Escalation!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
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Escalation!
So some thing escalated last night...
I returned home sunday night after being snowed in at a girl friend's place for 2 days after a holiday party.
AH was coming down from a several day drug and alcohol bingefest and was nutso as usual. He started in with wanting to know where my car was since I could not park in the driveway (it was under several feet of snow and his lazy a$$ didn't shovel it, so I parked up the road). He decided that some guy must have dropped me off and wanted to know who it was and where my car was. He wouldn't believe me when I finally told him it was at the corner of the street after trying to ignore him for a while. He was nuts.
In short, AH did not hit me but raised his fist several times in threatening jest within centimeters of my face, and jokingly nearly slammed a cabinet door on my head, hard.. but caught it just in time. He threw out food I was cooking after I'd spent 20 minutes preparing it, saying it was his stove and I wasn't allowed to use it. He followed me around the house, would not allow me to use the bathroom, pushed me out of the room by grabbing the back of my shirt and giving me a shove, and kept touching me on my arm/shoulder and neck and face, to freak me out. He told me he wanted me out of 'his house'. I ended up screaming my fool head off, he launched a bowl of food I was trying to eat/salvage clear across the hallway, spraying it everywhere, then I ran into another room, he followed me in there and bodyslammed our laptop onto the ground as hard as possible.. laughing like a crazy man. I ran downstairs to get out and he barred the door and wouldn't let me leave for a minute.. I ran to open the windows and scream to a neighbor who was outside, at which point he realized people were out there and told me to leave. I ran through 2 ft of snow across the street in a tshirt and jeans to the closest lit house and called the cops.
Naturally as you know they don't do anything much.. but the report was filed and they waited 2 minutes at the door with him while I packed a small bag.
My plan was already to move out in January. I was just going to move that up to tomorrow, with a crew of family and friends to storm the house and help me get my stuff out, and stay at a family member's house for a while.
But I'm thinking of filing for a protective order...
I'm not sure what to do because I was ready to file for bankruptcy and let the house foreclose--i was going to move out, take the electric out of my name and stop paying on the mortgage which is too much for one person. I was going to let him deal w/ that anyway. But I also think if I get an order to kick him out of the house, he's more likely to give up (I posted before about the car situation--his car is titled in my name and I was going to take that back now too, even though it's more of a debt than anything)... if he has no house, no car, and a restraining order against him. I think he might go back to his home country sooner than later.
On the other hand I could just proceed as planned, move out.. not file for the order of protection, and just get on with things, allowing the debts to pile up etc.. but saving my own money somewhere aside for the future.
Not sure.. so tired of thinking right now though.. I feel like my life is consumed by decisions on my next steps.
I was having a decent time at my friend's house, but boy was I tired of it by the end of two days.. I miss having my own space and my own stuff!
I returned home sunday night after being snowed in at a girl friend's place for 2 days after a holiday party.
AH was coming down from a several day drug and alcohol bingefest and was nutso as usual. He started in with wanting to know where my car was since I could not park in the driveway (it was under several feet of snow and his lazy a$$ didn't shovel it, so I parked up the road). He decided that some guy must have dropped me off and wanted to know who it was and where my car was. He wouldn't believe me when I finally told him it was at the corner of the street after trying to ignore him for a while. He was nuts.
In short, AH did not hit me but raised his fist several times in threatening jest within centimeters of my face, and jokingly nearly slammed a cabinet door on my head, hard.. but caught it just in time. He threw out food I was cooking after I'd spent 20 minutes preparing it, saying it was his stove and I wasn't allowed to use it. He followed me around the house, would not allow me to use the bathroom, pushed me out of the room by grabbing the back of my shirt and giving me a shove, and kept touching me on my arm/shoulder and neck and face, to freak me out. He told me he wanted me out of 'his house'. I ended up screaming my fool head off, he launched a bowl of food I was trying to eat/salvage clear across the hallway, spraying it everywhere, then I ran into another room, he followed me in there and bodyslammed our laptop onto the ground as hard as possible.. laughing like a crazy man. I ran downstairs to get out and he barred the door and wouldn't let me leave for a minute.. I ran to open the windows and scream to a neighbor who was outside, at which point he realized people were out there and told me to leave. I ran through 2 ft of snow across the street in a tshirt and jeans to the closest lit house and called the cops.
Naturally as you know they don't do anything much.. but the report was filed and they waited 2 minutes at the door with him while I packed a small bag.
My plan was already to move out in January. I was just going to move that up to tomorrow, with a crew of family and friends to storm the house and help me get my stuff out, and stay at a family member's house for a while.
But I'm thinking of filing for a protective order...
I'm not sure what to do because I was ready to file for bankruptcy and let the house foreclose--i was going to move out, take the electric out of my name and stop paying on the mortgage which is too much for one person. I was going to let him deal w/ that anyway. But I also think if I get an order to kick him out of the house, he's more likely to give up (I posted before about the car situation--his car is titled in my name and I was going to take that back now too, even though it's more of a debt than anything)... if he has no house, no car, and a restraining order against him. I think he might go back to his home country sooner than later.
On the other hand I could just proceed as planned, move out.. not file for the order of protection, and just get on with things, allowing the debts to pile up etc.. but saving my own money somewhere aside for the future.
Not sure.. so tired of thinking right now though.. I feel like my life is consumed by decisions on my next steps.
I was having a decent time at my friend's house, but boy was I tired of it by the end of two days.. I miss having my own space and my own stuff!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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honoryouself...holy cow, I couldn't read and not send you big virtual hugs. What a crazy ordeal!
Regarding your next step...which road would lead you back to some semblance of calm the fastest? Would it better to be free of the debt of the mortgage and the car, or would you rather take those on again but have your A be out of the house?
Regarding your next step...which road would lead you back to some semblance of calm the fastest? Would it better to be free of the debt of the mortgage and the car, or would you rather take those on again but have your A be out of the house?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Trying to figure that out right now I guess!
The house is a big responsibility.. if I had either the debt or the house I would take it.. but I'm concerned I'll never get out from under the debt with the house payment... and it could be easier to start fresh. I'm not sure.
Decisions decisions.. maybe I'll decide after my vacation
The house is a big responsibility.. if I had either the debt or the house I would take it.. but I'm concerned I'll never get out from under the debt with the house payment... and it could be easier to start fresh. I'm not sure.
Decisions decisions.. maybe I'll decide after my vacation
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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This is JMO, but I'd want to start fresh if I were you. Personally, I'd have trouble being in the house where so much drama had taken place. I'm a firm believer in the "aura" of a place becoming tinged by negativity. This is just me though. I'm one of those "clean-slaters"....as in I *love* the idea of throwing everything out and starting new. I'm doing that right now!
As for declaring bankruptcy, I've done it. It's been 4 years already, and I'm slowly rebuilding my credit. I didn't die
But yah, now that you're away from that madman, take the time to rest. It'll be easier to make a decision afterwards.
As for declaring bankruptcy, I've done it. It's been 4 years already, and I'm slowly rebuilding my credit. I didn't die
But yah, now that you're away from that madman, take the time to rest. It'll be easier to make a decision afterwards.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
It wasn't until I finished reading your post that i realized I wasn't breathing.
I"m sorry to be so brain dead, but someone posted this today and I can't remember who. I thank that person with my whole heart for her wise words though. I wrote them down.
It took me a great deal of strength to literally TEAR myself away from him; we were both hanging on in one way or another...once the painful tearing away was done and I rested, I started to feel this immense peace I didn't know I was waiting for. It was and continues to be wonderful.
Here's hoping you remember to breath. It really makes everything all better.
I"m sorry to be so brain dead, but someone posted this today and I can't remember who. I thank that person with my whole heart for her wise words though. I wrote them down.
It took me a great deal of strength to literally TEAR myself away from him; we were both hanging on in one way or another...once the painful tearing away was done and I rested, I started to feel this immense peace I didn't know I was waiting for. It was and continues to be wonderful.
Here's hoping you remember to breath. It really makes everything all better.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
haha, thanks all. I notice that when I write emails and posts that are accounts of my current drama, the writing style is 100% different from other things that I write. One other way that I have unfortunately allowed madness to seep in to my life and control parts of me!
I've been working very hard to stay calm throughout all of this. I kept thinking back to last night and wondering, when he threw my food out in the trash multiple times, how is it that i didn't pick up the bowl in my hand and throw it at his head?? How did I just calmly not react and walk out of the room.
I didn't even really want to scream, but at that point it was more for my own safety and to get him to stop threatening me, as I figured he wouldn't want the neighbors to show up. Unfortunately for me, no one showed up..... haha. I guess our two next door neighbors weren't home, just the other folks across the street etc.
But anyway, I think that maintaining some semblance of inner peace and being more prepared for the drama has helped me in many ways to avoid engaging in any worse reactions. Months ago I'd have probably thrown things and quite possibly gone nuts myself after he raised his fist to me. So HP was with me, keeping me sane for my own protection!
I wasn't sure when I got to the neighbors house who to call. First I thought, I could call my parents or my sister.. then I worried about how insanely upset they would be.. then the woman whose house I was at said she was in my shoes 12 years ago and understood what I was going through. She said it's hard and she understood and it was up to me what I wanted to do. She didn't indicate that calling the cops was necessary..
But I sat for 30 seconds and noticed the insanity of the situation and the fear he put in me and decided he doesn't get to get away with that, and he needs to know I'm not going to let him bully me for the rest of my life without putting up a fair fight. I figured the cops wouldn't be able to do much but I wanted to seal the events of the evening in a report so it couldn't be 'brushed off' like so many other ridiculous nights.
I used to be hanging on for dear life to this man.. and it still brings me some sadness and pain to look back at what we shared and old photos, but I am starting to be able to recognize the difference in old photos of times when he was at least mostly sober and we were happy and enjoying life and times when he was doing drugs regularly or drinking excessively. He's gone so far downhill, he's someone I don't recognize anymore.
I've been working very hard to stay calm throughout all of this. I kept thinking back to last night and wondering, when he threw my food out in the trash multiple times, how is it that i didn't pick up the bowl in my hand and throw it at his head?? How did I just calmly not react and walk out of the room.
I didn't even really want to scream, but at that point it was more for my own safety and to get him to stop threatening me, as I figured he wouldn't want the neighbors to show up. Unfortunately for me, no one showed up..... haha. I guess our two next door neighbors weren't home, just the other folks across the street etc.
But anyway, I think that maintaining some semblance of inner peace and being more prepared for the drama has helped me in many ways to avoid engaging in any worse reactions. Months ago I'd have probably thrown things and quite possibly gone nuts myself after he raised his fist to me. So HP was with me, keeping me sane for my own protection!
I wasn't sure when I got to the neighbors house who to call. First I thought, I could call my parents or my sister.. then I worried about how insanely upset they would be.. then the woman whose house I was at said she was in my shoes 12 years ago and understood what I was going through. She said it's hard and she understood and it was up to me what I wanted to do. She didn't indicate that calling the cops was necessary..
But I sat for 30 seconds and noticed the insanity of the situation and the fear he put in me and decided he doesn't get to get away with that, and he needs to know I'm not going to let him bully me for the rest of my life without putting up a fair fight. I figured the cops wouldn't be able to do much but I wanted to seal the events of the evening in a report so it couldn't be 'brushed off' like so many other ridiculous nights.
I used to be hanging on for dear life to this man.. and it still brings me some sadness and pain to look back at what we shared and old photos, but I am starting to be able to recognize the difference in old photos of times when he was at least mostly sober and we were happy and enjoying life and times when he was doing drugs regularly or drinking excessively. He's gone so far downhill, he's someone I don't recognize anymore.
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It's so odd because I think AH believes what happened was a game of bullying, not a serious violation of my human rights..
I think he doesn't understand the seriousness of what his actions are.. he thought it was funny to see me flinch when he nearly hit me, funny to tell me to leave, not let me leave, then demand me to leave. I wonder how you get your brain so warped that you think violence is funny and acceptable in an argument. Particularly in an argument that I wasn't even a part of. "Where's your car?" "up the street." was the extent of the content there.. haha.
I think he doesn't understand the seriousness of what his actions are.. he thought it was funny to see me flinch when he nearly hit me, funny to tell me to leave, not let me leave, then demand me to leave. I wonder how you get your brain so warped that you think violence is funny and acceptable in an argument. Particularly in an argument that I wasn't even a part of. "Where's your car?" "up the street." was the extent of the content there.. haha.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh my. That is so scary. I'm so glad you are OK.
I wish for you peace in finding the answers that will bring you safety and a sense of calmness as soon as possible!
I'm like nodaybut2day. I can't get out of my current house fast enough and get into a new one and I didn't have to put up with anything like you do.
I wish for you peace in finding the answers that will bring you safety and a sense of calmness as soon as possible!
I'm like nodaybut2day. I can't get out of my current house fast enough and get into a new one and I didn't have to put up with anything like you do.
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well one thing working for me is we've only had the house for one year. Not so many fond memories or anything going on there, and I hadn't gotten that 'have to get out' feeling.. I had been paying for it, cared for it, etc, and truely loved the house. I'd love to keep it IF I could afford it / with a roommate etc. I think it would be a lot of fun too and we have a pool and stuff for summer..
However cutting clean might bring extra bits of peace. One issue is our dog.. he will claim the dog is his but I want the dog too, I love that little guy with all my heart. He got the dog 1 week while I was gone in the states after we'd first met and literally had him for maybe a few days before I got back... so he will claim it's his dog. This was prior to us being married, we'd only just met.
No matter what happens the puppy will be sad to lose one or the other of us, but I think the dog is safer and happier with me. I'm not sure how to work that out.
However cutting clean might bring extra bits of peace. One issue is our dog.. he will claim the dog is his but I want the dog too, I love that little guy with all my heart. He got the dog 1 week while I was gone in the states after we'd first met and literally had him for maybe a few days before I got back... so he will claim it's his dog. This was prior to us being married, we'd only just met.
No matter what happens the puppy will be sad to lose one or the other of us, but I think the dog is safer and happier with me. I'm not sure how to work that out.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
You can kidnap the dog... Possession is 9/10ths you know!
There are many laws that are designed to help victims of domestic abuse (which is what you are now that you've reported it) -- you may want to contact your state attorney general's office and see if they offer any financial assistance programs since now you are being forced to "flee" because of the abuse. My state does and I assume others do as well.
What a bummer. Glad you are alright.
There are many laws that are designed to help victims of domestic abuse (which is what you are now that you've reported it) -- you may want to contact your state attorney general's office and see if they offer any financial assistance programs since now you are being forced to "flee" because of the abuse. My state does and I assume others do as well.
What a bummer. Glad you are alright.
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thanks all. my brain is SO fried from not sleeping much all week and being in a constant state of stress and decision making. I think I just ran out of adrenaline a few hours ago!
Tonight I'm going to my sister's house.. she's having a solstice party and I'm looking forward to a glass of wine and homemade cookies.
Tonight I'm going to my sister's house.. she's having a solstice party and I'm looking forward to a glass of wine and homemade cookies.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
honour yourself-
you've been through a lot
you don't have to decide about the house or the dog right now. you've been through a trauma.
if you can, go somewhere with people who love you and rest for a bit.
all those decisions can be made another time.
you've been through a lot
you don't have to decide about the house or the dog right now. you've been through a trauma.
if you can, go somewhere with people who love you and rest for a bit.
all those decisions can be made another time.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Press charges. The first time my husband's abuse started escalating, I documented the episodes but then his behaviour improved because he went back to controlled drinking and I threw away the notes. I could have kicked myself because his drinking escalated again. Not to the point of violence but this time I could see the signs and I was ready to get out before it happened again. This didn't stop me but it occured to me that I had no evidence of his alcoholism anymore. Had I kept the notes, had I called the cops when he had been violent... The reason why this was important was because we have two children and I was terrified he would have unsupervised access when we split.
There is a happy ending to this because my husband got sober and we are in recovery. But still it could have gone the other way with him going downhill.
There is a happy ending to this because my husband got sober and we are in recovery. But still it could have gone the other way with him going downhill.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Just an update...
I stayed at a family member's house sunday and monday, and am temporarily moving in there for a while (poor things, no room and me and all my stuff!).
My parents gathered an 'army' of minutemen in our family to show up in 5 cars. One of my aunts in the government contacted a lieutenant at the police department and they arranged to have two cops dispatched to our house to assist in case things went badly. AH was going to be home so we wanted to be prepared in case there was any trouble. I had all together 9 people helping me. We arrived and all blocked in the driveway.
One thing we wanted to do was get my clothes and personal items out of the house. The other thing was to retrieve the car he is driving that is titled (and the loan is in) my name, which he is driving w/o a valid license and has been for a while.
I did not have a key and the car also has an alarm. AH had taken my keys from me at some point.
The cops went to AH and asked to speak to him. After a few minutes they came out and said that AH would not hand over the keys because he "didn't know where they were" and besides it was marital property.
Luckily, I had taken the title to the dealership and had a new key cut just for this reason.
AH told the cops to tell us all that we could come back in the morning when he was not there but he did not want this to happen while he was home. Too bad. We all just went straight in. As we were packing things up AH was straight onto the phone w/ his friends. At the moment we entered he was drinking vodka and orange and smoking tons of cigarettes. The entire house was filled with smoke.. a house he never smoked in while we were together because I couldn't stand it. Literally everything I own smells terrible now.. all my clothes, all my things, everything, wreaks of it. The poor dog probably couldn't even breathe and was out of water. I felt so bad for the puppy, but I will go back for him.
My dad later spoke to the cops about the issue of the car. They informed him that they couldn't personally do anything, but literally, whomever gets in the car and drives off, they can't stop. I gave my key to an uncle and we kept packing. It became clear that AH was going to meet up with a friend. We informed the cops that if he got in the car they should ask for his license which he does not have and they would arrest him immediately.
AH arranged to meet a friend at the corner of the street and at that point he walked. Smart move.. Then we realized he could come back with his friend and his friend could drive the car. So when he got 2 blocks away, my uncle got in the car and drove it to his house. He was pretty happy about that apparently, it's quite a sporty car, even if it is trashed inside and out.
The rest of us threw all my clothes, toiletries, keepsakes, etc into box after box and carried them out to the 6 cars. I swear my belongings went to the four corners of the earth.. as everyone drove my stuff back to their own houses... haha.
In literally an hour and a half I had packed up everything apart from decorations, dishes, appliances and furniture and we were out of there.
We got back to where I'm staying with my parents and had pizza.. and a little while later I had a missed call from AH. I'm guessing he got home and much to his chagrin his car was gone. I believe he was confused about how we got it out of there, thinking he had all the keys. ha.
He texted me a little later saying that he was going to call the cops on me [today] regarding my car. He thought my car was titled in his name.. but really it's just jointly loaned in both our names... the title is in mine. This is what happens when you don't have a MD license, they don't like to title cars in your name apparently.
I did not respond..
This morning I got a text asking how he was supposed to get to work. Guess what, not my problem. Once you terrorize me, destroy expensive personal property, bar my exit from my own house, and verbally abuse me, you lose any sympathy.
I am kinda scared what he'll do next..
mostly I'm confused what I need to do next. I can press charges, I can file for an Order of protection.. but the thing is, I *REALLY* need this vacation that I"m going on for a week starting Saturday. I have to put in for the OP within 10 days of the incident... which was Sunday night. If I don't they won't rush it. However I have to be here 7 days after I file for the court hearing. If i'm not here it's dropped... etc.
If he gets a conviction in domestic violence, which would be pressing criminal charges.. then he may be deported.
I'm very torn up about all of this. As much as I don't like him and am devastated and pissed at his actions, it is very hard for me to say--I want to force you to leave this country now and I will never see you again. I have come so far since a few months ago when I was madly in love and desperately trying to make things work to being able to call teh cops on him but there's only so fast I can remove these emotions and my history with him, you know?
Man, I wish things would just SLOW DOWN for a few minutes.
I stayed at a family member's house sunday and monday, and am temporarily moving in there for a while (poor things, no room and me and all my stuff!).
My parents gathered an 'army' of minutemen in our family to show up in 5 cars. One of my aunts in the government contacted a lieutenant at the police department and they arranged to have two cops dispatched to our house to assist in case things went badly. AH was going to be home so we wanted to be prepared in case there was any trouble. I had all together 9 people helping me. We arrived and all blocked in the driveway.
One thing we wanted to do was get my clothes and personal items out of the house. The other thing was to retrieve the car he is driving that is titled (and the loan is in) my name, which he is driving w/o a valid license and has been for a while.
I did not have a key and the car also has an alarm. AH had taken my keys from me at some point.
The cops went to AH and asked to speak to him. After a few minutes they came out and said that AH would not hand over the keys because he "didn't know where they were" and besides it was marital property.
Luckily, I had taken the title to the dealership and had a new key cut just for this reason.
AH told the cops to tell us all that we could come back in the morning when he was not there but he did not want this to happen while he was home. Too bad. We all just went straight in. As we were packing things up AH was straight onto the phone w/ his friends. At the moment we entered he was drinking vodka and orange and smoking tons of cigarettes. The entire house was filled with smoke.. a house he never smoked in while we were together because I couldn't stand it. Literally everything I own smells terrible now.. all my clothes, all my things, everything, wreaks of it. The poor dog probably couldn't even breathe and was out of water. I felt so bad for the puppy, but I will go back for him.
My dad later spoke to the cops about the issue of the car. They informed him that they couldn't personally do anything, but literally, whomever gets in the car and drives off, they can't stop. I gave my key to an uncle and we kept packing. It became clear that AH was going to meet up with a friend. We informed the cops that if he got in the car they should ask for his license which he does not have and they would arrest him immediately.
AH arranged to meet a friend at the corner of the street and at that point he walked. Smart move.. Then we realized he could come back with his friend and his friend could drive the car. So when he got 2 blocks away, my uncle got in the car and drove it to his house. He was pretty happy about that apparently, it's quite a sporty car, even if it is trashed inside and out.
The rest of us threw all my clothes, toiletries, keepsakes, etc into box after box and carried them out to the 6 cars. I swear my belongings went to the four corners of the earth.. as everyone drove my stuff back to their own houses... haha.
In literally an hour and a half I had packed up everything apart from decorations, dishes, appliances and furniture and we were out of there.
We got back to where I'm staying with my parents and had pizza.. and a little while later I had a missed call from AH. I'm guessing he got home and much to his chagrin his car was gone. I believe he was confused about how we got it out of there, thinking he had all the keys. ha.
He texted me a little later saying that he was going to call the cops on me [today] regarding my car. He thought my car was titled in his name.. but really it's just jointly loaned in both our names... the title is in mine. This is what happens when you don't have a MD license, they don't like to title cars in your name apparently.
I did not respond..
This morning I got a text asking how he was supposed to get to work. Guess what, not my problem. Once you terrorize me, destroy expensive personal property, bar my exit from my own house, and verbally abuse me, you lose any sympathy.
I am kinda scared what he'll do next..
mostly I'm confused what I need to do next. I can press charges, I can file for an Order of protection.. but the thing is, I *REALLY* need this vacation that I"m going on for a week starting Saturday. I have to put in for the OP within 10 days of the incident... which was Sunday night. If I don't they won't rush it. However I have to be here 7 days after I file for the court hearing. If i'm not here it's dropped... etc.
If he gets a conviction in domestic violence, which would be pressing criminal charges.. then he may be deported.
I'm very torn up about all of this. As much as I don't like him and am devastated and pissed at his actions, it is very hard for me to say--I want to force you to leave this country now and I will never see you again. I have come so far since a few months ago when I was madly in love and desperately trying to make things work to being able to call teh cops on him but there's only so fast I can remove these emotions and my history with him, you know?
Man, I wish things would just SLOW DOWN for a few minutes.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Breathe! Take one small step at a time.
If he gets deported, then he gets deported as a result of HIS actions, not yours. He should face the consequences of his own actions. Don't take the responsibility for his consequences onto your shoulders! If he thinks he can get away with abuse, then he will do it again.
Have you talked to a lawyer about the OP and your holiday? What was their advice?
I'm very fond of writing lists - when it seems like I just have too much to do and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed, I write a list of everything I think I need to do. Then I prioritise and break it down into small chunks. I find that some things I think I really need to do right there and then, once I sort my list out, turn out to be not so urgent! Or I could even ask someone else to help me and do it for me! You sound like you have a very caring and supportive network you can call on - don't be afraid to use them in your time of need!
If he gets deported, then he gets deported as a result of HIS actions, not yours. He should face the consequences of his own actions. Don't take the responsibility for his consequences onto your shoulders! If he thinks he can get away with abuse, then he will do it again.
Have you talked to a lawyer about the OP and your holiday? What was their advice?
I'm very fond of writing lists - when it seems like I just have too much to do and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed, I write a list of everything I think I need to do. Then I prioritise and break it down into small chunks. I find that some things I think I really need to do right there and then, once I sort my list out, turn out to be not so urgent! Or I could even ask someone else to help me and do it for me! You sound like you have a very caring and supportive network you can call on - don't be afraid to use them in your time of need!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Ditto
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
Breathe! Take one small step at a time.
If he gets deported, then he gets deported as a result of HIS actions, not yours. He should face the consequences of his own actions. Don't take the responsibility for his consequences onto your shoulders! If he thinks he can get away with abuse, then he will do it again.
Have you talked to a lawyer about the OP and your holiday? What was their advice?
I'm very fond of writing lists - when it seems like I just have too much to do and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed, I write a list of everything I think I need to do. Then I prioritise and break it down into small chunks. I find that some things I think I really need to do right there and then, once I sort my list out, turn out to be not so urgent! Or I could even ask someone else to help me and do it for me! You sound like you have a very caring and supportive network you can call on - don't be afraid to use them in your time of need!
If he gets deported, then he gets deported as a result of HIS actions, not yours. He should face the consequences of his own actions. Don't take the responsibility for his consequences onto your shoulders! If he thinks he can get away with abuse, then he will do it again.
Have you talked to a lawyer about the OP and your holiday? What was their advice?
I'm very fond of writing lists - when it seems like I just have too much to do and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed, I write a list of everything I think I need to do. Then I prioritise and break it down into small chunks. I find that some things I think I really need to do right there and then, once I sort my list out, turn out to be not so urgent! Or I could even ask someone else to help me and do it for me! You sound like you have a very caring and supportive network you can call on - don't be afraid to use them in your time of need!
i ditto what bookwyrm said. you have been strong and proactive, keep it up, momentum is on your side. no quacking allowed from him
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
honoryourself...I think we must live somewhat parallel lives. I did what you just did about 2 months ago, with a small army of family and friends to help me move out in exactly 90 minutes, from start to finish. The only noticeable difference is that my XAH knew I was leaving and *bravely* ran off to stay with friends while leaving his 12 year old son there to witness the whole event.
I'm so glad you got out.
Regarding the OP, yeah, ask your lawyer what to do. Although a vacation would be nice, if I were you, I'd jump at the chance at getting someone like your A deported...it might solve some of your problems later on. This is JMO though.
*hugs* to you.
I'm so glad you got out.
Regarding the OP, yeah, ask your lawyer what to do. Although a vacation would be nice, if I were you, I'd jump at the chance at getting someone like your A deported...it might solve some of your problems later on. This is JMO though.
*hugs* to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
I suppose with the OP I'm in a bit of a catch 22.. I want to have the peace of mind I need in order to make these big decisions and in the midst of all of this it's very difficult to do.. however if I do what I need to to find peace and rest to decide then I may miss an opportunity.
The lawyer said I could always go back to the house after I return and if he does anything at all again, I could file a report then, and indicate that I feel I'm in danger based upon his previous actions, etc. I don't think I want to go back in there alone ever again though.. that would be dumb.
So I'm going to call the DV coordinator who contacted me before and ask for her advice. I didn't have time to speak to her much because I was in the process of getting the keys cut at the dealership and had 10 people waiting for my signal to storm the house.
Maybe she'll have more info for me.
I hope to give her a call today.
The lawyer said I could always go back to the house after I return and if he does anything at all again, I could file a report then, and indicate that I feel I'm in danger based upon his previous actions, etc. I don't think I want to go back in there alone ever again though.. that would be dumb.
So I'm going to call the DV coordinator who contacted me before and ask for her advice. I didn't have time to speak to her much because I was in the process of getting the keys cut at the dealership and had 10 people waiting for my signal to storm the house.
Maybe she'll have more info for me.
I hope to give her a call today.
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