JACKRUSSELLGIRL

What are some of the things that you have learned and put into practice since joining or lerking around the SR site??

Kittyboo

I have learned that even if my A had wanted to stay with me, that the fantasy life I created in my head would never have been the reality.

I have learned that no matter how much I cared about him and loved him, that no amount of love from anyone would make him want to change. He would have to change for himself.

Even last night, I went out for the first time in a long time, enjoyed the company of others. But towards the end still began to feel sad and lonely. Picturing myself with my former, wishing so much that he had chosen to be with me....visualizing him standing there enjoying life with someone else. Literally, bringing myself down, even while around the company of some fantastic people, feeling the emotion that comes with the void of him being gone.
Then I came home, logged onto SR....and was snapped back into reality. OH YEAH!!

SR keeps me grounded, because I still need that reminder that he was never ever the man he pretended to be, and would never be able to give me what I truly want in a SO. SR reminds me that the reality of a person is not the same person I imagine in my tiny little noggin.

And SR reminds me that there are absolutely amazing women out there who deserve so much in their lives, and if I can wish for them to have a better life, then I can wish that for myself too....and make it happen.

LucyA

I learned that no matter what I did, I couldn't save him and it wasn't my fault.
I learned that sometimes the right thing isn't the easy thing.
I learned that we all have choices, but it's what we do with our choices that matters.
I learned that unfortunately there really is always someone worse off than me.
I learned that I have some amazing inner strength that I never would have found if I hadn't found this site and read other peoples experiences. And probably many other things, but they're the ones that jump out first.

pray4joy

But I learned I can sit here and be with all of you while he is sitting across from me on the sofa and I know I'm having a better time than he is. In the last 2 days, I have not gotten agitated, I was able to read great posts and material and think about what I need to do to remove myself from this relationship. I know he is drinking because he "stinks" and his eyes are puffed...amazing he can drink and I can be peaceful in the meantime...I never understood what they meant by that in meetings before! Nothing has changed with him, but I have changed what I'm doing...now I'm not kidding myself into thinking this will work long term staying in the same house because of MANY reasons which I won't waste space on at this time. I am humbled and amazed.
I am truly grateful for this temporary peace...so that I may strengthen myself. D

BuffaloGal

It's not just me. My situation wasn't unique. It isn't too much to ask to have a partner who deals with problems in ways that don't involve chemically making them go away. My standards weren't too high. I haven't changed anything about my life-- my aexh and I were already divorced-- but I don't feel so horrible about it.

transformyself

yeah I'm with Buffalogal. I learnt how predictable and scripted alcoholism is. Other A's say the same damn things to their wives!

I've learned that as long as I"m attached to him, I will be: confused, angry, in pain and alternetly wondering what is wrong with me, what is wrong with him, or both.

I"ve learned that detachment is the only way to sanity. For me. That the pain and suffering I endure will not magically go away ever. I need to detach. That is the only thing that makes me feel better.

Frogdude

I have only been around here for a couple of weeks but what I have learned is:
1) I am not alone, in my feelings or my situation
2) My situation is not as bad as it could be as others have it much worse
3) Number 2 is no conciliation to me.

FindingPeace1

I have learned I was *choosing* to be blind to my husband's addictions and dark side. Or said another way, I have a strong fantasy life.
I have learned I am complicit in our lack of communication.
I have learned I am codependent and need to work on detaching.
I have learned I am very judgmental and need to work on loving and accepting when detaching.
I have learned I have overlooked my own needs and I deserve minimum standards for a relationship.
I have learned my misery exists in my mind - my thoughts - and I can choose to release the misery.
I have learned my feelings or thoughts are not bad. I can have them, let them pass through, and not hold on to them - then they can't hurt me.
I have learned, if I stick to my guns about what I deserve, my husband is not fun to be around.
I have learned I didn't cause it, can't control it, nor cure it.
I have learned my situation is not unique.
I have learned there are many people who have been where I am and can teach me.
I have learned I have a basic (insane) beef with reality, and also that I can't change reality, no matter how hard I try or wish. (that's a BIG one!)
I have learned there is this wonderful online forum, filled with people like me, that GET me, and give me tough, but unconditional love.
Thanks.