Thumper

I stayed because of the children. They need and deserve a father. I left out the word *sober* in my thoughts and in my actions. I denied that he was an alcoholic for a very long time. When the thought did occur to me I minimized the ramifications of that.

I stayed because I'd accept one small thing, one tiny crossing of my boundaries at a time. Before I knew it I was accepting things I'd have never dreamed of. One inch at a time my boundaries ended up miles away. I allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated until I no longer knew up from down.

I stayed because I felt enormous guilt. I can't even articulate what I felt guilty about half the time but I did. I felt responsible - for everything.

I stayed because we had a shared dream. I had a plan for my life and by hell or high water, I was going to do whatever needed to be done to make life unfold like I wanted it to. :banghead: Turns out my magic wand of life was just a pencil and some tinfoil, lol.

aboutdone

Why did I stay.....because of my addiction to him. My addiction to the drama. My addiction to the thought that I could fix it if only he would do as I say, listen to what I say, see things my way. I'm a T person, or maybe a D person. I'm attached to drama. I'm only happy when it rains, and by the way its raining today.

Today is day 1 of no contact, implemented by me, after he crossed a boundary. For the first time in 3 years, I'm going to work on my addiction. When a person suffers from addiction, it is a crazy thing going on in their head, and body. Their substance of choice gives them the best and worst of times. Their highest highs, their lowest lows.

I mean seriously.....lets compare.

XRAH has lost jobs because of his addiciton to alcohol.
I have lost jobs because of my addiction to him.

XRAH has lied to cover his addiction, to minimize it.
I have lied to cover my addiction to him, to minimize it.

XRAH will spin a web of lies so fast its not funny.
I will jump in just as quick and start untangling.

XRAH will promise forever.
I will believe in forever.

XRAH will go to any length to blame someone else for his problems.
I too, will go to any length to blame someone else my problems.

The parallels......yep, I'm addicted to him. I'm addicted to pain. I'm addicted to being treated like his mommy, his doormat, his baby momma, his *****.

So today....Step 1. I admit I have become powerless over my addiction, and my life has become unmanageable. I will abstain from my addiction at all costs, for it could cost me my emotional health/integrity. It will cost me my physical health. It will cost my children their RIGHT to be normal, healthy, children with high self esteem. In the end, it could cost me my life, dying alone, from a damaged bruised ego, self esteem, and broken heart and dreams.

Yes, I am an addict. I'm addicted to him. HP help me.

tigger11

Carol Star - Alcohol is a solvent. It takes everything away. - Great line!

Jazzman

Two weeks out of her second rehab she relapsed and I kicked her out a few months later, (after working out some divorce details). She got two chances to get and stay sober with me in the picture. I was convinced that she would eventually drink herself to death and I would not sit there and have a front row seat to witness that. Plus I had a responsibility to myself to not accept being treated the way I was. Plus I had a responsibility to my kids from my first marriage to not expose them to a nasty drunk step mother.

I'm not the type that needs a relationship so much I would settle for a bad one. Most times I have to be really careful what I post because I come off harsh to a lot of readers. Some times I read posts that trigger my desire to come to the rescue and save the damsel in distress. But only because I really do care about people and actually have genuine intentions to help, so please keep that in mind when I say...

People need to realize they have a responsibility to themselves and others to not settle for less. We always have choices, even if it's a leap of faith into the unknown. Life's too short and it's a precious gift too often taken for granted. Don't waste your life and most importantly please don't teach your kids to waste theirs. They are watching and learning from you all the time.

intheknow

I would really like to know why I stay!

Frogdude

I am trying to justify my staying even as I read all of the responses. I guess that is the million dollar question.

Carol Star

"Take your time,cause time is what it's gonna take, and then one morning you'll awake and have one less tear...and you'll heal....I know you will...".CECE Winans

FindingPeace1

I love this thread and see myself over and over.

I stay because that's what you do in marriage - you stay.
I stay because I love the heck out of him and want to live happily ever after.
I stay because he's absolutely wonderful...when he's not yuck.
I stay because I was living my dream until my house of cards fell.
I stay because I am afraid to start over.
I stay because I am afraid of hurting him.
I stay because staying is easier than leaving and recreating myself.
I stay because to leave would be to face my grief at losing him and the relationship.
I stay because I am not ready...*yet*
I stay because I realize I have a big problem with REALITY. I resist it with everything I have. I waste a lot of time wishing, wanting, being disappointed, being hopeful, etc. etc. on most everything in life rather than being with WHAT IS.

ICant

What a great thread and yes, it is the million dollar question.

There are two answers for me. There is a level of understanding I had after counselling and before Al-Anon/recovery and there is the level of understanding that I got after coming to Al-Anon.

The first level was because of the marriage and the children. Al-Anon was a last ditch effort to save the marriage. It was so eye-opening. The first thing I learnt was that I didn't need to stay for the kids, I needed to leave for the kids. In time I learnt the deeper reason why I stayed. His binge drinking worked for me. When he got drunk two to three times a week, it worked for me. He would go in his little hole and I would have time to myself. Then afterwards he would be over the top perfect to make up for drinking. Then there were the angry nights when we would both fight. I loved yelling and getting it all out of my system. I call it functional co-dependence. Then his drinking ramped up until it was 6 times a week and then I guess that must have suited me too because then I could be a martyr.

KeepPedaling

I haven't seen him in weeks, but mentally I'm still with him. He wants to talk. I don't want to talk. I want him to do something. Something that will make me believe that he'll be different, that we'll be together happily, that everything will be ok. Something that will make me believe he won't drink again and that my life will be important to him. But he doesn't do anything. Just says he sorry and wants to talk. So I stay away, but in my mind, I'm undecided.

KeepPedaling

I really get this. The worst part about waiting and waiting for it to get better, is that I've never been a patient person, so when I'm disappointed after all the hoping, I get angry and I think the angry will turn to bitter if I don't leave him behind. I don't want to live a bitter life. I see happy couples now, shopping for Christmas things, and I already know what bitter feels like.

kellthebelle

I stayed so long because I loved him (still do) and I believed that he loved me. I now know the most important thing is my sanity and I just am not willing to do "crazy" anymore.

KeepPedaling

Ya, I think it gets to that point. Where you really love them and want to be with them, but it's not worth THAT MUCH chaos, pain, and crazy. We can still love them right? Just from farther away...

Dreamer42long

I stayed because he told me that re-uniting with me again (after 24 years) was his reason for quitting, that he wanted to get "us" right this time, and that I was his savior. I believed him.

I stayed because he too is a binge drinker and the periods between binges were picture-perfect. ...until the next binge...

For me,
When he was not drinking,
It was hard to imagine that he would take another drop.
He made me believe that he was done.
When he was drinking,
It was hard to imagine that he would ever stop.
Everything I believed sudden came un-done.

(I think I just wrote some pretty good lyrics, there!)

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Dreamer - You definately wrote some great lyrics there.

I learned that:

I can only change myself
To FOCUS on ME and not HIM
To stick to my boundary or it makes no sense to put one in place (tough one for me)
ACTIONS speak wayyyy louder than WORDS!!!
I derserve a great life
I do not have to settle for on again off again relationship due to someone elses addiction.
Everyone goes at their own pace and leave when they are ready
The people on this site are very helpful and awesome

FindingPeace1

It makes 100% sense...
for YOU (or me)...
but not for your alcoholic.

They don't want to.

They don't have to.

They get to choose their life.

They choose to drink.

Do we get to take away their rights and choices and live their life for them? Do we REALLY know what will make them happiest?
Oh, I feel like I do! I really do...but,
No (darn it, cuz I'd do a better job at living his life I think...).
Holy cow, I find that so deep. So simple and obvious, but how deep! My AH doesn't WANT to. Period.
And I think I can run his life on top of mine? Instead of mine? Really? I have divine right and power to control him?

I get to leave him alone or I am the one with the problem.

I envision him on another board called Wives that Won't Stop Trying to Control Us and he's saying, "Why won't she just stop controlling??" LOL!

I am realizing we have to be the change we want to see in the world. If we think it is so easy for them to "just stop" (and we do!!), then can WE just stop? Can I just stop judging/controlling/manipulating?

Boy, could I work on that for 6 more lifetimes...

Dreamer42long

THAT is funny!!!!!