My heart is broken in a million pieces...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I still get shudders when I hear that old song that goes
And if she wants a man who'll
Take the ring off of his hand
And then turn around and say
That he'll be true
Then she deserves you.
It's sort of a battle cry of mine.
I have a few of them.
Do you need any?
p.s. that Surviving Infidelity web site has an acronym for that taking-him-back craziness....I think they call it HB (hysterical bonding). "I'm taking him so you can't have him." I did it too. Nowadays it's enough to make me hurl, but at the time it was like a visceral, primal reaction, like naive said.
And if she wants a man who'll
Take the ring off of his hand
And then turn around and say
That he'll be true
Then she deserves you.
It's sort of a battle cry of mine.
I have a few of them.
Do you need any?
p.s. that Surviving Infidelity web site has an acronym for that taking-him-back craziness....I think they call it HB (hysterical bonding). "I'm taking him so you can't have him." I did it too. Nowadays it's enough to make me hurl, but at the time it was like a visceral, primal reaction, like naive said.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Can we compromise and bang HIM in the head with something heavy?
I did things I didn't know I was capable of in the days and weeks following disclosure. Ugly stuff.
My recommendation? Do one spectacular revenge thing. yes, I know this isn't the right thing to recommend, but you'll have done it and yes, it will help a teensy bit. It won't take away the pain, only going no contact with do that. Only grieving and time will do that. But the revenge part can be planned out and executed under your terms.
I gave his leather jacket and golf clubs away to a homeless man.
burned his favorite clothes in the back yard, and when he asked for them I told them they were in the pile of ashes out back, along with my self esteem.
Threw his belongings out the door, called the police and told them to get over to my house because I didn't know what was going to happen. When the cop asked, "are there any weapons in the house mam?" I screamed I'M THE WEAPON NOW GET OVER HERE.
Went into his work and pretended I didn't know the **** behind the coffee bar was the woman he brought into my house, then asked her to remake my drink three times because it just wasn't right, with a smile!
And much more. It helped me regain a sense of power at a time when I had been sucker punched.
But. I continued to try to reconcile with him. Wihtout sobriety, without a committment from him to go no contact with her and without therapy. I lost a year of my life, but earned a degree in not giving a sh**.
Have I ever sent you to surviving infidelity? They will help you also.
Big big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
What he did has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you.
I too felt the sting of infidelity in my second marriage, and I took him back over and over again.
I have a few suggestions for you. Find some Alanon meetings in your area and start attending regularly. There you will find people who have walked where you are, and understand.
There are two starter books I recommend..."Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. They were real eye-openers for me.
I am so sorry for your pain, and I know how it feels. Please know you are among good folks here at SR. :ghug3
I too felt the sting of infidelity in my second marriage, and I took him back over and over again.
I have a few suggestions for you. Find some Alanon meetings in your area and start attending regularly. There you will find people who have walked where you are, and understand.
There are two starter books I recommend..."Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. They were real eye-openers for me.
I am so sorry for your pain, and I know how it feels. Please know you are among good folks here at SR. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I'm so sorry for your loss... Not the loss of your AH... but of that fragile belief... of goodness... trust... hope... future... Things in him you'll never get back that he's thrown away... crushed... and just doesn't even get it... Whatever the alcohol didn't take the affair took the rest... Now there is nothing but disappointment... and knowing that those millions of pieces of your heart, for him, won't ever go back the same...
Mine doesn't even know I know. He swears everything will be different if I return home. Nothing has changed. Well maybe he lies more. I've changed. Only I can choose not to accept the scraps that he tosses me from his table. Only I can choose not to let myself accept the unacceptable.
Hang in there... You are worth more then what he's willing to give. He doesn't love himself... so he can't love anyone else... not even her... or in my AH case...them...
Mine doesn't even know I know. He swears everything will be different if I return home. Nothing has changed. Well maybe he lies more. I've changed. Only I can choose not to accept the scraps that he tosses me from his table. Only I can choose not to let myself accept the unacceptable.
Hang in there... You are worth more then what he's willing to give. He doesn't love himself... so he can't love anyone else... not even her... or in my AH case...them...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Big hugs and lots of comfort. It doesn't get any worse than what you are feeling right now, but it does get better. Please do whatever you need to take care of you while you're grieving.
I hope this gives you something to look forward to:
I spent a night throwing up after finding out that my husband, from whom I was separated, had a new relationship, and preferred to keep it over reconciling with me. It was absolutely the worst evening of my adult life. But, it was also the first night of my new life-- the new me was born right then, no exaggeration. That evening, at about 4 a.m. in the bathroom, I became willing to do anything it took not to feel so bad-- and I mean absolutely anything at all. And a little voice in my head said, "BG, honey, you need to rejoin the human race." (If the voice had said to get out my boom box, and dance the watusi up and down the street in my birthday suit, I would have done it. I was that desperate.)
So I did. I made myself go out and socialize and make friends and work towards a new job... and build a new life.
And today I have a life I'm proud of and enjoy. I'm in control of it. It's what I want it to be. Last week I asked my daughter, who was complaining about her dad's chronic unhappiness, if I seemed happier than I was five years ago. Her answer was a solid "YES!!" Living well REALLY is the best revenge. Having a non alcoholic boyfriend was a pretty darn good comeback too.
That's what I wish for you... it's what you have waiting for you.
I just made some cookies. Internet sharing isn't the same but I'll eat some for you. Be well
I hope this gives you something to look forward to:
I spent a night throwing up after finding out that my husband, from whom I was separated, had a new relationship, and preferred to keep it over reconciling with me. It was absolutely the worst evening of my adult life. But, it was also the first night of my new life-- the new me was born right then, no exaggeration. That evening, at about 4 a.m. in the bathroom, I became willing to do anything it took not to feel so bad-- and I mean absolutely anything at all. And a little voice in my head said, "BG, honey, you need to rejoin the human race." (If the voice had said to get out my boom box, and dance the watusi up and down the street in my birthday suit, I would have done it. I was that desperate.)
So I did. I made myself go out and socialize and make friends and work towards a new job... and build a new life.
And today I have a life I'm proud of and enjoy. I'm in control of it. It's what I want it to be. Last week I asked my daughter, who was complaining about her dad's chronic unhappiness, if I seemed happier than I was five years ago. Her answer was a solid "YES!!" Living well REALLY is the best revenge. Having a non alcoholic boyfriend was a pretty darn good comeback too.
That's what I wish for you... it's what you have waiting for you.
I just made some cookies. Internet sharing isn't the same but I'll eat some for you. Be well
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Cheating is a deal breaker for me.
Do not pass go do not collect 200$.
Don't bother apologizing, you're done. Toast. History. Buh-bye.
Trans-
Never let it be said that I condone revenge....
but I know for a fact that a
state of the art Pioneer Stereo
burns like a beacon in the front yard.
Lots of light and good heat.
Do not pass go do not collect 200$.
Don't bother apologizing, you're done. Toast. History. Buh-bye.
Trans-
Never let it be said that I condone revenge....
but I know for a fact that a
state of the art Pioneer Stereo
burns like a beacon in the front yard.
Lots of light and good heat.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
The pain stayed with me thru 4 years of deep depression, and all he could do was moan that "I wasn't eating and was too thin, wasn't any fun anymore and had lost my sense of humour". WELL DUH!!!!!!
Finally, after psych, counselling and such I went on a special retreat and came back all aglow and feeling cleansed at last, to be greeted by drunken, maudlin ABF, who then "confessed" to having had a one nighter with a tart when I was in Coronary care a year before.
He got the shock of his life as I socked him a beauty, knocking from chair to floor.
I did smile for days at his black eye and imagined his lies as to how he got it.
Actually told a "friend" of his, so eventually it went the rounds, that he'd been flattened by a little old granny.
Might not have been very Christian, but VERY VERY SATISFYING at the time.
God bless you ALL
Finally, after psych, counselling and such I went on a special retreat and came back all aglow and feeling cleansed at last, to be greeted by drunken, maudlin ABF, who then "confessed" to having had a one nighter with a tart when I was in Coronary care a year before.
He got the shock of his life as I socked him a beauty, knocking from chair to floor.
I did smile for days at his black eye and imagined his lies as to how he got it.
Actually told a "friend" of his, so eventually it went the rounds, that he'd been flattened by a little old granny.
Might not have been very Christian, but VERY VERY SATISFYING at the time.
God bless you ALL
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
"And if she wants a man who'll
Take the ring off of his hand
And then turn around and say
That he'll be true
Then she deserves you."
OMG-GL...this hit home for me. He told me during the first affair that he used to take off his wedding ring and leave it on the night stand at the hotels they visited. I am so sick with the fact that I took him back and this garbage continues.
Trans-want to know what I did with his clothes the first time? He found them in a pile in the front yard. The accounts were cleaned out and the locks had been all changed. He never saw it coming...but then neither did I. I still...after all that...took the miserable man back. Fast forward to today...ugh! Loved the bit about the coffee shop...that would be something I would do. It would feel so damn good.
Freedom...I'm reading the co-dependent book now. I'm on my second reading...as if reading it again will burn it into my mind to prevent this sick destructive ability to let people crap on me and I turn the other cheek.
Brundle-"goodness... trust... hope... future..." I do feel the loss of these things...and much more. While I sat around here mourning the loss of a marriage of so many years...he was out defecating on the marriage. How do keep what you know quiet? It would eat at me daily...until I killed him.
Hysterical Bonding...that describes it!
He shows up again tonight...same **** different day. I look at him and I pity him. He can't feel love and he's so ------ up in the head from his A addiction. He's actually telling me that he doesn't want ME to throw away all the years we had together. I asked him...when he was sleeping with his ex (or is she his present) girlfriend...did he give a flip about the years we had? I guarantee it was the last thing on his mind.
I'm not going to be 2nd best anymore. I'm not going to accept this type of destructive behavor towards me. I deserve better...the more I say it outloud the more I believe it. You guys here remind me of it and I know it in my head.
If only my head and my heart were on the same page...I'd be good. I always thought if he cheated again it couldn't hurt any worse than the first time. I guess I was wrong.
Take the ring off of his hand
And then turn around and say
That he'll be true
Then she deserves you."
OMG-GL...this hit home for me. He told me during the first affair that he used to take off his wedding ring and leave it on the night stand at the hotels they visited. I am so sick with the fact that I took him back and this garbage continues.
Trans-want to know what I did with his clothes the first time? He found them in a pile in the front yard. The accounts were cleaned out and the locks had been all changed. He never saw it coming...but then neither did I. I still...after all that...took the miserable man back. Fast forward to today...ugh! Loved the bit about the coffee shop...that would be something I would do. It would feel so damn good.
Freedom...I'm reading the co-dependent book now. I'm on my second reading...as if reading it again will burn it into my mind to prevent this sick destructive ability to let people crap on me and I turn the other cheek.
Brundle-"goodness... trust... hope... future..." I do feel the loss of these things...and much more. While I sat around here mourning the loss of a marriage of so many years...he was out defecating on the marriage. How do keep what you know quiet? It would eat at me daily...until I killed him.
Hysterical Bonding...that describes it!
He shows up again tonight...same **** different day. I look at him and I pity him. He can't feel love and he's so ------ up in the head from his A addiction. He's actually telling me that he doesn't want ME to throw away all the years we had together. I asked him...when he was sleeping with his ex (or is she his present) girlfriend...did he give a flip about the years we had? I guarantee it was the last thing on his mind.
I'm not going to be 2nd best anymore. I'm not going to accept this type of destructive behavor towards me. I deserve better...the more I say it outloud the more I believe it. You guys here remind me of it and I know it in my head.
If only my head and my heart were on the same page...I'd be good. I always thought if he cheated again it couldn't hurt any worse than the first time. I guess I was wrong.
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Buffalo-you inspire me to find that inside of myself. I know I can do it. I was on my way to it...when he knocked me down again. PS-the cookies were fabulous...thanks.
Dear God Barb...thank you for a 'bust out loud laugh' that felt good all the way to my soul. I wish I could have seen that one.
Jadmack-He brought food tonight because I haven't eaten since Sunday. Everything tastes awful. First time around I lost 20 pounds in nothing flat. I'm sorry...a kick in the gut will do that for you. So wish he could know first hand what betrayal feels like. I am so glad you punched his lights out. Wish I had the nerve to do it too. I imagine it would feel wonderful...almost as good as when he had to pick up all his clothes from the grass out front!!! I enjoyed that!
I love you guys...and thanks!
Dear God Barb...thank you for a 'bust out loud laugh' that felt good all the way to my soul. I wish I could have seen that one.
Jadmack-He brought food tonight because I haven't eaten since Sunday. Everything tastes awful. First time around I lost 20 pounds in nothing flat. I'm sorry...a kick in the gut will do that for you. So wish he could know first hand what betrayal feels like. I am so glad you punched his lights out. Wish I had the nerve to do it too. I imagine it would feel wonderful...almost as good as when he had to pick up all his clothes from the grass out front!!! I enjoyed that!
I love you guys...and thanks!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I'm not going to be 2nd best anymore.
Dear God Barb...thank you for a 'bust out loud laugh' that felt good all the way to my soul. I wish I could have seen that one.
Hell - I wouldn't be surprised if the space shuttle saw it.
Just FYI
a bic lighter applied to the front of a can of aerosol hair spray
is what I like to call a 'domestic flamethrower.'
But - if you're looking for a DRAMATIC way to get
his attention right when he pulls his brand...
new...
car into the driveway.....
I highly recommend it.
And -
he won't try to bust into the house anyway -
because he knows how much HAIRSPRAY
us women have on hand.
miyah
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Dearest- I am so sorry for your pain. It continues to amaze me that there is so very many copies of the same, exact, man out there.
Mine AXBF had his ex of 14 years ago pick him up from jail and he was at the motel with her the night he bonded out. Exactly 2 days after he slept in my bed and told me how much he loved me.
I am 29 days NC with him, although he did bring her to the restraining order hearing.
CRAP. I just can't figure out WTF!!
Mine AXBF had his ex of 14 years ago pick him up from jail and he was at the motel with her the night he bonded out. Exactly 2 days after he slept in my bed and told me how much he loved me.
I am 29 days NC with him, although he did bring her to the restraining order hearing.
CRAP. I just can't figure out WTF!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.
Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.
Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
You do deserve more. I remember the feeling of utter betrayal, the sick to the stomach feeling when XAH told me he was 'in love' with someone else. The following rage that kept me moving through the days after and helped keep me going when everything seemed so overwhelming.
Over a year later, the anger is mainly gone. XAH is shacked up with the OW and I am so very grateful for her! It has kept him (mostly) out of my hair and killed off any desire I ever had to maybe, possibly try to reconcile one distant day. He crossed my one, unbreakable boundary. I'm done. I have no desire to ever speak to him again.
You're not throwing away all those years, you're clearing space for your future so it can be something so much better to what has been before. You deserve more!
Over a year later, the anger is mainly gone. XAH is shacked up with the OW and I am so very grateful for her! It has kept him (mostly) out of my hair and killed off any desire I ever had to maybe, possibly try to reconcile one distant day. He crossed my one, unbreakable boundary. I'm done. I have no desire to ever speak to him again.
You're not throwing away all those years, you're clearing space for your future so it can be something so much better to what has been before. You deserve more!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
You're not throwing away all those years, you're clearing space for your future so it can be something so much better to what has been before. You deserve more!
Somehow, I can no longer trick myself into thinking anything would be ok if I went back to him. I used to be able to concoct grand visions of reconciliation. Believe his lies.
I also draw strength from this wonderful place and these angels here and that includes you myawakening. I'm sorry for your pain, I thought about you first thing when I woke up, thought about how I would wake up with that feeling that Danny Devito was standing on my chest. Pain pain and more pain. I too thought after the first affair that he would never hurt me again but I needed to leave his ass to prevent that and didn't. I didn't know that what I needed to do to protect myself was get the hell away from him. I also thought I would also feel that obsessive love for him forever, didn't know how happy I could be away from him.. but what I felt for AH, that wasn't love. It was a sickness. And i didn't know I was sick.
I must be a little deaf, because it's taken all the voices here speaking the truth to drown out the lies of addiction.
What's that? Sorry I can't hear you..
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
(((((Myawakening))))) I'm so sorry to hear of this. Sending you big loves and hugs through the ether!
Reading this thread all through, you already sound as though your pain is changing, taking shape into steps forward for yourself.
Thank you everyone else for sharing your stories too, this thread is beautiful to read, despite the main theme. Everyone is sharing and opening up to one another in hopes of support and I have been moved from close to tears to laughing out loud as I have read through this, threads like these are what SR is all about, this community coming together for one another.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Reading this thread all through, you already sound as though your pain is changing, taking shape into steps forward for yourself.
Thank you everyone else for sharing your stories too, this thread is beautiful to read, despite the main theme. Everyone is sharing and opening up to one another in hopes of support and I have been moved from close to tears to laughing out loud as I have read through this, threads like these are what SR is all about, this community coming together for one another.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Barb...I swear...you paint the best pictures. I would love to see the look on my AH face as I light the can of hairspray and aim in his direction. I swear that would outweight any jail time I would get!!!
Miyah...I, too, am convinced we are all involved with the same man. So many lives and relationships damaged due to the warped judgement of an alcoholic. Mine tells me he did it for spite! For spite...because I left him. FOR SPITE??? Because I dared to leave you because my life was spinning out of control due to your drinking. Because I dared to ask you to grow up and be an adult...seek help for your issues...or your sake and for my sake. W!T!F! is going around and around in my head.
TC-the article really did help. Seeing it in black and white helps me understand that the alcohol has destroyed my husband who in turn destroyed our marriage. I'm sending this to him for him to read should he have any more doubt that the bottle has ruined his life.
you're clearing space for your future
Book-This spoke to me...I pray the future holds some happiness for me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without someone to share it with.
"I thought about you first thing when I woke up, thought about how I would wake up with that feeling that Danny Devito was standing on my chest."
Trans-It never ceases to amaze me how people that have never met (this forum) have more compassion and caring than those closest to us...people that have shared our life...created beautiful children together. It breaks my heart. I usually get about less than two minutes of peace when I first wake up in the morning before it all comes rushing back. It's down hill after that. I hate feeling all of this...I did it once already...what lessons did I not learn the first time? Apparently all of them.
Lily...without this group of wonderful people...I would be on the floor in a crumbled heap. Dramatic? Not really...that is exactly where my friend found me when I called her to help me when I found out the first time.
My family is soooooo tired of this story.
I truly love you guys...thank you for holding me up...as I sit here crying yet again!
Miyah...I, too, am convinced we are all involved with the same man. So many lives and relationships damaged due to the warped judgement of an alcoholic. Mine tells me he did it for spite! For spite...because I left him. FOR SPITE??? Because I dared to leave you because my life was spinning out of control due to your drinking. Because I dared to ask you to grow up and be an adult...seek help for your issues...or your sake and for my sake. W!T!F! is going around and around in my head.
TC-the article really did help. Seeing it in black and white helps me understand that the alcohol has destroyed my husband who in turn destroyed our marriage. I'm sending this to him for him to read should he have any more doubt that the bottle has ruined his life.
you're clearing space for your future
Book-This spoke to me...I pray the future holds some happiness for me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without someone to share it with.
"I thought about you first thing when I woke up, thought about how I would wake up with that feeling that Danny Devito was standing on my chest."
Trans-It never ceases to amaze me how people that have never met (this forum) have more compassion and caring than those closest to us...people that have shared our life...created beautiful children together. It breaks my heart. I usually get about less than two minutes of peace when I first wake up in the morning before it all comes rushing back. It's down hill after that. I hate feeling all of this...I did it once already...what lessons did I not learn the first time? Apparently all of them.
Lily...without this group of wonderful people...I would be on the floor in a crumbled heap. Dramatic? Not really...that is exactly where my friend found me when I called her to help me when I found out the first time.
My family is soooooo tired of this story.
I truly love you guys...thank you for holding me up...as I sit here crying yet again!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Cry it out beautiful...just let the tears flow...it's cleans us from the inside out. When it happened to me, it was like someone ripped my live heart from my chest. It was the beginning of the end, it was the process that started to lift the denial. I was told if there is one rat you see (or know of) then there are 50 that you don't. All I could imagine was him doing to her the things he did to me (in the sack). The funny part of that is he was really bad in bed!!! LOL!!!! I had to think to myself....gee, I've been feeling empty and just going through the motions in bed for so long, he never satisfied me, and I should have got an Emmy for the acting (remember Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally?!!) It helped to ease the pain, because in the long run, she didn't get any better than I did. She got a relationship with an alcoholic, he got a warm body, and the only relationship he is capable of having is with a fifth of vodka. I got my freedom, my peace of mind, and some self-respect back. I have no more chaos in my life. It is all good.
I want you to know that I prayed so hard for you last night, because I remember that crushing pain. It will pass.....big hugs!!! xoxoxox
I want you to know that I prayed so hard for you last night, because I remember that crushing pain. It will pass.....big hugs!!! xoxoxox
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