Dad has been given a week...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 8
Dad has been given a week...
My dad is a musician and has always been a heavy drinker, he can't perform unless he's reasonably drunk. He told me that he started drinking as an alternative to heroin.
Over the past 5 years his drinking has descended into what they call "end stage alcoholism". He once announced with pride that he had a litre of vodka for breakfast. He has been in and out of rehab with some short lived success, and over the last year has been in and out of hospital.
I first realised how serious it was about three years ago, when he told me he'd been given 6 months to live. He was always prone to being dramatic and I didn't really believe it until I saw him and he was bright yellow. He could barely move, barely string a sentence together and was the most deathly ill person I had ever seen.
His wonderful, long-suffering partner left him about 6 months ago, she was having to clean up after him everywhere. He was supposed to be in rehab workshops during the day, but he was regularly starting the morning at the pub and then ending up either having passed out or soiled himself in various places around the city. Once she left I knew it would be downhill, he doesn't have the motor skills to play music any more and that was his life. Without her I think he accepted the bottle as his future.
He has claimed to be doing well for a few months but I know he has been drinking. He hides it in bushes and claims he is going for "health walks", but I've never seen anyone get so excited about a walk and so determined that they should go alone. Sometimes if he gets tired of lying he even admits it, but then later retracts it and claims he's just winding people up.
A few days ago he drank the equivalent of six bottles of wine, passed out and was admitted to hospital. He discharged himself but has been seen by his D&A counsellor. The counsellor has got him back into hospital but says he has liver failure, heart failure, brain damage, septicemia from a gash on his arm and malnutrition. Apparently he only has a week to live.
I realise that he probably won't live out the year but it's such a shock to think it's only a week. My family & I are thinking that perhaps the counsellor just said that to scare dad into action, but the reality is, he is dying at the tender age of 54. He was an incredibly popular, funny, talented man, and people from far and wide have visited and tried to help, even putting on a huge charity concert to raise money, but has driven everyone but his closest family away from him. I am an only child and am so scared to see my dad dying a painful, lonely death.
Morbid as it sounds, I am a practical person and want to understand what the process is, what I can expect and when, but I can't find much on the internet. All I can find are symptoms, which I know are there, and then the ubiquitous "don't give up hope, it is possible to recover", but at this late stage I don't really think he can.
I also feel so guilty because in a way I wish it would hurry up, I have given up hope and now I want finality so I can grieve. He is not really my dad any more any way.
I guess there's not a lot anyone can really contribute, but I just wanted to put it out there.
Cheers
Over the past 5 years his drinking has descended into what they call "end stage alcoholism". He once announced with pride that he had a litre of vodka for breakfast. He has been in and out of rehab with some short lived success, and over the last year has been in and out of hospital.
I first realised how serious it was about three years ago, when he told me he'd been given 6 months to live. He was always prone to being dramatic and I didn't really believe it until I saw him and he was bright yellow. He could barely move, barely string a sentence together and was the most deathly ill person I had ever seen.
His wonderful, long-suffering partner left him about 6 months ago, she was having to clean up after him everywhere. He was supposed to be in rehab workshops during the day, but he was regularly starting the morning at the pub and then ending up either having passed out or soiled himself in various places around the city. Once she left I knew it would be downhill, he doesn't have the motor skills to play music any more and that was his life. Without her I think he accepted the bottle as his future.
He has claimed to be doing well for a few months but I know he has been drinking. He hides it in bushes and claims he is going for "health walks", but I've never seen anyone get so excited about a walk and so determined that they should go alone. Sometimes if he gets tired of lying he even admits it, but then later retracts it and claims he's just winding people up.
A few days ago he drank the equivalent of six bottles of wine, passed out and was admitted to hospital. He discharged himself but has been seen by his D&A counsellor. The counsellor has got him back into hospital but says he has liver failure, heart failure, brain damage, septicemia from a gash on his arm and malnutrition. Apparently he only has a week to live.
I realise that he probably won't live out the year but it's such a shock to think it's only a week. My family & I are thinking that perhaps the counsellor just said that to scare dad into action, but the reality is, he is dying at the tender age of 54. He was an incredibly popular, funny, talented man, and people from far and wide have visited and tried to help, even putting on a huge charity concert to raise money, but has driven everyone but his closest family away from him. I am an only child and am so scared to see my dad dying a painful, lonely death.
Morbid as it sounds, I am a practical person and want to understand what the process is, what I can expect and when, but I can't find much on the internet. All I can find are symptoms, which I know are there, and then the ubiquitous "don't give up hope, it is possible to recover", but at this late stage I don't really think he can.
I also feel so guilty because in a way I wish it would hurry up, I have given up hope and now I want finality so I can grieve. He is not really my dad any more any way.
I guess there's not a lot anyone can really contribute, but I just wanted to put it out there.
Cheers
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: norwich, uk
Posts: 80
Hey picky
My heart goes out to you and yours. I have lost my Dad, not to Alcohol or Drugs, but I did have to watch him die. It's not a nice thing to do. In some ways it would be better if you weren't there, because it stays with you forever. But you will be glad you were there because he was not alone. I don't know whether every one goes through the same things when they die. I just know that my dad coughed a lot of yuck stuff up and couldn't communicate and had to be suctioned and the breathing was awful, but the last breath was a release.
I could go in to graphic detail but that would upset too many people.
Hugs to you
My heart goes out to you and yours. I have lost my Dad, not to Alcohol or Drugs, but I did have to watch him die. It's not a nice thing to do. In some ways it would be better if you weren't there, because it stays with you forever. But you will be glad you were there because he was not alone. I don't know whether every one goes through the same things when they die. I just know that my dad coughed a lot of yuck stuff up and couldn't communicate and had to be suctioned and the breathing was awful, but the last breath was a release.
I could go in to graphic detail but that would upset too many people.
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
If I could go back, to a week before my brother died, now I'd tell him everything that I didn't tell him because it was never the right time.
Not the stop drink you're killing yourself stuff, but the I love you things that we don't always say to family.
I never said them because it was 'never the right time/place/situation'
Now it never will be.
I'm sorry I can't offer more than that, but that truly is my only regret, my brother is at peace and free from his illness, but there are things I never told him and I wish I had.
Not the stop drink you're killing yourself stuff, but the I love you things that we don't always say to family.
I never said them because it was 'never the right time/place/situation'
Now it never will be.
I'm sorry I can't offer more than that, but that truly is my only regret, my brother is at peace and free from his illness, but there are things I never told him and I wish I had.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome Picky,
I'm sorry about your father. Since your father has signs of brain damage, you may have to make some medical decisions concerning his care. Ask for guidance and information when you need it. Is there a grief counselor available? They may be able to assist you and answer some of your questions.
(((hugs)))
I'm sorry about your father. Since your father has signs of brain damage, you may have to make some medical decisions concerning his care. Ask for guidance and information when you need it. Is there a grief counselor available? They may be able to assist you and answer some of your questions.
(((hugs)))
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Lucy brings up a great point. I never made peace with my A father before he died, I was however able to make peace with my A ex wife before she passed away and for that I'm glad. Good luck to you and best wishes for your health and future happiness.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so sorry for your pain, Picky. I don't have any personal experience being around someone in end stage alcoholism.
My father lost both of his parents to alcohol-related deaths while he was in high school, only a year apart.
His mother's cause of death was listed as a heart attack, but she also had advanced cirrhosis of the liver. She was only 42.
I will be keeping you and your dad in my prayers. :ghug2
My father lost both of his parents to alcohol-related deaths while he was in high school, only a year apart.
His mother's cause of death was listed as a heart attack, but she also had advanced cirrhosis of the liver. She was only 42.
I will be keeping you and your dad in my prayers. :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Oh Picky-- how sad.
I was with my father when he died of cancer at 65. It's pretty intense but I'm glad I was there and I got to say loving words to him - at the end he was non-responsive - but they say hearing is the last sense to go.
Since he is in hospital maybe speak to the nurses about what to expect, they've usually seen it all, and make sure they understand your wishes if you want to be called day or night when they think it's time.
My dad died at home with hospice and this poem that was part of a book on the dying process was a real comfort and has helped me many times since...
GONE FROM MY SIGHT
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
Henry Van Dyke
peace- b.
I was with my father when he died of cancer at 65. It's pretty intense but I'm glad I was there and I got to say loving words to him - at the end he was non-responsive - but they say hearing is the last sense to go.
Since he is in hospital maybe speak to the nurses about what to expect, they've usually seen it all, and make sure they understand your wishes if you want to be called day or night when they think it's time.
My dad died at home with hospice and this poem that was part of a book on the dying process was a real comfort and has helped me many times since...
GONE FROM MY SIGHT
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
Henry Van Dyke
peace- b.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello picky and welcome to sr.i am sorry for your situation and you will be in my prayers.my father died from alcoholism related complications at the age of 56,and it was sudden,we thought he had a couple more years left in him.make your peace with your dad,tell him you love him,and if you can tell him you forgive him.prayers coming your way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am sorry.I am so sorry. I hope you have friends around you.
I had a step brother who was in this stage of alcoholism, he had half of his liver removed, and he was told NEVER to touch another drop. He left the hospital, and within 2 days died from drinking 4 shots of vodka.
It should have been ruled a suicide.
When you see people like your dad,and my step brother, who are fully unable to stop at any stage no matter what they face, all you can ask is how some people still do not think this is a disease.
I hope that you can know in your heart that your fathers choices are no reflection of you. Know that he has loved you and loves you in the best way that is available to him.
I am sorry that this is where things are for you. I will be thinking of you.
I had a step brother who was in this stage of alcoholism, he had half of his liver removed, and he was told NEVER to touch another drop. He left the hospital, and within 2 days died from drinking 4 shots of vodka.
It should have been ruled a suicide.
When you see people like your dad,and my step brother, who are fully unable to stop at any stage no matter what they face, all you can ask is how some people still do not think this is a disease.
I hope that you can know in your heart that your fathers choices are no reflection of you. Know that he has loved you and loves you in the best way that is available to him.
I am sorry that this is where things are for you. I will be thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Picky)))
I was a nurse for 12 years, and if you want to pm me, I can tell you what I experienced with someone dying from various organs shutting down, but your dad's nurses can also give you this information.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I, too, am an only child, and though neither of my parents have issues with any substances, my mom died at the age of 50 from heart disease and she was my best friend.
I will tell you this, and it's only my belief....I truly believe that hearing is the last sense to go. By all means, if you want to make peace with your dad, tell him what you want to say...I believe he will hear you. My stepsister died at the age of 18 from a car wreck. She was clinically brain dead, but her heart rate sped up when certain people would talk to her - medically and scientifically, it was impossible for her to know anyone was talking to her.....but it happened.
I think you have to have a certain number of posts to pm me. If you want me to pm you, just post it here...I will be checking back on this thread.
Huge hugs and prayers to you, sweetie!
Amy
I was a nurse for 12 years, and if you want to pm me, I can tell you what I experienced with someone dying from various organs shutting down, but your dad's nurses can also give you this information.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I, too, am an only child, and though neither of my parents have issues with any substances, my mom died at the age of 50 from heart disease and she was my best friend.
I will tell you this, and it's only my belief....I truly believe that hearing is the last sense to go. By all means, if you want to make peace with your dad, tell him what you want to say...I believe he will hear you. My stepsister died at the age of 18 from a car wreck. She was clinically brain dead, but her heart rate sped up when certain people would talk to her - medically and scientifically, it was impossible for her to know anyone was talking to her.....but it happened.
I think you have to have a certain number of posts to pm me. If you want me to pm you, just post it here...I will be checking back on this thread.
Huge hugs and prayers to you, sweetie!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: az
Posts: 3
Just wanted to say I am sorry for what you have been through, I am pregnant with an alcoholics child and I hope he/she never has to go through this. your post really touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes.
I am just posting though because I am a nurse and we are taught the last sense to go is hearing so try to find peace and comfort in talking to your dad, he will hear it and it will give him peace and comfort in return. God bless.
I am just posting though because I am a nurse and we are taught the last sense to go is hearing so try to find peace and comfort in talking to your dad, he will hear it and it will give him peace and comfort in return. God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 8
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all your wonderful comments and support. Thought you might be interested in the following e-mail I got from my aunt:
"I have rung the hospital but they can’t say anything because they know nothing! A Doctor is never available and nursing staff just can’t help…..anyway, from what I gather he is very sick, he is in liver failure and has chronic heart problems as well hence shortness of breath and it was critical he get into hospital to treat his infection and he thought he probably had toxaemia/septicaemia…basically *** tried to scare him by telling him he only had a week but he is a sick puppy, it won’t be a week but if he continues drinking it won’t be far away. He is terminally ill but there is no time frame other than his organs are failing and all they are doing is palliative care – but *** won’t give up on him, he is a straight shooter and takes no crap but still cares enough to keep trying."
So it's not a week, but it's a matter of time. It is nice to know dad has finally found a good Drug & Alcohol Counsellor.
For you guys who are having/thinking of having babies with an alcoholic, I don't know how to advise you. Dad's alcohol abuse has not always been evident, it was just a natural part of his working environment. I have noticed though that alcoholics often seem to have a type of personality which makes them cunning, difficult and unreliable, and that has definitely been hard over the years. I could never wish for another father, but if and when I ever get married it will not be to someone prone to that kind of behaviour (I hope).
I think partners of alcoholics need to realise when it is time to let go. I know that for my stepmother it was probably the hardest thing she ever did, she was so adamant that he could be saved and she felt like she was the one to do it, but there comes a certain point where you have to look after yourself and leave them to their own devices. It is easier to do that I suppose if you don't have a child with them.
I was thinking of maybe keeping a blog on here, because it's going to get harder and the support is great, but also to show others what happens. Not sure though.
Thanks again
"I have rung the hospital but they can’t say anything because they know nothing! A Doctor is never available and nursing staff just can’t help…..anyway, from what I gather he is very sick, he is in liver failure and has chronic heart problems as well hence shortness of breath and it was critical he get into hospital to treat his infection and he thought he probably had toxaemia/septicaemia…basically *** tried to scare him by telling him he only had a week but he is a sick puppy, it won’t be a week but if he continues drinking it won’t be far away. He is terminally ill but there is no time frame other than his organs are failing and all they are doing is palliative care – but *** won’t give up on him, he is a straight shooter and takes no crap but still cares enough to keep trying."
So it's not a week, but it's a matter of time. It is nice to know dad has finally found a good Drug & Alcohol Counsellor.
For you guys who are having/thinking of having babies with an alcoholic, I don't know how to advise you. Dad's alcohol abuse has not always been evident, it was just a natural part of his working environment. I have noticed though that alcoholics often seem to have a type of personality which makes them cunning, difficult and unreliable, and that has definitely been hard over the years. I could never wish for another father, but if and when I ever get married it will not be to someone prone to that kind of behaviour (I hope).
I think partners of alcoholics need to realise when it is time to let go. I know that for my stepmother it was probably the hardest thing she ever did, she was so adamant that he could be saved and she felt like she was the one to do it, but there comes a certain point where you have to look after yourself and leave them to their own devices. It is easier to do that I suppose if you don't have a child with them.
I was thinking of maybe keeping a blog on here, because it's going to get harder and the support is great, but also to show others what happens. Not sure though.
Thanks again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 8
Clarification
I hope I didn't offend anyone with the "cunning, difficult and unreliable" bit. I'm not saying all alcoholics also have those personality traits, but they do tend to accompany a severe addiction.
Cheers
Cheers
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Picky, I am sorry for what you're going thru. It's difficult to watch a parent die. I lost my mom earlier this year and spent her last week with her. She was a smoker and died of complications of 50+ yrs of smoking. It was ugly, but I'm glad I had the time with her. I came away with no regrets and some firm resolve to live my life a bit healthier so that I'd have more time with my own kids and future grandchildren.
Hugs and love to you and your family during this difficult time.
Hugs and love to you and your family during this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Sorry about your dad. It is hard to bear. May he be at peace soon.
Your comment about "cunning, difficult, and unreliable" is nothing but the truth. They need those characteristics to facilitate the drinking. Live to drink, at all costs.
Your comment about "cunning, difficult, and unreliable" is nothing but the truth. They need those characteristics to facilitate the drinking. Live to drink, at all costs.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hugs and prayers Picky. I hope you realize how incredibly strong you are.
Forums like these have the power to touch lives.
Thank you for making me feel grateful I did not marry and had kids with the drinker I had as a "partner". Thank you.
PS I recommend "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. An excellent book to cope with all kinds of change including death.
Forums like these have the power to touch lives.
Thank you for making me feel grateful I did not marry and had kids with the drinker I had as a "partner". Thank you.
PS I recommend "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. An excellent book to cope with all kinds of change including death.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 8
Thank you, that is such a beautiful poem. I realised I had all these replies while I was at work today, and I tried to read them, but when I got to your post I started welling up and had to pretend there were things wrong with my computer so I could crawl under my desk.
My grandma (his mother) died almost a year ago today, and I read a poem at her funeral called "Death Is Nothing At All" by Henry Scott Holland. It's a good poem, but I think I like yours more.
Thanks :-)
(I meant to quote Bernadette in that post)
My grandma (his mother) died almost a year ago today, and I read a poem at her funeral called "Death Is Nothing At All" by Henry Scott Holland. It's a good poem, but I think I like yours more.
Thanks :-)
(I meant to quote Bernadette in that post)
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