How to cope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1
How to cope
When I moved in with my boyfriend 16 months ago..I knew he was in recovery. i am finding out know this is not true. He relapsed and has been hiding and lying and cheating. How do you live ith simeone and not see it. I saw some in his eyes once in a while. But I had no idea the extent of the use. He has been cheating for 12 of the 16 months. He went back to rehab last week and is getting back on track and tells me he was with her to get his drugs. If it was anything else and if he wasn't in love with me he would asked me to marry him. Is this possible...for a whole year. I feel so empty. I've decided not to leave..he is the love of my life and I want more than anything to be able to put the pieces back together....I just don't know how...the pain is unbearable..how long before my new reality doesn't make my heart sink to my gut? How do you get past a life of lies. I really don't even know half of what was goin on right under my nose...all the drugs..how is that possible...my god it hurts so bad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.
I know and understand that you want to stay with this man. No matter what the truth us right in front of us, sometimes our heart just refuses to see it.
But this man has completely violated your trust. So I would ask you to seriously think about what a future would be like with someone who you are constantly questionning. If he doesn't call when he says, is he cheating? Drinking? Where is he?
Sleepless nights, anxiety worse than what you feel now....
When you don't have trust, a relationship is impossible. You are worth so much more than what he has given you. You deserve someone you feel secure with.
Really look at this man for who he is, not who you want him to be.
I do that everyday to remind myself what I will and will not tolerate. Be really good to yourself, you're not alone.
I know and understand that you want to stay with this man. No matter what the truth us right in front of us, sometimes our heart just refuses to see it.
But this man has completely violated your trust. So I would ask you to seriously think about what a future would be like with someone who you are constantly questionning. If he doesn't call when he says, is he cheating? Drinking? Where is he?
Sleepless nights, anxiety worse than what you feel now....
When you don't have trust, a relationship is impossible. You are worth so much more than what he has given you. You deserve someone you feel secure with.
Really look at this man for who he is, not who you want him to be.
I do that everyday to remind myself what I will and will not tolerate. Be really good to yourself, you're not alone.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Lisa ((hugs))
I was with a boyfriend for 10 months more or less... then I moved to another city and with him and realized he was an abusive drunk... I left him but still live in the same city and work with him (ugh..).
It is almost a year later and I feel grateful I left. There were also cheating rumors, he had someone else like 2 weeks later or so, it hurt like hell. Then I joined SR and realized my situation was not unique and that I was not alone. I learned about alcoholism and its many many faces. I learned someting in me =low self worth and abandonment ingraned in my subconscious= that attracted someone like him.
Have you taken a STD test? I hope you do just in case.
I hope you can go to al anon and/or a counselor, and keep reading SR...
I was with a boyfriend for 10 months more or less... then I moved to another city and with him and realized he was an abusive drunk... I left him but still live in the same city and work with him (ugh..).
It is almost a year later and I feel grateful I left. There were also cheating rumors, he had someone else like 2 weeks later or so, it hurt like hell. Then I joined SR and realized my situation was not unique and that I was not alone. I learned about alcoholism and its many many faces. I learned someting in me =low self worth and abandonment ingraned in my subconscious= that attracted someone like him.
Have you taken a STD test? I hope you do just in case.
I hope you can go to al anon and/or a counselor, and keep reading SR...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Lisa, I'm sorry about the pain you're in, but I have tried to leave this thread without saying what I'm seeing written inside your post, and I'm sorry, but it won't let me alone until I say something.
Please consider the probability that you're in love with the IDEA of some imaginary man - even overlaying that idea on someone who PRETENDED to be someone just so you'd take care of him.
Lisa-
if you read that, written here,by someone else -
would YOU let them keep going without at least trying to reason with them?
If your best friend were about to make a decision like this,
this radical
and this .... illusory ...
... would you let her?
I can't either, hon.
The pieces you're talking about putting back together -
never existed in the first place, Lis.
The man was portraying a 'character'.
An actor.
You deserve
a real person.
And GOOD person, not some broken actor who is probably just looking for a bill payer and a steady roof. OF COURSE he loves that and doesn't want to lose it. And he knows how badly you want to believe this is 'it'...
and he's USING that.
Please take time and get some distance between your pain and what you are about to do, Lisa. Please.
This kind of act, just to avoid pain ... is not rational.
I'm sorry to upset you, it's not my intent.
Please just consider talking to someone in 3-d about this.
Find a group
get to a meeting
there's got to be something close to you.
Okay.
Sorry I had to be the one to say it.
Please consider the probability that you're in love with the IDEA of some imaginary man - even overlaying that idea on someone who PRETENDED to be someone just so you'd take care of him.
Lisa-
if you read that, written here,by someone else -
would YOU let them keep going without at least trying to reason with them?
If your best friend were about to make a decision like this,
this radical
and this .... illusory ...
... would you let her?
I can't either, hon.
The pieces you're talking about putting back together -
never existed in the first place, Lis.
The man was portraying a 'character'.
An actor.
You deserve
a real person.
And GOOD person, not some broken actor who is probably just looking for a bill payer and a steady roof. OF COURSE he loves that and doesn't want to lose it. And he knows how badly you want to believe this is 'it'...
and he's USING that.
Please take time and get some distance between your pain and what you are about to do, Lisa. Please.
This kind of act, just to avoid pain ... is not rational.
I'm sorry to upset you, it's not my intent.
Please just consider talking to someone in 3-d about this.
Find a group
get to a meeting
there's got to be something close to you.
Okay.
Sorry I had to be the one to say it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
I don't know your BF so I can't make any comments about him or his intent.
So all I have to share is my experience. I have learned to slow down. Take my time. Nothing needs to be rushed. Easy does it, as we say in Al Anon. I found great relief when I realized I didn't have to make any big decisions on anyone's schedule but my own. Besides, trust can only be rebuilt over time, when actions match words. If you are thinking of forever, what difference does a year make?
So all I have to share is my experience. I have learned to slow down. Take my time. Nothing needs to be rushed. Easy does it, as we say in Al Anon. I found great relief when I realized I didn't have to make any big decisions on anyone's schedule but my own. Besides, trust can only be rebuilt over time, when actions match words. If you are thinking of forever, what difference does a year make?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Lisam4501!
Welcome!
Here's a link from the "stickies" at the top section of the first page of this forum. You might want to read around there especially the "CLassic Reading" stickie. Lots of good info there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
glad you're here - stick around and keep posting!
peace-
b
Welcome!
Here's a link from the "stickies" at the top section of the first page of this forum. You might want to read around there especially the "CLassic Reading" stickie. Lots of good info there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
glad you're here - stick around and keep posting!
peace-
b
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