light at the end of the tunnel...an update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
stillwaters, i'm sorry i worried you. actually, i worried me too! when xABF kept coming crashing through doors and stuff, it quickly turned into an out of control situation. i would never have believed he was capable of it, but he turned into a raging, possessive, drunken madman!
i always have the alarm bells sounding now when i read that a previously passive alcoholic begins to throw things or block exits. that's how it started with mine.
and (drumroll please....) : i made a doctor's appointment to be tested for STDs! (pats self on back...)
tjp613, i'm american (ex-peace corps) but i like it here in this quiet little fishing village. after i left the peace corps, i found i just wanted a quiet life somewhere kinda remote. my father is from here, so that's how i have dual citizenship.
bernadette, i remember sitting in my new garden once and xABF had come up to quack, and as i sat there listening to him complain about this or that, the SR voice-in-head said: "you are free in this moment". it felt like the sun had come out from behind the clouds. xABF was droning on, complaining about how unfair life was and all of a sudden, i WAS free. he became tiny and black and white and it didn't matter what he was saying, it had nothing to do with me anymore.
hard to explain. there were a couple of moments like that where i was elevated out of the forest and could begin to see the summit, could feel the shackles coming off of my feet. it became apparent that i could stand up and walk out of the prison. it wasn't a real prison, it was only a prison as long as i thought it was one.
the best thing tho, is that my thoughts aren't occupied with him anymore. that obsessive spinning frantic thinking, fearing the next calamity about to drop on my head.
i'm loving managing my own life. the electricity is always on and there's food in the fridge and the rent is in good standing. heaven!
tigger, barb, coffeedrinker, pray4joy - thank you for your kind words.
i always have the alarm bells sounding now when i read that a previously passive alcoholic begins to throw things or block exits. that's how it started with mine.
and (drumroll please....) : i made a doctor's appointment to be tested for STDs! (pats self on back...)
tjp613, i'm american (ex-peace corps) but i like it here in this quiet little fishing village. after i left the peace corps, i found i just wanted a quiet life somewhere kinda remote. my father is from here, so that's how i have dual citizenship.
bernadette, i remember sitting in my new garden once and xABF had come up to quack, and as i sat there listening to him complain about this or that, the SR voice-in-head said: "you are free in this moment". it felt like the sun had come out from behind the clouds. xABF was droning on, complaining about how unfair life was and all of a sudden, i WAS free. he became tiny and black and white and it didn't matter what he was saying, it had nothing to do with me anymore.
hard to explain. there were a couple of moments like that where i was elevated out of the forest and could begin to see the summit, could feel the shackles coming off of my feet. it became apparent that i could stand up and walk out of the prison. it wasn't a real prison, it was only a prison as long as i thought it was one.
the best thing tho, is that my thoughts aren't occupied with him anymore. that obsessive spinning frantic thinking, fearing the next calamity about to drop on my head.
i'm loving managing my own life. the electricity is always on and there's food in the fridge and the rent is in good standing. heaven!
tigger, barb, coffeedrinker, pray4joy - thank you for your kind words.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
... i remember sitting in my new garden once and xABF had come up to quack, and as i sat there listening to him complain about this or that, the SR voice-in-head said: "you are free in this moment". it felt like the sun had come out from behind the clouds. xABF was droning on, complaining about how unfair life was and all of a sudden, i WAS free. he became tiny and black and white and it didn't matter what he was saying, it had nothing to do with me anymore.
hard to explain. there were a couple of moments like that where i was elevated out of the forest and could begin to see the summit, could feel the shackles coming off of my feet. it became apparent that i could stand up and walk out of the prison. it wasn't a real prison, it was only a prison as long as i thought it was one.
hard to explain. there were a couple of moments like that where i was elevated out of the forest and could begin to see the summit, could feel the shackles coming off of my feet. it became apparent that i could stand up and walk out of the prison. it wasn't a real prison, it was only a prison as long as i thought it was one.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
"you are free in this moment".
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Naive, there is so much peace in your posts. It radiates through the computer. Thank you for sharing your success, it reminds me that it can be done, and I believe I actually envy you that you are there and my journey is just beginning!!! I will be rereading your post everyday, to remind me to hang on...just for a moment, just for an hour, just for a day...I feel my life is worth fighting for today, and I believe that if you can do it, I can do it too. So much gratitude that you shared that with us.....thank you again.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi naive, when are you going to change your nickname??
did you watch the movie "avatar"? they say one is born twice in life... and for you and me I believe these times are when we experience a rebirth... a shift... a "not anymore"... a "shaking off the old energy" trend...
i love it that you know who you are and dont need anyone to ack, approve or validate you... that is the best lesson ever!!!!! gives you your power and strength back... they were always yours!
i am very proud of you and i also recall a time..... being afraid of no longer seeing your nickname around. im so glad you and your HP worked together to bring you to the here and the now.
did you watch the movie "avatar"? they say one is born twice in life... and for you and me I believe these times are when we experience a rebirth... a shift... a "not anymore"... a "shaking off the old energy" trend...
i love it that you know who you are and dont need anyone to ack, approve or validate you... that is the best lesson ever!!!!! gives you your power and strength back... they were always yours!
i am very proud of you and i also recall a time..... being afraid of no longer seeing your nickname around. im so glad you and your HP worked together to bring you to the here and the now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
harleyd-
if i can do it, you can do it too. i know that is true. it took some practice to start being gentle and kind to myself as i was so used to taking care of him and ignoring my very real needs. it took a lot of discipline to stop trying to talk to him or care for him. no contact worked best for me.
the best analagy i can think of is it's like a detox. it's painful and hard in the beginning, because all the poison is coming out. it's very tough to endure this, but it is possible with the help of everyone here and with HP's help. after the detox, we are weakened and half of ourselves, but the poision is now out of our system. then, the strength starts returning and we refind ourselves and our way.
in my case, i know being here and reading the stories of the newcomers keeps it fresh in my mind why i made this choice.... because it is a choice.
if i can do it, you can do it too. i know that is true. it took some practice to start being gentle and kind to myself as i was so used to taking care of him and ignoring my very real needs. it took a lot of discipline to stop trying to talk to him or care for him. no contact worked best for me.
the best analagy i can think of is it's like a detox. it's painful and hard in the beginning, because all the poison is coming out. it's very tough to endure this, but it is possible with the help of everyone here and with HP's help. after the detox, we are weakened and half of ourselves, but the poision is now out of our system. then, the strength starts returning and we refind ourselves and our way.
in my case, i know being here and reading the stories of the newcomers keeps it fresh in my mind why i made this choice.... because it is a choice.
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Thank you for taking the time to give hope and inspiration to those of us who are at the beginning of our journey!
Your post was filled with a sense of peace I hope to achieve at some point. What a wonderful feeling that must be.
Thank you Naive!
Your post was filled with a sense of peace I hope to achieve at some point. What a wonderful feeling that must be.
Thank you Naive!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Burlington, VT.
Posts: 30
I relate to you in so many ways, Naive... Are you a part of any other forums? You remind me of LAA (Which I am also a part of). Anyway, 12-step in general is great! I would love to chat sometime; feel free (anyone) to message me on *****!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Thank you for sharing your story
I dont know much about your earlier journey and you know what....... after thinking about it I am not gping to go back and read it.
This post is so calm and peaceful and I feel blessed to be able to witness it.
Congratulations for having the courage to make choices that serve you well.
I dont know much about your earlier journey and you know what....... after thinking about it I am not gping to go back and read it.
This post is so calm and peaceful and I feel blessed to be able to witness it.
Congratulations for having the courage to make choices that serve you well.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 11
It is so good to hear of success! Congrats on the strength you have found.
"there used to be part of me that wanted him to realize what he lost, but that too is gone. i know who i am and i don't require him to validate me"
WOW! That is so spot on. In my case I want to have our marriage back to "the way it was" or "the way I thought it was but it never really was because of the lies"
I want my wife to realize what she took away from me and the kids, but then again does it really matter?
Validation? I have never really articulated it that way but that is so real to me.
"there used to be part of me that wanted him to realize what he lost, but that too is gone. i know who i am and i don't require him to validate me"
WOW! That is so spot on. In my case I want to have our marriage back to "the way it was" or "the way I thought it was but it never really was because of the lies"
I want my wife to realize what she took away from me and the kids, but then again does it really matter?
Validation? I have never really articulated it that way but that is so real to me.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by TheShire 
In my case I want to have our marriage back to "the way it was" or "the way I thought it was but it never really was because of the lies"
Some choose to give up the marriage they wanted.
Some choose to give up the person they wanted.
Naive: I think you should change your name to Serene.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Naive...no more!
I am fairly new here, but I feel such peace in what you write! I am only one month away from my A, but I am seeing myself in your posts! Peace. Tranquilty. All good.
I am looking forward to being in the place you are at this moment! You inspire me!
I am fairly new here, but I feel such peace in what you write! I am only one month away from my A, but I am seeing myself in your posts! Peace. Tranquilty. All good.
I am looking forward to being in the place you are at this moment! You inspire me!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 24
Have to add my thanks here, as well. I am new to SR and new to the idea that I no longer have to live the way I've been living. It's not terrible, not violent...just sad and, well, tedious, I guess. What you said about how he went from being passive to blocking doors, and how it escalated from there really resonated. My AH has never so much as raised his voice to me, but once I told him I was leaving him, he got angry and it got ugly--not physical, but threats of lawyers and judges, and dragging the kids into it.
It's another story for another time, but thank you for being here in good times as well as bad. It's very inspiring to see where I may find myself in the not-too-distant future--at peace with myself and my decisions and in charge of my own life.
It's another story for another time, but thank you for being here in good times as well as bad. It's very inspiring to see where I may find myself in the not-too-distant future--at peace with myself and my decisions and in charge of my own life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Mpls, MN
Posts: 16
Naive, I love that you have shared your success story. If no one ever knows we can succeed, it's so much harder to take the journey. My AH refuses AA because only "20% Make it" he says. Well, I'd rather work my AO and be part of that 20% than sitting in the muck with the other 80%. Life gives us no guarantees, it's what we make of it and you're doing a super duper job! I hope I can find my peaceful garden. What a beautiful expression of success you shared! Wow, wow wow! I too think a name change is in order for you. Maybe I should change mine too. Makes me think about where I am now as compared to where I was a few months ago. hmmmmmm. Interestingly, the Al anon reading for Dec 1 was about looking back over the last year to see where we've made progress. It was very helpful, especially when we feel we've floundered sometimes. We'll always flounder...sometimes but having the program and all of you helps me dive into the deep water knowing I'll always have a lifeline and teachers. Bless you for being one. You did a good 12th step here! Thanks!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi rayn-
i can't say that there was a moment that the poison was wholly gone, as that poison had its real roots in my childhood, so it's an on-going journey. i keep reminding myself "let go" and that is way larger than letting go of xABF...it means let go of all the dysfunction i've picked up, it means to let go of bad habits, to continue to let go of toxic people.
what helps me is to just keep doing the next right thing, for myself and within the universal laws of HP.
i am learning how to continue to set boundaries, in just normal life now. for example, i was out with a friend the other night and he was getting drunker, and i said something, nothing out of the usual or offensive and he said "shut the f*ck up". i thought about that for a minute and then said to him "that is the last time you say that to me. i don't deserve to be spoken to that way. if you ever address me that way again, i will walk away from you immediately, so don't be surprised."
i've put up with way too much for way too long, and i am continually in the process of redefining myself right now..a lot of it comes with acceptance or willingness to be alone. i'm willing to be alone now and that in itself is quite empowering. i have a lot of work to do, things i want to accomplish...i try to focus on those things.
for example, i want to detox and am learning new ways of juicing and eating and fasting. i want to get my body strong and am teaching myself yoga via youtube. and of course, there is my relationship to HP, which requires time for reading, reflection and meditation.
many of my goals require peace and quiet, which i happen to have now, so i just look at this time as a time of spiritual renewal and personal growth. and i feel glad to have such time to address some things i've wanted to face within myself.
like my therapist says, it's hard work but its worth it.
i can't say that there was a moment that the poison was wholly gone, as that poison had its real roots in my childhood, so it's an on-going journey. i keep reminding myself "let go" and that is way larger than letting go of xABF...it means let go of all the dysfunction i've picked up, it means to let go of bad habits, to continue to let go of toxic people.
what helps me is to just keep doing the next right thing, for myself and within the universal laws of HP.
i am learning how to continue to set boundaries, in just normal life now. for example, i was out with a friend the other night and he was getting drunker, and i said something, nothing out of the usual or offensive and he said "shut the f*ck up". i thought about that for a minute and then said to him "that is the last time you say that to me. i don't deserve to be spoken to that way. if you ever address me that way again, i will walk away from you immediately, so don't be surprised."
i've put up with way too much for way too long, and i am continually in the process of redefining myself right now..a lot of it comes with acceptance or willingness to be alone. i'm willing to be alone now and that in itself is quite empowering. i have a lot of work to do, things i want to accomplish...i try to focus on those things.
for example, i want to detox and am learning new ways of juicing and eating and fasting. i want to get my body strong and am teaching myself yoga via youtube. and of course, there is my relationship to HP, which requires time for reading, reflection and meditation.
many of my goals require peace and quiet, which i happen to have now, so i just look at this time as a time of spiritual renewal and personal growth. and i feel glad to have such time to address some things i've wanted to face within myself.
like my therapist says, it's hard work but its worth it.
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