Help me god.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 15
Help me god.
So driving back fr xmas with AH's parents. This is day 2 on the road, and leaving yesterday was hell. His step father saw that we rode in with no spare, and was livid (glad he didn't find out that AH switched my license plate w his before the trip since my tags were expired instead of renewing my tags before the trip... Totally illegal... Just anothee boundry I thought he would never cross, and he did... Reassured me that its fine, its no big deal, we won't get stopped). I came downstairs with the baby and found AH's mom on her laptop looking up dealerships, his stepdad on the phone with auto part placed, and AH... Watching tv! Waiting for everyone to fix the problem for him so he cld get on the road, I guess. His mom was getting so frustrated with him, trying to motivate him to call places. She sat beside him as he begrudgingly called one or two, whispering to ask them this or that, which he did not. Didn't even get names. He got up to pseudo pack and wander around smoking cigarettes, hanging out with the dog. He'd mentioned he wanted to stay another day, but I was dying to get home, and I was so angry. But I was sort of happy that his mom was seeing what I deal with, tho she doesn't know the full extent of his drinking... She must have some idea, though, since she's the one who convinced him to go to rehab 6 years ago for heroin detox.
She stopped me when AH was out of earshot, actually apologizing to me for him! I told her that this inability to make decisions, take care of problems, and general lack of interest in being responsible for anyone or anything was an ALL THE TIME thing. She said that AH didn't have his father around when he was growing up (the man died of ALCOHOLISM when AH was 14, still married to AH's mom... She is the enabler of all enablers, IMHO), but that didn't mean that I should have to do everything for him. I had to run upstairs to keep from bawling and replying that she didn't know the half of it. She showered AH with money for my tire and then some, like she always does.
How does he NOT see what everyone else finds glaringly obvious??? He didn't drink again in the hotel last night - making night 5 of sobriety in all the 5 YEARS THAT I've KNOWN HIM!! And when I confronted him on the trip the other night, he said that I have not noticed that he's been drinking less, that he has no intention of quitting completely as he does not have a problem, and that I am basically making a big deal about nothing. When I address his inability to make any goals for his life, his slothlike behavior, etc etc, he says, "what are you TALKING about?"
So I feel like an a**hole for planning to leave w DD. But what I hate the most is how he pretends. He uses me and his mom for resources then plays house, like he's this great responsible family guy, enjoying the life without doing any of the work, and I resent him so much for this. And I think he believes his own charade. It makes him feel good I think, and if he can believe this, I think it gives him license to drink every night, because the way he sees it, he's able to do it all and drink too. But he can't see that we're the ones doing it FOR him BECAUSE he drinks.
So he's gonna raise a fuss about DD going with me... Can he accuse me of kidnapping if I take her and go stay w my mom? These are the out-there thoughts this man has driven me to have on a regular basis. I've been tking pics of his alcohol stash for a*month now and systematically sending them to my email to document the dates I took them, I've taken copies of his bank statements (his acct is solely in his nm) showing daily trips to the abc store where only one thing is sold, and I've saved the 2 month log of what he drank each day while I was pregnant. Do you think this is enough to justify me taking her out of this environment if he gets legal? His mom has alot of money and power, so he could really hurt me if this got ugly, but I feel like she may side w me bc of his history out of fear for her granddaugher's safety.
I dunno. He just grosses me out and pisses me off and makes me wanna vomit. The king baby stuff I read is SO accurate. I want out but there's so much I have to figure out. We work @ the same place, so I nd a diff job. Good, bc*
I nd to use the degree I hv instead of working in a restaurant like him w no future. Ugh. And our lease is up in 3 mo, during the "discussion" the other night that I referred to earlier, I told him I had no intention of renewing, so he'd have to figure something out. The apt and all our bills are in my name, and my credit was destroyed over the last yr w him... So it'll be interesting to see what he does. I plan on letting the lease expire and being gone by the time it does, leaving him to his own devices, I guess.
I'm just so over this life. Thx for letting me vent a little.
She stopped me when AH was out of earshot, actually apologizing to me for him! I told her that this inability to make decisions, take care of problems, and general lack of interest in being responsible for anyone or anything was an ALL THE TIME thing. She said that AH didn't have his father around when he was growing up (the man died of ALCOHOLISM when AH was 14, still married to AH's mom... She is the enabler of all enablers, IMHO), but that didn't mean that I should have to do everything for him. I had to run upstairs to keep from bawling and replying that she didn't know the half of it. She showered AH with money for my tire and then some, like she always does.
How does he NOT see what everyone else finds glaringly obvious??? He didn't drink again in the hotel last night - making night 5 of sobriety in all the 5 YEARS THAT I've KNOWN HIM!! And when I confronted him on the trip the other night, he said that I have not noticed that he's been drinking less, that he has no intention of quitting completely as he does not have a problem, and that I am basically making a big deal about nothing. When I address his inability to make any goals for his life, his slothlike behavior, etc etc, he says, "what are you TALKING about?"
So I feel like an a**hole for planning to leave w DD. But what I hate the most is how he pretends. He uses me and his mom for resources then plays house, like he's this great responsible family guy, enjoying the life without doing any of the work, and I resent him so much for this. And I think he believes his own charade. It makes him feel good I think, and if he can believe this, I think it gives him license to drink every night, because the way he sees it, he's able to do it all and drink too. But he can't see that we're the ones doing it FOR him BECAUSE he drinks.
So he's gonna raise a fuss about DD going with me... Can he accuse me of kidnapping if I take her and go stay w my mom? These are the out-there thoughts this man has driven me to have on a regular basis. I've been tking pics of his alcohol stash for a*month now and systematically sending them to my email to document the dates I took them, I've taken copies of his bank statements (his acct is solely in his nm) showing daily trips to the abc store where only one thing is sold, and I've saved the 2 month log of what he drank each day while I was pregnant. Do you think this is enough to justify me taking her out of this environment if he gets legal? His mom has alot of money and power, so he could really hurt me if this got ugly, but I feel like she may side w me bc of his history out of fear for her granddaugher's safety.
I dunno. He just grosses me out and pisses me off and makes me wanna vomit. The king baby stuff I read is SO accurate. I want out but there's so much I have to figure out. We work @ the same place, so I nd a diff job. Good, bc*
I nd to use the degree I hv instead of working in a restaurant like him w no future. Ugh. And our lease is up in 3 mo, during the "discussion" the other night that I referred to earlier, I told him I had no intention of renewing, so he'd have to figure something out. The apt and all our bills are in my name, and my credit was destroyed over the last yr w him... So it'll be interesting to see what he does. I plan on letting the lease expire and being gone by the time it does, leaving him to his own devices, I guess.
I'm just so over this life. Thx for letting me vent a little.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Good luck to you. It sounds like you are making good decisions.
Be warned, though, that his mom may NOT side with you.
I have been bitterly disappointed with my IL's and their continued support of their son. they will start to say things like "there are 2 sides to every story" and other things that should not be hurtful, but really are.
And if she is a queen enabler, then she will definitely back her baby boy. especially once he convinces her that your bitching and record-keeping drove him to drink in rebellion against your controlling ways.
Just be prepared for this possibility - it is happening to me.
I prosecute family violence cases, and I have learned the hard way that if mama is your star witness, you are in big trouble! And now I see it in my own life!
But don't let this stop you from taking care of yourself, your sweet baby, and your dog. You can do it!!!
Be warned, though, that his mom may NOT side with you.
I have been bitterly disappointed with my IL's and their continued support of their son. they will start to say things like "there are 2 sides to every story" and other things that should not be hurtful, but really are.
And if she is a queen enabler, then she will definitely back her baby boy. especially once he convinces her that your bitching and record-keeping drove him to drink in rebellion against your controlling ways.
Just be prepared for this possibility - it is happening to me.
I prosecute family violence cases, and I have learned the hard way that if mama is your star witness, you are in big trouble! And now I see it in my own life!
But don't let this stop you from taking care of yourself, your sweet baby, and your dog. You can do it!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 15
tjp - so if I'm just separated, I can have her with me. Cool. What happens once I file for divorce? How does it work then? Can I use my evidence during custody decisions? Its just... I'm dealing with a man who fell asleep with the oven on and smoked up our apt while I was pregnant, someone who fell asleep and let the baby roll off his stomach and the bed onto the floor when she was only a few days old. I don't trust him overnight w her. Not one bit.
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