TakingCharge999

Well I confirmed my assistance to the company's party with my bf, the 19th of December. These are the voices I got:

My recovered self:"hope we have a good time"

My jealous self:"I will see ex's partner again, damn I need to look GREAT"

My revenge-driven self: "I will see ex in a social setting, I wonder if he will get jealous? I hope it hurts him to see me with someone else! hahaha!!"

My I-know-him self : "of course he will not even notice I'm there as he will probably arrive already drunk"

My I-need-validation self : "I hope I see him drinking to remember nothing has changed"

And on it goes.

Mostly I feel angry at myself for still caring what he thinks. For still wanting him to hurt. For still trying to "win". Win what??????

I admit I get some satisfaction when he sees me happy at work. The other day I caught him staring. I looked great and confident. He had said I was fat, etc. well I have never looked so good in my life, lost weight, I now dress girly, put makeup on, etc.

I admit I like the idea of him seeing me with someone else. I admit I find it sweet to go there even with my fears and anxiety..as in... "yes, I do exist.. I am still here... I can still smile... even with you and your gf infront of me. Look, I can move on too after the horror show I lived with you"

I hope next year I do not even post about the party or him or anything. For now... I admit, I want to look great that night, will even have makeup and my hair done professionally, etc. At least its good motivation to exercise these weeks... I will probably need your ESH and kicks in the ass after the party....

I was keeping this to myself but I knew you'd understand and needed to get it out..... thanks for listening.

Lilly Burn

Taking charge, I defy anyone not to have those feelings, all of them. Ive lots at least a stone since my AH left me, hes thousands of miles away and I still feel as if I have to look good just in case, (in case of what Im not sure) but I wont let a pound back on.....how silly is that! I also sent my very best picture of me and my dog to my step daughter when she tried to get in touch on facebook. It was very much in my mind, that HE might see it.....same thoughts exactly....I hope too that I will stop caring but it hasnt happened yet...time time time....Have a fab time by the way. Lillyx

nothappy

You might as well enjoy basking in the glory of your successes. It's surely better than wallowing in self pity over defeats. I hope you have a great time at the party. if not, "fake it 'till you make it."

TakingCharge999

Thanks a lot for your comments.

Lilly, you are right. I thought I would never get over another ex. I would have killed for him to message me or call me or remember me in some way. Well he got a gf and they were right infront of me in my graduation party. It sucked for me. I kind of repeat the same story over and over of being with a man then feel instantly replaced. And witness that repeatedly.. ugh.

Well I saw this ex years later and he was flirting with me. I did not respond. We just went for coffee and updated each other on our lives. He admitted having cheated that gf I used to be jealous of. I did not contact him again. Yesterday he sends me an email asking me about my life, saying he has thought about me these days, etc. etc. I would have killed for that email. Now I don't give a damn !! hope this happens with this last ex too. Having such close contact drags me down, with the other exes it was easier, just imagining they were dead...



nothappy... thanks for your kind words. You are right. If I see "them" I wish I can think "thank you for coming to the party that celebrates MY HARD WORK"

I will admit something else, I feel superior because I earn much more than she does. If it was an informal party I would bring a t shirt that said "my boyfriend is better than yours "

Damn. I need so much healing I wonder if I'll be done in my lifetime

TakingCharge999

My bf told me his sister's wedding happens to be the same day.

...


So I won't be going to the company's party after all.


Anxiety is gone.

I'm liking it. No showing off anyone or anything. I'm living it. That's all that matters. I'm finding the power on this "not playing" thing. Great lesson!!!!!!! Hope I get it for good one day.

TakingCharge999

Is it only me or when you are ready to face something even if it hurts, the "test" you were afraid of suddenly disappears??????