The unfairness of it all
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
The unfairness of it all
I couldn't get out of bed this morning and very teary. Just feeling so, so depressed. My AH ramps up his drinking during the holidays and refuses to get any help. Basically, I'm just feeling so stuck. I want him to hold me, comfort me while I'm crying, reassure me that things will get better, but he's not even here. In fact, he's embarked on a campaign to make my life miserable by calling his friends, his family, my friend and my family to tell them what a horrible person I am and even set up a website for recording of our arguments and pictures of our messy house. I just for once want to be the "sick" one who gets the attention when I need it, because all I feel is alone.
I think of the past 12 years, how I have been there for him through all of the problems caused by drinking: 2 broken legs, a dui, 3 short stints in rehab, at least 4 "at home" detoxes, emergency and hospital visits, doctor appointments, bailing him out of jail, helping him cope with with his parents' chronic and fatal diseases, and the list goes on. Where is he now when I need some encouragement?
I mean, can't anyone help me when I need it? I'm almost always there to help people emotionally and financially, but nobody is here for me. I'm sure some of you can relate. There just any amount of antidepressents to help me feel loved and appreciated for at least trying to be of help and service and not getting anything in return.
I know, do something nice for myself etc. But it doesn't take away from the unfairness of it all. Sorry for the rant, I'm just really, really sad and negative. How do I get past this? Yes, I've prayed.
I think of the past 12 years, how I have been there for him through all of the problems caused by drinking: 2 broken legs, a dui, 3 short stints in rehab, at least 4 "at home" detoxes, emergency and hospital visits, doctor appointments, bailing him out of jail, helping him cope with with his parents' chronic and fatal diseases, and the list goes on. Where is he now when I need some encouragement?
I mean, can't anyone help me when I need it? I'm almost always there to help people emotionally and financially, but nobody is here for me. I'm sure some of you can relate. There just any amount of antidepressents to help me feel loved and appreciated for at least trying to be of help and service and not getting anything in return.
I know, do something nice for myself etc. But it doesn't take away from the unfairness of it all. Sorry for the rant, I'm just really, really sad and negative. How do I get past this? Yes, I've prayed.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Saint Francis
Have you read "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie?
Do you have a therapist or counselor?
Those 2 tools have helped me a great deal sort out why I always felt depleted of my energy. I did not give things to others because I wanted, they were "gifts with strings attached", I gave my time, work, emotions, body, soul, everything... in order to obtain love and acceptance... and I always failed... or what people gave me back was not enough.
I believe those are learned patterns and only a professional can help you sort out the role you have had in the past and help you not to repeat them. Hugs!!
Have you read "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie?
Do you have a therapist or counselor?
Those 2 tools have helped me a great deal sort out why I always felt depleted of my energy. I did not give things to others because I wanted, they were "gifts with strings attached", I gave my time, work, emotions, body, soul, everything... in order to obtain love and acceptance... and I always failed... or what people gave me back was not enough.
I believe those are learned patterns and only a professional can help you sort out the role you have had in the past and help you not to repeat them. Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Hello Saint Francis. I am sorry for your pain. And you are right, it isn't fair. From everything I have read, those of us who love and have become entangled in the life of an alcholic actually end up suffering more than the A does.
Have you read the book "Codependent No More"? It really helped shed some light on things for me as far as what I needed to work on for myself to stop being a victim and feeling so used.
Your statement......"I mean, can't anyone help me when I need it? I'm almost always there to help people emotionally and financially, but nobody is here for me. I'm sure some of you can relate. There just any amount of antidepressents to help me feel loved and appreciated for at least trying to be of help and service and not getting anything in return.".......was exactly how I felt until I started to learn about codependency and how to help myself.
Hugs to you.
Have you read the book "Codependent No More"? It really helped shed some light on things for me as far as what I needed to work on for myself to stop being a victim and feeling so used.
Your statement......"I mean, can't anyone help me when I need it? I'm almost always there to help people emotionally and financially, but nobody is here for me. I'm sure some of you can relate. There just any amount of antidepressents to help me feel loved and appreciated for at least trying to be of help and service and not getting anything in return.".......was exactly how I felt until I started to learn about codependency and how to help myself.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
Hi Saint Francis
Have you read "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie?
Do you have a therapist or counselor?
Those 2 tools have helped me a great deal sort out why I always felt depleted of my energy. I did not give things to others because I wanted, they were "gifts with strings attached", I gave my time, work, emotions, body, soul, everything... in order to obtain love and acceptance... and I always failed... or what people gave me back was not enough.
I believe those are learned patterns and only a professional can help you sort out the role you have had in the past and help you not to repeat them. Hugs!!
Have you read "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie?
Do you have a therapist or counselor?
Those 2 tools have helped me a great deal sort out why I always felt depleted of my energy. I did not give things to others because I wanted, they were "gifts with strings attached", I gave my time, work, emotions, body, soul, everything... in order to obtain love and acceptance... and I always failed... or what people gave me back was not enough.
I believe those are learned patterns and only a professional can help you sort out the role you have had in the past and help you not to repeat them. Hugs!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Thank you. Yes, I have read Melody Beaties' books and they have helped. Even she has slipped and fell back into the old patterns and paid for it with depression. That makes her human, just like me. I don't have a therapist anymore, can't afford it or have insurance but would love one.
I try to council myself and read as much as I can, but sometimes it's just too much. I wish I was stronger. I can and have lived with the disease and often can detach. But what I can't fathom is purposeful cruelty a supposed loved one can inflict on me or others. This is what put me over the edge. I know alcohol is powerful and cunning, but cruel???
I try to council myself and read as much as I can, but sometimes it's just too much. I wish I was stronger. I can and have lived with the disease and often can detach. But what I can't fathom is purposeful cruelty a supposed loved one can inflict on me or others. This is what put me over the edge. I know alcohol is powerful and cunning, but cruel???
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Saint Francis
I mean, can't anyone help me when I need it?
You.
I know that sounds like hogwash. Easy to pass over, unhelpful drivel. But think about it.
I heard once, "Promise to marry yourself and never leave you."
How deep is that? Because all I have wanted is someone to promise to never leave me. But that is no one's job but my own. And I abandoned myself long, long ago. No wonder I am so lonely.
In what ways do we walk out on ourselves? Lie to ourselves? Abandon ourselves? Not care for ourselves?
If you find solace in yourself, enjoyment in yourself, love in yourself - you can never feel alone. You can never feel bored. You can never feel unloved.
Truly.
And when you do care for yourself - love yourself, you both don't need to look outside yourself for someone to care for, nor do you need to look outside yourself for someone to care for you. And at that point, a partnership is a gift. A bonus. Extra goodness on top of the greatness that is you. But not a necessity. So that you don't need to expect anything, but also can move on if you aren't getting what you want. Because all you need will go with you.
May you have all you need with you.
Hugs,
Wife
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
I have been where you are trust me and one thing about living with an alcoholic is that what they have done is incredibly unfair and will continue to be so as long as they can get away with it. This is what A's do they try to draw us in to their chaotic world and don't let him do that anymore.
Basically what I did was yell to myself "I am mad as he** and I am not going to take it anymore!"
Basically what I did was yell to myself "I am mad as he** and I am not going to take it anymore!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
It is terribly unfair, and I absolutely HATED learning that people can be cruel - alcohol or not. It is a painful and harsh realization. And the pain I am dealing with now is not his cruelty toward me, but WHY I kept on accepting it.
I have just made a vow to myself that I will never voluntarily be the object of someone's direct cruelty and abuse again. Ever.
It is so unfair and heartbreaking. You can have a better life than that.
I have just made a vow to myself that I will never voluntarily be the object of someone's direct cruelty and abuse again. Ever.
It is so unfair and heartbreaking. You can have a better life than that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Saint Francis
Thank you. Yes, I have read Melody Beaties' books and they have helped. Even she has slipped and fell back into the old patterns and paid for it with depression. That makes her human, just like me. I don't have a therapist anymore, can't afford it or have insurance but would love one.
I try to council myself and read as much as I can, but sometimes it's just too much. I wish I was stronger. I can and have lived with the disease and often can detach. But what I can't fathom is purposeful cruelty a supposed loved one can inflict on me or others. This is what put me over the edge. I know alcohol is powerful and cunning, but cruel???
I try to council myself and read as much as I can, but sometimes it's just too much. I wish I was stronger. I can and have lived with the disease and often can detach. But what I can't fathom is purposeful cruelty a supposed loved one can inflict on me or others. This is what put me over the edge. I know alcohol is powerful and cunning, but cruel???
Somewhere in the stickies on this forum is a letter from an alcoholic. I'm sure someone else can point you to the exact location. But the bottom line of that letter from the A to the loved one is "stop being surprised every time I lie to you, hurt you, treat you cruelly, manipulate you, etc. I'm an alcoholic and that's just what I do".
When I found that letter on this forum it changed everything for me because there I had been for 12 years acting shocked everytime I got hurt or mistreated by my A. As long as he is drinking he will ALWAYS be cruel to you.
If you can't afford a therapist go to Al Anon. It is free. Or you can always turn to your HP. That helps me more than anything. I wish you peace.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
Yes.
I know that sounds like hogwash. Easy to pass over, unhelpful drivel. But think about it.
I heard once, "Promise to marry yourself and never leave you."
How deep is that? Because all I have wanted is someone to promise to never leave me. But that is no one's job but my own. And I abandoned myself long, long ago. No wonder I am so lonely.
In what ways do we walk out on ourselves? Lie to ourselves? Abandon ourselves? Not care for ourselves?
If you find solace in yourself, enjoyment in yourself, love in yourself - you can never feel alone. You can never feel bored. You can never feel unloved.
Truly.
And when you do care for yourself - love yourself, you both don't need to look outside yourself for someone to care for, nor do you need to look outside yourself for someone to care for you. And at that point, a partnership is a gift. A bonus. Extra goodness on top of the greatness that is you. But not a necessity. So that you don't need to expect anything, but also can move on if you aren't getting what you want. Because all you need will go with you.
May you have all you need with you.
Hugs,
Wife
You.
I know that sounds like hogwash. Easy to pass over, unhelpful drivel. But think about it.
I heard once, "Promise to marry yourself and never leave you."
How deep is that? Because all I have wanted is someone to promise to never leave me. But that is no one's job but my own. And I abandoned myself long, long ago. No wonder I am so lonely.
In what ways do we walk out on ourselves? Lie to ourselves? Abandon ourselves? Not care for ourselves?
If you find solace in yourself, enjoyment in yourself, love in yourself - you can never feel alone. You can never feel bored. You can never feel unloved.
Truly.
And when you do care for yourself - love yourself, you both don't need to look outside yourself for someone to care for, nor do you need to look outside yourself for someone to care for you. And at that point, a partnership is a gift. A bonus. Extra goodness on top of the greatness that is you. But not a necessity. So that you don't need to expect anything, but also can move on if you aren't getting what you want. Because all you need will go with you.
May you have all you need with you.
Hugs,
Wife
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