rdy4change

So I knew I wouldn't have to wait until next week to get my answer. He called yesterday, said he did some soul searching on the way up to the cabin and I can serve him papers on Monday...he's not going to treatment. No surprise.

I did call him after about 2 hours and left a message telling him before he makes his decision I did find him a treatment facility about 20 minutes from our house (his big issue was being close to home and it doesn't get any better than that), is new, houses 6 people and visitation 2x per week. They're holding a bed for him and are ready on Monday.

He called back later and asked if I was going to pull any more 'antics', like have his family and friends come to the cabin and try to talk to him, etc. I said no...I'm too tired and he's made it clear he doesn't want our help. I told him that I've done all I can...if he doesn't want it then I'm done. Blah blah. I reiterated about the rehab place. He complained about how much stuff he has to do...how busy he is...how he has to get his business back up and running. I said I only care about you, not the other stuff and when your business gets back up and running you'll say you're too busy then too. So, that's it. He said he doesn't want to hear from anyone else about how he needs help...he said he's going to start carrying a gun. Then, he tells me that he's going to load his stuff from the cabin and take off somewhere where I can't find him. I asked 'if you won't get help, why would you fight me in a divorce? why wouldn't you just accept the papers so we can move on?' He replied that he wants to make it as difficult for me as I've been on him. Whatever, I asked how I've made his life so difficult and there was a discussion around that. I'll spare you the details.

Now, if you read my previous post, you may remember that the dr. prescribed him Ativan for the weekend. Well, I marked the Vodka bottle the other night and checked it when I got home. Yep...he's drinking while taking it. He sounds out of it. I've decided that I will not call him the rest of the weekend...if he calls to talk to DD, fine.

I'm still sticking to my guns...but what he doesn't understand is that I don't have to deliver papers to get away from him. I can still move out. I'm not stupid, eventually he'll come back. After all, he has a business to run...that's what he keeps saying.

I'm going to start packing some stuff this weekend and getting them out of the house. Smaller things that he wouldn't really notice are gone.

I know this was long so thanks for hanging in. I think the only thing I'm concerned about is if he comes home and still takes the Ativan with liquor. The mood he's in scares me. He's never been violent before but I'm not looking for there to be a first time either. Anyone been in this situation?

kv816

I say leave the information for the rehab clinic somewhere and get out of dodge. What he chooses to do with the information is up to him. You cannot do anything more. You lead the horse to the fresh water hole....it's up to him to take a drink (bad analogy under the circumstances but hopefully you get the point)!!

NewMe11109

There is nothing you can do to make an alcoholic stop drinking. You know that they have to do it themselves.

You have done all you can. I am sorry. Move on with your life. Protect yourself. I don't like his comment about a gun, so be careful.

FindingPeace1

Good for you for moving forward.

Now move your tush. Get out and have a back up plan IF he were to get violent. Can you be ready just in case and know what to do?
I'd get the irreplaceables. There is a great stickie somewhere about how to get out/divorce.

Keep us updated! HUGS TO YOU! You can do this, courageous leader that you are!

LaTeeDa

As hard as it may be to believe right now, maybe this is a blessing. What if he would have agreed to treatment, went there at your behest, and not really wanted it. You could conceivably have rode the rollercoaster for several more years because he still doesn't want to get sober. I look at it as a positive that he didn't drag you along on his destructive journey for longer. Only saying this cause I have experienced it.

Onward and upward. Your new life begins now.

L

RollTide

Yes, LaTeeDa, you said it better than I could:

"What if he would have agreed to treatment, went there at your behest, and not really wanted it. You could conceivably have rode the rollercoaster for several more years because he still doesn't want to get sober."

I did this and am now doing what I should have done way back when.

pray4joy

I regret having insisted on my AH going for treatment his 6 times in 8 years...it has only delayed the inevitable...now here I am unemployed, almost 58 and terrified of not being able to take care of myself...I thank HP for unemployment which is about to run out. The AH is unemployable, beligerent, abusive and smells really bad. I thank HP for this site and all you wonderful folks who help me know I am not alone (although I feel very alone, vulnerable, overwhelmed, and paralyzed to move forward) I always wanted to believe that love, understanding and support would help him to heal...now bankrupt and emotionally spent I fear for myself. Sorry so glum.

pray4joy

I am so scared and I really need help.

rdy4change

Thanks everyone...yes, I'm ready to pick up and leave if I need to. All weekend he's been pushing his family away and telling them to leave him alone. I'm going to start packing some things today since he isn't home.

He did text me last night an apologized for things getting so F'd up. He said it would make sense if we both stayed in the house as long as possible instead of paying rent when we can have the house for free (we had to stop making payment). He said my plan just doesn't work for him right now. I texted back saying that I can't live in the same house and watch him self distruct. He said OK. I haven't talked to him since.

LaTeeDa...I agree with you completely. I found it ironic that on the same day I had an appt. with my attorney, he went to the ER. I had been looking for a time to give him the ultimatum and I saw that as a sign. Then, I was grateful for his message on Friday saying he wasn't going to go. I knew he wouldn't but it helped me not wonder all weekend.

My mom spent the night last night and I went out to dinner and a movie with my boss (and obviously close friend). I'm fortunate for those around me.

Surprisingly I'm OK...I feel good...I feel closure is on the way.

tjp613

pray4joy - I sent you a pvt message