SadButHopeful

The evenings without help with the kids REALLY triggers my anger and this is the time when I have the worst time detaching. Well, I lost it. After the kids went to bed I nearly went ballistic. I don't know if I can do this

barb dwyer

take a breath, hon.

of course you can.

we don't have to do it perfect.

keep posting until it subsides ... have at it!

CatsPajamas

What worked for me was to (1) pick my battles - and they were legion... and (2) to say the serenity prayer about 50 times a day. Sometimes more! I also had a few recovery friends lined up who I could call at anytime of the day or night to vent so I didn't take my frustrations out on my kid.

It takes time, but it's soooooo worth it.

PHIZ007

Deep breath.........now.......that sounds perfectly normal to me! Some days it is easier than others and as others above have said we don't have to do it perfectly every time!

Put it behind you.....move on......learn a little and try again tomorrow! Oh and another deep deep breath......I wish you the best....it sure isn't easy. Phiz :0)

peaceforme

i have problems too alone with the kids and handling the stress .... one has adhd and both boys . they can be a hand full . also too because my Ah used that to control me because they only listen to him because of fear ,.then when he is away they go nuts with freedom and totally out of hand then I feel like I am overwhelmed .. all the more reason i need to get away from him and regain some ground with the kids . any one else notice that with the kids when you first leave ..? does it get better ? do they settle down ?

ItsmeAlice

I don't have kids but I do have two dogs and they had become extremely protective but insanely disobedient with me. It made doing anything around the house a trial. Turn your back and they would reak havoc. XABF would yell and they would gather beside me and glare at him. They saw me as the weakest of the pack and XABF had become a threat. They relaxed quite a bit after we left and probably felt less threatened because I felt that way. The disobedience remained.

I am slowly regaining my confidence as a person and as the leader of our little tribe. Things are getting better.

Alice

nodaybut2day

How are you doing today hun? Inquiring (and caring) minds want to know...

Ives

I'm having anger issues myself these past few days as it dawns on me that my AGF is full of sh*t and endlessly will turn things around despite her heinous lies.

Now, I don't have to deal with it all the time because I don't live with her, I pity you folks who actually live with your alcoholic spouses or family members, that would drive me insane!

SadButHopeful

Thank you

Well, I'm calmer, but...we're supposed to have a chat today. After the arguing yesterday, he cried and said that he loves me and the kids and doesn't want to lose us. We left it at that and are supposed to talk later.

I don't really know what to say, although I did have plenty to say yesterday. I want to hear from him. I do know that I will mention my concern for the kids. I'll let you know what happens.

isitme

Please do update if you can. I'm about to leave my A and am wondering how the kids will take it. I'm not that worried about doing eveything by myself because I do majority of it anyway. I'm hoping once they figure out that i mean business and I'm not going to cave, and that there is nobody left to "play against each other" that they will listen. Is that just wishful thinking?

harleyd101

Isitme..yes, that is just wishful thinking, and you made me laugh out loud!!!! Anytime one deals with an addict in active addiction, you can expect the unexpectable!! He will try and yank your chain, push your buttons, whatever you want to call it, and you will have another child to deal with!! They don't play well with others....and it will get ugly because they are not getting their way!! So, don't place unrealistic expectations on someone that is in active addiction, because it will only lower your level of serenity!!! Big hugs and welcome back!!

isitme

Thanks Harley, Just what I wanted to hear.. LOL

I was talking more abou the kids than the addict..I suppose they are just as unpredicable as an addict anyway huh?

harleyd101

I'm sorry, I thought you were talking about your AH!!! I think your kids will be just fine (although I'm not sure they will listen more!! LOL!!) and after I divorced my kids alcoholic father (dry drunk) I got them right into counseling, and we stayed there for a couple of years. I believe it did them wonders, and they looked forward to it every week, then every couple of weeks. I know that people say kids are resilant, and I hate the saying, because it minimizes how divorce effects them. It is hard, and they will feel the fallout, but they will have a mother that will be there for them and peace in their home. No more walking on eggshells, and that really helps them to feel comfortable!! Big hugs, and take things a day at a time...that's all we have to get through, just today sweetie!

myawakening

I'm sorry Sad. Reading about what you have on your plate makes me overwhelmed...and I don't live it.

I'm dealing with so much myself right now it's hard to stay positive...but do you have family you can reach out to?

Sending big hugs to you and your kids...and prayers to keep you moving in the right direction.

SadButHopeful

It went pretty well. He apologized and explained some of his own feelings. He said that he feels like he needs to get out of the house more (he really does - we work at home and we are always here) and that's why he retreats. He suggested one night a week or 2 weeks that we take turns going out and doing something. He also said that he wants to make a list or schedule of housework so that he can do that too, and will be with us for dinner every night from now on.

I know that there will be slip-ups, and he's still in denial about his drinking.

I didn't want to discuss drinking, just behavior, and he was receptive to it. He didn't get angry or defensive at all.

Well, here's hoping that he will follow through!

Thank you all for your support

SadButHopeful

He didn't.

nodaybut2day

Details? How are you feeling today?

transformyself

Gee what a surprise. An alcoholic that doesn't follow through on his promises.

For me, the turning point came when I stopped listening to and believing his lies.

Now I"m just angry, all though I have spent some time in "detachment" and the subsequent peace. That is heaven..

transformyself

In fact, reading your post makes me really angry. my AH did the same thing so many times! I think it was to throw me off. Just when I'd had enough, he would act like he cared, not get defensive. just enough times to keep me hooked. What a total nightmare.

And I was conditioned by my alcoholic parents to just take it. Ugh.

I tell ya, there is no way on gods green earth I'm going anywhere near a practicing alcoholic again. They're insane!

ellie777

Dear SadbutHopeful,

Please update us on how you are doing when you are ready. I really appreciate your sharing. We're all in similar boats. Remember, you are not alone. Also, you are not wrong for being hopeful