grrl77

I know I posted a bit before regarding this issue. Saturday, my exAH and I had a great convo. It was the first we'd spoken in two months, probably. It was also the first time I'd really gotten to use my useful tools I've learned via this website and the codependency book I'm reading, which was kind of exciting!

The convo was great - reminded me of old times when we actually used to laugh and have fun talking to one another. He told me about Christmas, and this fire he had in his apartment because he was trashed and apparently left a lit cigarette sitting on his futon (?!?!?), and went to sleep, and woke up to it being smokey in his apartment. He wound up having to call 911. In my head, of course, I'm thinking "WELL IF THIS ISN'T A SIGN, I DONT KNOW WHAT IS, YOU ******** LAMEASS!" What came out of my mouth went something like, "Wow, that's terrible. You're really lucky! Sucks though."

I was pretty proud of myself. Oh, he'd tried engaging in some acts of baiting me into an argument, but I'd just switch the topic to something else, and he'd follow right along. We laughed a lot, and had a great time, and I hung up feeling empowered and really happy that for the first time in a great while, we actually had a *fun* convo.

Then came last night. I'm laying in bed, feeling kind of lonely, and I shoot him a suggestive text that he should give me a ring, and you know. Be naughty. (Sorry if this is TMI.) He never responded, and I was thankful for that. But right after I hit send, I thought ... what am I DOING? Seriously? And then I feel weak, and the whole empowerment thing? It just sorta went away and died.

I'll preface this by saying, I know where I stand in his life. As long as he's an addict, I know i'll never be #1. Hell, HE isn't even #1. His addiction is. I know that I can't make sense of the jumbled mess in his head caused by his addiction. I used to think I could, but I know that's not the case.

I just wonder why I'd even send him a text like that. Maybe because I miss him. I guess I'm just more ashamed that I'd take that road, knowing he'd likely not be sober and not be in the right frame of mind. Then, it just makes me look like I'm using him, regardless of his state. Like I really have no care or concern for him. I guess I just missed HIM, if that makes sense. I wasn't thinking of the alcoholism, his addiction, I was thinking of HIM. Still, no excuse, but. Maybe that's where my frame of mind was.

Regardless, I feel like a fool for saying such things to him. I've been trying really hard to get to where I need to be, and emotionally, I feel like I was there - and then I hit Send. Y'know?

islandstyme

I did a similar thing yesterday. I've been SO clear in the past few weeks that nothing has changed. I was determined to move on and stop giving in to missing him. He had to stop by to take care of some business, and I invited him to stay for dinner. It was just dinner with me and my kids, but of course its sending him mixed signals. Ugh.

coffeedrinker

Hey, as they say "progress, not perfection"

I totally get it. I actually remember wanting my man in my life so badly that I was having a debate inside my head regarding whether or not I could just see him every once in awhile, whether he was sober or not. Crazy. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do not.

You'll get there grrl. I think it is good that you immediately realized your "slip", and then you had the guts to verbalize it.

bookwyrm

In Beyond Codependancy Melody Beattie calls these things 'recycling' - it happens a lot!!

What have you learned from it? You indulged in an old behaviour - how would you have felt about it before compared to how you feel now?

Be gentle with yourself: progress, not perfection!