icantnot

Hello all,

I am so glad to find that this forum exists. I really am not sure what to do right now. I have been aware of my fiance's drinking problems for a while, but just kept hoping it would get better/go away, etc. I know this sounds stupid. He doesn't drink everyday, but when he does, it is usually like he can't get enough. We have two small children. I can't imagine how I could leave and raise them on my own.

Yesterday I had to go to the ER because I was having chest pains. I am only 32 but I actually thought I was having a heart attack. So I was gone for many hours getting tests and finding out that my pain was from something not-too-serious. I get home and realize that he has been drinking ALL DAY.

All I could think of was what if something were to happen to me? What if I had to call an ambulance and then they had to call social services to come get the kids because he is passed out on the couch and obviously can't properly care for them while I am gone.

I don't even know what I am saying here, but I just need someone to tell me something, anything. I am just so sick to my stomach and tired of crying over something I can't change.

barb dwyer

hello icantnot and welcome to SR!

Feel free to ramble all it takes, hon.

There's a wealth of experience here,
I hope you'll visit the stickies at the top of the forum,
and even contact the resources there.

This is a fabuulous website and you have already received your first change-

you're no longer alone.

welcome aboard!

Pelican

Welcome to the family!

I'm sorry that you had a medical emergency and came home to a drunk. I know how disappointing that feels.

You are not alone and you have found a wonderful resource of information and support.

One of the first things that helped me in dealing with my alcoholic was the 3 Cs:

You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it

You can take care of yourself by learning about alcoholism, learning about codependency, and learning how to detach with love. We're here to help you along the way.

Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.

icantnot

Thank you both very much. I think I just needed to hear that I am not completely alone in this.

Still Waters

The stresses from living with an alcoholic will destroy your health. Why have a "partner" who you cannot trust to be responsible for your children?

Bernadette

We have two small children. I can't imagine how I could leave and raise them on my own.

I couldn't either. In fact, I spent a LOT of time imagining how I could not survive if I got divorced. Then, as always happens when I live in denial, the sh*t hit the fan and I knew it was o-v-e-r and I did survive, and my two boys have thrived. It was not easy. I struggled financially for years.

I wish I had spent more time imagining how I could have survived. And maybe made a little plan, and then stuck to the plan. That's what I do now when faced with something I think is impossible. I break it down and make a little plan. Even baby steps will get me where I want to go. So 10 years post-divorce I am 3 semesters away from becoming an RN, one son in college and one in high school and an apartment full of love, warmth, peace, and fun.

Also, asking for and accepting help was something I had to do to survive as a single parent. That was a "new skill" - it did not come easy to my codie self to accept help. I would bend over backwards for years to help another person - but God forbid I allow someone to really help me. I suffered to change that in myself, but wow did that whole mind-set need to change.

Stick around icantnot--you are most definitely not alone - collectively here on SR we've seen everything!

peace-
b

icantnot

Thank you all again. I will most certainly come back here and learn from you.

isurvived

Well one good thing... he might be the father of your two children, but he's NOT your husband —why it is good, because you can leave, or have him leave! (unless you can be considered "common law marriage"), you have an easier exit - IF you chose to leave this life behind.

Question is: What do you want for the rest of YOUR life, and that of your children?

Remember, you didn't cause his alcoholism, you most certainly can't change it - no matter what you do - nothing works in that regard, and you know you can't control his drinking, nor should you have to have that burden.

Life is not so bad when you realize you DO have choices you can make.

(it's all so clear to me after 27 years of the "fog" - and life is wonderful without an A in my life!)