stella27

Why am I upset about this? And how could I have handled it better?

the last time I spoke with STBXAH was mid- December in a "counseling" session, and you may remember that he spent the entire time screaming and snarling and cursing at me. Since then, we have politely exchanged children, but certainly no conversation.

We have 3 children. Youngest is 2. H came to pick up oldest child for boy scouts last night. Instead of waiting in car, he walked right into my house.

Baby started asking for his jacked and saying "go with Dada". Oldest was scurrying around, putting on shoes, etc. He had been ready but then took OFF his coat and shoes and wasn't ready to walk out the door (darn it! Lesson #1)

So H just walks in, Mr. Friendly and starts chatting with 2 children who can't go to boy scouts. Middle child is fine - she is 7 and understands.

Baby starts screaming and crying because he can't go with "Dada". While STBXAH blithely walks out the door with oldest child.

And I am left with an inconsolable baby who does not understand why his Dad is popping in and then leaving.

So I stick my head out the door and call to XAH to please stay in the car next time and I will send son #1 out to him.

So why do I feel like a $itch? I have become physically frightened by his presence. I can't stand to have him in my house PLUS he sets my baby off and the baby cannot be reasoned with nor does he understand that he will see Daddy tomorrow night - when they can all go.

Geez. I know my request is reasonable so why do I feel like I need to make STBXAH understand my position or think I am reasonable. he won't think that. he has never thought I was reasonable. I have to do what makes me happy because he won't be happy either way.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, and thank you for any wise insight you are able to offer.

suki44883

I'd be upset too if someone just walked into my home. Maybe change your locks and next time, have your son ready and waiting at the door so that he can just run out to the car as soon as your husband arrives.

Elsie

Next time keep your door locked, or if he used to live there and has keys have the locks changed. If it's a rental, you will have to contact your landlord and request to have the locks changed.

Obviously having it locked would force him to have to knock, and you could poke your head out and ask him to wait in the car.

I'd be ticked off if an ex just walked into my home, especially one i'm not on good terms with, doubly so if it's one i'm afraid to be around.

I have been through a divorce (he and I are still great friends and share 3 children) and now with ABF whom I share 1 child with so I understand why you're upset over Daddy's presence naking the little one upset.
Unfortunately (in my opinion) this is something that will be hard, even if you and your XAH were on good terms. The little ones just don't understand yet, why they see Daddy (or Mommy) but can't go with him/her.
My best advice regarding the little one is keep your little guy busy on the times where only 1 child goes with Dad. Telling Dad to stay in the car will help too. But as I mentioned, it's going to be hard regardless of what's going on.
My daughter was 2, almost 3 when my ex husband and I separated, and it was hard for her as they had a great relationship.
There were plenty of tears and phone calls to Daddy and extended bedtimes because she couldn't sleep.
This is where "This too shall pass" comes into play. It DOES get better!

But yeah, keep the door locked, tell him to wait outside if only picking up the older one(s) and go from there.

ItsmeAlice

I agree...new locks stops the pop-in business. You're not comfortable with it and that's all the reason you need to do it.

As for the baby, not having him pop in and out may help the separation drama and having the oldest ready to run out to the car may be the only way to avoid the baby having the fleeting contact that's so upsetting.

How are you doing with the counseling issue at this point? I hope things are moving in a more healthy direction that that last session, for sure.

Hang in!

Alice

harleyd101

Whoa can I relate to that!!! My ex-husband used to walk into my house like he still lived there when he picked up the kids!! For a while, I would go into the bathroom, and just kinda wait until he left!! He never did! He would plop himself down into a chair in the living room and wait for me to come out of the bathroom!!! I was so upset over this, as I felt I was a prisoner in my own home, but it was only because I allowed it. I thought a "boundry" was something on a volleyball court! I was telling my counselor about this one day, and she told me that I had to set a boundry, and I was scared to death to do it!! Sooooo, after several more times of this, one day he comes for the kids, and I met him at the door. He opened the screen and wanted to step in, and I physically put my hand out and it landed in the middle of his chest. I then told him that he would only come into MY home with an invitation, and that he was NEVER to walk into my home without one. Well, let me tell you, he was not happy!! He didn't take the kids, and I closed the front door, and he stood on my porch calling me every name in the book! I believe the whole neighborhood heard, as did the kids, and I ran around the house closing and locking all the windows. As it turns out, the next time he came, he waited in the car, and he never stepped foot in my house again! It was empowering, liberating, and it took me a long time to get to that point. I wish the same for you. Alcoholics will just keep moving that line, and we keep backing up, moving with it. When you dig your heels in, it might be scary at first, but then, it's like NO MORE!!!!! Your done here!!! Get out!!! LOL!! Gosh, I forgot how good that felt!! Thanks for the reminder!!!

squirt

"I have to do what makes me happy because he won't be happy either way."
Stella, I like that line!