,....
the way he spoke to you is inexcusable. Now it's time to stop questioning why he is speaking to you like that and trying to make sense of it, and start questionning to yourself why you spend so much time thinking about someone who speaks to you this way.

The best thing I ever did was start therapy and really looking at ME and NOT HIM.

Kittyboo

I heard a lot of that too " I'm a jerk...yada yada yada".

Honestly, just IMHO, it is nothing but a sympathy tactic. Yes, he knows he's a jerk. But the fact that he will occassionally say it gives you the impression that somewhere deep down he's sorry....and he cares. Yes, he probably is sorry DEEP down. But not sorry enough. Because when you're SORRY, you stop doing the things that you know hurt people.
It's a way to keep you roped in. Then he can follow it up later with "why don't you just leave me alone, what don't you get!?" It's passive aggressive, which is emotional abuse.

grrl77

Thanks, girl.

It's definitely something that I was thinking a lot about last night. I went through the gammit of emotions last night. When he said, "Why don't you hang up then?" And I did without thinking about it? I sorta sat there with the phone in my lap, staring at it, not sure how to feel. A part of me was sad? The other part, angry. Real angry. Another part, was elated. I felt ... freed. Somehow it was like that was it for me. *click*. The end. There is a sense of slight peace in me, that wasn't there before, I think because there was just nothing left to say to his madness, so I did what he asked, and hung up. Nothing I could say, could make sense of the crap spewing from his mouth. And I recognized that, because it was just that - drunken crap. I definitely have been looking inward - I think I kept going back to him, wanting some sort of validation from him. I was waiting for him to see how great I was for him; waiting for him to throw me a bone. Y'know? And after I hung up, it was like this realization of WTF AM I DOING?! I am *incredible*. How lucky he is to have someone who knows him the way I do! Knows how to pick him out a book that fits him so perfectly - he should be so lucky! You know? I don't need him to validate how amazing of a woman I am, it's just too bad he doesn't see it. And that's HIS loss. It was a realization of something really important - As much as I may want him to be "it," it comes down to one simple thing:

He's not enough for me.

Kittyboo

"I am *incredible*. How lucky he is to have someone who knows him the way I do!"

EXACTLY!

"He's not enough for me."

EXACTLY X's 2!

MaryGoRound

So many emotions - i know!

I've lurked around for quite sometime now and I'm so thankful for this site...I felt I could relate to your post though specifically.


I've been hooked back in so many times. It's always push and pull with this guy. Good for you guys for finally being able to say enough is enough. I thought I was there many times over, but then I date other people and just always end up missing him. We're at the same point where we both realize that this we're kind of a joke...and my belief is that once he got help things would really work out. But I cannot wait around from him to make a change.
Although I have a hard time even admitting in my head, my heart is still holding out...as much as I'll tell myself I'm not and other people...my heart bleeds for this person. And it sucks. Glad to be where I am now, though, I used to take everything really personally and get severely worked up. Think flushed skin and panic attacks. Lol.

Another thing that always got me besides the whole "disease" thing was the notion that "everyone leaves him." It's always a pity party. I get really ambitious to think that I can be the one person that will be there always. It becomes a question of my loyalty. I mean loyalty to both him and what I believe in at my very core. Maybe I need to just be an art therapist or counselor because this is something that feels bigger than just this A for me.

Grrl77, I'm curious to know your Myers Briggs type. Have you ever taken the test? Kittyboo?

grrl77

Hrm, I'm not entirely sure, to be honest.

I know how you feel though, Mary. I was at this point for the last fifteen months. And yeah, it's been that long since we broke up. I guess as he was yapping last night, and how I sat there, completely at a loss for words at his "Why are you calling me? Don't you have someone closer you can call that's not 3,000 miles away?" statement, it was like "... holy sh*t. Listen to what he's saying right now. Disease? Yeah, maybe. But he *chooses* to be that way. He knows and has heard me cry, and plead with him. I mean, f*ck. I called him just for some simple comfort of "It'll be okay." He couldn't even provide that. He thought he'd make a snarky remark instead about how he's surprised I don't have someone closer to me. Oh and he had to throw in a, "With all due respect, you're not the first person I'd call if my brother were sick." All this might be a classic display of the behaviours of an addict, but he *chooses* to be that way - he's heard me cry. He's felt bad. He's told me, "I hate what this does to us." - Well? Obviously it's not important enough. He chooses to pick that bottle up. He could go to a meeting. And I'm sure in a few months, I'll get an IM or something, or a text asking how I am. Or maybe he'll feel bad and be like, "I'm sorry about the other day, I'm a monster." To which I have to ask, "So what are you going to do about it?"

I'm an important part of this f*cking equation. Why have I always been like, "Well, what do you want, AH? What do you need?" What about what *I* need? What about me?

Mattcake

I'm glad you could see this for yourself, Jenn Good for you =)