enabling...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 31
enabling...
Could you please give me some basic examples of enabling? Trying to get a handle on the "correct" way to act and react around my ah.
I never cover for him.
Never buy for him.
Never make excuses for his behavior to others.
Don't pay the bills he forgets.
Don't make him eat when he should...(although I always cook).
Don't do his chores, but also don;t expect help from him with mine.
Don't put him to bed, or wake him up the next day.
Don't even pick him up when he falls down.
Don't give him money when he spends his unwisely.
Don't confront him over what he drinks...but maybe i should?
I do
avoid arguments.
walk on eggshells when he's drinking or hungover.
Forgive the ugly side of him when he drinks.
Drive when we travel, since he is usually hung over and shaky.
Not encourage company to visit because it's embarrassing.
I never cover for him.
Never buy for him.
Never make excuses for his behavior to others.
Don't pay the bills he forgets.
Don't make him eat when he should...(although I always cook).
Don't do his chores, but also don;t expect help from him with mine.
Don't put him to bed, or wake him up the next day.
Don't even pick him up when he falls down.
Don't give him money when he spends his unwisely.
Don't confront him over what he drinks...but maybe i should?
I do
avoid arguments.
walk on eggshells when he's drinking or hungover.
Forgive the ugly side of him when he drinks.
Drive when we travel, since he is usually hung over and shaky.
Not encourage company to visit because it's embarrassing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
My basic understanding of enabling....simply to sum up, is offering a place for the addict to fall so that he/she never feels the consequences of their addictive behavior.
Quiting addiction is difficult enough; without ever feeling the consequences of said addiction....practically impossible.
IMO
Quiting addiction is difficult enough; without ever feeling the consequences of said addiction....practically impossible.
IMO
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Dragonfly,
your list pretty much covers the "basic" examples of enabling. So you seem like you do not indulge in obvious enabling.
Where it gets tricky is in the more subtle forms of enabling - like providing a soft landing or treating the A differently to avoid conflict, or altering our lives due to their drinking habits. All these alterations enable them to keep drinking without consequences.
Don't confront him over what he drinks...but maybe i should?
Well it probably wouldn't do much good but I think it is a necessary step for our own sanity to state reality and stay in reality when dealing with the A. So you can say something....once....and with no expectation of any change if you feel that you need to say something because silence is in some way holding you back from being your best self or is keeping you in a state of denial....does that make sense?
Like, I would feel terribly guilty if I had not, when he was in the hospital due to a drunken incident, given my brother the number to AA and told him how very much I loved him and hoped he would get help. That was 20 years ago....my giving him that number did nothing for him, he kept right on drinking, same old story, but it sure let me exhale and let go of any feelings I had that I should be doing more for him to help him!
Now if I kept hammering at him and picking at him and pestering him about his addiciton then I would actually be enabling him while also making myself cuckoo. Enabling him because if I make him my project, if I make it a fight between he and I then again I am standing in the way of the real battle to be fought - which is between him and his addiction.......and making myself cuckoo because doing or saying the same thing over and over with any expectation of different result is the definition of insanity!
peace-
b
your list pretty much covers the "basic" examples of enabling. So you seem like you do not indulge in obvious enabling.
Where it gets tricky is in the more subtle forms of enabling - like providing a soft landing or treating the A differently to avoid conflict, or altering our lives due to their drinking habits. All these alterations enable them to keep drinking without consequences.
Don't confront him over what he drinks...but maybe i should?
Well it probably wouldn't do much good but I think it is a necessary step for our own sanity to state reality and stay in reality when dealing with the A. So you can say something....once....and with no expectation of any change if you feel that you need to say something because silence is in some way holding you back from being your best self or is keeping you in a state of denial....does that make sense?
Like, I would feel terribly guilty if I had not, when he was in the hospital due to a drunken incident, given my brother the number to AA and told him how very much I loved him and hoped he would get help. That was 20 years ago....my giving him that number did nothing for him, he kept right on drinking, same old story, but it sure let me exhale and let go of any feelings I had that I should be doing more for him to help him!
Now if I kept hammering at him and picking at him and pestering him about his addiciton then I would actually be enabling him while also making myself cuckoo. Enabling him because if I make him my project, if I make it a fight between he and I then again I am standing in the way of the real battle to be fought - which is between him and his addiction.......and making myself cuckoo because doing or saying the same thing over and over with any expectation of different result is the definition of insanity!
peace-
b
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I've been guilty of the being careful not to tell anyone about it one, myself.
Been there.
Did that.
Because in the long run (and the short run, for that matter)
it's protecting a false image they charge us with keeping on their behalf.
isn't that enabling, too?
Keeping up a facade
they can safely drink behind?
Been there.
Did that.
Because in the long run (and the short run, for that matter)
it's protecting a false image they charge us with keeping on their behalf.
isn't that enabling, too?
Keeping up a facade
they can safely drink behind?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I think you've got a handle on it pretty well.
I agree with kittyboo. It's about consequences. If he's not having to endure his own money trouble or cleaning up after himself or making his own apologies to others etc. for his actions, then he's being enabled to go on his merry way drinking with no negatives that he can see.
All the walking on eggshells and avoiding company over is still enabling him to act poorly and be difficult because his behavior is endured by you rather than him suffering the consequences. (ie having to leave so company can come over, having to endure anger from others for his behavior, having to stay home because he can't driving hungover etc.)
BUT**
The caveat here is that some things really aren't directly enabling, they are really self preservation tactics on your part and only benefit him indirectly.
I've related the story a couple times here about when I was in the process of leaving my XABF. He lost our housing that came with his job when he got laid off, and told him it was over. I was looking for housing and packing the house, and he was drinking nonstop. He was difficult, angry, and trying his best to get me to take him with me. I actually had fears he'd even try to force his way into the moving truck when I tried to leave.
In a desperate move, I went behind his back and contacted an old employer and got his old job back with a place for him to stay. As soon as that happened he backed off considerably on manipulating me and was quite pleased with himself. It didn't slow his drinking at all, but at least he left me alone until we parted.
I believed it was enabling to get his old job back for him like that, but the wise folks here made me see it was a hail Mary to save myself that was the primary focus.
So I guess if you can keep yourself and others you love as the focus in the things you do, and not the care and comfort of his alcholism, then you are on the right track. How he benefits from the things you are already doing for yourself is his luck.
More answers will come. Keep working your recovery!!
Alice
I agree with kittyboo. It's about consequences. If he's not having to endure his own money trouble or cleaning up after himself or making his own apologies to others etc. for his actions, then he's being enabled to go on his merry way drinking with no negatives that he can see.
All the walking on eggshells and avoiding company over is still enabling him to act poorly and be difficult because his behavior is endured by you rather than him suffering the consequences. (ie having to leave so company can come over, having to endure anger from others for his behavior, having to stay home because he can't driving hungover etc.)
BUT**
The caveat here is that some things really aren't directly enabling, they are really self preservation tactics on your part and only benefit him indirectly.
I've related the story a couple times here about when I was in the process of leaving my XABF. He lost our housing that came with his job when he got laid off, and told him it was over. I was looking for housing and packing the house, and he was drinking nonstop. He was difficult, angry, and trying his best to get me to take him with me. I actually had fears he'd even try to force his way into the moving truck when I tried to leave.
In a desperate move, I went behind his back and contacted an old employer and got his old job back with a place for him to stay. As soon as that happened he backed off considerably on manipulating me and was quite pleased with himself. It didn't slow his drinking at all, but at least he left me alone until we parted.
I believed it was enabling to get his old job back for him like that, but the wise folks here made me see it was a hail Mary to save myself that was the primary focus.
So I guess if you can keep yourself and others you love as the focus in the things you do, and not the care and comfort of his alcholism, then you are on the right track. How he benefits from the things you are already doing for yourself is his luck.
More answers will come. Keep working your recovery!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
please keep in mind that it is not your job to make him suffer the consequences of his actions, any more than it is your job to rescue him from them: so if you don't do it "in your eyes" perfectly you are not preventing him from seeing the light or doing it incorrectly or whatever.
there is also no evidence that enabling or not makes any difference to their choices. I am not suggesting that you therefore pick up the slack and do everything for him, I am simply suggesting that having any expectations that it will result in a positive change may be setting yourself up for a fall.
in the end your responsibility is for you, which is where Alice's example comes in fabulously and without contradiction, and why (in my opinion) carrying on not doing the things you have listed is healthy. My argument would be that it is healthy for you to not act like the mother of a 2 year old to grown man.
In that context, viewing the other behaviours you listed through a lens of their impact on you, is it healthy to deny yourself company, maintain a facade, walk on eggshells? if you decide that for now continuing with those is protective, then it is your right to carry on, without taking on a burden of this being "wrong" or impacting him in a negative way.
keep the focus on you ((hugs))
there is also no evidence that enabling or not makes any difference to their choices. I am not suggesting that you therefore pick up the slack and do everything for him, I am simply suggesting that having any expectations that it will result in a positive change may be setting yourself up for a fall.
in the end your responsibility is for you, which is where Alice's example comes in fabulously and without contradiction, and why (in my opinion) carrying on not doing the things you have listed is healthy. My argument would be that it is healthy for you to not act like the mother of a 2 year old to grown man.
In that context, viewing the other behaviours you listed through a lens of their impact on you, is it healthy to deny yourself company, maintain a facade, walk on eggshells? if you decide that for now continuing with those is protective, then it is your right to carry on, without taking on a burden of this being "wrong" or impacting him in a negative way.
keep the focus on you ((hugs))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
