I am completely confused!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 7
I am completely confused!
This is my first time that i've ever wrote on a forum and im very nervous. My ex-boyfriend and i were together for 3 years and lived together for two.we are both 32yrs old. When we moved in together thats when i realised he had a problem with drink. He'd drink for 4-6 days, then stay sober for a week then do it all again. He'd be in the pub at 9 in the morning and not leave till closing time.sometimes he wouldnt even come home and just stay at a mates house. I was a nervous wreck all the time. We would have so many arguments about his drinking and sometimes he was violent.
We split up 6 weeks ago because he was drunk and beat me up and smashed the house up. I called the police but a week later i withdrew my statement because he begged me to. He was so nice to me but when i withdrew the statement he just fair play and laughed. He doesnt want us to get back together anymore because he says i cause him to drink.
My problem is that its all got to much for me to handle. I thought i would be relieved when i split up with him. Instead im so depressed and cant stop crying all the time.I have never felt this low. I still love him so much even though i know he was awful to me. Although the more i think about the more i think its my fault. I did nag him so much about his drinking. Even when he wasnt drinking i was always on edge wondering when he'd go drinking next and then we'd argue about that. I lent him so much money as well and i know i'll never get that back.
I spoke to him the other evening and he said he felt sorry for me cause i just cant get over him.He's right.He now lives with his parents and he still drinks but not as much as he did when he lived with me. So maybe it was my fault. He said he doesnt love me and never did. We live in a small village and he said everyone is talking about me and how mental i am. Im to scared to even go outside the front door cause i think people are talking about me. Im really scared because i have never felt this low. Any advice for me would be truly helpfull.
We split up 6 weeks ago because he was drunk and beat me up and smashed the house up. I called the police but a week later i withdrew my statement because he begged me to. He was so nice to me but when i withdrew the statement he just fair play and laughed. He doesnt want us to get back together anymore because he says i cause him to drink.
My problem is that its all got to much for me to handle. I thought i would be relieved when i split up with him. Instead im so depressed and cant stop crying all the time.I have never felt this low. I still love him so much even though i know he was awful to me. Although the more i think about the more i think its my fault. I did nag him so much about his drinking. Even when he wasnt drinking i was always on edge wondering when he'd go drinking next and then we'd argue about that. I lent him so much money as well and i know i'll never get that back.
I spoke to him the other evening and he said he felt sorry for me cause i just cant get over him.He's right.He now lives with his parents and he still drinks but not as much as he did when he lived with me. So maybe it was my fault. He said he doesnt love me and never did. We live in a small village and he said everyone is talking about me and how mental i am. Im to scared to even go outside the front door cause i think people are talking about me. Im really scared because i have never felt this low. Any advice for me would be truly helpfull.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Maggie,
I AM SO GLAD YOU FOUND THIS.
NONE of that was or is your fault. There isn't much I can say at this point because I am new here as well, but there are SOOOOO many amazing people here who have been where you are at, and have felt exactly what you feel.
You will get so much support here, and read so much wisdom from others. Up at the top of this forum there are little sticky's with great information about alcoholics, relationships and so much. I would recommend to start reading those.
I just wanted to write you and let you know you are not alone, and keep posting as much as you need to. There is a lot of love here.
:ghug3
I AM SO GLAD YOU FOUND THIS.
NONE of that was or is your fault. There isn't much I can say at this point because I am new here as well, but there are SOOOOO many amazing people here who have been where you are at, and have felt exactly what you feel.
You will get so much support here, and read so much wisdom from others. Up at the top of this forum there are little sticky's with great information about alcoholics, relationships and so much. I would recommend to start reading those.
I just wanted to write you and let you know you are not alone, and keep posting as much as you need to. There is a lot of love here.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 7
Lavash, Im ringing him and texting him everyday. He is getting pretty sick of me, God, im getting sick of myself, I dont want to act this way, i just feel like i need answers from him. I just want him to say sorry, be sorry.
he came round on Sunday evening proper drunk and said he needed somewhere to stay. I said no but then regretted it. I have a son who is 11 and i dont want him to see any more of this, i dont want him to see his mum giving up on life. But thats how i feel, selfish i know but im just trying to be honest.
he came round on Sunday evening proper drunk and said he needed somewhere to stay. I said no but then regretted it. I have a son who is 11 and i dont want him to see any more of this, i dont want him to see his mum giving up on life. But thats how i feel, selfish i know but im just trying to be honest.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Do you have therapists available where you are who specialize in domestic abuse and addictions? If so, please consider speaking to one.
His drinking wasn't your doing, you had nothing at all to do with it. But, boy is he slick pushing it all off onto you.
You deserve better, your son deserves better.
His drinking wasn't your doing, you had nothing at all to do with it. But, boy is he slick pushing it all off onto you.
You deserve better, your son deserves better.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi maggie! welcome to SR.
Is there any counselor or psychologist you could approach? you do not have to do this alone... it truly helped me. IF it were for me I would have every human go to one. It is important to feel listened. With an ex alcoholic boyfriend I felt invisible, with the help of SR, a therapist and lots of time for myself I was able to start healing from verbal abuse and the insanity of addiction.
We are all here for you. You and your son deserve peace.
Is there any counselor or psychologist you could approach? you do not have to do this alone... it truly helped me. IF it were for me I would have every human go to one. It is important to feel listened. With an ex alcoholic boyfriend I felt invisible, with the help of SR, a therapist and lots of time for myself I was able to start healing from verbal abuse and the insanity of addiction.
We are all here for you. You and your son deserve peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
Breaking up is hard, especially when you're not ready. It can take a long time to be ready. It can take a lot of abuse, a lot of giving up hope and a lot of just not caring anymore to be ready. I've been married to an alcoholic 15 years and I'm still here. There was a time when he'd threaten to leave me and I'd burst into tears. I got past that point and he stopped threatening the day I just looked at him blankly when he did.
Living with an alcoholic is living with a monster in the house. The monster has it's own room but there's no lock on the door and it can come after you anytime. You love the house so you keep hoping the monster will stay in it's room and leave you alone. But you have no control over what the monster does. You can tip-toe around so it won't here you, you can try playing monster taming music but nothing you can do will have any effect on the monster. So, you either decide the house is worth having to deal with the monster or you move out. In your case, the monster chased you out before you had a chance to realized the house really wasn't worth it. You hadn't had time to focus on all the other wonderful things outside the house that are waiting for you to learn to enjoy them. It sounds like you're still attached to the monster infested house. Hopefully, you can make yourself focus on happier things. The one time I left my AH was when the monster was rempaging around the house so much that I was in physical danger. I packed our boys up and hit the road. We spent weeks going to fun and interesting places every day, whether I liked it or not. It was hard. I did a lot of reading about alcoholism at that time. I went to a counselor at abused women's service, I got a clear picture of how dangerous my situation had become and I decided I was ready for a divorce. I told AH I wasn't coming back unless he quit drinking. I really thought he'd choose the alcohol over me. I was wrong. He started going to meetings, went on medication and got sober. BUT, guess what... eventually, he stopped going to meetings, then he quit his meds, then he started drinking again. The monster is back.
Aside from thinking out loud... I'm telling you this to A) Ask you to think about what you can do each day to have fun with your son. B) Read all you can to understand what you've been through, that it wasn't your fault and that you had no control over the situation. C) Say, he did you a favor by setting you free, you are better off without him.
Living with an alcoholic is living with a monster in the house. The monster has it's own room but there's no lock on the door and it can come after you anytime. You love the house so you keep hoping the monster will stay in it's room and leave you alone. But you have no control over what the monster does. You can tip-toe around so it won't here you, you can try playing monster taming music but nothing you can do will have any effect on the monster. So, you either decide the house is worth having to deal with the monster or you move out. In your case, the monster chased you out before you had a chance to realized the house really wasn't worth it. You hadn't had time to focus on all the other wonderful things outside the house that are waiting for you to learn to enjoy them. It sounds like you're still attached to the monster infested house. Hopefully, you can make yourself focus on happier things. The one time I left my AH was when the monster was rempaging around the house so much that I was in physical danger. I packed our boys up and hit the road. We spent weeks going to fun and interesting places every day, whether I liked it or not. It was hard. I did a lot of reading about alcoholism at that time. I went to a counselor at abused women's service, I got a clear picture of how dangerous my situation had become and I decided I was ready for a divorce. I told AH I wasn't coming back unless he quit drinking. I really thought he'd choose the alcohol over me. I was wrong. He started going to meetings, went on medication and got sober. BUT, guess what... eventually, he stopped going to meetings, then he quit his meds, then he started drinking again. The monster is back.
Aside from thinking out loud... I'm telling you this to A) Ask you to think about what you can do each day to have fun with your son. B) Read all you can to understand what you've been through, that it wasn't your fault and that you had no control over the situation. C) Say, he did you a favor by setting you free, you are better off without him.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Maggie, let me repeat the three c's
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Sweetie, this is not your fault. His decision to drink was his, not yours. You didn't prise his jaws open and pour the alcohol in, did you? He is a grown up, responsible for his own choices. Don't buy into his excuses. Don't believe it when he says he's drinking less now. Don't trust a word he says about his drinking - this is something I learned the hard way! Alcoholism is a progressive disease. My STBXAH would manage to cut back on his drinking for maybe a couple of weeks but then would slowly increase it again until he was drinking even more than he was before cutting back.
Don't be afraid to reach our for help. I was once where you are now. I shouldered the blame for everything that went wrong in my marriage for way too many years. Getting out of that mind set was hard but it can be done.
I went to my doctor, I got one on one counselling, I journalled, I came here, I read and read (top recommendation is Melody Beattie's Co dependant No More closely followed by Under the Influence). I stopped all communication with him because I still believed him more than I believed me. I needed the space to start getting a better perspective on things.
It isn't easy but the work has been worth it. You can do this, it just takes one baby step at a time. :ghug3
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Sweetie, this is not your fault. His decision to drink was his, not yours. You didn't prise his jaws open and pour the alcohol in, did you? He is a grown up, responsible for his own choices. Don't buy into his excuses. Don't believe it when he says he's drinking less now. Don't trust a word he says about his drinking - this is something I learned the hard way! Alcoholism is a progressive disease. My STBXAH would manage to cut back on his drinking for maybe a couple of weeks but then would slowly increase it again until he was drinking even more than he was before cutting back.
Don't be afraid to reach our for help. I was once where you are now. I shouldered the blame for everything that went wrong in my marriage for way too many years. Getting out of that mind set was hard but it can be done.
I went to my doctor, I got one on one counselling, I journalled, I came here, I read and read (top recommendation is Melody Beattie's Co dependant No More closely followed by Under the Influence). I stopped all communication with him because I still believed him more than I believed me. I needed the space to start getting a better perspective on things.
It isn't easy but the work has been worth it. You can do this, it just takes one baby step at a time. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 7
Thank you for your replys. Im going up to his house now cause i really need to talk to him. His parents will be there and i know they all think im crazy. I just need to understand from him why he did what he did, why he's making my name dirt around the town. I thought if i withdrew my police statement then he would not say anything bad about me but i was wrong. I need to talk with him while he is sober. my head is such a mess-i dont know what the right thing to do is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
Nothing good can come of talking to him. He doesn't know what he's doing, let alone why. Do something nice for yourseelf. A nice cup of hot chocolate. A trip to the library in the motning will have more info for you than he will.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I hope you'll be OK. I found that trying to talk to an active alcoholic, sober or not, was just a waste of my time. I was trying to reason with someone unreasonable. The alcohol has a death grip on his mind and everything he said/says is tainted by it. I had to stop looking to him for answers and look to me for them. Trust yourself. :ghug3
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Maggie,
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
Your wanting to speak to him and be heard by him are normal. Unfortunately, when alcohol is involved the relationship is not normal. The primary focus becomes alcohol for both partners. The one consuming alcohol is obsessed with keeping the addiction alive and the other partner becomes focused on the effects of alcohol. The alcoholic loves alcohol and wants more and the other partner despises alcohol and wants nothing more to do with it. Trying to get the alcoholic to see alcohol as the enemy is frustrating.
Think back over the times during your relationship when you tried to have a talk with him while he was sober. Did he really hear you, understand you, validate your feelings and most importantly RESPECT your feelings? If he is like our alcoholics - the answer is NO.
By thinking through a scenario like having a conversation with an alcoholic, you are playing the tape forward and seeing the ultimate outcome based on past behaviors. Past behaviors are the best indicator of future behaviors.
At SR we have an analogy about going to an active alcoholic for validation:
It's like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh baked bread - you come away empty handed.
You can share your hurts, pain and feelings here and we will understand and respect your feelings. We have been there too. You can also share at Alanon meetings for face to face support. This support forum and local meetings are filled with people that understand what you are going through. You are not alone anymore.
The feelings of depression that you have are part of the grieving process. Your boyfriend has not died, but the relationship with him is ending. That can feel the same as the death of a loved one. You may be feeling one or more of the phases of grief as you mourn the end of the relationship. (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) Your son may also experience some of these phases of grief.
I went through those phases of grief and still do. A friend (social worker) gave me very good advise. She told me it's healthy to feel the emotions and they are a natural part of the healing process. Go ahead and feel them all. It is also okay to let your child see you cry. Adults do get sad. It's okay to get angry and express it in healthy ways. My favorite way to release anger is to get in my car and scream!
Maggie, you keep coming back and reaching out for support. You are loving and loveable. Try doing something nice for yourself today.
(((hugs)))
edited to add this: My recovery goal is progress, not perfection. I have gone back to my old ways while thinking "this time will be different" and hoping for a different outcome. I'm learning from my mistakes and taking my life One Day at a Time, sometimes I do this One Moment as a Time.
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
Your wanting to speak to him and be heard by him are normal. Unfortunately, when alcohol is involved the relationship is not normal. The primary focus becomes alcohol for both partners. The one consuming alcohol is obsessed with keeping the addiction alive and the other partner becomes focused on the effects of alcohol. The alcoholic loves alcohol and wants more and the other partner despises alcohol and wants nothing more to do with it. Trying to get the alcoholic to see alcohol as the enemy is frustrating.
Think back over the times during your relationship when you tried to have a talk with him while he was sober. Did he really hear you, understand you, validate your feelings and most importantly RESPECT your feelings? If he is like our alcoholics - the answer is NO.
By thinking through a scenario like having a conversation with an alcoholic, you are playing the tape forward and seeing the ultimate outcome based on past behaviors. Past behaviors are the best indicator of future behaviors.
At SR we have an analogy about going to an active alcoholic for validation:
It's like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh baked bread - you come away empty handed.
You can share your hurts, pain and feelings here and we will understand and respect your feelings. We have been there too. You can also share at Alanon meetings for face to face support. This support forum and local meetings are filled with people that understand what you are going through. You are not alone anymore.
The feelings of depression that you have are part of the grieving process. Your boyfriend has not died, but the relationship with him is ending. That can feel the same as the death of a loved one. You may be feeling one or more of the phases of grief as you mourn the end of the relationship. (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) Your son may also experience some of these phases of grief.
I went through those phases of grief and still do. A friend (social worker) gave me very good advise. She told me it's healthy to feel the emotions and they are a natural part of the healing process. Go ahead and feel them all. It is also okay to let your child see you cry. Adults do get sad. It's okay to get angry and express it in healthy ways. My favorite way to release anger is to get in my car and scream!
Maggie, you keep coming back and reaching out for support. You are loving and loveable. Try doing something nice for yourself today.
(((hugs)))
edited to add this: My recovery goal is progress, not perfection. I have gone back to my old ways while thinking "this time will be different" and hoping for a different outcome. I'm learning from my mistakes and taking my life One Day at a Time, sometimes I do this One Moment as a Time.
Last edited by Pelican; 11-25-2009 at 05:52 AM.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Past behaviors are the best indicator of future behaviors - Pelican, you are so right and if only I could have thought about that when my STBEXAH constantly abandoned me in order to drink....of course, in the end he abandoned me for good...
Maggie, you will get lots of support and words of wisdom here, I understand so completely that feeling of pure frustration, try to let it go and do something nice for yourself...every day. It will pass. Lillyx
Maggie, you will get lots of support and words of wisdom here, I understand so completely that feeling of pure frustration, try to let it go and do something nice for yourself...every day. It will pass. Lillyx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 7
Ok, i went to see him and he wasnt there. so what did i do, i went out and got drunk, just got home now. i hardly ever drink only with friends but now im so drunk. I spoke to his dad but he didnt seem to care. Shall i tell you what is gettin to me so much. On the saturday he beat me up, on the sunday i started bleedin, i was 3 months pregnant with his child, now can u see why im so messed up
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Maggie,
What you have been through is enough to shake anyone to their core. I wish I could just be there and give you a big hug.
Everyone here is right, going to him is going to do NOTHING but cause you so much more pain. It is time to start healing YOURSELF. And that means going to yourself for answers. You are never going to hear what you need or want to hear from him.
I made the choice to go no contact with mine over a month ago. It was the ONLY way I was going to start healing. The pain of trying to contact him, or keep him in my life was just too overwhelming. And I had to realize that he never cared about me.
That is a painful realization.....but it says so much about him, NOT me. And how your abf treats you, is NOT a reflection of you, it is of HIM.
I am fairly sure that my A told his friends that I was an obsessed person. I am not.
He did nothing but tell me how EVIL his ex wife was for 8 months, and then you know what, he went back to her. THEY TELL LIES so that they can play the VICTIM. In their minds they are ALWAYS the victim.
What comes out of his mouth does not matter...you know what the truth is.
And sweetheart, you need to read that sentence again where you typed he "beat you up, and you started bleeding"....
WHY WHY WHY would you EVER want to go back and talk to someone who did that to you? And WHY would you EVER think that someone like that would be honest with you?
It sounds like his family and his associations are ALL toxic....you do not need to be around them.
When people hit their rock bottom, that is when they truly have enough. Is this not your rock bottom? Being beat up so badly?
Please please focus on you, and the goodness in you. Give yourself some time. Give YOURSELF some space. You came here for a reason, for answers, for support.... you know that this is NOT the relationship that you want. You know that you deserve better than this.
Breath, focus, and take care of you. Rule your emotions, don't let your emotions rule you.
HUGS
What you have been through is enough to shake anyone to their core. I wish I could just be there and give you a big hug.
Everyone here is right, going to him is going to do NOTHING but cause you so much more pain. It is time to start healing YOURSELF. And that means going to yourself for answers. You are never going to hear what you need or want to hear from him.
I made the choice to go no contact with mine over a month ago. It was the ONLY way I was going to start healing. The pain of trying to contact him, or keep him in my life was just too overwhelming. And I had to realize that he never cared about me.
That is a painful realization.....but it says so much about him, NOT me. And how your abf treats you, is NOT a reflection of you, it is of HIM.
I am fairly sure that my A told his friends that I was an obsessed person. I am not.
He did nothing but tell me how EVIL his ex wife was for 8 months, and then you know what, he went back to her. THEY TELL LIES so that they can play the VICTIM. In their minds they are ALWAYS the victim.
What comes out of his mouth does not matter...you know what the truth is.
And sweetheart, you need to read that sentence again where you typed he "beat you up, and you started bleeding"....
WHY WHY WHY would you EVER want to go back and talk to someone who did that to you? And WHY would you EVER think that someone like that would be honest with you?
It sounds like his family and his associations are ALL toxic....you do not need to be around them.
When people hit their rock bottom, that is when they truly have enough. Is this not your rock bottom? Being beat up so badly?
Please please focus on you, and the goodness in you. Give yourself some time. Give YOURSELF some space. You came here for a reason, for answers, for support.... you know that this is NOT the relationship that you want. You know that you deserve better than this.
Breath, focus, and take care of you. Rule your emotions, don't let your emotions rule you.
HUGS
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Maggie, thanks for trusting us. I wish we lived in the same city so I could hug you.
Who is your support group? do you got family/friends? I passed many days, nights, weeks and months crying thinking I was alone. Then I joined SR and knew I would never be alone again and yes others knew exactly how I felt. And many were much better so I could do it, too. But I also needed to welcome people in my life or seek out people that were on my side... that is why I ask... who are your allies? any counselor, dear friend, neighbor, religious figure, family member? it is like a videogame, where you need to create your own "clan" to help you through this tough times. Please do not isolate... I did it for months.. I suffered greatly isolating from the world... it is not worth it. I wish I had trusted someone earlier than I did.
Hugs!!
Who is your support group? do you got family/friends? I passed many days, nights, weeks and months crying thinking I was alone. Then I joined SR and knew I would never be alone again and yes others knew exactly how I felt. And many were much better so I could do it, too. But I also needed to welcome people in my life or seek out people that were on my side... that is why I ask... who are your allies? any counselor, dear friend, neighbor, religious figure, family member? it is like a videogame, where you need to create your own "clan" to help you through this tough times. Please do not isolate... I did it for months.. I suffered greatly isolating from the world... it is not worth it. I wish I had trusted someone earlier than I did.
Hugs!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 7
Thank you for all your advice. I dont attend a support group. This forum has been my first contact about my problems. I live in ireland and i dont have many friends here. I moved here two years ago to be with my boyfriend, i used to live in England. All my family still live in England. So really theres just me and my son. What do i do now. Whats the next step so to speak?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
At this point, for the safety of yourself and your son, can you contact your family and go back to England?
I know it would seem hard for you to leave him ...but it is the best and healthiest choice I would say. Removing yourself completely will allow you to have more clarity about the situation.
I know it would seem hard for you to leave him ...but it is the best and healthiest choice I would say. Removing yourself completely will allow you to have more clarity about the situation.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
