Boyfriend Relapsed - Is he going to become a drinker again?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Boyfriend Relapsed - Is he going to become a drinker again?
Are there symptoms if someone who might start a life of drinking again? Is acting like a relapse is no big deal one of them? And is blaming the other person, or just life in general for the relapse healthy? I've never been to an AA meeting. I don't know very much about recovery. I only know how to protect myself from alcoholics, and that's normally to stay away from them.
Now that I've spent the last 4 night with under 4 hours of sleep each night, I think it might be time for me to post.
About me: I'm an adult child of an alcoholic; I'm almost 40. The misery of being "raised" by an alcoholic has prevented me from ever dating one - I was forced to live that life as a child because I was a child. But I would never choose that life for myself.
After years of counseling and just time itself, I've learned to let go of anger. But the hurt remains. That probably never goes away. I think we just learn to live with it and block it out. But, like white noise, if someone calls attention to it, or something triggers it, it's loud and clear.
Anyway, what I'm saying is, I know the horrific road of being in the life of an alcoholic. I've done my time on it. I don't want anymore, ever EVER again.
About him: I knew my current boyfriend before he was an alcoholic. I don't know his alcohol personality (there are always two right, the real person and that other person they become). He was young, athletic, funny and full of happiness. We were the best of friends and inseparable. Never dated. I moved away, and 17 years later, we found each other again. It was like we'd never been apart. I was so happy to have him in my life again. We've been dating since we first saw each other again - 5 months now.
In the time we were apart, I worked hard to have a normal, quiet life. Made it through college. Have a nice career. Learned how to form healthy relationships and live where I've always wanted, in a safe, peaceful, place of my own.
My boyfriend's path was different. He drank for 15 years. Got 5 DUI's, has been in two horrible car accidents (has the scarred face to prove it), lost all his friends, his home, his family won't speak to him, spent time in jail, etc.
When I found him, he'd been two years sober, he's in college, he's super healthy, and he's building a wonderful life. His personality is the same as when I saw him last. Learning what he'd been through and where he's at, I'm so so proud of him. I felt so much faith in him and really trusted him.
I thought he would never drink again. I really believed it. I know a few alcoholics who've been sober over 15 and 20 years. In speaking to my boyfriend, I believed he was the same.
The relapse: We fought the other day. He decided to go home and drink. When he drinks, he loses his mind and keeps drinking until he's passed out. It's ugly. I was worried, so I did the typically codependent thing and drove to his place to stop him from doing too much damage. I found him staggering in the street in front of his apartment, yelling at strangers, waving an open container of beer around. I think, "So this crazy person is my 'other' boyfriend". The only way I could get him in my car was to say I would take him to a bar (ya, I lied). I took him back to my place and kept him from drinking anymore (this was no easy task; I'm sure you can all imagine the chaotic evening).
The next morning he was angry at me for picking him up. I let him know that was the one and only time I would intervene. I made him take the bus home (1.5 hour trip).
This is getting long. I'm really sorry.
The problem: I don't trust him anymore. I cannot choose a life with a drinker. I can't do it. He keeps minimizing it, saying it will never happen again and it's no big deal. I said that I'd always worry now - if we get in a fight, he might drink; if life gets hard, he might drink, etc. I wasn't worried before. I truly believed in him. That he minimizes it scares me even more.
I think, if I stay with him, he'll know he can drink, and I won't leave. No consequences. If I leave, he'll know that he'll always lose something when he drinks. But then, he's learned and I've lost him.
I just really thought we'd be together forever. I thought I could lean on him and believe in him. That feels ruined. I'm missing him horribly right now. This happened Sunday night. After 3 hours of sleep, I had to go to work and run a meeting that I wasn't prepared for. I felt and looked horrible. That's life with a drinker. I know that life. I won't live that life.
He promises he won't drink again. But at the same time, he's not really taking responsibility. He talks about it like it shouldn't scare me and like it's just a little mistake, no biggie. He even said, "you're making it a way bigger deal than it is." I dunno, maybe I've gotten a little square in my old age, but waving an open container around on a busy city street and then later pissing your pants is a big deal.
I asked why he didn't tell me he might drink. He said because we were fighting. I thought we were closer than that, that if things really got bad, he'd tell me. It's the ultimate power move, "you'd better not pressure me, or I might drink."
I'm rambling. We talked on the phone yesterday - argued really. I told him I don't trust him anymore. He said calmly, "Oh you will. You'll see."
I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice. I really feel like leaving is my only option, but that's such a heartbreaker.
Current status
Him: I know he went to a meeting two days ago.
Me: I'm having trouble sleeping. I wouldn't talk to him today because my stress level is through the roof. This has brought up a lot of feelings from childhood that I really don't want to be going through again.
Now that I've spent the last 4 night with under 4 hours of sleep each night, I think it might be time for me to post.
About me: I'm an adult child of an alcoholic; I'm almost 40. The misery of being "raised" by an alcoholic has prevented me from ever dating one - I was forced to live that life as a child because I was a child. But I would never choose that life for myself.
After years of counseling and just time itself, I've learned to let go of anger. But the hurt remains. That probably never goes away. I think we just learn to live with it and block it out. But, like white noise, if someone calls attention to it, or something triggers it, it's loud and clear.
Anyway, what I'm saying is, I know the horrific road of being in the life of an alcoholic. I've done my time on it. I don't want anymore, ever EVER again.
About him: I knew my current boyfriend before he was an alcoholic. I don't know his alcohol personality (there are always two right, the real person and that other person they become). He was young, athletic, funny and full of happiness. We were the best of friends and inseparable. Never dated. I moved away, and 17 years later, we found each other again. It was like we'd never been apart. I was so happy to have him in my life again. We've been dating since we first saw each other again - 5 months now.
In the time we were apart, I worked hard to have a normal, quiet life. Made it through college. Have a nice career. Learned how to form healthy relationships and live where I've always wanted, in a safe, peaceful, place of my own.
My boyfriend's path was different. He drank for 15 years. Got 5 DUI's, has been in two horrible car accidents (has the scarred face to prove it), lost all his friends, his home, his family won't speak to him, spent time in jail, etc.
When I found him, he'd been two years sober, he's in college, he's super healthy, and he's building a wonderful life. His personality is the same as when I saw him last. Learning what he'd been through and where he's at, I'm so so proud of him. I felt so much faith in him and really trusted him.
I thought he would never drink again. I really believed it. I know a few alcoholics who've been sober over 15 and 20 years. In speaking to my boyfriend, I believed he was the same.
The relapse: We fought the other day. He decided to go home and drink. When he drinks, he loses his mind and keeps drinking until he's passed out. It's ugly. I was worried, so I did the typically codependent thing and drove to his place to stop him from doing too much damage. I found him staggering in the street in front of his apartment, yelling at strangers, waving an open container of beer around. I think, "So this crazy person is my 'other' boyfriend". The only way I could get him in my car was to say I would take him to a bar (ya, I lied). I took him back to my place and kept him from drinking anymore (this was no easy task; I'm sure you can all imagine the chaotic evening).
The next morning he was angry at me for picking him up. I let him know that was the one and only time I would intervene. I made him take the bus home (1.5 hour trip).
This is getting long. I'm really sorry.
The problem: I don't trust him anymore. I cannot choose a life with a drinker. I can't do it. He keeps minimizing it, saying it will never happen again and it's no big deal. I said that I'd always worry now - if we get in a fight, he might drink; if life gets hard, he might drink, etc. I wasn't worried before. I truly believed in him. That he minimizes it scares me even more.
I think, if I stay with him, he'll know he can drink, and I won't leave. No consequences. If I leave, he'll know that he'll always lose something when he drinks. But then, he's learned and I've lost him.
I just really thought we'd be together forever. I thought I could lean on him and believe in him. That feels ruined. I'm missing him horribly right now. This happened Sunday night. After 3 hours of sleep, I had to go to work and run a meeting that I wasn't prepared for. I felt and looked horrible. That's life with a drinker. I know that life. I won't live that life.
He promises he won't drink again. But at the same time, he's not really taking responsibility. He talks about it like it shouldn't scare me and like it's just a little mistake, no biggie. He even said, "you're making it a way bigger deal than it is." I dunno, maybe I've gotten a little square in my old age, but waving an open container around on a busy city street and then later pissing your pants is a big deal.
I asked why he didn't tell me he might drink. He said because we were fighting. I thought we were closer than that, that if things really got bad, he'd tell me. It's the ultimate power move, "you'd better not pressure me, or I might drink."
I'm rambling. We talked on the phone yesterday - argued really. I told him I don't trust him anymore. He said calmly, "Oh you will. You'll see."
I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice. I really feel like leaving is my only option, but that's such a heartbreaker.
Current status
Him: I know he went to a meeting two days ago.
Me: I'm having trouble sleeping. I wouldn't talk to him today because my stress level is through the roof. This has brought up a lot of feelings from childhood that I really don't want to be going through again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oh, goodness, I am sorry for this that has brought you here, but you have found a great place, full of wonderful people..who will be along shortly.
You might want to read the stickies at the top of the forum.
Only you can decide whether you are willing to take the very real risk of becoming further involved with this man or whether you want to cut your losses and move on and find someone who fills the bill with no bull. And you don't even have to decide now...you can take an extended break and let what will be come about...but nothing you do can or will make one bit of difference in whether he is going to continue his drinking career or not. I know the past is past...but, darn, I am sure that his family probably gave him every chance in the world and then some. If they aren't red flags, then there sure are alot of caution lights.
I hope you find some peace and get some rest. He may minimize it, but look what it has done to you.
hugs,
live
You might want to read the stickies at the top of the forum.
Only you can decide whether you are willing to take the very real risk of becoming further involved with this man or whether you want to cut your losses and move on and find someone who fills the bill with no bull. And you don't even have to decide now...you can take an extended break and let what will be come about...but nothing you do can or will make one bit of difference in whether he is going to continue his drinking career or not. I know the past is past...but, darn, I am sure that his family probably gave him every chance in the world and then some. If they aren't red flags, then there sure are alot of caution lights.
I hope you find some peace and get some rest. He may minimize it, but look what it has done to you.
hugs,
live
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Thank you Live
Thanks so much for the great reply. I like what you said about not making a decision right away. I don't know why I always feel like I have to make huge decisions so quickly. Everything you said helps a lot.
Maybe, if I were one of those "normal" people, the kind that grew up in healthy homes, maybe then it wouldn't terrify me. But I remember everything like it was yesterday. That horrible life from before. I thought he understood that if he drank, I would leave. He says he had "no idea" it would affect me this way.
Anyway, thanks so much for making me feel more calm. Maybe I can get some sleep now - now that I don't have to decide tonight.
Maybe, if I were one of those "normal" people, the kind that grew up in healthy homes, maybe then it wouldn't terrify me. But I remember everything like it was yesterday. That horrible life from before. I thought he understood that if he drank, I would leave. He says he had "no idea" it would affect me this way.
Anyway, thanks so much for making me feel more calm. Maybe I can get some sleep now - now that I don't have to decide tonight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
okay, that was the diplomatic answer...but when I re-read your post, I think you have answered your own question, it's just that the answer is troubling and hurts.
And there aren't two of him....it's all him, there is only one package.
If you want to know what I really think, it is RUN RUN RUN fast and far away from this trainwreck before you lose more than sleep and a possible opportunity of a relationship.
If you don't have honesty, trust, respect and openness, what have you got?
Alcoholism not treated by abstinence and internal work and growth only progresses and gets worse.
You deserve better than that.
And there aren't two of him....it's all him, there is only one package.
If you want to know what I really think, it is RUN RUN RUN fast and far away from this trainwreck before you lose more than sleep and a possible opportunity of a relationship.
If you don't have honesty, trust, respect and openness, what have you got?
Alcoholism not treated by abstinence and internal work and growth only progresses and gets worse.
You deserve better than that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oops, I posted again while you were posting.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
And for sure, take care of yourself first!
Sweet Dreams!
You have the right to peace of mind and to say I need time and space and then give it to yourself. There's no rush at all.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
And for sure, take care of yourself first!
Sweet Dreams!
You have the right to peace of mind and to say I need time and space and then give it to yourself. There's no rush at all.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I dunno, maybe I've gotten a little square in my old age, but waving an open container around on a busy city street and then later pissing your pants is a big deal.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
yes, he's minimizing. if he was serious, he would be on the phone with his sponsor.
and i know that threat very well. the threat "if you do x, i will go out drinking"
this doesn't have any power over me anymore, because his drinking is exactly that, his drinking.
i can't control it. i was a fool to ever try.
and i know that threat very well. the threat "if you do x, i will go out drinking"
this doesn't have any power over me anymore, because his drinking is exactly that, his drinking.
i can't control it. i was a fool to ever try.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
I'm sorry your boyfriend relapsed. It appears his stop button is completely broken.
In looking back over the event, you have established a healthy boundary for yourself. You promised him it would be the last time you intervene on his behalf when alcohol is involved. Lesson learned. Do you realise how fortunate you are that you were not injured by him during that relapse?
You have been involved with him for 5 months. He said he was sober for 2 years prior to your dating. Really? Maybe sober, but his recovery program sucks! (I'm a recovering alcoholic, btw) A disagreement with a relationship partner triggered a relapse. Where was his sponsor? Where were his sobriety tools? After the fact, he minimizes his behavior? Listen to your inner voice about his behavior. Look at his actions and let them carry more weight than his words.
Back to the basics of the three C's:
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this
I lived with an alcoholic spouse. I held onto that relationship longer than I should have. Today, one of the side effects of living with alcoholism is still one of the hardest to work through. Reacting to events vs. Responding. In living with active alcoholism, I existed by reacting and anticipating every alcoholic event.
But I am learning that it is in my best interest to respond to events instead of react to them. I am learning that I can give myself time to make healthy decisions. In giving myself time, I often find more options are available. Options I couldn't see when I was in knee-jerk reaction mode. A friend in Alanon helped me with this. She told me to ask myself "Do I have to have this solved by 3:00 p.m. today?" No, I don't.
Give yourself time and space. Can you schedule time with a counselor or attend Alanon or ACOA meetings?
I'm sorry your boyfriend relapsed. It appears his stop button is completely broken.
In looking back over the event, you have established a healthy boundary for yourself. You promised him it would be the last time you intervene on his behalf when alcohol is involved. Lesson learned. Do you realise how fortunate you are that you were not injured by him during that relapse?
You have been involved with him for 5 months. He said he was sober for 2 years prior to your dating. Really? Maybe sober, but his recovery program sucks! (I'm a recovering alcoholic, btw) A disagreement with a relationship partner triggered a relapse. Where was his sponsor? Where were his sobriety tools? After the fact, he minimizes his behavior? Listen to your inner voice about his behavior. Look at his actions and let them carry more weight than his words.
Back to the basics of the three C's:
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this
I lived with an alcoholic spouse. I held onto that relationship longer than I should have. Today, one of the side effects of living with alcoholism is still one of the hardest to work through. Reacting to events vs. Responding. In living with active alcoholism, I existed by reacting and anticipating every alcoholic event.
But I am learning that it is in my best interest to respond to events instead of react to them. I am learning that I can give myself time to make healthy decisions. In giving myself time, I often find more options are available. Options I couldn't see when I was in knee-jerk reaction mode. A friend in Alanon helped me with this. She told me to ask myself "Do I have to have this solved by 3:00 p.m. today?" No, I don't.
Give yourself time and space. Can you schedule time with a counselor or attend Alanon or ACOA meetings?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Well, speaking as another alcoholic in recovery, I have never tried to wave away the seriousness of a relapse. I am deeply disappointed in myself and think it is a HUGE deal. I think a big warning flag is his attitude that it was no biggie.
Another warning flag: that he connected the argument to his relapse.
It makes me wonder if he really has two years sober. (?) Alcoholics can do real funny math when it comes to their sober times.
Nothing can make me drink: not a fight with someone or a bad thing that happens in my life.
To be honest? His nonchalant attitude and blaming his drinking on some external factor indicates that although he might be going to meetings, he doesn't seem to be learning anything from them.
Sadly, I think you might find that he is not as recovered as he has indicated.
Another warning flag: that he connected the argument to his relapse.
It makes me wonder if he really has two years sober. (?) Alcoholics can do real funny math when it comes to their sober times.
Nothing can make me drink: not a fight with someone or a bad thing that happens in my life.
To be honest? His nonchalant attitude and blaming his drinking on some external factor indicates that although he might be going to meetings, he doesn't seem to be learning anything from them.
Sadly, I think you might find that he is not as recovered as he has indicated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 19
I totally hear you - I really do. I was married to an alcoholic who was also completely dependent on weed, as well. The whole thing really, from beginning to end, was horrific. He'd ignore me most of the time - wouldn't even look at me in a room - he'd stare squarely at the TV with his Bud in one hand and a weed pipe in the other (or the remote). He once ignored me for about three months straight: I think during that time I probably had a total of about 15 minutes of conversation and that was mostly "Honey, rub my feet" or "get me a beer" or "what did you make me for dinner?"
He'd embarrass me in front of everyone, all the time. Then he'd get drunk and restrain, choke, bite - once bit the inside on my thighs repeatedly until there were black bitemarks there - HUGE black bitemarks like you see on autopsy photos of a serial killer/rapist's victims... On more than one occasion he ddin't take no for an answer to sex, but more often than not, I spent the nights alone in bed while he watched porn on the TV or on the internet from pay sites like IMLive... He didn't pay for much other than his DirecTV!
Anyway enough of that - there's a ton more where that came from. Point is, yes, I've been there and it's frikken awful. Which is why in the current situation I'm in, I cannot possibly let it progress to that stage. I still have self esteem - a bunch of it! I intend to keep it this time and very firmly set boundaries.
So far, it's been working for the vast majority of the time - for about a week. I say this short amount of time because I am sure that for my AB, it must seem like an eternity. And, he's making a conscious choice each and every day to behave well and not get drunk. It's been almost a week of this good behavior and I am very sure it's hard for him to do - especially because I insisted on him being nice to EVERYONE, not just me.
Trust is so very hard to give when we come from previous alcoholic situations. I know. The trust here in this relationship currently is very, very damaged to say the least. I am not going to force it back - sure, it'd be nice to trust, but I am no fool, and neither are you. We're both intelligent, "In the know" people. Yes, we love our AP's, BUT that does NOT mean we have to put up with the crap and the "it's no big deal" statements because it IS a big deal - it's a VERY big deal to us, and in a relationship, the other person's opinion damn well matters.
Lots of love and happy, understanding thoughts being sent your way!
He'd embarrass me in front of everyone, all the time. Then he'd get drunk and restrain, choke, bite - once bit the inside on my thighs repeatedly until there were black bitemarks there - HUGE black bitemarks like you see on autopsy photos of a serial killer/rapist's victims... On more than one occasion he ddin't take no for an answer to sex, but more often than not, I spent the nights alone in bed while he watched porn on the TV or on the internet from pay sites like IMLive... He didn't pay for much other than his DirecTV!
Anyway enough of that - there's a ton more where that came from. Point is, yes, I've been there and it's frikken awful. Which is why in the current situation I'm in, I cannot possibly let it progress to that stage. I still have self esteem - a bunch of it! I intend to keep it this time and very firmly set boundaries.
So far, it's been working for the vast majority of the time - for about a week. I say this short amount of time because I am sure that for my AB, it must seem like an eternity. And, he's making a conscious choice each and every day to behave well and not get drunk. It's been almost a week of this good behavior and I am very sure it's hard for him to do - especially because I insisted on him being nice to EVERYONE, not just me.
Trust is so very hard to give when we come from previous alcoholic situations. I know. The trust here in this relationship currently is very, very damaged to say the least. I am not going to force it back - sure, it'd be nice to trust, but I am no fool, and neither are you. We're both intelligent, "In the know" people. Yes, we love our AP's, BUT that does NOT mean we have to put up with the crap and the "it's no big deal" statements because it IS a big deal - it's a VERY big deal to us, and in a relationship, the other person's opinion damn well matters.
Lots of love and happy, understanding thoughts being sent your way!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by Pelican 
You have been involved with him for 5 months. He said he was sober for 2 years prior to your dating. Really? Maybe sober, but his recovery program sucks! (I'm a recovering alcoholic, btw) A disagreement with a relationship partner triggered a relapse. Where was his sponsor? Where were his sobriety tools? After the fact, he minimizes his behavior? Listen to your inner voice about his behavior. Look at his actions and let them carry more weight than his words.
What do you mean by you respond and don't react? I wonder what I'm doing...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
A vignette for Opus
Originally Posted by Opus
He'd embarrass me in front of everyone, all the time. Then he'd get drunk and restrain, choke, bite
Opus, I'm so glad you're not with that guy anymore. And I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend is trying so hard to stay sober. I'm wondering, have you made a plan for what you'd do if he drinks again? Have you set a limit, like, "if he relapses more than 2 times, I'm going to leave."
Thank you for your thoughts. It really helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Thanks LittleFish
Originally Posted by littlefish
Well, speaking as another alcoholic in recovery, I have never tried to wave away the seriousness of a relapse.
Nothing can make me drink: not a fight with someone or a bad thing that happens in my life.
To be honest? His nonchalant attitude and blaming his drinking on some external factor indicates that although he might be going to meetings, he doesn't seem to be learning anything from them.
Sadly, I think you might find that he is not as recovered as he has indicated.
Nothing can make me drink: not a fight with someone or a bad thing that happens in my life.
To be honest? His nonchalant attitude and blaming his drinking on some external factor indicates that although he might be going to meetings, he doesn't seem to be learning anything from them.
Sadly, I think you might find that he is not as recovered as he has indicated.
I'm wondering if he's acting like it's not a big deal so I won't be so worried by it. Maybe inside he's freaking out about it, but won't confide that in me because he realizes that it is a big deal...big enough for me to leave.
The thing that really bothers me is that he was so clear headed. I believe he really was two years sober. So his mind was very clear when he made the decision to drink. It's hard not to feel like I contributed to it by arguing with him. I mean, he's two years sober, then he drinks right after we had an argument.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
Hello KP. DO NOT take on the responsibility for his drinking; he made a choice. And remember, there are no reasons for an alcoholic picking up a drink, only excuses. What sort of relationship is it going to be if u worry every time u argue? You will be on egg-shells all the time, trying not to upset him. I speak as a RA(3 and a half years) who split with my AP after 10 years last year. And through all that pain I CHOOSE not to pick up. It is not a good sign that he doesn't attend AA regularly; we can't fight this illness on our own. I would be very wary at this point.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I think Pelican is right, I should make a few appointments with a counselor. I was reading through a lot of posts last night. A bunch of people talked about the "Codependency No More" book. I bought the audio and used that as my bedtime story last night. I've been listening to it today. I, unfortunately, display a lot of the qualities. For example, since he's been in my life, I do everything I can to help him. He's not drinking, but is climbing back to normal life and "needs" lots of help. Looking back, all my stuff got put on hold so I could help him. I know I've come a long way thanks to loads of therapy, but it looks like I still have some work to do. It's funny that none of my therapists really went to deeply into codependency. I'd get a list of symptoms once in awhile, but mostly we focused on working through the past. I was treated for PTSD and not codependency. Hmm. Maybe I only made it through stage one of my own recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
aw....yes, it does stink.
And we are not a bunch of hard headed mean witches here! Really we are not!
We came here the same as you have.....because we were hurting and confused over someone we love(d) dearly.
Have you ever been to al-anon? You would find alot of practical wisdom and face to face strength.
React means that you say or do things according to what he is saying or doing in the moment.
Respond means that you determine your words and actions according to what you want and are thinking.
The first is about him, the second is about you.
Right now, your relationship is revolving around the issue of alcohol and that is a very slippery slope to be on.
There is a stickie at the top of the forum about detachment...which helps to break that aspect of the cycle and bring you peace.
I know that you would like to hear that this whole thing was an oopsie and that you can forgive and go on happily.
But from our shared experiences here, I think that is wishful thinking and the odds don't sound too good.
For your sake, I hope I am 100% wrong!
In any case, welcome, I hope you feel at home here.
You can count on support and friendship no matter what you choose to do.
And we are not a bunch of hard headed mean witches here! Really we are not!
We came here the same as you have.....because we were hurting and confused over someone we love(d) dearly.
Have you ever been to al-anon? You would find alot of practical wisdom and face to face strength.
React means that you say or do things according to what he is saying or doing in the moment.
Respond means that you determine your words and actions according to what you want and are thinking.
The first is about him, the second is about you.
Right now, your relationship is revolving around the issue of alcohol and that is a very slippery slope to be on.
There is a stickie at the top of the forum about detachment...which helps to break that aspect of the cycle and bring you peace.
I know that you would like to hear that this whole thing was an oopsie and that you can forgive and go on happily.
But from our shared experiences here, I think that is wishful thinking and the odds don't sound too good.
For your sake, I hope I am 100% wrong!
In any case, welcome, I hope you feel at home here.
You can count on support and friendship no matter what you choose to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
They are threads that are permanently kept up at the top of this forum. So if you go back to the forum, look up at the top and there we have the "classic" readings..things that are widely applicable and useful.
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