My thanks to everyone here at SR
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
My thanks to everyone here at SR
I had a realization today...a realization that I AM getting on with the business of living and I feel good about where I am. I was in a very bad way when I left my STBXAH. I never thought I could say that I would feel ANYTHING after I first left him...much less feel good.
I want to say thank you to all of you that replied to my posts when I first started here and to let you know that what you post is very important. It's like therapy. It lets us know we are not alone and we have options. We can stay and learn now to deal or we can go and start again. In either case...this forum and these people are true lifesavers! THANK YOU!
My STBAH has been quacking about getting back together. It starts out slowly and with all good intentions. But before you know it...he is loudly quacking about what bothers him (whether or not it pertains to me and whether or not it is even his business). The quacking gets louder and more angry as it goes.
As I watched him go crazy right before my eyes...I just detached. I had never detached before and it was some experience. I was in the moment, but nothing he said or did bothered me. My personal reaction to his craziness would have been...'zero to insane in nothing flat'. This didn't happen to me. I sat there calmly and let him finish...all the while feeling nothing.
One of the strongest emotions I had that night was a feeling of regret that I had not found this forum and Al Anon sooner. I think if I had the tools I have learned from both sooner...I might not have left my marriage. I might have had the coping skills to stay.
The second strongest emotion was of relief...relief that I don't live in all of that insanity any more. Relief that my life is my own and not dominated by the behavior of an alcoholic. I can take life each day as it comes without worrying about how he is going to react to any given situation and who I am going to have to apologize to.
It was amazing to witness with detachment. He first tried to play Let's Make a Deal. You know how it goes..."If I Can Drink Under These Situations...I'm Fine With That". As he thought he was making headway...he started adding more social situations to his list. It started to include events where our adult children would have been and his comment to me was "we don't have to go to those, but if we do I want to be able to drink." This is coming from someone who says they don't have a problem!! Right!
So I guess my choice was to either accept the fact that he was going to drink in these situations or we wouldn't go. That would mean I would be limited to social events with my own children because he can't control himself!!! Really? My life would then be limited to only those situations he could behave himself at? That is not living my life on my own terms...that's living my life on his terms whether I liked them or not. No, thank you!
I guess what I am trying to say is that without my friends here at SR and Al Anon I would not have developed the skills to navigate this new life I have started. I am feeling stronger than I have in a very long time. I am starting to look forward to my future whatever that may be. I'm not afraid as I once was.
I've been on my own for over three months and those were during the holidays which were tough. This forum and all of you have made such a difference in my life. I've also learned that I am a 'codie' and was his 'enabler'. I am actively working on both of those so I don't make the same mistakes again should I be lucky enough at another chance at love.
For those of you that think your wisdom and your experiences posted here don't help us find our way...I'm here to tell you...you couldn't be more wrong.
I want to say thank you to all of you that replied to my posts when I first started here and to let you know that what you post is very important. It's like therapy. It lets us know we are not alone and we have options. We can stay and learn now to deal or we can go and start again. In either case...this forum and these people are true lifesavers! THANK YOU!
My STBAH has been quacking about getting back together. It starts out slowly and with all good intentions. But before you know it...he is loudly quacking about what bothers him (whether or not it pertains to me and whether or not it is even his business). The quacking gets louder and more angry as it goes.
As I watched him go crazy right before my eyes...I just detached. I had never detached before and it was some experience. I was in the moment, but nothing he said or did bothered me. My personal reaction to his craziness would have been...'zero to insane in nothing flat'. This didn't happen to me. I sat there calmly and let him finish...all the while feeling nothing.
One of the strongest emotions I had that night was a feeling of regret that I had not found this forum and Al Anon sooner. I think if I had the tools I have learned from both sooner...I might not have left my marriage. I might have had the coping skills to stay.
The second strongest emotion was of relief...relief that I don't live in all of that insanity any more. Relief that my life is my own and not dominated by the behavior of an alcoholic. I can take life each day as it comes without worrying about how he is going to react to any given situation and who I am going to have to apologize to.
It was amazing to witness with detachment. He first tried to play Let's Make a Deal. You know how it goes..."If I Can Drink Under These Situations...I'm Fine With That". As he thought he was making headway...he started adding more social situations to his list. It started to include events where our adult children would have been and his comment to me was "we don't have to go to those, but if we do I want to be able to drink." This is coming from someone who says they don't have a problem!! Right!
So I guess my choice was to either accept the fact that he was going to drink in these situations or we wouldn't go. That would mean I would be limited to social events with my own children because he can't control himself!!! Really? My life would then be limited to only those situations he could behave himself at? That is not living my life on my own terms...that's living my life on his terms whether I liked them or not. No, thank you!
I guess what I am trying to say is that without my friends here at SR and Al Anon I would not have developed the skills to navigate this new life I have started. I am feeling stronger than I have in a very long time. I am starting to look forward to my future whatever that may be. I'm not afraid as I once was.
I've been on my own for over three months and those were during the holidays which were tough. This forum and all of you have made such a difference in my life. I've also learned that I am a 'codie' and was his 'enabler'. I am actively working on both of those so I don't make the same mistakes again should I be lucky enough at another chance at love.
For those of you that think your wisdom and your experiences posted here don't help us find our way...I'm here to tell you...you couldn't be more wrong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
We love you, myawakening! 
My own experience has been that all the tools in the world can't change someone. All you could have hoped for was to tread water....detaching so you could tolerate sticking around and living life on someone else's terms (as you so wisely put it)
You deserve so much more out of life. And I'm so proud of what you've done for yourself.
I think if I had the tools I have learned from both sooner...I might not have left my marriage. I might have had the coping skills to stay.
You deserve so much more out of life. And I'm so proud of what you've done for yourself.
Ah, the freedom!! 
you have grown much in such a little time...
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
You guys have no idea how your words of encouragement make me feel. I am an old person who is learning how to have a new life at 52 years old. I went from my parents home to my marriage home to a home of my very own. The feeling is strange, but yet oddly liberating.
Yes, it does feel good to be in charge of my own life for once. I've had to give up dreams and goals of my own to be able to survive in the crazy world of an alcoholic. I've had to lower my expectations for my own life for so many years...making sure he was 'OK'...that I had lost much of myself in the process.
I take one day at a time...always asking my HP for guidence. I feel at peace for the first time in a very long time. The pressure to be every thing to every body is almost gone...because if I am all those things to all those people...what do I really have left for myself?
An odd emotion has come up on me after the most recent incident with my STBAX...pity. I pity him that he can't enjoy life the way it should be...feeling all the ups and downs without self medicating. Life...the good as well as the bad...is so worth living. It's such a shame that he will never understand that. He is so wrapped up in his self induced misery...he simply can not enjoy anything. I hope someday he can get the help he needs. I just know I can't do it for him. When I finally figured out that it wasn't up to me to 'fix' it...the weight of the world was lifted.
I will always love him for what we had. I will mourn the loss of the marriage and what it could have been in our older years. What I am slowly getting in exchange for that is the new and improved me.
I still have a long way to go...but I like what I am starting
to see so far...:day6
Thank you SR family...
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Gold...you will get here as well. It takes time and patience. It's a recovery of our own...one that can't be rushed or hurried along. We all get there in our own time.
I can tell you this place is vital to our recovery. I've learned so much from these fine people.
Read it daily and post your thoughts often. People come in and out all day long...help is a key stroke away!
Good luck...
I can tell you this place is vital to our recovery. I've learned so much from these fine people.
Read it daily and post your thoughts often. People come in and out all day long...help is a key stroke away!
Good luck...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
My STBAH has been quacking about getting back together. It starts out slowly and with all good intentions. But before you know it...he is loudly quacking about what bothers him (whether or not it pertains to me and whether or not it is even his business). The quacking gets louder and more angry as it goes.
we called that ... 'spinning out'.
As I watched him go crazy right before my eyes...I just detached. I had never detached before and it was some experience. I was in the moment, but nothing he said or did bothered me.
What a great thread!!
I needed to read some POSITIVE stuff tonight!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Gold...you will get here as well. It takes time and patience. It's a recovery of our own...one that can't be rushed or hurried along. We all get there in our own time.
I can tell you this place is vital to our recovery. I've learned so much from these fine people.
Read it daily and post your thoughts often. People come in and out all day long...help is a key stroke away!
I can tell you this place is vital to our recovery. I've learned so much from these fine people.
Read it daily and post your thoughts often. People come in and out all day long...help is a key stroke away!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi myawakening-
i had to laugh at "let's make a deal". know that game, not playing anymore.
it sounds as if there still might arise the situation where you are in his company at some event and he's drinking. the difference now is there is no deal. it's his life. and it's your life. you can always choose not to go or go and leave if you feel like it. it's totally up to you!
your newly found self empowerment will continue to grow as you find your new feet.
thanks for sharing.
naive
i had to laugh at "let's make a deal". know that game, not playing anymore.
it sounds as if there still might arise the situation where you are in his company at some event and he's drinking. the difference now is there is no deal. it's his life. and it's your life. you can always choose not to go or go and leave if you feel like it. it's totally up to you!
your newly found self empowerment will continue to grow as you find your new feet.
thanks for sharing.
naive
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Barb-so good to 'see' you again. I've missed reading your posts on the forum. You have the best dry wit around. Hope all is well with you!!
Naive-Yes, seeing him at social events might present a problem for me. I will need to think long and hard on how to navigate that one. On the flip side...he has done so much damage to the relationship he once had with his children it may be a while before that happens. Right after we separated his alcoholic sister told him to be careful that I don't 'turn the kids against him'. I laughed in his face when he told me that. I told him I wouldn't need to do a darn thing...he was fully capable of doing that all by himself...and he has. The bright spot in his life...our daughter...is so disgusted with him and our son lost respect for him years ago when he had his first affair.
Gold-"Thank you. quietly posting away here wondering if I am being heard. Bit like real life. need to build up some more self confidence"
I understand where you are coming from. It seems like we are alone...almost invisible...when we are in the middle of the firestorm that is life with an active alcoholic. Always taking care of the messes they create...we lose sight of ourselves and what makes us happy. People around us are so sick and tired of hearing about evey stupid thing the A in our lives does...we lose those relationships after a while. We find ourselves alone and unheard.
I promise you...you are not invisible here. This is a safe place. Post often...people do respond. We are a group of survivors that stretch across the entire planet...we cross all times zones. Our stories may be slightly different, but still have a commonality that binds us as a 'family'. We do not judge so do not be afraid to post. We offer hope...and information based on experience. But mostly we support each other no matter what. I am not sure if you know there is a way to Private Message any of us. If you feel uncomfortable posting to all...seek out an experienced member (there are so many), and reach out to them via Private Message. Once you log on there will be the words: Welcome: gold. You can find it about 6 inches from the top of the page on the right hand side. Right below that are the words "Private Messages". Click on that and go from there. If you can't find it...post again and one of us will walk you through I promise.
Your confidence will grow as you do. Stick with us...read daily...ask questions...vent when you need to, but come back often. It will be worth your time.
Naive-Yes, seeing him at social events might present a problem for me. I will need to think long and hard on how to navigate that one. On the flip side...he has done so much damage to the relationship he once had with his children it may be a while before that happens. Right after we separated his alcoholic sister told him to be careful that I don't 'turn the kids against him'. I laughed in his face when he told me that. I told him I wouldn't need to do a darn thing...he was fully capable of doing that all by himself...and he has. The bright spot in his life...our daughter...is so disgusted with him and our son lost respect for him years ago when he had his first affair.
Gold-"Thank you. quietly posting away here wondering if I am being heard. Bit like real life. need to build up some more self confidence"
I understand where you are coming from. It seems like we are alone...almost invisible...when we are in the middle of the firestorm that is life with an active alcoholic. Always taking care of the messes they create...we lose sight of ourselves and what makes us happy. People around us are so sick and tired of hearing about evey stupid thing the A in our lives does...we lose those relationships after a while. We find ourselves alone and unheard.
I promise you...you are not invisible here. This is a safe place. Post often...people do respond. We are a group of survivors that stretch across the entire planet...we cross all times zones. Our stories may be slightly different, but still have a commonality that binds us as a 'family'. We do not judge so do not be afraid to post. We offer hope...and information based on experience. But mostly we support each other no matter what. I am not sure if you know there is a way to Private Message any of us. If you feel uncomfortable posting to all...seek out an experienced member (there are so many), and reach out to them via Private Message. Once you log on there will be the words: Welcome: gold. You can find it about 6 inches from the top of the page on the right hand side. Right below that are the words "Private Messages". Click on that and go from there. If you can't find it...post again and one of us will walk you through I promise.
Your confidence will grow as you do. Stick with us...read daily...ask questions...vent when you need to, but come back often. It will be worth your time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I understand where you are coming from. It seems like we are alone...almost invisible...when we are in the middle of the firestorm that is life with an active alcoholic. Always taking care of the messes they create...we lose sight of ourselves and what makes us happy. People around us are so sick and tired of hearing about evey stupid thing the A in our lives does...we lose those relationships after a while. We find ourselves alone and unheard.
I think you hit an important point for me here. i dont want to damage my friendships by repeatedly complaining to friends and family .."he did this or that' but I do want them to understand what is going on in my life.
At SR I feel comfortable because you all get it. Get what it is like to live with an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Gold 
i dont want to damage my friendships by repeatedly complaining to friends and family .."he did this or that' but I do want them to understand what is going on in my life.
I am using that to comfort myself in my inaction. (CRAP!)
I need to move in a direction.
w
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Lavash...I'm just paying it back. There are so many I am grateful to for giving me the same!!
Thank you for letting me know my story helped. It helped me to write it...I am glad it did some good.
Gold-I just about burned every bridge with complaints about my husband. I had so many starts and stops before I actually did leave him. My own family was sick and tired of hearing me...much less my friends. I totally know where you are coming from. The thing is...unless they've lived with an A...they have no idea what we go through.
I see you are stopping to post here and there on other threads...good for you! Talk about it...get it out. It really does help.
Think of it as intensive therapy without the high price tag. That's how it works around here:-)
Thank you for letting me know my story helped. It helped me to write it...I am glad it did some good.
Gold-I just about burned every bridge with complaints about my husband. I had so many starts and stops before I actually did leave him. My own family was sick and tired of hearing me...much less my friends. I totally know where you are coming from. The thing is...unless they've lived with an A...they have no idea what we go through.
I see you are stopping to post here and there on other threads...good for you! Talk about it...get it out. It really does help.
Think of it as intensive therapy without the high price tag. That's how it works around here:-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
ENOUGH already with the,
quote, "I am an old person who is learning how to have a new life at 52 years old."
Old is for smelly cheeses, not strong women like you.
Your emphasis needs to be on the positive part of your quote, "is learning how", because you HAVE learned a lot so far and ARE learning something new everyday.
Old is when you stop learning or wanting to.
To date you are doing just fine, and giving support and hope to others in need here.
God bless
quote, "I am an old person who is learning how to have a new life at 52 years old."
Old is for smelly cheeses, not strong women like you.
Your emphasis needs to be on the positive part of your quote, "is learning how", because you HAVE learned a lot so far and ARE learning something new everyday.
Old is when you stop learning or wanting to.
To date you are doing just fine, and giving support and hope to others in need here.
God bless
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Okay!!! Okay!!!! I am not old...I am not old...I am not old!!!
If I click my heels together and say those words out loud...will it make the wrinkles and gray hair go away? We won't even talk about the sagging body parts!!!
Thanks guys!!! I appreciate the vote of confidence. Older yes...wiser...oh hell yes!!! Especially since taking my life back and coming here.
If I click my heels together and say those words out loud...will it make the wrinkles and gray hair go away? We won't even talk about the sagging body parts!!!
Thanks guys!!! I appreciate the vote of confidence. Older yes...wiser...oh hell yes!!! Especially since taking my life back and coming here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
