Closure?
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Closure is when you wake up and you are not affected by them. (him/her etc) When you can say, I love who I THOUGHT they were but I am not in love with any part of them!. Closure is painful but liberating.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Do you know what OH? I don't think even jail was my ex's rock bottom. While he was in jail (It was only six weeks - maybe the shock treatment wasn't long enough!) he and I discussed getting him professional help. Before jail he had said he didn't want to give up. (Tho when he was bleating for the sympathy vote he'd cry that he did want to!) I'd get the 'I couldn't give up for my ex and two kids - what makes you think I want to give up now?' routine. In jail, he said he realised he didn't need alcohol to be funny, he didn't need it to be popular, he was popular and funny and a lovely guy without it. (To be fair, a lot of the time - not all - he was lovely even with alcohol - my main problem wasn't he couldn't get a handle on life and work, family, etc). So in jail we discussed treatment. I paid for it for his birthday. Three counselling sessions with the Allen Carr clinic. Guaranteed success or your money back. Thought that was an excellent deal as if it didn't work, it was only £175 - dirt cheap. He went to the first session just before his birthday in April. Started drinking again within three days or so, so we booked him in for the second session - which was free. The night before he was apparently all for it. The day of the session he switched his phone off all day. Spoke with him that night and he said he hadn't wanted to go and was ashamed of himself. That was the end of our relationship. Have only seen him face to face once from that day to this and that was when we had a showdown after he avoided me!
Alcohol - it's great isn't it???
Alcohol - it's great isn't it???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Kittyboo what you said about your sister and her ex fiance is so common! So very common. It's all about how he likes to see whether he still has her under his control. My ex wasn't really like that but he did do it once - phoned me twice on the trot but I was at a concert. (This was about nine days after we first finished and three or four days after he said he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to finish with me, and to give him some space). Texted him when I got home from the concert. No reply. Phoned him the next morning. Nothing. Left it. He phoned me a few times after that then cut me dead about a week later. Only a threatening text ever since! Nice!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Ironically, my ex volunteered to be the case study for a research project at my college on addiction. Basically, what I've learned from him, and others who struggle with and treat addiction, is that my field, behaviorism, is left out...you have to find something more gratifying than substances, set a goal, make a plan, and both self-monitor and have someone monitor you. I like AA and NA sponsorships because they help keep people on the right track.
My biggest mistake in this relationship is thinking, esp. since we are long-distance, that I could monitor a "behavior change plan" for him. It's not like when I'm in a classroom, clinic, or local home, where I can track progress, intervene, model behavior, etc.
A good friend, a crisis nurse, is on the edge of divorce with her AH. She said the definition of irony is that she and I are damn good at our jobs, because we have that "professional objectivity", but, when it comes to picking mates, that goes out the window!
We've come up with a saying...."we love our jobs so much we took our work home with us!"
My biggest mistake in this relationship is thinking, esp. since we are long-distance, that I could monitor a "behavior change plan" for him. It's not like when I'm in a classroom, clinic, or local home, where I can track progress, intervene, model behavior, etc.
A good friend, a crisis nurse, is on the edge of divorce with her AH. She said the definition of irony is that she and I are damn good at our jobs, because we have that "professional objectivity", but, when it comes to picking mates, that goes out the window!
We've come up with a saying...."we love our jobs so much we took our work home with us!"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi otherhalf,
Closure does not involve the other person at all, *****ooooooooo!!
About the clothes and the "ghost" Oh do I get it. In my case it was the ghost and the body wandering around as I work with the ex. Ugh. He got someone else almost right away. Ugh. The pain was unbearable!
One year later I feel stronger and now see what this particular person came to teach me.... its just actors, actresses and scenes... time is up for one scene, but some actors/actresses come back later...and some have no further role in YOUR play... and it is a blessing from above.
I like myself more now because I am no longer a doormat, I got character, I do believe in my dreams now and know what I want !! that is PEACE !! peace and silence. That's all.
A friend told me "respect is binary, either someone respects you, or he doesn't. No grays" and yes it hit home.
If it makes you feel any better, after a year I am just starting to get rid of clothes I loved but bring bad memories, I just gave lots of clothes to my sister. Changing bad vibes to something good. And I am just starting to re visit all those places full of bad memories and rewrite them. So, it takes time, it will come a time to get his stuff and memories and feelings out of your life, little by little.... its a process so just go along with it and take it easy......
Also, I got someone else in my life that is so very special. No addictions. Treats me like a lady (also because he knew I knew where my boundaries were! and I am not afraid to "lose him" and no longer manipulation material!!!).
I no longer feel alone in a relationship and that is the support and foundation I always looked for. Something real and solid. It is a great feeling!!
So I am here online most of my time, working, with the cats jumping around, a nice boyfriend and yes indeed all those HORRIBLE weeks and months believing an abusive jerk was really a nice person
seem like such a distant nightmare.
The time will come for you too.. and yes sometimes sadness comes back, or a specific trigger makes me remember something but ultimately when I am older I will be able to look back at the beautiful dreams and good moments and smiles that this guy and so many other people gave me, and the bad moments will be forgiven, forgotten and gone. That is peace for me.
Also, when I got angry I thought this person gives what he has, if he has hatred, anger, resentment, envy or whatever well it is not because I failed something, it is just who he is. Out of my control. Just as I am who I am and I will keep improving, because I decide so, that is something no one else can control either.
Keep moving forward and I agree with your therapist, think of the greatest good, and remember you were not up to betraying yourself, those two mantras help me a great deal.
"I needed to do this, for my greatest good"
"I was not up and I am not up to betray my values and myself to please someone. I matter"
And a user called transformmyself added something like "I choose to be away from you now, for my well being. " When I see ex from afar and my heart aches I use this mantra. I choose. I am not a helpless victim of destiny. I choose life. I choose love. I choose joy over misery. I choose people that respect me. Because I am important and my days are counted.
You can do this!!
Tc999
PS Writing down everything I felt and burning the paper at night helped me a great deal. Good therapy exercise!!!!!!!
Closure does not involve the other person at all, *****ooooooooo!!
About the clothes and the "ghost" Oh do I get it. In my case it was the ghost and the body wandering around as I work with the ex. Ugh. He got someone else almost right away. Ugh. The pain was unbearable!
One year later I feel stronger and now see what this particular person came to teach me.... its just actors, actresses and scenes... time is up for one scene, but some actors/actresses come back later...and some have no further role in YOUR play... and it is a blessing from above.
I like myself more now because I am no longer a doormat, I got character, I do believe in my dreams now and know what I want !! that is PEACE !! peace and silence. That's all.
A friend told me "respect is binary, either someone respects you, or he doesn't. No grays" and yes it hit home.
If it makes you feel any better, after a year I am just starting to get rid of clothes I loved but bring bad memories, I just gave lots of clothes to my sister. Changing bad vibes to something good. And I am just starting to re visit all those places full of bad memories and rewrite them. So, it takes time, it will come a time to get his stuff and memories and feelings out of your life, little by little.... its a process so just go along with it and take it easy......
Also, I got someone else in my life that is so very special. No addictions. Treats me like a lady (also because he knew I knew where my boundaries were! and I am not afraid to "lose him" and no longer manipulation material!!!).
I no longer feel alone in a relationship and that is the support and foundation I always looked for. Something real and solid. It is a great feeling!!
So I am here online most of my time, working, with the cats jumping around, a nice boyfriend and yes indeed all those HORRIBLE weeks and months believing an abusive jerk was really a nice person
seem like such a distant nightmare. The time will come for you too.. and yes sometimes sadness comes back, or a specific trigger makes me remember something but ultimately when I am older I will be able to look back at the beautiful dreams and good moments and smiles that this guy and so many other people gave me, and the bad moments will be forgiven, forgotten and gone. That is peace for me.
Also, when I got angry I thought this person gives what he has, if he has hatred, anger, resentment, envy or whatever well it is not because I failed something, it is just who he is. Out of my control. Just as I am who I am and I will keep improving, because I decide so, that is something no one else can control either.
Keep moving forward and I agree with your therapist, think of the greatest good, and remember you were not up to betraying yourself, those two mantras help me a great deal.
"I needed to do this, for my greatest good"
"I was not up and I am not up to betray my values and myself to please someone. I matter"
And a user called transformmyself added something like "I choose to be away from you now, for my well being. " When I see ex from afar and my heart aches I use this mantra. I choose. I am not a helpless victim of destiny. I choose life. I choose love. I choose joy over misery. I choose people that respect me. Because I am important and my days are counted.
You can do this!!
Tc999
PS Writing down everything I felt and burning the paper at night helped me a great deal. Good therapy exercise!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
OtherHalf-My exABF was an addictions counselor who couldn't face his own addiction so he walked away from the job but not the addiction.
Someone in my Al-Anon group - also an addictions counselor and an ACOA summed it up best when they said that they helped everyone else but themselves because they could not face up to their own painful past. That's my exABF in a nutshell.
Although he attended AA, he wouldn't take the step toward sponsorship because according to him, that would make him accountable to someone else - I pointed out that along with a sponsor, he would have to be accountable to himself. I guess he's not ready to face his pain so he continues to drink and berate me for going to Al-Anon.
So far, I've counted 5 phone messages on the landline, 3 on the cell, 4 emails. They range from beligerent to beseeching and I have not answered any of them. The messages have been deleted, the phone unplugged and the email blocked. It's hard to sit back and not respond but I'm getting though this somehow.
ExABF has real control issues - he wants to set the paramaters of the relationship depending on his moods-if he's grouchy or cranky or getting near a relapse, he wants to "rethink" the relationship as he catalogues all of my faults.
It reads like a playbook only the last time it happened, I shook up the playbook by detaching, not engaging him in arguing, walking away.....he got him angry as a nest of hornets the first time but I kept at it.
Once you realize you have the choice to walk away from an argument or a relationship, it changes the whole dynamic - made me feel empowered and gave me the courage to finally walk away from the chaos. It's not easy to do and familiar patterns are easy to fall back on but I feel relieved that I had the courage to do this and therefore, able to live with the choice I made.
Someone in my Al-Anon group - also an addictions counselor and an ACOA summed it up best when they said that they helped everyone else but themselves because they could not face up to their own painful past. That's my exABF in a nutshell.
Although he attended AA, he wouldn't take the step toward sponsorship because according to him, that would make him accountable to someone else - I pointed out that along with a sponsor, he would have to be accountable to himself. I guess he's not ready to face his pain so he continues to drink and berate me for going to Al-Anon.
So far, I've counted 5 phone messages on the landline, 3 on the cell, 4 emails. They range from beligerent to beseeching and I have not answered any of them. The messages have been deleted, the phone unplugged and the email blocked. It's hard to sit back and not respond but I'm getting though this somehow.
sclarke64448says:
It's all about how he likes to see whether he still has her under his control.
It's all about how he likes to see whether he still has her under his control.
It reads like a playbook only the last time it happened, I shook up the playbook by detaching, not engaging him in arguing, walking away.....he got him angry as a nest of hornets the first time but I kept at it.
Once you realize you have the choice to walk away from an argument or a relationship, it changes the whole dynamic - made me feel empowered and gave me the courage to finally walk away from the chaos. It's not easy to do and familiar patterns are easy to fall back on but I feel relieved that I had the courage to do this and therefore, able to live with the choice I made.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Wow guys...thank you so much. You know, when I was married, I used to think it was somehow MY fault, or circumstances, that made my AXH the way he was. I used to say he wouldn't go out and party if I lost ten pounds, kept the kids quieter, if his Mom hadn't passed away, if he hadn't been abused as a child, and so on, and so on, and so on.
When my XABF left rehab, it seemed like so much was put on ME. I had to overlook the verbal abuse, I had to take care of this, I had to...and so on and so on and so on.
I even had the contraindictions and side effects of his meds memorized, and would text info to his docs on my lunch breaks because of his "short-term memory problem!"
It's funny now, how his family, and even my family, and our friends, kept saying "God put you in his life for a reason; how perfect, a BA for an addict/alcoholic BF".
I even apologized to HIS family for not "helping enough".
It harkened back to my marriage, how I was always apologizing for my husband, for skipping holidays, for being a drunken ass at parties, for, well, everything.
The hard truth is, BOTH were addicts BEFORE they were my SO's, and THEY made the choice.
We behaviorists believe that life is all about choices...and, you know what? Addiction is the absolute HARDEST problem behavior to work on, because it's both positively and negatively reinforcing, the highs and lows, at the same time.
When my latest ex was with me and my family, he chose NOT to drink/use, because we were "reinforcement"...hanging with us, the normalcy, the routine, was fun to him.
When he was alone, back in his town, what was fun? The bar. The high.
So, ideally, for him, I SHOULD HAVE packed up and moved there. But, was that good for me? My family? No.
So...that's where I am today...I feel like the guys who determine "what went wrong" after nuclear meltdowns!
Thanks for letting me share
When my XABF left rehab, it seemed like so much was put on ME. I had to overlook the verbal abuse, I had to take care of this, I had to...and so on and so on and so on.
I even had the contraindictions and side effects of his meds memorized, and would text info to his docs on my lunch breaks because of his "short-term memory problem!"
It's funny now, how his family, and even my family, and our friends, kept saying "God put you in his life for a reason; how perfect, a BA for an addict/alcoholic BF".
I even apologized to HIS family for not "helping enough".
It harkened back to my marriage, how I was always apologizing for my husband, for skipping holidays, for being a drunken ass at parties, for, well, everything.
The hard truth is, BOTH were addicts BEFORE they were my SO's, and THEY made the choice.
We behaviorists believe that life is all about choices...and, you know what? Addiction is the absolute HARDEST problem behavior to work on, because it's both positively and negatively reinforcing, the highs and lows, at the same time.
When my latest ex was with me and my family, he chose NOT to drink/use, because we were "reinforcement"...hanging with us, the normalcy, the routine, was fun to him.
When he was alone, back in his town, what was fun? The bar. The high.
So, ideally, for him, I SHOULD HAVE packed up and moved there. But, was that good for me? My family? No.
So...that's where I am today...I feel like the guys who determine "what went wrong" after nuclear meltdowns!
Thanks for letting me share
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Hi folks...after four months of wearing my alcohilic/addict boyfriend's jewelry and sweater as "security items", I finally took his necklace and ring off, and moved my ring to the right hand. I went out with a group of friends, many of them mutual, for a meet and greet and dirty Santa gift party. I had a wonderful time, made new friends, won a UT snuggie (go Vols! lol) and am starting to feel "back to normal". Still grieving, but getting through it!
Love and Hugs,
OH7
Love and Hugs,
OH7
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
44 steps (End of a Rough Night for Me)
A good friend sent this today, and it really helped me
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The
Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 44 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The
Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 44 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: texarkana, ar
Posts: 8
untangling
Closure can be so painful. I am finding it very difficult to untangle our lives and begin the closure process. My strength to stand up for myself and what I know is best wavers from one convorsation to the next. Although we broke up in August, we still live together, work together and talk everyday. One day we agree that we dont want to go our separate ways, the next we fight and hurt eachother with anger, animosity and spite. I get so angry being blamed for someone elses bad behavior. It's always my fault, like I deserve what I got. I came to realize my part in our failed relationship and tried to apoligize for it. I got rage in return and comments like "You are just sorry for you" and "I dont care what you have to say." I was lied to, betrayed and cheated on. My unforgiveable sin was that I had to distance myself to protect. Now that is the focus. because I wasnt there, cheating on me was the only option. I am so tired of trying to move on, being sucked back in, feeling vulnerable and being hurt. As a codependant, I hope I am reaching my rock bottom, ready to end this viscious cycle of pain. I am praying I find the strength to take the power back and stop being someones emotional punching bag. Why on earth do I keep going back for more abuse? Why do I feel this is a person that deserves to be in my life? Questions I ask myself every day and my heart is not listening to the answers.
Just want to thank you all for sharing and being an ispiration to keep the faith.
Just want to thank you all for sharing and being an ispiration to keep the faith.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Thank YOU for reading and letting me vent...we are the same way...we don't speak, but we speak "of" each other through family and friends, and of course there is that little glimmer of hope.
I've been asked out a few times in the last couple of weeks...it's flattering, being pursued, but I'm not ready. I'm all mixed up inside. One of my favorite songs is "Walking After You" by the Foo Fighters...my SO were playing the roles in the video, except I was Dave Grohl and he was the addict...they met, fell in love, he rescued her from drug houses, and then fought for her in treatment.
I have hope for him, and hope for all, and I still think about him everyday.
Thanks again for letting me share.
I've been asked out a few times in the last couple of weeks...it's flattering, being pursued, but I'm not ready. I'm all mixed up inside. One of my favorite songs is "Walking After You" by the Foo Fighters...my SO were playing the roles in the video, except I was Dave Grohl and he was the addict...they met, fell in love, he rescued her from drug houses, and then fought for her in treatment.
I have hope for him, and hope for all, and I still think about him everyday.
Thanks again for letting me share.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Another Closure Theme Song Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Sorry Wanting...two people have sent this today, a high school chum and a buddy in the throes of full-blown alcoholism, and I cried for an hour when I heard it. I don't think it was meant to make me feel sorry for the ex (they know him and know the deal) but it did help, to get those tears out. I wrote a blog once about not crying...I come off as tough and hard sometimes because of my job, but it's ok to grieve...God I miss him, the good stuff, and know that he is a mess without me, but also know I was becoming a mess WITH him.
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