light at the end of the tunnel...an update
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You are the best! so, so glad we are on "this side" of the bridge now. It is a wonderful gift. We have changed in so many ways and still have so much life ahead of us!
I have caught myself getting really excited about things in the future. I always lived in the past and of course not in the good stuff of the past, only the miserable stuff. Getting to know my family and extended family has gone a long way in healing as I understand why I have done many things and where my pessimism/resentment/longing comes from.... and realizing it may not be who I truly am is very freeing.
I am also doing yoga and eating better and fasting more and treating myself as a FRIEND and buying clothes I like and listening to the music I enjoy.. and choosing who I interact with... I also tolerate less any sign of disrespect around me. I am able to "give back" the stuff to the original owners. I feel I have qualities now, lol and those are sinking in as the truth! this journey has so many advantages! I look and feel better and the other day I was driving near a bar that reminds me of him+GF and I realized he is still who he always was- but I am becoming who I was always supposed to be! it's a true blessing and thanks for all your support along the way!! wish we could juice and do yoga together
I have caught myself getting really excited about things in the future. I always lived in the past and of course not in the good stuff of the past, only the miserable stuff. Getting to know my family and extended family has gone a long way in healing as I understand why I have done many things and where my pessimism/resentment/longing comes from.... and realizing it may not be who I truly am is very freeing.
I am also doing yoga and eating better and fasting more and treating myself as a FRIEND and buying clothes I like and listening to the music I enjoy.. and choosing who I interact with... I also tolerate less any sign of disrespect around me. I am able to "give back" the stuff to the original owners. I feel I have qualities now, lol and those are sinking in as the truth! this journey has so many advantages! I look and feel better and the other day I was driving near a bar that reminds me of him+GF and I realized he is still who he always was- but I am becoming who I was always supposed to be! it's a true blessing and thanks for all your support along the way!! wish we could juice and do yoga together
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 7
I truly needed to read your story... I went through such a similiar experience, and it took me 3 years to realize I was in a relationship w/ a highly abusive ABF situation... I took so much of the blame... but, I too found my freedom.. Cheers to you!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
I have been praying I get rid of the urge to go see my xah, it has been a year now and all I can think is that he is happy, sober with a new younger girlfriend...it is killing me. I am glad to read this post but I am not sure I am going to make it. ...
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Originally Posted by ODAT63 
I have been praying I get rid of the urge to go see my xah, it has been a year now and all I can think is that he is happy, sober with a new younger girlfriend...it is killing me. I am glad to read this post but I am not sure I am going to make it. ...
He came back, realized he made a mistake (he MARRIED her, got HER pregnant, I could go on and on, but it's not worth it). By then, it was too late. I realized that I could go back and pretend to be happy and everything would look fine, but I would be fooling myself. I deserve better than that. I will never go back. He will never have that power to hurt me again.
Move on. You deserve it. You are going to kill yourself worrying about him and what he is doing, and even if it takes you 2 years like me, it will be worth it. You will find someone out there who is better and is the one you are meant to be with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Well, it will be two years since he left, he was sober for a year when he told me he was not in love with me anymore and then filed for divorce. He did drink 9 months later and tried to come back, I was already seeing someone "a normal nice guy" which I am still dating but for some reason I just got hit by this urge to see him, i have called him hiding my number just to listen to his voice, I was married to him for 16 years and was his best friend (besides the bottle). I want to show up at his meeting, just to see if I (we) still feel something. My boyfriend knows I am struggling right now but he is not sure about what.!! I did a meeting last night and I am doing one tonight, going to the gym, and my CPR (call, pray, read). but the urge is taking over. ...I am hurting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
@odat63: i know the pain of a heartbreak. give yourself the gift of being present in your pain. feel it. sit with it. grieve. it's a process. it takes time. but this too will pass.
in the last analysis, it isn't him you are looking for, it's yourself.
the confusion, longing and doubts aren't easy to bare. there is no shortcut. seeing him will only prolong your suffering. he doesn't have any thing you need. everything you need lies within yourself.
i know the pain of a heartbreak.
may peace be with you.
in the last analysis, it isn't him you are looking for, it's yourself.
the confusion, longing and doubts aren't easy to bare. there is no shortcut. seeing him will only prolong your suffering. he doesn't have any thing you need. everything you need lies within yourself.
i know the pain of a heartbreak.
may peace be with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
@marytherboo:
you have made a bold, decisive, courageous bolt towards freedom. it is truly a pleasure to meet you and share this journey with you. well met in-deed.
at the end of the day, this journey is not even about our alcoholics, although that's how we got here. rather, this journey is about embracing love, truth, loyalty, honesty, sobriety (and it's accompanying clarity) and respect. it is about taking back our birthright.
the dalai lama was once asked who his best teacher was? and he responded that it was the chinese dictator who threw him out of tibet, because it was him who taught him forgiveness.
your fan,
naive
you have made a bold, decisive, courageous bolt towards freedom. it is truly a pleasure to meet you and share this journey with you. well met in-deed.
at the end of the day, this journey is not even about our alcoholics, although that's how we got here. rather, this journey is about embracing love, truth, loyalty, honesty, sobriety (and it's accompanying clarity) and respect. it is about taking back our birthright.
the dalai lama was once asked who his best teacher was? and he responded that it was the chinese dictator who threw him out of tibet, because it was him who taught him forgiveness.
your fan,
naive
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Thank you Naive, I went to see my therapist last night, it was helpful to work on getting rid of the hurt and anger I have against my xah. It is his lost not mine, I also wrote few of my feelings in a piece of paper and burned them, gave them to God to take care of it, I feel a little bit lighter today. Thank you so much for sharing your strenght and experience. You are awesome! 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
@odat63:
not to sound oblique, but rather than try to get "rid" of the hurt and anger, what i am proposing is to actually just feel your hurt and anger without trying to push it away from youself. this is the path to true healing, forgiveness and acceptance of oneself.
we spend our whole lives trying to avoid our feelings and then wonder how we create the same situational pattern over and over!?
it is ok to feel hurt and angry! his actions of moving on so quickly with someone new appear to minimize the value of you and also serve to cheapen your relationship with him. i have had that experience and it hurts deeply to be so easily replaced, like one would replace a car tire with a newer version and then just jump back in the car and drive away.
what is important to cultivate, in the quiet moments, is a relationship with oneself and our relationship to all life. external people, they come and they go; emotions, they come and they go. that is their nature : transient, in a constant state of flux and change.
but to have deep knowledge of who we are, to know one's own intent in this life, these are the precious gift of self knowledge through recovery that no event, no person, no tradgedy can ever take from us.
all of us have been granted the power, if we so desire, to seek an opening to freedom and go through it.
well done, odat, with the therapy, the writing exercise and then the surrender. just keep putting the focus back onto yourself, your growth, your journey. more will be revealed!
not to sound oblique, but rather than try to get "rid" of the hurt and anger, what i am proposing is to actually just feel your hurt and anger without trying to push it away from youself. this is the path to true healing, forgiveness and acceptance of oneself.
we spend our whole lives trying to avoid our feelings and then wonder how we create the same situational pattern over and over!?
it is ok to feel hurt and angry! his actions of moving on so quickly with someone new appear to minimize the value of you and also serve to cheapen your relationship with him. i have had that experience and it hurts deeply to be so easily replaced, like one would replace a car tire with a newer version and then just jump back in the car and drive away.
what is important to cultivate, in the quiet moments, is a relationship with oneself and our relationship to all life. external people, they come and they go; emotions, they come and they go. that is their nature : transient, in a constant state of flux and change.
but to have deep knowledge of who we are, to know one's own intent in this life, these are the precious gift of self knowledge through recovery that no event, no person, no tradgedy can ever take from us.
all of us have been granted the power, if we so desire, to seek an opening to freedom and go through it.
well done, odat, with the therapy, the writing exercise and then the surrender. just keep putting the focus back onto yourself, your growth, your journey. more will be revealed!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
Me too
Originally Posted by naive
thanks for your continued support, jadmack and catlover-
what can i say except i feel love flowing thru me for everyone here. i don't know where i would be now without this place...maybe crippled or dead by fire or insane.
may the others find us and come into the safety and strength given so freely and selflessly here. this is my prayer today.
i recall clearly the moment my confused mind made a decison to follow the advice here. i thought to myself "it is obvious to me that i can't think straight anymore but these people seem to be able to."
i remember very clearly typing my first post. i read over it in my haze and thought "dear me"" and hit the send button.
i don't know if i can ever repay what has been given to me, but i'm gonna try.
naive
what can i say except i feel love flowing thru me for everyone here. i don't know where i would be now without this place...maybe crippled or dead by fire or insane.
may the others find us and come into the safety and strength given so freely and selflessly here. this is my prayer today.
i recall clearly the moment my confused mind made a decison to follow the advice here. i thought to myself "it is obvious to me that i can't think straight anymore but these people seem to be able to."
i remember very clearly typing my first post. i read over it in my haze and thought "dear me"" and hit the send button.
i don't know if i can ever repay what has been given to me, but i'm gonna try.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by naive
hello sr family-
well, it's january now. i left my abf last march. i feel myself coming back now. i forgot how much i enjoy my own company. it feels so good to be away from abf and his whole lifestyle. i realize now it wasn't only him who was toxic, it was also his toxic friends. i do not miss the depressed energy nor the highs and the lows.
i've had many offers from other men, but at this point, i know i am best solo. and it feels good. i'm eating healthy, sleeping, making sure i get some daily sunshine, doing simple yoga. my mom is going to buy me a juicer and i'm excited to start juicing fruits and vegetables. i want to be healthy and strong.
my broken shoulder is healing now and i can do six push ups! i am going to rehabilitate it by swimming. it took 7 months but i am no longer in pain. i don't have the same flexibility but i think i can get that back if i discipline myself. it's one of my goals for this year to get back to 100% strong, body mind and soul.
financially, i am poor but it's ok. i feel the years of built-up resentment leaving me now and i'm left with compasssion for all of those within the grasp of alcohol.
i went 5 months without a drink, but now i take one occassionally. for myself, those 5 months sober were critical as my life was spinning out of control and i needed to get back in the driver's seat.
as for xABF, he parties on. i heard he was leaving the town, which would be great. he has a new lover who is like him. i don't know her, but i know that she is a heavy drinker, she looks aged even tho she is younger than i, her house is filthy and she is known for her street fighting.
i feel neutral about it. my heart doesn't hurt anymore.
i look forward to the springtime and my new home has a big yard. i'm going to plant some vegetables and watch them grow. i have a boombox and i look forward to doing some gymanastic tumbling in my new yard, once my arm is strong enough. i used to be a gymnast, so the broken shoulder was really a hit to me.
the townsfolk are a split bag. it's a small place and xABF is the local. i have been surprised by the number of people who have abandoned me and believe his lies and i have also been surprised at those who have helped me. lately, i have been receiving the tip-offs as i go down the street, as to if xABF is about. this is great, as i can change my course and avoid him.
so, i guess this whole thing has shown me who my friends are and who the fake friends are. valuable lesson indeed.
xABF sold my car last week, i was told by his brother. and you know what? i don't care. it was the last thing outstanding and now it's over. he gave me none of the profits but i am glad because what is the cost of the anxiety and lost sleep wondering if he would actually rip me off once more. so he did. fine. it's finished and i actually am glad it's finished so i don't have to think about it anymore. it's a relief actually.
i think i'm coming out of the woods now.
i saw xABF yesterday. he beckoned me over. i took a good look at him, standing there wearing the shoes i bought him, the shirt i bought him. he had a new tattoo on his neck, he looked desperate. i looked him in the eyes and then turned away. it's not that i am indifferent to his suffering but what can i say that has not already been said?
there used to be part of me that wanted him to realize what he lost, but that too is gone. i know who i am and i don't require him to validate me. i know who he is too, and it's not what i want for myself.
so friends, that's the update. i couldn't have done it without you and i seek to return what has been given me here.
naive
well, it's january now. i left my abf last march. i feel myself coming back now. i forgot how much i enjoy my own company. it feels so good to be away from abf and his whole lifestyle. i realize now it wasn't only him who was toxic, it was also his toxic friends. i do not miss the depressed energy nor the highs and the lows.
i've had many offers from other men, but at this point, i know i am best solo. and it feels good. i'm eating healthy, sleeping, making sure i get some daily sunshine, doing simple yoga. my mom is going to buy me a juicer and i'm excited to start juicing fruits and vegetables. i want to be healthy and strong.
my broken shoulder is healing now and i can do six push ups! i am going to rehabilitate it by swimming. it took 7 months but i am no longer in pain. i don't have the same flexibility but i think i can get that back if i discipline myself. it's one of my goals for this year to get back to 100% strong, body mind and soul.
financially, i am poor but it's ok. i feel the years of built-up resentment leaving me now and i'm left with compasssion for all of those within the grasp of alcohol.
i went 5 months without a drink, but now i take one occassionally. for myself, those 5 months sober were critical as my life was spinning out of control and i needed to get back in the driver's seat.
as for xABF, he parties on. i heard he was leaving the town, which would be great. he has a new lover who is like him. i don't know her, but i know that she is a heavy drinker, she looks aged even tho she is younger than i, her house is filthy and she is known for her street fighting.
i feel neutral about it. my heart doesn't hurt anymore.
i look forward to the springtime and my new home has a big yard. i'm going to plant some vegetables and watch them grow. i have a boombox and i look forward to doing some gymanastic tumbling in my new yard, once my arm is strong enough. i used to be a gymnast, so the broken shoulder was really a hit to me.
the townsfolk are a split bag. it's a small place and xABF is the local. i have been surprised by the number of people who have abandoned me and believe his lies and i have also been surprised at those who have helped me. lately, i have been receiving the tip-offs as i go down the street, as to if xABF is about. this is great, as i can change my course and avoid him.
so, i guess this whole thing has shown me who my friends are and who the fake friends are. valuable lesson indeed.
xABF sold my car last week, i was told by his brother. and you know what? i don't care. it was the last thing outstanding and now it's over. he gave me none of the profits but i am glad because what is the cost of the anxiety and lost sleep wondering if he would actually rip me off once more. so he did. fine. it's finished and i actually am glad it's finished so i don't have to think about it anymore. it's a relief actually.
i think i'm coming out of the woods now.
i saw xABF yesterday. he beckoned me over. i took a good look at him, standing there wearing the shoes i bought him, the shirt i bought him. he had a new tattoo on his neck, he looked desperate. i looked him in the eyes and then turned away. it's not that i am indifferent to his suffering but what can i say that has not already been said?
there used to be part of me that wanted him to realize what he lost, but that too is gone. i know who i am and i don't require him to validate me. i know who he is too, and it's not what i want for myself.
so friends, that's the update. i couldn't have done it without you and i seek to return what has been given me here.
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 1
9 years later
Dear Sober Recovery Family-
Naïve here. I made a new login to communicate with you, as I can’t login to my old naïve account. It’s been 9 years now. (see naïve thread). What can I say other than thank you!
All is well. I just reread my ‘naïve’ thread and my, my, my!
You were there for me when I was on my knees. And I return here to thank you.
Since then, I got free and went back to university. I just got my Master’s degree in Theology from St Andrews. Thank you for believing in me and keeping me out of harm’s way.
It got kinda crazy there.
I guess what I want to say is that you were there for me, in my hour of need. And I paid attention and moved, per your counsel.
And now, I am free! And now I have a master’s degree, after 5 years at university.
I want to thank you for guiding me. I am now safe and sound.
You guys rock!
Naïve here. I made a new login to communicate with you, as I can’t login to my old naïve account. It’s been 9 years now. (see naïve thread). What can I say other than thank you!
All is well. I just reread my ‘naïve’ thread and my, my, my!
You were there for me when I was on my knees. And I return here to thank you.
Since then, I got free and went back to university. I just got my Master’s degree in Theology from St Andrews. Thank you for believing in me and keeping me out of harm’s way.
It got kinda crazy there.
I guess what I want to say is that you were there for me, in my hour of need. And I paid attention and moved, per your counsel.
And now, I am free! And now I have a master’s degree, after 5 years at university.
I want to thank you for guiding me. I am now safe and sound.
You guys rock!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I want to second what dandy said, naive2--every single voice that says "yes, it's hard, but I did it" is so important.
I'm so happy that you've got the life you want, and I wish you ongoing growth and learning as well as joy in every day!
I'm so happy that you've got the life you want, and I wish you ongoing growth and learning as well as joy in every day!
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